Keep Fighting or Throw In The Towel??

fight - pic of a couple fighting
United States
December 11, 2006 3:31pm CST
So I have two friends, they have been married for 8 years and lately they feel like the love has fallen out of their marriage. They feel more like roomates than lovers. Now he is shy and has trouble really expressing how he feels emotionally and physically and she feels unloved and ugly. Now I have tried and tried to talk to them but then again what do I know because I have never been married and never had a relationship last more than 6 months. Now I can tell them how I feel that they shouldnt give up and they should talk it out and work out their problems but she feels it is too little too late. She feels that talking again will only be a temporary fix and that in a few weeks things will go back to the way they were. She wants to just end it but I told her to think very hard about it because they have two very young kids. One is 7 months and one is 3 years. I wish there was something I could do to help because I hate to see my two friends fighting with eachother. I just dont know what else to tell them?
40 responses
• United States
12 Dec 06
You have to stay out of it. You'll be the loser either way; if they stay together, they've told you more than you should know, and if they split you might have influenced it. They created the problem, and only they can find its solution. Save yourself!
• United States
12 Dec 06
yea i am trying to get away from my needing to help and let them figure it out themselves but they keep coming to me cause they do for every other problem in life. I am starting to kinda get away from them but its a slow process
• United States
12 Dec 06
They are coming to you to tattle on one another. Each is looking for your sympathy. In the end, you'll be the bad guy for one or both of them. You didn't create the mess, so why should you have to clean it up?
@pinkypop (664)
• Philippines
12 Dec 06
A Broken Marriage is a BIG NO-NO !!!! - A Broken Marriage is a BIG NO-NO !!!!
Why what happend to them? Have you asked them as to what is the root cause for them to be fallen out of love towards each other? Marriage is not like a hot rice that ones you get burned, you'll just throw it away ... instead it is a lasting bond between two person that no matter what, they will be together through thick and thin. Problem always comes in and out not only in married couple but in all of us...so we must face it with courage and no matter what we should never give-up. That's life and problems are a part of it. What can I advice you ... is to be a dating coordinator to this friends of yours. Set a blind date for the two of them in one romantic place. And who knows that maybe a start of something new for them. Good luck!!!
• United States
12 Dec 06
aparently he doesnt express his love for her often enough but at the same time she expects them to be like newlyweds everday after being married for 8 years. I know that after time we get comfortable with eachother, its not that loves fading but in some cases it does but he really loves her and tells her so but she misses the feeling you get when you first start dating. That butterflys in the stomach feeling.
• United States
11 Dec 06
I know that it is hard to see your friends fighting. I don't know the whole situation but sometimes there really is nothing left and they might need to move on. Some people make better friends than lovers, I have seen this happen. So don't look at just the negative, this might be the best thing for everyone involved. And I am a firm believer in people NOT staying together just because of the kids. Yes, divorce can be hard on the kids but their parents always fighting and never happy with each other is even harder. Everything will work out in it's way you will see :).
• United States
12 Dec 06
Thats very true, my parents got divorced I remember how hard it was living with them fighting all the time, but my mom was afraid we would resent her for leaving but i told her i supported her because I would rather them be apart and happy then together and fighting all the time, thanks for your advice
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
11 Dec 06
I cannot think of the name, but Dr. Phil has a book and a workbook for couples in this situation. It should not be hard to find. It will help them to work things out. They should try it. If that does not work, then, I would say, if they are not happy, they should get out, because as Dr. Phil says, "children would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home."
• United States
11 Dec 06
I think it is called, "Relationship Rescue"
• United States
11 Dec 06
this just happened to me, well I tried really hard to show them my side the way all there friends and family see there relationship. THey fought all the time and barly talked to each other. You could tell the love is lost. Well anyway, I would advise you to step back and be careful it all turned around on me and I got blamed for there break up and lost a dear friend to me in the process.
• United States
12 Dec 06
yea i am trying to be supportive but not be all up in it
• United States
11 Dec 06
This is a problem that often happens in a marriage. One is too quiet the other feels unwanted. Marriage and love have to be worked at. It isn't just having a discussion, going over the issues and then letting them go. It is an every day thing. I know the pressures of life can make working at a relationship seem like that one thing too many, but working at a relationship pays off for much longer than a job or watching a TV program. Maybe they could have a 'date' night...once or twice a month. Just the adults going out or staying in, no TV, or reading a book, but dinner and a movie, maybe bathing each other...dinner and dancing? A nite on the town? Little things like complimenting clothing or hair can do a lot for a girl's self esteem...plus it lets her know she is noticed and not just the chief cook and bottle washer. If he has trouble expressing his emotions, how about notes? Poems? She could put notes in his pockets. Shy guys need encouragement, she used to know this. Yes, relationships take work, love takes work. In the long run it's worth it.
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
11 Dec 06
partnership is the key to marriage never forget the partnership and communicate regularly
@coolcager (497)
• Costa Rica
12 Dec 06
throw in the towel so there will be peace
12 Dec 06
Give them one last chance to see if their relationship's worth saving. Send them for a romantic weekend or something! The change of scenary could do them good and if it does, then they can possibly work it out and if it doesn't go well, then it's time to "throw in the towel"
• United States
12 Dec 06
well they should sit down and talk or see a marriage counselor.if they really want theyre marriage to work they will find a way.i do not think you should get involved seeing how your friends with them.sometimes married people just lose their way other times they become distant and sometimes people need to seperate if they fight alot especially since they have to young kids and if they do fight it will only affect the kids.they need to both sit down and really think if they want to stay in marriage and make things work or not.but its really up to them.
• Philippines
12 Dec 06
open communication is the key to any relationship. both of them should have a long and hearty talk...or better yet, they should try and spend time alone together to renew their feelings for each other. sometimes, when we are caught up with all the problems in a relationship, we tend to forget the reason why you got together in the first place. i guess starting from the basics would be a good start. let them express each other what they like and they dont like with each other...from then, they can move on
@BrendaA (365)
• United States
12 Dec 06
I think you are right to try and get them to talk it out. Too many people give up to easily. Maybe an outside person would be more helpful, like a marriage counsler
@Darkwing (21591)
12 Dec 06
This is a difficult situation which I feel you should let them sort out themselves. I agree, they need to talk and come to a decision about their future, but only they know what that decision must be. As for the children, I think it would be just as harmful for them to have to stay in a bad relationship where there is no longer any love, as it would be for them to split with one of their parents. After all, the parent who is living apart from them can always show his love by visiting and taking them out places. Ok... I think they need to talk, and I think they ought to find their own solution, in summary. I think you should perhaps tell your friend that... it's unfair of them both to burden you with how they're feeling about themselves now that they've fallen out of love. I suggest you tell them that, and maybe offer to take the kids to the park whilst they talk, privately? Good luck... I know this is hard but it's not really your problem.
@massaj03 (4376)
• United States
12 Dec 06
Honestly when there are kids involved and it not being something major thats happened between them I would say not give up as well...They honestly in my opinion shouldn't throw 8yrs down the drain, and plus they got 2 kids to look out for and raise, giving up would bother them bad in the long run. But it's not always easy..if its meant for them to stay together, they will work it out. If they love each other then one of them or both will eventually give in and stop the fussing and be happy again. Maybe you could suggest them going out to the movies or to eat alone, just spending some time together, maybe thats what they need. I don't know the whole situation, but that is about all I can say.
@amber81 (288)
• United States
12 Dec 06
Well... i dont know what is going on with their marriage... but in my opionon if one has not cheated on the other .. i belive they need to stay and work it out... marriage isnt easy... its something very special but yet VERY hard... i think they should work on it... Maybe you can tell her ... you know ... talk about it and make your mind up that your gonna work it out.. and work towards that... dont give up on your marriage!
12 Dec 06
I think the only people who can decide this is the actual people involved. Nobody else can tell what they are actually thinking about the situation. They need to sit down and have a long talk about what they really want. Nobody else can really help with this.
• India
12 Dec 06
this wat marriage life is starts off nice and will become ugly towards some time.every person should think of the future and make decision a family man or women decision acts their child too,Before taken any decision they should have in mind the young kids they have,If their parents had done will this then they will not in this position,so young couples been patient in your decisions
@acosjo (1904)
• Canada
12 Dec 06
Canada Volleyball - Canada Volleyball
They ultimatley have to figure this out on their own. Maybe separation is the way to solve it. I've been there. It will be tough but they will know if it is worth it. At the end of the day they have to do what they feel is right and if they are right for each other.
• India
12 Dec 06
be cool dun worry - see dis n let go off worries 4 a while
m really feeling sad 4 d kids who wud suffer d either way wether they separate or stay 2gether kids wont get d luv of their father as a man who has lost luv 4 his wife will definitely not have feelings 4 d kids n wife being a mother cant stop luvin them.but watever its better they shud get seperated as it is the only way out if they remain together as the time passes on they will realise they have spoiled thier and thier kids life. the mother shoud take custody of the kids and should marry later in life wen may be by luk she finds a guy whos cabale enuf 2 take dis responsibility n give them a fathers luv if not done dis way d kids will grow in2 complex personalities coz of d tensions n situation at home. take care bye n do reply me if u like my advice heres a sweet little kiddie 4 u 2 let go off d tension 4 a while
@scorpius (1793)
• India
12 Dec 06
it often happens in marriage ,the problem is always a lack of communication or miscommunication.i thnk that yuo should make them see a marriage counsellor.the counsellor would generally work withn them through their problems.i have given some links below.take them to the counsellor yourself if you thjink that is necessary.either way make sure that they see a marriage ciunsellor as there are two very young kids invloved here. http://www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com/ http://family-marriage-counseling.com/index.htm http://www.relate.org.uk/
@sharon613 (2324)
• United States
12 Dec 06
hubby - hubby
keep fighting after all you married for better or worse. Look what I am married too.