Husband cheated ...... NEED ADVICE

India
December 16, 2006 11:36am CST
my friends husband cheated her. she came to know this 2 days ago.he's commiting adultery from last 2 years and this was not in the knowledge of her.she's in kind of shock!! she say's she can't decide what to do. any sugessions are welcome.
9 people like this
88 responses
@Darkwing (21583)
16 Dec 06
It depends on whether she wants to work at saving the relationship, and, how long they've been married. If they've been married for a lot longer than the two years, this might just be a stray, and the other woman as much to blame as the husband. In this case, I would confront him with the issue, and see what he has to say, and whether he wants to move on himself. Then, I would base my decision on his answers. It also depends on whether there are young children involved, as he will be a big part of their lives, and his leaving could cause all sorts of problems with the children. I think I would handle it this way: I would prepare a special dinner one evening when they can sit and eat alone, and whilst eating, or after eating, perhaps would be better, I would ask him if I could have an important chat with him. Then, if he says yes, I would open the conversation with something like, "Are you happy in your marriage to me?" He'll probably ask why she asks, then it's time to let him know that she knows he is in another relationship and cheating on her, and she can ask the questions she needs the answers to from there, like what the reason was he went to somebody else, what are his feelings about separating for a while, or about the kids, and stuff, whether he still wants your friend in his life, and whether as his wife, or a friend... that sort of stuff. This is a very hard thing to do, but better than thinking all kinds of reasons for his infidelity. That would drive her nuts, and the chances are, that if he sees how much it upsets and hurts his wife, he may just end the other relationship. If, however, talking fails, then she must pick up the pieces and move on. Painful again, I know, but she has the right to a life too, and it's not happening right now. I hope this will help. It's a tricky situation and one best dealt with just between the two or three people involved. There's no harm in advising her, as a friend, but be careful, because these actions can sometimes be seen as interferance from somebody outside the immediate relationship. :-)
@Darkwing (21583)
16 Dec 06
You're very welcome. I just hope it will help your friend. It's a very difficult time for her and she needs all the support she can get, without you actually getting too personally involved, if you know what I mean. :-)
1 person likes this
@kahheng (281)
17 Dec 06
Yes, I agree with you! You are offering a very sound advice here. I could not have write this any better!!!
1 person likes this
• India
16 Dec 06
no she doesn't have any child and thanks for ur suggestion.it really seems effective
2 people like this
• United States
16 Dec 06
If he has been cheating for the last 2 years, the relationship failed and she needs to pick up the pieces and move on. My theory of cheating: everyone is human and is bound to make mistakes. If the relationship is rocky or any form of cheating happens at all for whatever reason, the cheater will A) Learn it was a mistake and feel guilty and never do it agian or B) like being with someone else or like the secret life of it and continue to do so. Your poor friend. She needs to drop him!!
3 people like this
• India
16 Dec 06
i also think she should leave him.
2 people like this
@kahheng (281)
17 Dec 06
Before jumping into any conclusion and suggesting any advice, best is to seek root cause of the problem. Things might not be as they seem. Please bear in mind that you should not be making conlcusion and offering advice without complete picture of the situation.
2 people like this
@parlink (184)
• Romania
17 Dec 06
Mrs., I don't know if you like your friend, but I think that it is not a good idea to ask her to leave her husband now. Before giving some advice to your friend, You have to know how much husband deceive their wife in one year. Or what are statistics of divorce for this reason. Because, I believe that even if she leaves from him, the one that she will meet later is not on to be a saint. Therefore, the solution is to speak about it in family and to adjust it in family. Besides, it makes two years that happened. Therefore, I think that she must take that with a lot of moves back and no to take the decisions that you are going to regret later. Didn't she well live with her husband before the news?
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Dec 06
there's always a reason why men commits adultery perhaps there is something missing in the relationship.. i'm not saying that you are not a responsible partner.. this is just one of the possibilities... but on average, men really are cheaters it's just in our bloodline... we can't help it..
2 people like this
• United States
17 Dec 06
Would you be ok if a woman gave you that answer after being in a relationship with her for a few years and then find out that she was cheating on you? Men would rather sneak behind your back instead of being up front with you about what they want. We are not mind readers, you have to tell us what you want. And women, we need to be open minded about a man's needs. Sometimes, by the time a man says somthing is bothering him, he as it the point of making a decision of weather to continue the relationship or not.
• United States
17 Dec 06
She should leave him and not look back
@teenal (1400)
• Dublin, Ireland
18 Dec 06
She should talk to him and find out exactly what has been going on and why before making any decisions. She also should have some time before deciding what is the best thing to do. If she makes a decision whilst hurting and angry and without all the information she may regret it later.
@lauriefnp (5111)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I don't call a 2 year relationship with another woman (I'm assuming it was the same woman?) simply "cheating". I think of cheating as a 1 or 2 time "weakness"; after all, we're all human (not that it's right or even a good excuse). I call a 2 year relationship just that- he is playing both ends against the middle, and is involved in 2 long-term relationships. I vote that BOTH women dump him!!
• United States
17 Dec 06
I totally agree. a 2-yr deal with this other woman is not just "cheating". It's a full on relationship, and he's basically having his cake and eating it too. It needs to be stopped. HE needs to be stopped.
1 person likes this
@jayarajgr (816)
• India
16 Dec 06
I am not married, but I will give my opinion. If a male commit extra marital relationships, that means he is not satisfied with the wife. May be the girl is not providing enough for the guy. Discuss it with her. If they can talk and come through it, that will be better. But she need to get out of the shock to do something. He is guilty for sure, but there is some fault in her part as well. Dialogue is the best option, practically thinking.
2 people like this
• United States
18 Dec 06
you blame the woman for the fact the man cann't remain faithfull and keep a commitment how backwards is that ???????????
@sevenseas (754)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I don't think this would be a decision for me. If someone accepted my love but yet disrespected me enough to be unfaithful....regardless of how much I may love them...I would walk. I wouldn't like myself for doing anything else but taking control enough of my life not to let some azz do that to me again.
1 person likes this
@j_thomas (957)
• India
18 Dec 06
Her husbnad is doing adultery for past 2 ears.if she had not came to know he would have been doing for another 2 years.so it better to divorse that guy
@innechen (1318)
• Indonesia
19 Dec 06
if she love her husband very much and if he had promise to never do it again then why not giving him a 2nd chance? everybody deserve a 2nd chance.but if its happens again then she have to left him coz he has prove that the cheated had became a habit and would never stop.but if she feels that she cant live in the untrust situation i mean that she think that she would never be able to forgive him then left him.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
16 Dec 06
I have been there but only suspected never knew for sure till after I got divorced I suggest to that she starts a new Life without him
2 people like this
• United States
16 Dec 06
She needs to let him go and find a better man.
1 person likes this
• China
7 Feb 07
but another one you can sure he is a saint.
• India
16 Dec 06
yes divorce is the one thing which can help her
1 person likes this
• Brazil
17 Dec 06
i agree with my friend there, divorce before things get nasty...
1 person likes this
@scarymary (124)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I would say leave him, but I know that is easier said than done. [emotionally] This wasn't a one night stand, this was a 2 year long lie! That's going to be hard to move past, but if both people are ready to try I'm sure it can be done. However, how did she find out? Did he tell her or did she just find out oh accident? If he is not looking to change, she is better off washing her hands of it and looking for someone who will treat her right.
1 person likes this
• India
18 Dec 06
she should leave
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
17 Dec 06
he has cheated on her for 2 years? that's too long.. and she never knew about it? that's so so so depressing. when trusting someone so much without knowing that he's not worth the trust. she should decide on what she wants. if she wants to still go on with the relationship or let her husband go. if her husband won't change and will only keep on hurting her, she better move on on her own.. with your help ofcourse. be there for her. make her feel you'll never leave her side. she needs you. be strong for her. she'll need your strength.
1 person likes this
@cooky28 (739)
• Australia
16 Dec 06
Stand up for herself and tell him to P????ss off,and divorce tho pri??k
1 person likes this
@m4riu5 (21)
• Romania
17 Dec 06
she must decide if he deserve her ...
1 person likes this
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
16 Dec 06
My question is does she still love him? since they've been together for over 2 yrs I'd say she does-if that's the case they should try to work it out
1 person likes this
@Etharon (217)
• Malaysia
17 Dec 06
hhhmmnn...what should we do with a cheating husband? Well if I ever found out that my husband cheated on me, he would never hear the end of it from me. I will never forgive him but I would definately give him a chance to repair the damage that he has done. I believe that because I love him so much I am willing to give him a chance. It is also that all marriages a full of challenges and have their ups and downs. We have also been through so much while building this family. So I definately say, give the adulterous man 1 chance to redeem himself.
@angnima (772)
• Nepal
17 Dec 06
This is a serious matter and it needs complete picture . The source of information is not clear. She must ask for help herself if needed. It is also not clear . You can help from your side and take help for somebody whom you can visit and meet.