Threatening to leave me, if I don't have a child!!!

@what_now (554)
Canada
December 2, 2006 2:18am CST
Ok guys heres the deal me (21) and my gf (22) have been arguing about having a child for almost 3 months now. We've been together for almost 2 years. I feel I am still too young and a lil immature and definately not ready to be a father at this point in my life. Lets look at some other facts I don't have a permanent job right now, I only go to school which I'll be done by march 07 with a businees degree as marketing my major. I am asking her to just wait about 6 months then we can definately have a baby and it would be much easier for both of us. Financially and emotionally, as I would have a permenant job and wouldn't put her and my child in danger by letting her work. She has given me 3 weeks to think about it and said if you don't want to, then I think we'll have to end this because you are prolly never going to agree on having a child and are just going to keep making excuses. This is really tough for me. I seriously at this point don't know what to think or do? what should I do? agree with her be-cause I definately don't wanna lose her and it's the first time she has ever said something like this and I am scared she might actually leave me if, I don't agree. And then I think I shouldn't agree to this just because I am affraid of losing her. I m really confused. Anybody got any suggestions? what should I do?
44 people like this
387 responses
• United States
2 Dec 06
i think that u should always make choices that u are ready for and prepared for. if u r not ready dont have a baby bcuz she said so. this is a life u guys are talking about. u need to tell your girlfriend to stop thinking about herself and think of this innocent child she is trying to have. i have two kids and i dont think she even knows what she is getting into. u 2 are both young and if u guys are really in love and r going 2 b together then u can always have kids when the time is right. another thing if u r not ready and she is ready to leave let her go, she is not meant for u if she wants to control your decisions, having a baby b4 u r ready will only hold u back and it sounds like u are trying to go somewhere with your life. if it was meant to be u guys will b back together. but most of all this is a life. If u are not prepared and are still getting your life together then it is just not time yet and she need to realize that.
• United States
2 Dec 06
well what about marriage are you married. I think it is my personal opinion but a committment between 2 people in marriage is important before making a descision about having children. I know nowadays people domnot think marriage is that important.. But a child is a lifetime decision..You cannot put them back..and I really admire you knowing you are notmature enough to be a father yet. You need to think about it and it should be a mutual decision to bring a child in the world not an ultimatium. I know having children help you to mature as I have 3 but you also need the maturity and responsibilty it takes to have a child. So think and pray about it
@drsamra (155)
• New Zealand
2 Dec 06
Well I totally agree with you ONETEAM. Marriage is an essential step
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
i agree with ONETEAM
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
2 Dec 06
Ypu should NEVER put a child into the world out of fear for loosing someone. I think she is beiing a little bit selfish also since all you´ve asked for is 6 months. You are beiing very responsible and mature for the situation since you want to have everything organised for the two of you before you bring a baby into your lives. I tthink u are the responsible one in the case. If she can not respect the fact that u are not ready and want to have a stabil life before u have a kid, then she is probably not worth it. What i don´t get is why she can´t give it another 6 months.... Stay stong and don´t give in out of fear of loosing her. if she really loves you - you won´t!
6 people like this
@juls2me2 (2151)
• United States
2 Dec 06
I have to agree with the comment ahead of me. She might be feeling as if she's getting too old to have children. That is a valid concern for most women. The biological clock is ticking away. Just reassure her about what you hoped your future together would be. Be honest with her and hear her concerns too. If she really loves you, she'll want you to be ready.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
2 Dec 06
what? whoa that cant be..she's only 22 yrs old!! hell I had my youngest when I was 29, I'm 36 now and would love to have more kids...I mean sure its possible that she's feeling that way but if thats the case then someone needs to sit down and have a chat with her..22 is NOT too old...in fact I think the average age for first child is around 25 or 26 isnt it?
2 people like this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
20 Dec 06
24 to 25 is avery good age to have babies That when people finally start to get some smarts
@Zhanec (1652)
• Malaysia
2 Dec 06
i'm so glad that u r being matured at ur age.Come to think fo it.,having a child is not an easy thing to do..There r more to put under consideration..As for ur gf,i'm sorry to say that she's putting u in difficulty in this case.Try to explain this to her..Let her know that,building a happy family need planning.I'm sorry if my reponse did offense u..Just my 2cents.
5 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
I agree I am 23 years old my husband and I got married after we got pregnant with our first daughter we had been together for 2 1/2 years and we are happy it happened but we did not try for it...it is a choice you should make together not be forced into it...
2 people like this
@sjpuneet (81)
• India
2 Dec 06
dont worry just convince her properly and tell her your problems and your limitaions tell her clearly that having kids is not a big deal but managing them is gonna be difficult
3 people like this
• India
2 Dec 06
hi ya........ i understand wat tough time u are goin g through.... ur main aim rt now is to convince hre that u are not making excuses over the child issue. if u succeed in doing that then i'm sure that she can waut for 6 mths... all the best
2 people like this
@evlo173 (435)
• United States
2 Dec 06
Why does your girlfriend want a child out of wedlock? It is much better to get married first, or wait until you're 30 and more mature.
1 person likes this
@dmod01 (148)
• India
2 Dec 06
no man...its not the right time to have any baby or to get married!!! if u do love her a lot and have future plan to marry her than convince her that u will marry her in future.. the main cause she is behaving like this may be a feeling of insecurity from your side..she might be thinking that u'll leave her in future... so do make her understand the facts and assure her that u'll never leave her!!! best of luck!!
2 people like this
• Malaysia
2 Dec 06
Have you ever discuss this issue with her that you are not financially sound to have baby at this moment. Explain to her that you are really want to have baby with her but you want to give the best to your baby because you will love him/her very much. If she love you enough, I believe she will understand that.
3 people like this
@farocop44 (448)
• Canada
2 Dec 06
If the entire relationship can be cancelled because she wants a child NOW and you know youre not ready yet( and based on your info you are not ready yet) then perhaps it would be best if you two did separate for a time. She wants to be a mother sooo badly that it is overiding intelligence and fair play. She is being understandably selfish (women want to care for babys) but if she became pregnant then huge problems would develop between the two of you. She would be happy but you would resent being forced, and all the pressure to take care of her would be on you. The relationship would be entering a new phaze on bad grounds and is enroute to bad history. As I said the smartest thing to do would be to step back literally until either she realizes she is being unfairly demanding or you two come to some more sensible agreement. If you stay away for a while and she doesnt want to see you again then it was never about the two of you it was about her self centered desire to be a mom. If she gets pregnant without your help then you just dodged a bullet and would have destroyed your educationally based future. Think smart, she isnt and you are on the right track
2 people like this
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
2 Dec 06
That's very good advice. You said it very well.
@mslena75 (562)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Sounds like you are making some very valid points. Having a child is definitely not a game, and once that seed is planted you cannot change your mind. I think it very mature of you to be thinking everything through as far as finances and the fact that you don't even have a job right now. Both of you are very young, so I don't understand why your girlfriend thinks that you should be in such a rush. There is plenty of time to think about having a family. Or why not think about getting married before having a family? I guess in this day and age it is a novelty to get married before starting a family. Don't get me wrong, I'm knocking people who have kids and aren't married, but I think much can be said for thinking things through. I have seen too many people get hurt by not thinking something like this through. I think you are being level headed, and if your girlfriend cannot appreciate it, then maybe she isn't the one you are supposed to be with, let alone start a family with.
@mkirby624 (1599)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Your GIRLFRIEND wants to have a baby. I'm not going to go all religious on you and spat off about having babies before marriage and all that, but is she honestly serious??? Not a lot of people actually want children before they are married...even fewer DEMAND to have children before they are married. I'm sorry son, but your career and future is more important that a girlfriend who is clearly only thinking about herself. If she truly wanted a child...and cared about the child they she wants so badly, she would know that the both of you need to wait until you are married...get to know one another better (because, trust me, just because you've dated for 2 years doesn't mean you know each other. I've been married for 5 months and have learned more about my husband every day..and we dated for 3 1/2 years before marriage)...and become financially stable before having this child. She is apparently being very selfish, and selfishness is not a good quality of a mother....or a wife.
2 people like this
@zambian (31)
• India
2 Dec 06
You should try and find out from her why she wants to have a baby so urgently. She might fell that she is losing you and that the only way to keep you is if you were tied down by something stronger. Giving ultimatums is s sign of panic, so talk to your girl and find out what is eating her. And you know, if one of her friends just had a baby she might be feeling left out or envious. So before you end it or start giving ultimatums of your own, try and have a rational discussion. In the end you are both right.
• United States
2 Dec 06
First of all, congrats on graduating in March. Second, don't be forced to make a decision of this magnatude. Having kids and getting married, or in reverse order, will change your life to a degree that you can't even imagine. Your career is getting ready to take you to a new level and if you must relocate to another city or state, there is absolutely nothing holding you back. You and your gf are too young to start a family. If your gf really loves you, then she will respect your mature decision and not give you an ultimatum. Good luck and wait, wait, wait.
1 person likes this
@what_now (554)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
Thank you, This is really helping build up my moral thank you once again much appreciated
@possma (20)
• Australia
2 Dec 06
mmmmmm, you do have a dilemma! I admire you for knowing what YOU want and for having the right thoughts about your girlfriend and a child. Too many these days, unfortuntely, use a child as a means of getting money (here in Australia anyway!) That is no way to have a baby to start with. The other thing - maybe (I hope not for your sake), is that she may already be pregnant and wants you to take on the responsibilty of raising the child. Again, not a good thing! The third thing is (again I hope not for your sake), is that she wants a 'sure-fire' way out of the relationship? I really hope you carry on with YOUR thoughts and get on with life as a young fella should! Once you become a father, as much as you want to remain the same, that will NEVER happen! I hope I have been of some help? possma
@what_now (554)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
Yes yo have been and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! keep up the good work!
@killailla (1301)
• Canada
2 Dec 06
first of all you are more mature then you give yourself credit for. Second. I had a child at a very young age and even thoguh I was not ready I still loved him more then anything Third. Dont let her pressure you into anything!!!! That is not fair, I got pregnate and I decided it was the right thing to keep the baby, however I would never have gotten pregnate purposely when I felt i wasnt ready Man if she is threatening you with ultimatems already think about later on in life "Give me another child or I am leaving you and making sure you will never see your other chilren" "If you dont marry me I am taking your child away" Just think her new ultimatums will have the child involved, be smart!!! and you sound like a good guy, dont let some girl trick you
1 person likes this
@what_now (554)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
you make a very good point regarding this becoming a habbit but my only reason to be so scared is this is the first time she has ever said i'll leave you. But after reading the comments here I am pretty sure what I should be doing, thank you!
@shooie (4986)
• United States
2 Dec 06
If more people would stop and really think these things through like you are doing there would be a lot less child abuse a lot less unwanted children. Sit down and put it on paper. Show her your plan in life. How you want to finish school and get a good job so that she won't have to worry about things but to take care of your child. You aren't ready tell her. 2007 is not that far away. If after that and she still puts her foot down maybe is time to walk away. I know you have more than just a few months invested here but I also want you to know true love doesn't make demands, sometimes true love gets confusing but true love will always come to light. good luck...really try putting your goals on paper and share them with her...
1 person likes this
@what_now (554)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
Thank you, I like the idea of putting the goals on paper and sharing them. I am going to do that! thanks again.
@mazingerz (394)
• Hong Kong
3 Dec 06
Hey man, you're just 21, if both cannot afford to have the baby or living together, I think you should give up the relationship even though you love her so much. Moreover, have you discuss with your or her parents about this. I don't think you can handle this case by yourself, right?? (BTW, why you post a half naked man-body photo as your logo? Is it related to your story.)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I'll have to agree with some of the others...Sounds like she's trying to cover up a cheat job. Sorry Anyone that gives me an ultimatium like that would be on the lonsing end of the stick. Don't let her push you like that...you sound like a very responsible person. You wouldn't put your child or your wife/g-f in that kind of predictament...HOLD YOUR GROUND!!
1 person likes this
@simyss (125)
• Singapore
3 Dec 06
Try to talk to her about this and hopefully, she will understand.
1 person likes this
@shadyone2 (129)
• Australia
3 Dec 06
i think you need to do what you think is best if that means losing her well then it wasn't meant to be. you sound like you have your head on straight.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
It could be a reason to get her to ask you if you are married. try to work it out, and see what she says to your proposition. make sure to explain it, and also have the lease ready to be signed on a new living area if she leaves you :P
1 person likes this
@krankies (811)
• United States
3 Dec 06
If there is one thing I know is that uou should listen to yourself. True love is not held together by a child. You will regret this for the rest of your life, not to mention you will hold this over her head with ever trying moment. And there will be a lot of those moments once you have a child. Baby's require a lot of work and slepless nights when there healthy. Most likely she will be asking you for help the minute you walk in fron work. Does she relize this is not playing House. I would suggest she ask a realative to babysit one of their small children for a weekend. You should spend this weekend just like it is a typical work day, I have a feeling she will change her mind.
@Meljep (1668)
• United States
3 Dec 06
You shouldn't have a child unless you have a secure environment for the child to grow up in. For example a stable marriage would be a good start. A job would be a good thing, so you can support your family. Things could spin out of control really fast if you start doing things like playing house.