Jokes & one liners

India
November 30, 2006 11:23pm CST
Jokes to confirm that I'm a Fool (One Liners) I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.] If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't. Is it weird in here, or is it just me? A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
4 people like this
30 responses
• United States
1 Dec 06
uh oh...I think I'm addicted to this...lol 1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 2. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 3. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... wait for it...... this is so bad, it's good.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
4 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
berlin, I refer you to my previous 3 posts. Maybe they better fit your definition of "one liners". Can't stop the creative flow when one is on a roll...
3 people like this
@crabby1 (304)
• Australia
2 Dec 06
Why is it when ever both of my hands are full every door I come to is marked PULL
• United States
1 Dec 06
I think I'm on a roll... 1. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 2. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 3. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4 people like this
@crabby1 (304)
• Australia
2 Dec 06
I was attending a class where we where to be taught Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation or C.P.R. sometimes called Mouth to Mouth resuscitation. There were about ten students sitting in the classroom and the instructor whose name was Fred walked into the room and asked has anyone been along to these classes before? A few hands shot up. He then asked has anyone had the opportunity to put the knowledge to good use? One hand remained upright. Perhaps you would like to tell us what happened Reg. he said Yes said Reg. I had knocked off work for the day and was out walking my Greyhound and I came to the Railway Crossing. There was a train approaching and the level crossing boom gate started coming down and the bell was ringing. So said Fred, what did you do?. I stood waiting beside the boom Gate and noticed a chap on a motorcycle pull up beside me. Yes go on . said Fred The rider suddenly clutched his chest gasped and fell sideways onto the roadway. What did you do then Reg. I tied the Greyhound up to the boom gate lifted the bike off the rider and I checked his pulse and breathing and finding no vital signs I commenced C.P.R. Tell me Reg did he survive. Oh yes he’s fine now the Ambulance finally came and they took over C.P.R and he recovered ok So you had a good result Reg. No not quite, the train went through the level crossing the boom gate went back up and the dog was lifted off the roadway and strangled. Oh that’s dreadful I sorry to hear that. It wasn’t a problem Why do you say that? I untied the lead and got him down and applied C.P.R. and now he’s just fine. He’s ok after almost strangling? Yes Fred he recovered and I entered him in a big Greyhound race the other night. How did he go Reg? He Won by a L O O O N G N E C K
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 06
Here are a few more to make you roll your eyes... lol 1. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 2. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 3. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
4 people like this
• India
1 Dec 06
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
4 people like this
• India
1 Dec 06
This is really very very cute.....do read this ... Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?" Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..." : ) ......
4 people like this
@exchange (949)
• Australia
1 Dec 06
you are a can short of a sixpack or a stubby short of a slab
3 people like this
@crabby1 (304)
• Australia
2 Dec 06
Did you hear about the two irish gay boys their names were Michael Fitz Patrick and Patrick Fitz Michael
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
I'm sorry to say I can't think of any right now. But I'm having fun reading the ones that are already on here... Funny stuff...
2 people like this
@crosschk (822)
• United States
2 Dec 06
two guys walk into a bar, you think one of them would duck
2 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go...": ) ......
2 people like this
@jediwa72 (204)
• United States
1 Dec 06
Two men walk into the bar, one turns to the other and says "don't worry i didn't see it either" This string walks into a bar and goes to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender tells the string to get out of there that he is too young to drink. The string leaves angrily goes home ties himself in a knot and frays his edges. After about an hour he gets the courage to go back to the bar. He goes in and goes up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender asks, "aren't you the same string that was in here a little while ago"...The string answers....."NO, I'm a frayed knot!"
2 people like this
• Hyderabad, India
1 Dec 06
when we lisean to jokes or see jokes we fell happy u r not fool
2 people like this
• Singapore
1 Dec 06
haha. though i've heard most of them before. it's still funny whenever i read it again and again. one liners especially. they are the classics.
2 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet." A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
1 person likes this
@brightsea (141)
• India
2 Dec 06
I was born intelligent education ruined me.
1 person likes this
• India
2 Dec 06
Really good dude, I liked them. Keep them coming. Good day to you, bye.
1 person likes this
@kbkbooks (7028)
• Canada
2 Dec 06
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face." _________________________ A fat man walks into a bar, a blonde walks into a bar, a horse walks into a bar, a blind man walks into a bar, a man of minor nationality walks into a bar, a mermaid walks into a bar, ...and the bartender says.... --- --- --- ---here it comes... --- --- --- ---coming soon... --- --- --- ---and the bartender says...What is this? Some kind of a joke???
1 person likes this
@Aali311 (6127)
• United States
2 Dec 06
those are funny. I don't have any of my own, but I will use some of these in the future and if I come across some I'll post them here.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
Life's Observations 1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." 3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here. 4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley. 10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
I have no idea where you guys got all of those one liners but I'm drawing a blank
1 person likes this
@nana1944 (1367)
• United States
22 Jan 07
One-liner about business He who shouts the loudest has the floor. The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat