Parents: how to handle the problem with my mother

My son - My son some weeks ago
@lyloo14 (128)
France
December 5, 2006 10:22am CST
I've had a hard time getting pregnant because of a sickness and many surgeries. I lost my first baby when I was 5 monthes pregnant, and a second one a 2 month pregnancy. All this time and before also, even with living far away, my mom was always by my side, either by phone or in person, and was always here to comfort me and help me out throught these hard times. In July 2005, I gave birth by C-section and prematurely to a wonderful little boy who is now growing fast and healthy. Mom came to visit me a week after, and since that day, she don't want to talk to me anymore. She invoqued ridiculous pretexts to explain why she was angry with me, but none of these (who are changing each time depending the person she talks to) are valuable to explainwhy she don't want to see me or my little angel. I would maybe understand she can be angry with me, but her attitude towards the baby is really ununderstandable. I do obviously miss my mom, but I did now pass through my sadness and I'm more kind of angry! I think (knowing I did write and call her already without answer)that the only solutionI have now is to go there and have an explanation with her about the real reasons of her attitude. Dad is suffering also very much from this situation, he tried to makes the things go better, tried to talk with her, but without success. This discussion I would have with her may be kind of rude and I know it will maybe not help. But, at least things cannot be worse than now. What is your opinion about my wish, and what would you do in this situation? Your input will be really appreciated! Thanks
21 people like this
117 responses
@mfrancq (1808)
• United States
5 Dec 06
You poor thing, I know I can't say that I fully understand because I have not gone through your exact situation. Trust me when I say that it is very close though. My mother and i have always had a rocky relationship...but I kept it going the best I could with her being my mother. She was very unsupportive when my husband and I decided to get married, and I think this is where her problems with me really started. When I decided to start trying to get pregnant we were all of a sudden best friends. I found out that it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant(a very long story that I will spare you of) and so my mom and I grew even closer because she went to all my doctor appointments with me. I finally did get pregnant, however, at nine weeks I miscarried and had to go for a d&c. My mother stuck by me through all of that. I got pregnant a second time and everything was wonderful between us until I went into labor. She just changed. I don't know what happened. She stormed out of the hospital and didn't talk to me for three months. Even had the whole family mad at me for no reason. She later claimed that my inlaws were rude to her so she left. I had many people there and they say no such thing happened. They said she just got mad that she couldn't be in the room (it was a difficult and premature birth) so she left. I called her after the three months and worked things out with her, only for her to turn around three weeks later and go all weird again. Needless to say, she went nuts on my husband and started pushing me while I was holding my baby, so I told her that she needed to leave and she hasn't talked to me since. I don't know what happens with family once a baby is born. You would think it would bring us closer...but someone's feelings always gets hurt. I am so sorry about your situation, I know it is hard. If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me. I wish you the best of luck, and don't let this interfere with you having fun with your son!! This isn't your problem...this is hers.
4 people like this
@lyloo14 (128)
• France
5 Dec 06
Thank you ! I'll certainly message you yes, not especially because I need someone to talk to (I have the luck to have some very good friends around me) but ...yeah, you'll see, lol! just give me a few hours, living at the other part of the world, it's already night here ;o), but thank you so much for your concern :o)
3 people like this
• United States
6 Dec 06
I think sometimes when a baby is born no matter how anticipated the birth is.. does take a toll on the family, In June my husband and I had the first boy in 21 years in my family we( my family ) have had 7 girls my aunt who she and my uncle have 4 girls, she kinda went a little nuts. not so much on me but just in general,and my son was in NICU and she came to visit , and all she could say was... You have a son... and just the way she would say it was kinda weird becuase it would be out of no-where....But Im sure whatever your moms reason she says her behavior is ...It is something else. and quite possibly she may never tell you the truth becuase it has gone on for so long it sounds more silly than ever good luck
• United States
5 Dec 06
I too wonder about your mother's mental condition. Her responses now do not fit with the situations you discribed previously. It could be that now you have a healthy child she feels she is no longer needed by you and has projected this feeling into an anger with no foundation. I read a few weeks ago about postpartum depression affecting fathers as well as new mothers. I find myself wondering if it may extend to other family members who had been previously close. It may get rude, it may get rough, but clearing the air is the only way to discover what the actual problem is. It's harder to walk away from someone standing right there than it is to not answer a letter or to hang up the phone.
3 people like this
@nishas3 (57)
• United States
6 Dec 06
wow you really need to confront her and ask her what the heck her problem is. Go there and tell her that you think she is jelous because now you have your own baby and she has no one that needs her. But in reality you really do need her and she is being a selfish imbecile for removing you from her life. I'm sorry but that just aggrevates me. what mother would leave their child like that AND put their husband in the middle? good luck.
2 people like this
• Sri Lanka
6 Dec 06
Im also agree with ur comment
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
i toooo
1 person likes this
@nandusha (154)
• India
6 Dec 06
me to oooo
• Brazil
6 Dec 06
I'm just 17... and already had many problems with my parents..but anything like yours... Try to talk is always the best solution.. There are many psychological diseases that can make your mom act like that... psychologists can help you.. try to convince your mom with a help of your dad to go in some sections ^^
2 people like this
• Thailand
6 Dec 06
ok,i am not married and i might not the suitable peson for advice but still,i feel there might be somehing wrong in this case .having prob with parents is a very common thing today but somebody has to adjust. in my opinion talking is a very good idea,afterall she's ur mother. or maybe there is some other reason for this like some insecure feeling of ur mother or she cant hav anyone else love u more ,its a disease but to be treated with real care. try to get rid of these thoughts from ur mind ,i know its difficult but still u hav to do what u hav to.what abt consulting with ur dad in this matter?
• India
6 Dec 06
I feel you shoudnt give much importance to it as it is not your fault. But at the same time you need to find out why she is angry with you. I guess you should give it some time and if things still dont work out then you need to approach her and question her.
1 person likes this
@ajhenloc (35)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Please try not to be angry with your mom. You are angry because you are afraid. Can you or will you tell me more about what she said to you when you asked her originally. Don't confuse this with what other people said she said. Mom probably doesn't want to really tell anyone else because she is maybe ashamed and is trying to say something but it comes up short and doesn't make sense to you. Wait a while before you confront her because it won't help and may make you feel worse. I would ask God to intervene and get the ball rolling. It has worked for me every time and I am not a big bible thumping kinda girl.
2 people like this
@lyloo14 (128)
• France
6 Dec 06
this will be in 2 parts as Mylot don't allow me to post all at once (must be too long, looooooooool) As said before, I was angry, but not so much anymore, I'm more kind of deceived and dissapointed, and if I'm still a bit angry, it's not about her but about her attitude. Yes, I can tell you more, but the post will be long, lol. And really, not much can explain his reaction. At first, I have to precise that my C-section was programmed, but also advanced one week because of complications (but not in urgency, so they knew). They could have been there, if it would have been the programmed day, but couldn't one week before as my dad was in middle east for work (mom cannot drive long distances, she doesn't see well). So they did came the day I was leaving clinic and brought us home. As my baby was premature,even if I did foresee I didn't have fitting clothes and diapers for him (clinic does provide everything as long as you stay there though), so dad told me I should let my mom watch over the baby, and we both would go to the stores to buy all the necessary stuff. And that's what we did. When we came home, everything was allright, we talked nicely together even if I was not very talkative, being myself very tired (who would not after a C-section and anxiety about a premature newborn?), dad did understood that very well he saw and said I was exhausted, evening came, DH got back from work, we prepared for eating, and at that time everything was still OK.
1 person likes this
@sammy1128 (241)
• China
6 Dec 06
really incredible,how did your mother change so much after your delivery.i think she should be happy instead of the attitude.i think whatever her attitude is, she is still your mother,you should still treat her like before,and contact your father to find out the answer.
@lyloo14 (128)
• France
6 Dec 06
yes , she should...logically she should...And I did not change in my behaviour. I still try to phone, but sedly nobody can force her to pick up the phone. And my father already tried to have an explanation from her...she just don't wanrt to tell
@anne_143god (5390)
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
I think you should ask her what is the root why she is so angry with you by that you will understand why she act like that or tell your father to ask your mother what is her problem against you if she cant tell you directly.
2 people like this
• China
6 Dec 06
a good suggestion,with the time going i think everthing will be ok
2 people like this
• United States
6 Dec 06
You son is adorable! Congratulations on being able to conceive. Whenever you have to struggle to try to conceive, ending the waiting period is that much more enjoyable. As for your mother, I can not explain why she is behaving the way that she is. I would have to say that she is the one with the problem. If she will not explain to you the problem, then she is being very childish. I would suggest that you write her one last letter asking for her to provide you with the reasons for her actions. Really you can not be the mother in the situation, and she has to be the one to come around. I am going through something similar with my mother, sort of. She has always favored my brother, and can only conversate at a time with one of us, which she choses to be my brother right now. I have let her know how I feel about it, and the ball is in her court to make the changes. We are the children!
@lyloo14 (128)
• France
7 Dec 06
Thank you! Yes, true, she is the one with the problem, but true also that many people do suffer from it, my dad, I, My DH (because he know's I'm sad). And I do agree (and my whole family also) that she does act very childisch. Unfortunately, I already wrote, several times but didn't get any answer or explanation. The only things I know are those that dad did tell me after having talked to her (and these reasons are not reasons, lol, first because they're details completely out,of proportions with the problem, and second because they change often...) I hope you will also improve your relations with your own mom, it's very difficult to accept that some parents do favor one or another child, this should not be, and it's very sad! Good luck to you too:o)
@sherinek (3323)
• United States
6 Dec 06
The period you sufferred have not gone waste. Your son is so cute. I understand your feelings. If this happened to me, i would be devastated too. So I think what you should do is take her for counselling. That is go to a third party to discuss this problem. If you yourself try to talk to her, I doubt it will work. When you go to a third party, you can talk, your mom can talk plus you get a chance to listen to her point of view as well. I think it might be good. I hope by Christmas you'd be able to solve this problem and have a merry Christmas. Good Luck.
2 people like this
@lyloo14 (128)
• France
7 Dec 06
Thank you...and no I did really not suffer in vaain :o) It would however be very difficult to set a counselling for us both, we live too far away to be able to do that. For myself, I'm already followed, because after all my health issues, this was the "drop" too much and I needed help... Have a merry Christmas too!
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Something really does not add up here. Something really drastic had to have happened for your mother to have changed that much. Did she seem normal during the visit when she was there the day she came a week kafter your child was born? Was anyone else there that day? I am a grandmother myself and I can't imagine anything keeping me away from my grandchildren or my daughter. I would suggest going to see your mother alone. Ask to sit and visit -- just the two of you. Speak to her calmly. Do your best not to get angry. Tell her how much you miss her and tell her you really want to know what happened and why she no longer wants to have anything to do with you or your child.
@lyloo14 (128)
• France
6 Dec 06
Yes she seemed completely normal, until after dinner, and no nobody except my dad was there. I did always foresaw to go there alone, and I promise I won't get angry (I'm not an angry person ;o) ) Thank for your response :o)
1 person likes this
@miyara (523)
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
i think the best way to do it is be humble! go to your mother and talk about what's happening, discuss to her what she needs to know but be open to all what she would say. accept things if she says to you that she's jealous or just missing you a lot that's why she's being like that. or what if she's just having menopausal syndromes which you just need to understand her more. good communication will lead you to the answer. goodluck!
• United States
6 Dec 06
thats harsh good lcuk sweetie thats wierd tho i suggest simply talkin with ur mom bout it and dont resist make sure she lets u kno a real answer...good luck im curious to kno how this turns out
2 people like this
• United States
6 Dec 06
I think that it is really bad that your Mom does not want anything to do with your son. He is so cute. I know it hurts you that she does not want to spend time with you or your son but right now you need to concentrate on your son. It is your moms loss that she does not want to see your son. I wish that my parents would see there grandkids more but they dont and I just feel that it is there loss.
2 people like this
• Romania
6 Dec 06
It is a pretty difficult situation you are in. It seems hard for me to understand what really happened. I mean, your mother was all supportive when you lost those two children, and when she was supposed to be next to you - when you were happy - she turned upset?! Why?! I really don't get it . I can imagine what is in your heart right now. What I would do is the same that you are trying to right now.. Try talk to her - it is the only possiblity .. See what is inside her heart too.. try to make her open to you.. If you will succeed or not ... that you cannot really know. But i think it wiorthn to try! And congratulations for the baby !! All the happiness in the world!!
2 people like this
• Netherlands
6 Dec 06
There has to be something that set her off. Don't get me wrong it is possible that it is all in her head or made up by her, but there has to be some reason if it is not early signs of alzheimers disease. (or diabetes. If a diabetic doesn't watch what they eat properly they can get moody.) It is sad that this happened to you though as you were able to count on her at one time. I would try to get a clear reason out of her but I wouldn't like that she is telling people all sorts of reasons.
2 people like this
@nandusha (154)
• India
6 Dec 06
u have a sweet boy ,but ur problem with ur mom is geting i ur way to have a great life tell her that u miss her and u want ur son to know her,and if u can live ur son alone withur mom for a while and i promis u that no gaent mom can get to be angry with there sweet grand child so take him to meet her and u will see the diffrent and may god be with u .
2 people like this
• India
6 Dec 06
listen as you dont know why your mom is acting a bit different,first i dont know whether your baby is a boy or a girl.coz some parents will like boy and some like girl.so that may be one cause.second may be a different reason which i even cant think about.so the correct solution is go to her and talk to her.you have to reach her and first try to talk to her.if she is not willing to talk then take her to a calm and lonely place and then talk to her softly.even if she gets angry for useless things but you have to bear coz she is ur mom.then even if she is saying try to support her in that context and say like admiting your fault.in this way you can make her normal.if its problem with the baby then you can do nothing.
2 people like this
@adnan82 (673)
• Pakistan
6 Dec 06
Your prOblem has only one sOlution n that is u have to talk to Your mom and try to convince her to reveal all the things which she is hiding.deep inside her heart for so long.
2 people like this
@KrauseHome (35526)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Maybe your Mom was happy with the thoughts of you having no Children, and such so you would Call her and have more things in common and now she feels threatened that you are now grown up to where you have a Healthy son to take care of. I agree with some of the other posts, that she might be suffering from some form of Mental illness or such and afraid to deal with her feelings, and instead takes it out on you. All you can do is try to be there for her if she ever wants to talk, and live your life one day at time. If she does not want to move on, then you need too, and be the best you can be for you and your son. He is adorable by the way.
• India
6 Dec 06
as there is no reason why ur mom has to stay away from you inspite of seeing the cute little baby boy,i doubt if she is into some troubles. why dont u try to find out from her close ones if she has any troubles or sickness that she is afraid to share with u as u r in a happy mood with ur family.wat can be done in such a situation is write a letter to her explaining ur worries, and how painful is this situation. apologise her if u had done any mistake knowingly r unknowingly. and assure that she is a part of ur life and u r waiting for a day when she would get back to u.only mother can forgive her children. something to be noted here is that ur mom is also troubling ur father more or less similar.when u write a letter dont expect a response from her. also,its important that u let her know that its just to vent out ur anguish and let her know wat u r going thru but not expecting a response. things should workout and she would surely come back to you.but give her some time, let her decide.all the best.
2 people like this