A ritual I didn't attend...
By vanny
@vandana7 (98804)
India
August 31, 2018 10:16am CST
Last Thursday, my neighbor started decking her home, because Friday was a day for prayers. We Hindu women pray to a goddess to give us good husband and wealth. At least that is the gist I understand.
She knocked the door, I opened it, she needed something, I gave her, only to be scolded later by dad. But even before that, because she was asking something, she felt obliged to invite me for a function that is not for old maids, and widows. Yepp ..they do differentiate. Once we go there, there are hushed tones and then some bad remarks that hurt us for ages.
I was busy texting something to advocate, and I said sorry I do not believe in all this. I might have sounded a bit harsh.
I truly do not believe in
a. Hurting anybody...religious rituals are supposed to cleanse us and make us happy, rather than give others an opportunity to ridicule us, and we are expected to adjust because it is a fact;
b. She used a lot of flowers and lot of leaves. I am strictly against mango leaves being folded and woven between marigolds, and I mean she literally covers two walls of her drawing room with that, apart from heavy decoration with flowers and mango leaves at the entrance. She is a software engineer, so I expect her to know leaves give us oxygen, and she has two kids who breath in polluted air. I would hesitate to use leaves as extensively as she does. Few perhaps. Almost an entire branch (may be 1000 leaves) just for the ritual in one house? As to flowers too, I feel they are there for bees, and bees are there for pollinating fruits. We indirectly kill the bees when we use the flowers extensively for decoration.
And so I truly do not believe in it. I did not attend the function. She returned the object, which she intended to leave outside her home for the whole Friday night.
Kids have stopped coming to my place. I do not know how to break the ice. The worst. I don't want to. I mean, what their parents are teaching them will conflict with what I believe in.
Is something wrong with me?
18 people like this
17 responses
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
I hope the world will move forward. Her mother in law comes to my home and tells others when they try to invite me, that I think you won't like anybody putting that vermillion on your forehead. I think it is a form of ridicule. My maid gets invited by her, but not me. So kind of, I have unwittingly severed the ties.
2 people like this
@Starmaiden (9311)
• Canada
31 Aug 18
Nothing wrong with you. Stand high in your integrity and refuse to engage the ignorance of those around you. You are a beautiful person who has awakened to the injustice. 
2 people like this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
It is feeling odd...but in strange way liberating. I love her kids. But I also feel I was adjusting to whole lot of stuff that I did not want to. So I am kind of feeling relieved. I might say one thing, their parents may say another thing. Children would be confused. I don't want that. Let them follow their folks and conclude on their own. There is enough literature up there.
2 people like this
@Starmaiden (9311)
• Canada
31 Aug 18
@vandana7 Absolutely. The world awakens one generation at a time with children who question the beliefs and traditions of their parents.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (457973)
• Switzerland
31 Aug 18
It's hard for me to understand all those problems. If I do not like to go to see someone I simply do not go. People in their houses do what they want, in my house I do what I want, it's not my problem if they have plenty of flowers or decorations. Honestly I do not see where is the problem.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
I am kind of in fix when such invitations are given. Like we put vermillion on forehead and request the guest to drop in. Usually, they give some fruits and some flowers while doing so. I once had a lady do that to me. Then she asked me what my husband did. I said I am unmarried. She actually snatched it from my hand and told me, then you can't come. I realized the difference then. In official world, it is not there. At social level it is deep seated. My maid gets to ridicule me because my neighbor's mother in law comes and invites her right in front of me, without inviting me. My maid is married to a drunkard who does not earn. I have slogged to come up financially dad having been cheated by his folks. Those stories don't matter. The fact that I am taking care of dad does not matter. The fact that I have taken care of their kids also does not matter. Only thing that matters is, are you married, and is your husband alive.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
Check this..you might understand some.
A regular day at home starts with mother blaming father for not getting his daughter married. Cousins and friends who are my age and even younger are married with more than one kid. My parents, though
@andriaperry (116860)
• Anniston, Alabama
31 Aug 18
No, nothing is wrong with you.
Believe as you please and to hell with others.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
@TheHorse Yeah...but in my case, I find it hurtful so I have stopped such things altogether. I do not want to be part of anything that is hurtful, either to me, or to others. The belief part ...is different. It is not god that I refuse belief in ..but what others believe about the ritual that I don't believe. There is difference.
@Daljinder (23231)
• Bangalore, India
8 Sep 18
She is but an ordinary citizen. A Hindu citizen of this country! What is more concerning is this: I mean its a WORLD Hindu Congress. A huge international event of Hindus all over the globe and the "esteemed speakers" are being idiots over there.
Example 1: Percentage of Hindu live-births in Bharat is decreasing alarmingly and demography is changing. Even economically well-off Hindu families are having only 1 child today~Shri Madhu Pandit Dasa
(Is that what they are discussing over there? I assumed they would be discussing bettering the Hindu society culturally, socially and spiritually. Damn! Please look at the population of India before lamenting because India won't be able to feed any extra child as it is! )
Example 2: Bharatiya (Indian) students don't know Bharatiya (Indian) scientists...ask children to name scientists and they can name only Edison, Newton~ Swami Mitrananda, Chinmaya Vishwa Vidyapeeth
(Liar Liar pants on fire! We learn about C.V Raman, Ramanujan, Homi Bhabha, A.P.J. Kalam, Aryabhatta, etc along with Edison and Newton. Even after more than a decade, I remember that I learned about them.)
Example 3: Chief Organizer of World Hindu Congress in Chicago calls on Hindutva foot soldiers to carry the Trishul to weaponize themselves.
Sorely disappointed and disheartened!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
8 Sep 18
Hey it was J C Bose who demonstrated that plants have life, right?
And who so ever discovered that they release oxygen during the day...
Whatever is taught in schools is forgotten...rituals are remembered...of what use education DJ..
One rose smells as sweet as 10. 1 rose expresses as much love as bouquet. Will somebody tell people ...look you are borrowing your present from your children's future?
So disappointed with such things...and I like her...groan.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23231)
• Bangalore, India
10 Sep 18
@vandana7 Rituals are fine as long as the intention and meaning behind them are understood. And that they do not take precedence over anyone's life. That's one of the most basic things religions teach but amazingly enough, people forget that very quickly as well.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
14 Sep 18
I am a nasty person. If somebody hurts me, I hurt them right back with compound interest. I am not somebody who takes hurt easily. So I avoid places where I am going to be hurt. In the past, I was vulnerable, I used to cry and all that. Now, crying is old fashioned. I can give as I get. And that means really strained relationships. That is the reason I avoid so that there is no eventual unpleasantness. As to kids, my belief about leaves holds good. But I do not think their parents are going to like me telling the kids that folding leaves and killing leaves is bad idea.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (137145)
• United States
3 Sep 18
No, there is nothing wrong with sticking by what you believe.
Few homes that I have been in decorate using leaves and flowers as extensively as your neighbor did... well, except at Christmas, I guess. At Christmas some people cut a live tree and put it in a bucket of water to lay their gifts for other people under. Sometimes they also cut clumps of mistletoe to decorate with. (At least it is a parasitical plant, so they aren't killing something valuable.)
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
4 Sep 18
Using waste is a great way to decorate. That is also an art. Using an already useful thing to convert it into waste in the name of decoration is beyond my comprehension. At your end, you all do have forest fires. Some of which are because of natural causes. So I guess it is ok to have Christmas decorations. But at our end, trees are not that many. So to me every tree is precious.
@DeborahDiane (40053)
• Laguna Woods, California
3 Sep 18
Good for you for standing up for what you believe!
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40053)
• Laguna Woods, California
5 Sep 18
@vandana7 - I agree with you completely. I think we all feel uncertain about past decisions, but we just have to do what we think is right at the time.
@gofsey (1912)
• Madurai, India
1 Sep 18
It is tough to live in a building making ends meet I mean having to make sacrifices. But, that is life. We have to give our bit and life will swallow it up. But, does it make it any better for us? No, that is why it is nice to have friends. Cheer up Vanny, it is just a passing day.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
I am quite broad minded normally. I fast one day in Ramzan to know how it feels. I have no issues with going to church. I believe in all gods, and have asked favors from everybody...it is like lottery with me. This time I will ask this god, hope he gives. If he does, he is the god till the next time. Don't get me wrong...all gods are one and the same, only forms differ. But the rituals are beyond me.
1 person likes this
. Time will tell.
@arunima25 (85269)
• Bangalore, India
1 Sep 18
Anything going against the norm received wrath in a traditional society like ours. You are not wrong and you have to stick to your convictions.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
4 Sep 18
Geee thanks...its high time people understood. I remember one of the family friends lost her husband to an accident, and all married women used cumin seeds and jaggery ate it before going to her place as a custom not to lose their husbands. Just three months later my aunt lost hers. She had been rather big player in distributing that before visiting that lady, and now it was her turn to be on receiving end. Weird hurtful customs.
1 person likes this
@arunima25 (85269)
• Bangalore, India
4 Sep 18
@vandana7 I can totally relate to it. My mom became a widow at the age of 23. She has been independent working woman and a single parent since that. She is fond of good clothes, watching movies and living her life to fullest. Luckily, she got very supportive parents and in laws. But I have always heard insensitive remarks about her from distant relatives. In my marriage, she was asked by one of my distant aunt to stay away from the ritual of haldi. But my dadi, may paternal grandmother asked her to be the first one to put haldi on me as being a mother this was her right. I remember so many whispers going around among all women irrespective of their education and modernity level. My grandma was only literate but was so progressive in thoughts. I was shocked at the audacity of that distant aunt to say such thing to my mom.
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
14 Sep 18
You are in a country where there are many beliefs. But you have the right not to believe in what they are traditionally doing.
I agree with you in not liking the function. Why attend when you will be ridiculed and talked about. I also hate such gatherings with lots of gossips.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98804)
• India
31 Aug 18
Actually she borrowed a copper stool that we have. It is a decorative piece, and she wanted it to be placed outside her entrance with the fengshui symbols...bowl filled with water and flowers sprinkled in them. I was preoccupied with what advocate had responded, and so I told her take it, and continued with sms. She invited in the meanwhile, and I told her, no I don't believe in all that, and resumed. Once I closed the door, dad scolded me. He said, there have been thefts in the building, if they leave the stool which may cost decent sum, somebody might pick it. I had not laid down that condition. Dad forced me to keep an eye on it..and I did periodically check that it was not picked by anybody. We do get hawkers coming up sometimes, and maids also steal. So dad was justified.
