Parents!!
By buffetwoman
@buffetwoman (623)
United States
December 2, 2006 5:17pm CST
Ok here's my situation.... My parents gave us a sum of money for our daughter's education. (She's 11 months old) Well we had to use it to get into our current apartment as we were a bit strapped for money. It made me sick to do it, but we are going to replace it as soon as we get back on our feet. I told my parents that we had to use it and also told them we would replace it.(And we will, I promised them this) Over the phone they told me.. well that's ok... you had to use it to get into your apartment... you did what you had to do.) Back in September when they visited us from Florida, it became a different story..... My mom told me(while my husband was at work of course) that I had no business using that money for that reason, and that we TOOK from her(our daughter). I shot back with.. "didn't you and dad use our money when we were kids because you at the time had no money?" She said, Yes we did, but we replaced it." I told them that we are going to replace her money. My mom said,"I hope so," and I said,"I know so." Then my dad asked me when he had asked my husband if he was going to get a second job and my husband said No, he (my dad) wanted to know why he said that. I looked away and rolled my eyes. My mom saw me do that and said, "don't roll your eyes." I responed with, Ma... come on..." She cut me off and said," Don't make eyes...." They also told me that they are going to open an account for our daughter... so whenever there's a birthday or Christmas, they are going to put this money in her account and just send cards. Which they have recently.... my daughter's turning one in Dec. they sent 3 birthday cards. WHY are my parents treating me like a damn child?!!!!!!!! I am soooo fuming mad!!! I told them to please not open up an account for her, but they did anyway! If I say anything about this, all they will do is say things back to me to make it look like they are right, and I am wrong, so I don't say anything to avoid an arguement! I wonder if they think they are punishing me because I am so far away from them(and this is one of a million reasons why).. my parents(especially my mom) want to have all of their children around them and hate the fact that I am 3,000 miles away. I am 37 years old and am so sick and tired of being treated like a child!!!! They've done this to me since I've moved out at 22, and I am just so aggrevated about it! What should I do? Thanks.
32 people like this
229 responses
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
3 Dec 06
Ignore cool_viji and his/her rude comments (I think they are tired of people picking on them). They are VERY uncalled for. Write as long of a discussion as you need to. The discussion box has verbage next to it that says so!
I know you didn't want them to open that account, but in the future when you need money to send you little one to college and she decides that she wants to go to that 30K a year school and not the 5K a year one you can afford, use that money your parents put away for her.
You seem to have the kind of parents that regardless of what you do, they are going to treat you however they want. You can do one of tow things, ignore it or you can confront them. They may not even know how mad everything makes you. Try talking to them and try to get them to understand where you are coming from. Don't get mad, don't get loud, just talk. If they can't discuss anything with you, don't cut them out of your life but take a few steps away. Once they realize how serious you are, they will come around even if it is to just see their grandchild.
8 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yea, I am going to type as much as I want, thanks.
In regards to the money my parents are saving.... they said it is for her to have when she is 30 years old. I asked,"Why?" and they said,"Well, this is just in case she is in a bind, and needs some help." Which I can understand. I still feel like they are doing this because they don't think I'm a responsible enough person to do this on my own. It's like.... "Well, since Joan has spent the money we gave her for our grandaughter's college fund, I guess we are going to have to step in and open up an acct for her(their grandchild) because she(meaning me) just can't do it." This is how I feel, and if I say something about it, they will say, "Well, this is how we feel...." It's a losing battle with them, but I am so fed up with this. And they wonder why I'm 3000 miles away. They've always tried to run my life, and it has always aggrevated them that I never followed any of their advice. I guess they haven't woken up and realized that I am all grown up now. So, with opening an account for my daughter this is their way of gaining control. I feel that they are like,"Her older brother did everything the right way, so why can't she?" My oldest brother has done everything the way my parents thought he should do things. He feels the need to constantly be in the limelight(just like he did when we were kids) and he makes sure whatever he does is very well known to my parents. No, I'm not jealous of his accomplishments. At one time my parents had bragged to me about what my older brother has done... oh your brother has done this, and oh your brother has done that..... I don't speak to my darling brother because of something he did to me when I was a child, and my parents swept it under the carpet. They want everything to be nice and good with the world, and they want everyone to think that we always had the picture perfect family, etc. HA! What a joke that was.
5 people like this
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
3 Dec 06
Regardless of their reasons, I think you should let them save the money for your daughter. Even though you don't have a good relationship with your parents, maybe your daughter can have a decent relationship with them - even if it just for the money.
I am sorry that they didn't help you when you needed them the most. That must have been tough. The ony thing my parents don't do is compare me and my brother. I am very glad because even though we have our good points our lows are very low. You should at least try to have a decent relationship with them for your daughter. I think that all kids need to know their grandparents no matter how much you dislike them. You are 3K miles away, how often could you really have to see them?
6 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I know what you are saying.. Hopefully next year we will be able to go out there and visit them for a few weeks. Have a pleasant day, and thank you for your input.
4 people like this
@Metallion (2227)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well at 37 your parents might feel that they need to practice a version of "tough love" with you and make sure you become self supportive. The reason they probably opened that account for your daughter is because they are afraid you will use the money for yourself again if they give you access to it.
I agree taking a second job would be tough because then your husband would have very little time with his child. Do you work? Have you made any payments back from what you "borrowed from your child", if you did that maybe it would show your parents you are trying to be responsible.
4 people like this
@Metallion (2227)
• United States
3 Dec 06
well it might not be an ideal job but I know almost every store in the local malls in my area are hiring seasonal help.
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yea, I've been trying to find a job, but I guess this time of year is very hard. I've been on numerous interviews, and nothing. On the tough love thing..... I've been on my own since I'm 22, and now they decide to make sure I become self supportive? Hee hee hee! I think they're a little late! :-D
2 people like this
@wahmoftwo (1296)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Just be gratful you have parents that can help you or your child financially. That isn't a luxury that I have. Tell them to keep the money that way you won't be tempted.
3 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I am happy that my parents are doing this. I just don't like how they said one thing one time, and the total opposite the next time.
By the way, I like your spunky attitude! Telling me to just CHILL OUT was great!! And I'm not being a smarty, either. May I add you to my friend's list? :-D
3 people like this
@shirgie (230)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I agree that you should be grateful that your parents are setting aside money for your child. The way they are choosing to do it now is great imo. Your child will have the money in the future and you won't be tempted to spend it. It is a whole lot easier to spend the money than replace it. In my opinion your parents are very wise on this subject.
@ausnikki (4054)
• Brisbane, Australia
3 Dec 06
Ok,so you used the money.Big deal you have said you will replace it and I'm sure you will.It seems they have done the same thing in the past so have no right to judge you for doing it.We all have hard times occasionally but we get through them and start again.I think your parents are being selfish to treat you that way,they can't expect you to stay put where they are just for their sake.You do have your own life to lead.It's not like you were being sneaky about using the money either,you did the right thing and told them what you did and that you intend to replace it.As for the bank account for your daughter,I wouldn't let it bother you too much.She will have the money for her education in the future.
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yea, I'm trying not to let it get to me. You're right...she will have the money for her education or whatever else she wants to do with it. Thanks for your response.
4 people like this
@Desdemona (1301)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
hmmz...
renting an apartment at 37? okay, not my business.
Obviously you have had some rough times with money or had poor advice on making investments..but why have children if your not financially stable???...anyways to-each-their-own...
Yup, sounds like your parents treat you like a child and you have to make a stand. Learn from these lessons and hopefully next time the money will be put in a seperate account for your child.
Best of luck to ya and your family!
3 people like this
@devincrump (14)
• United States
3 Dec 06
As far as her renting an apartment at 37, so what? I don't think that anybody can judge her or her situation because we can't see the full picture of what's going on in her life.
4 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you! And you too get the best response! It's nice to have some smart people on this discussion. Just about all the responses are from smart people! :-D
3 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Oops, it doesn't say mark best response! What should I do?
2 people like this
@linns31 (213)
• United States
3 Dec 06
My advise to is simply this: So what? So they opened an account for your daughter so she will have money when she is 30. Maybe when she is 30 there will be enough money in the account for a down payment for house. Why is this a bad thing? I wish my parents would do that for my kids. I am not rich at all. As a matter of fact I have 2 shut off notices right now and I have no idea where I will get the money for christmas this year but I would be happy if my parents started accounts for my kids. I guess I must be missing something here. I don't understand why you would mad about this?
4 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well, I can't really say that I am mad at this. It's just the fact that when I decided to be honest and let them know that I had to use the money they originally gave us for her college fund- at first it was a-ok and don't worry about it. Then when they were here, their tune changed and told me I had no business doing that and that I TOOK from my daughter, even though I said we would replace it. Really, we will!!!
3 people like this
@linns31 (213)
• United States
3 Dec 06
So when you do replace it send them a copy of the deposit slip or something that shows it is there. Until then don't stress it, I would hate to something like that come between you and your parents. Just remember this: when you talk to them imagine it is the last time you will ever talk to them. After all we never know what will happen tomorrow.
1 person likes this
@kstanley7 (1171)
•
3 Dec 06
First and foremost cool_viji you my friend are an idiot, I'm amazed that your still on mylot.. Anyway I aint gonna waste my energy with you...
ok buffetwoman sorry about that, the thing with parents and their childrens children is one way or another they will always try to do what they think is best for their grandchildren, it's a very precarious situation, trust me, I've been there before. Its very hard to give actual advice on the best course of action but, I am guessing that you feel like the black sheep of the herd, if thats the case, what I would do is just get on with your life, tell your parents that your doing your best to provide for your family and that you thank them for their concern but you need to do this yourself, Only if things get really sticky financially or whatever then you might approach them, but your at that age of learning responsibilities and how can you do that if it feels that there is someone watching over your shoulder.
@dragonflyfli (5528)
• United States
3 Dec 06
wow. reading some responses i can see how critical people are soemtimes. Well, i hope that made them feel better, now that its out. well, all i can say in response to your issue is to prove your parents wrong. You are far away and dont have to deal with them very often, enjoy it and work on improving your life. Take the initiative to refill your daughters account. Hell, use the same account your parents set up. Put money into it too. that'll make them shut up .. haha
or get the gerber life plan. You pay like 5 bucks a month or so and it accumlates interest over time and slowly increases over the years. buy the time she is 21 she will have thousands of dollars in her own personal account.
Thats the way to go right there. let interest do the job.
as for your parents , i know it seems like they're being a*ss holes but they just are concerned and being a little overbearing. If they want to doubt you then fine, thats not cool and you have a right to stick up for yourself but it doesnt mean you are that way and u can use that angry energy to prove them wrong. I hope it helps what i wrote. im not perfect and i get a temper too with my parents but i try really hard to prove to them that i can be sucesful and happpy .
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
The Gerber life plan... does that help save for an education? I'll have to look at that. Believe it or not, and some of the readers might say,"Ha, yea right" but I am actually a very calm person. When the wrong button is pushed is when I ignite. Thank you for your response.
@claudia413 (4280)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Just my opinion, but it sounds like your parents are very controlling. And shame on them for turning a blind eye when you needed them, as you pointed out. I'd say putting money away in an acount for your daughter is their guilt speaking over that incident. Just be glad they live far away and you don't have to put up with them constantly. Also be glad they are putting money aside for your daughter. However, I agree with the woman who said setting up a trust would be a better idea. I agree with that because what if (for instance) your daughter needed some urgent medical attention (not covered by insurance) at age 15, 18 or 20 and couldn't get any money until she turned 30? In a trust you can set up things the money can be used for in emergencies. After all, what if she doesn't live to be 30? I bet your brother's kids get it. LOL. It's hard to always be compared to another sibling and it's not fair. Now, take a deep breath and don't let them raise your blood pressure again. It's not worth getting upset about something you can't change. Good luck to you and your husband and your daughter.
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Hmmmmm... I think they did put it in a trust.. Thanks for your post.
@sexysilver (928)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I'm 21 with 2 children & a third on the way. I've been out on my own (& w/ hubby) since I was 18. We too feel on hard times, and I had to borrow $10-$20 here & there to fill in the what we needed for rent, baby food, diapers, gas to visit our daughter (she is 4 months & still in the hospital & it is a 400+miles round trip). I too got gripped at. My grandma (the kids great-grandma) made a savings bond thank god (so they'll have it even when hard times come).
They started gripping my husband wasn't working enough. He was working 15-20 hours/day at one point!!! So I got a job paying GOOD money ($200-$300/night) then I got gripped at AGAIN!! Why? To start making what we needed to no be "in the red" I got a job as ... (blushing here) a stripper. But it was a job, & paid (in 1-2 nights) what my hubby made in a week.
But when they stopped just gripping at me over the phone & started up in MY HOME. I showed them the door. I don't need the stress & heart ache. I got my family & know I'm a good mom, no matter what anyone says. They got food, shelter, clothing, love, toys, all the neccessities & then some.
Your doing good! Remember, nobody is perfect, but that's part of being human. And just because you AREN'T PERFECT doesn't mean that your kids don't think so. My dad is constantly in & out of prision, but when I needed him he was there for me & is PERFECT in MY eyes
2 people like this
@sexysilver (928)
• United States
6 Dec 06
I'm sure you wouldn't scare away the customers. One of the guys that I eventually made friends with told me that the reason the strippers are so sexy is because of the confidence they have in their bodies up on stage. One of the club favorites up where I worked had a bad scar from a c-section, but she was so confident in herself and her dancing she was definetly the sexiest chick up there. I've seen strippers even in there mid-30's, but when they did there hair & make-up they looked like 20-something. ;)
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
No need to blush.. ok....so you got a job as a stripper. They make very good money, and as long as you got back on your feet, who cares what anyone thinks? I'm too old to do that, and even if I did.. I'd scare away all of the club's cutomer's, lol! Thanks for the input.
@newmomlove (422)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I think this is a very interesting discussion. It was good of your parents to be concerned with your child's financial future. I would say it would be best to keep putting your tax checks into this account until you have paid it back in full. You do realise that this mishap,mistake, whatever you want to call it has actually helped to secure your daughters financial situation even further causing them to feel like putting MORE money into an account for her? So would you say that all of the current bickering and ridicule you are hearing right now is well worth the extra money given to your daughter later? You are NOT a bad mother. I too face financial burdon and understand where you are comming from. Your daughter needs a place to live now. No extra jobs because she needs you both physically. You are all looking out for her future and that is what matters here. Don't worry about the reputation of yourself or your siblings. You are human not perfect and I am sure your situations are very different. You are different people. That is what is wonderfull about you. So your siblings are secure in certain ways. Well you are better in other ways. Keep sharing all of your love. Think only the positives thoughts about your siblings so you don't go crazy with the irritating thoughts. Best wishes!! From one great mom to another!
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I can't think positive thoughts about my one sibling... he was a cruel monster to me when I was a child... We are determined to get back on our feet... we've just had a bit of a set back. As our daughter grows, we will continue to give her lots of love and support. I'm going to raise her so much differently from the way my parents raised me, and my husband agrees with that. I'll never ever, try to control her life as my parents did with us. Some people say never say never, but I'm sticking to this one. Thanks for your input.
@infoman (98)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Plain and simple. Let your parents open account and thank them...put the money back that you owe your daughter...then start saving money for yourself and more for your daughter...then ask your parents if you can contribute to the account they opened for your daughter....they will see then that you have grown-up.
I am learning these kinds of lessons myself.
One day at a time...and don't forget that your parents love you and obviously that can be hard to accept sometimes...for both them and you.
Good luck
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yep, one day at a time,(as hubby always says) and one step at a time. Good points!
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well as long as you put the money back I don't think it should
be a big deal. We all need help every now and then and your daughter needs a place to live. As far as renting at 37, so what? Buying a house these days is pretty hard and there are some advantages to renting. I think there is more going on here than the money. It sounds like a bad relationship. Perhaps your parents are feeling guilty for the situation that you mentioned with the family member.
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yes, we will put the money back. We're just in a little bit of a bind right now. If you read Mr. Robocop's response,(ROFLMAO at that one!) he said I am an impetous child, and made bad decisions. And he doesn't? As a cop I am sure he's made some poor judgement calls. He's making it sound like I ran a plane into a building(YIKES) and there's no hope for me. I do have my daughter's best interest at heart, and until we are back on our feet(which I know we will be) I will make some necessary sacrifices. Here in America(Robocop is from Canada... nothing against Canadians, I love Canada, and have a cousin who moved there a few years ago) anyway, here in America, the prices go up and up, but the paychecks refuse to do so... it just doesn't seem to balance out these days. You may be right.... maybe my parents are feeling guilty.
3 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yes, we will put the money back. We're just in a little bit of a bind right now. If you read Mr. Robocop's response,(ROFLMAO at that one!) he said I am an impetous child, and made bad decisions. And he doesn't? As a cop I am sure he's made some poor judgement calls. He's making it sound like I ran a plane into a building(YIKES) and there's no hope for me. I do have my daughter's best interest at heart, and until we are back on our feet(which I know we will be) I will make some necessary sacrifices. Here in America(Robocop is from Canada... nothing against Canadians, I love Canada, and have a cousin who moved there a few years ago) anyway, here in America, the prices go up and up, but the paychecks refuse to do so... it just doesn't seem to balance out these days. You may be right.... maybe my parents are feeling guilty. I'm giving YOU the best response!!
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
oops! Somehow my response posted twice, I do apologize.
2 people like this
@nandusha (154)
• India
3 Dec 06
ok (I told my parents that we had to use it )that may be the reson why they are acting like that ,it was a gift for ur daughter's education.they must have feelt bad that u did not tell them before u did it .u have to know that if ur daughter is 60 then to she will be ur daughter,it is same with ur mom and dad,Enjoy the life till god permits you to be in the wonderful world
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Yea, you have a good point there. Even when my daughter is 60, I won't tell her how to run her life... that sucks. I am enjoying life to the fullest.. I love being a mom, and I love to play with her, hug and kiss her, sing to her(Poor baby, lol) and even read her Dr.Seuss stories! God has blessed us with a beautiful child, and I have such love for her it goes beyond anything I ever imagined! :-D
@theaterjunkie (344)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Part of me thinks that this post is a little bit melodramatic, but that's just my opinion. And some of your responses to the other posters don't reflect on your 37 years of living. However, despite this, I do think it is unfair that your parents are treating you this way. It's good they are giving your daughter money, but also you need money to support your daughter, and support your family. And you and your husband are both adults, have/can get jobs, and reimburse what you took out. You both are adults and should have the right to decide what to do with your money. My boyfriend is almost 21 years old, and he has money in his savings account that he took out, and his parents told him that if he took out anymore money, they would block the account. So I can quite understand.
Basically, as long as you remain true to reimbursing the money you took out, there shouldn't be a problem.
2 people like this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well... as far as my responses go... like that one person who's the cop(I think he's a cop) was very judgemental. He doesn't even know me and made such judging remarks. That's just ignorance as far as I'm concerned, and people who are that way deserved to get fired back upon. That's all I was doing... just making him and the other person(regarding renting an apartment at my age)... realize how stupid they sounded... they just made remarks without thinking first. Have a pleasant day, and thank you for your remarks. :-D
@luvadeal46 (289)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well I am not trying to be rude... but the whole rolling of the eye thing does seem kind of childish..however I have my own situation and need to be an adult and tell my dad's a few things. However he raised me well and I just let what he says go in one ear and out the other... I was taught to never backtalk him and to this day even though I am 36 years old.. I don't do it...It irritates the crap out of my husband at times because I don't stand up to my dad.. I just explain to him that my dad raised me for 18 years and fed and clothed me and kept me safe. What I mean by safe is he knew where I was all the time which allowed me to be safe. I didn't like it at times.. however I was never in a situation that caused me to be harmed.. etc....so.. Also if your parents want to open an account for your baby.. I think that is wonderful.. I mean children get so many other things on birthday and christmas then why wouldn't you want her to have a bank account when she turns 18. I think that is pretty neat...again I was not trying to be rude...
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
4 Dec 06
I too was taught not to back talk, but it stops when a person turns 18, and she gets the money when she's 30.
1 person likes this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
4 Dec 06
When it come to me rolling my eyes, that's too bad for them.... when they can speak to me like an adult and not keep harping on the same things over and over(as if I didn't hear them the first time.. they like to keep brining things up, which I swear on my own life, I'll never do to my daughter) then I'll quit rolling them. They're just gonna have to get over it. And they wonder why I live so far away? I can see you're not being rude.. you're just making a comment. Thanks!
1 person likes this
@vincent72 (1633)
• Australia
3 Dec 06
buffetwoman , if you specified to your parenyts that you were going to replace it then even if you start by putting a dollar into an account with your daughter as benedficary thast fine , it shows progress, yourparents are proud of you im sure they just see you rolling your eyes and find it immature , i gues they want you to be responsible for your actions thats all , by the way that was a pretty big question , might like to compress it a bit , take care :)
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well, I rolled my eyes because I always know when a lecture is coming on... so that's my way of saying.... Oh boy, here it comes......
@bamby1983 (286)
• India
3 Dec 06
While your need could have been important,you should remember that it wasn't your own money that you spent. Your parents intended to spend their own money on your daughter, yet you spent it on yourself. So their annoyance is understandable. What if they hadn't given you that money? You wouldn't have used it for the new apartment. This means you would have found another way out. Either that, or you wouldn't have moved. Hence, you could have saved their money anyway.
While your parents have absolutely no business interfering in your life, they have the right to ensure that their money goes where they want it to go and to the person they want it to go to. If you fool them once, shame on you. If you fool them twice, shame on them.
Your mother's idea to set up an account for your child is brilliant. They're providing for your kid (something you should be doing, not them) and they're making sure that you don't repeat the same mistake again. You should be grateful tha tthey're actually providing financial support for your daughter. I know it must hurt to know that they don't trust you with money anymore, but you've given them a reason for that. If you really do intend to replace that money, go ahead and do so. At least then, you can prove to them that you stuck to your word and you really ARE an adult and deserve to be treated as one.
2 people like this
@clem9403 (26)
• United States
5 Dec 06
Wow, there are so many responses to your post, I hope I'm not repeating anyone. But my advice is, if your parents wants to open an account for your child let them. I'm not sure of the verse, but in the Bible, it says that a parent is suppose to store up riches for their children and their children's children. So by all means, let them 'store up'! I will look for that verse and give it to you if you want to read it.
1 person likes this
@buffetwoman (623)
• United States
5 Dec 06
What happens if a parent can't store up riches for their children because they have bills to pay?
1 person likes this
