Dealing with divorce

@HerShe (2386)
Canada
September 16, 2006 1:51pm CST
How does one help their children to deal with divorce?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Be honest...don't put the kids in the middle of your issues. Be friendly in front of them..don't ask them to choose sides and don't bad mouth the other...There mantal health is much more important than what ever ended you marriage.
2 people like this
@HerShe (2386)
• Canada
7 Oct 06
I'm not quite sure what you mean by your sentence. But, regardless, I think my mother said it all when she said, "Treat everyone as if they were a guest in your home." She was talking about my husbands at the time, but I think it applies to life in general. It is a good way to live. It promotes civility and peace in the home. I do like your last sentence alot. Make a poster of that!! It's a GOOooD sentence!
@acdc0805 (981)
• United States
7 Oct 06
by talking wtih them, not hiding information, if they ask, telling the truth, and making sure to NOT cause problems between parents, and look "like the bad one" don't talk bad or even good about the other parent, etc...it just makes matters worse. I hear from my step-daughter an awful lot---my mom told me that i'm not supposed to listen to you-and she's 3, so we're ALL working on that one. ALL work together, be civilized etc...
@HerShe (2386)
• Canada
7 Oct 06
You're trying to do a noble thing. Here are a couple of web sites that may help and give you insight. They're many, many more. Just do a search of divorce and children. www.helpguide.org/mental/children divorce.htm (yes, there is a space between children and divorce) fatherhood.about.com/cs/divorceddads/a/divorcekid... Good luck with your mission.
• United States
26 Sep 06
Divorce can really tear Kids up.The best way is to let them see their parents still 'civil' even friendly to each other.that way they feel'Free'to be with either parent, without the pressure of 'taking sides 'on them. I also would suggest not moving out of town where they have familiar 'places ,memories and friends 'till they reach their late teens. It is an absolute 'killer 'when the kids are young and after horrible court battles ,one parent leaves town for good.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Oct 06
Take them to councelling. No matter how open you are with your children, they have baggage that they will not discuss with you. They need reassured by outside adults that they are having normal feelings. The councelors with give your children the one on one time they need and also tips for them on how to deal with you and your ex and how to handle the situation that best fits your child. Yes, money might be tight, but it is the best money you can spend for your children to have a positive outlook from the divorce. (Most children blame themselves for the divorce and you as the parent would never know that).
@HerShe (2386)
• Canada
7 Oct 06
Hi. You sound like you've either been there, or you are a councelor. What you say makes good sense. If you turn it into a post somehow, I think you will get a lot of responses. Thank you for this.
• United States
8 Oct 06
No, I am no councelor. I have a teen daughter who we have in counceling. Her bio Mom, has created an enviroment where she has felt unwanted for the past 5 yrs. The mothers social calendar has taken precedense over her child. After 2 yrs of battling, we finally won, my step-daughter now lives with us and we control more of the situation than before. Yeah! (Yes in rare occassions, the Father can win)
@HerShe (2386)
• Canada
8 Oct 06
Oh, You're betty Boop!! Well Hello. I think what impressed me the most about your response is that you refered to your step-daughter as your daughter. I find that is so rare. People are always separating famillies by making that distinction. I feel for those kids that are not verbally included as one of 'the' children. Good thing you have custody of this girl. She now has a home where she is wanted. Way to go, Dad.... and Mom Good luck with the family in the future.
@sherinek (3323)
• United States
2 Oct 06
Its the most dreaded word for children. I have seen children with parents divorced, mostly blame themselves for that. Cos most parents start yelling at each other using some small thing done by the kids. But the kids are not mature enough to understand that its not them their parents hate but each other. So, parents, if they want to divorce, first come to an agreement to tell the children that it is not their fault that they want to divorce each other. I really feel very strong for children.
1 person likes this
@sherinek (3323)
• United States
4 Oct 06
I am fine thanks. I missed you yesterday. Yes, sometimes I feel ashamed cos my eyes water at the smallest bad thing happen to even other children. My husband always try to distract me from such situations knowing this weakness. Anyway, I had friends at school who had to face this type of problems. They were devastated not knowing what to do and whom to talk to. Always scared that mom and dad will start a fight because of something they did. so they were trying very hard not to slip. Most of the time without success. At that time even I realized that it is not the child's fault and I tried to console them saying that their parents hate each other only. I really hope the children would be better understood and looked after by parents nowadays. I'll wait for your response for our other discussion. Bye for now and take care.
@HerShe (2386)
• Canada
5 Oct 06
I missed you too. Things came up and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you. I know how it affects you when you see children's live in turmoil. I rips me apart too. You were very perceptive at a young age to be able to digest those kinds of situations. I'm sure the children that you tried to comfort felt somewhat better hearing it wasn't really their fault, and that they only hate each other. I think because of the anger of the parents with each other, it makes children very nervous and they tend to 'slip up' a whole lot easier. They don't realize that the parents , in their anger, would have 'flipped out' on them whether they had slipped up or not. I sure do agree with you when you say that you wish parents these days would look after their children better. I'll be looking for our other discussion now. Later Take care
@LaGitana (278)
• United States
8 Oct 06
I don't know if kids ever get over divorce. Mine were about 9 and 10. Now they're both almost 40. Even though they have a lot of fun joking about the differences between me and their Dad, and could never see how we could ever have been together, just the other day we were talking and they just both agreed that they still wonder what it would be like if we had stayed together.
@HerShe (2386)
• Canada
8 Oct 06
It's funny that after all these years it still affects them. I think it must be that way with a lot of children that came through a divorce; they always wonder what if....
• United States
9 Oct 06
My husband seperated 6 1/2 yrs ago from his ex. He had to fight for the divorce, even though she cheated on him. Had their daughter meet the boyfriend even before my husband new she was fooling around. The day my husband and I got married, our daughter told her babysitter "that now she had a Mom". It brought tears to my eyes. The very next day, she was bawling her eyes out because she no longer wanted to go home with her bio Mom. I was caught in the middle of what to do. It has taken us 3 yrs, but we made our daughters dream come true to be able to live with her Dad and I. No one ever knew that she was having issues. Her Bio Mom was going to classes for divorcees for her own mental health, but neglected to ever think that her child might also be suffering. We now have her in counceling because of the radical changes in parenting, disipline, and expectations. She is responding extremely well and is a happy well adjusted child. The best part is that she now is finally getting along better with her Bio Mom and is able to speak civilly with her. Thanks for allowing me my 2 cents.
• United States
9 Oct 06
This is a great topic, my 10 yr old daughter has been through it twice already (once w/me and her dad then again with her dad and his 2nd wife)She has been going to counseling for 3 yrs now and it has helped her come to terms with everything. It's especially hard if they have any other siblings. I wish you luck in this, it will be difficult but in time and with help it will become easier for the child.
• United States
9 Oct 06
My philosophy is that if you marry someone with a child(ren), you have to openly accept them as your own. Even if your spouse does not have custody, you will be spending a good majority of your life around them, so you darn well better love them with your whole heart or there will be problems (I hope this will help, so that you can give a rating.) Thank you
@Jshean20 (14367)
• Canada
7 Oct 06
Assuring them that it is not their fault. If at all possible, still spend some time with them and their father at the same time, dinners or something. Being friends with the dad would do wonders I'm sure.
2 Oct 06
I can see children really interest you HerShe! Though I think it’s always that difficult situation however it's dealt with it's life changing. I might step out abit further and say perhaps it’s more difficult for older children who are aware of the situation say about 9-14 year olds rather than the younger children as you can always reassure the younger ones as despite a situation like that they’ll believe you, by making them aware that Daddy/Mummy will always be there, by visiting a lot etc. Although it must terrible in a situation where the parents are at ‘war’.