Uncomfortably Close Exes?
By misskatonic
@misskatonic (3723)
United States
December 13, 2006 10:57pm CST
I recently came out of a pretty serious relationship. We were together for over a year. We parted on friendly terms and decided to remain friends. But I made it clear that it would take a while for me to be able to be just friends, and I needed some distance.
The problem is, she's still treating me pretty much the same way as when we were going out. She still tells me she loves me, still keeps up regular daily contact, and she just let me know she got me a Christmas gift. This makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I still do care about her, but not that way. And I feel like she's trying to keep up connections that aren't there. She *is* a very sweet and nice person, and very open and affectionate, but still....
Do you think I'm overreacting?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
15 Dec 06
Well it seems that she wants more to be there than there is. This is a delicate matter since you were together a year or so and you probably don't want to hurt her feelings. I would just change the way you speak to her. Show a bit of distance by the way you choose your words. Women get those subtle hints.... heh. Just keep it up and she will get it. :)
1 person likes this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
15 Dec 06
I've definitely changed my tone and words when I talk with her now. I've gotten more distant and there's no affection or anything. But it's not working. :/
1 person likes this
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
19 Dec 06
Start being a little flakey. Like if you say you call her later, don't. Maybe just disappear from her for several days on end. If nothing nice at all works.... Then just outright tell her that she needs to cool it a bit because you need your space to get your head sorted out. Tell her that if the friendship is going to work, there has to be space.
1 person likes this
@dementia88 (900)
• United States
14 Dec 06
No your not overreacting. you should probally talk to her again and set some boundries.
1 person likes this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
14 Dec 06
That's what I've been thinking, but I don't want to make an idiot out of myself and accuse her of doing something she's not. But it does feel to me like she's trying to keep up something that's not there. Thanks!
@margieanneart (26423)
• United States
15 Dec 06
This happens a lot unfortuately. She is not ready to let go and be friends. So, you may have to cut it completely if you are really uncomfortable with it. But, I would discuss that with her first. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@wyrdsister (584)
• Canada
19 Dec 06
No, I don't think you are over reacting. You probably have good instincts. That, combined with the fact that you spent a year in a close relationship with this woman, means you probably have the situation accurately assessed.
Things will take time to find a better balance. It sucks, but time is usually necessary to figure these things out, even if things did end on a good and friendly note. Boundaries need to be renegotiated and reestablished in a way that is comfortable for both of you. You both just happen to be handling this readjustment differently.
The best thing you can do is to be open and honest with her. Keep in mind that she might understand you completely, yet her behaviour may not change right away. It's one thing to understand things intellectually, and another to understand emotionally and unconsciously.;) You are both handling this parting in the ways that work best for you, and a new balance is going to take awhile to develop.
Jeepers, did that sound as therapist-y as I think it did? LOL! I've got to get my head out of my books! But I still stand by what I said.:D
Good luck you you! ((HUGS))
~Wyrdsister
