Can you be TOO civil with your child's father?

United States
December 18, 2006 3:21pm CST
I just broke up with my son's father two months ago because he emotionally abused me while I was pregnant. I've always been a kind and conciderate person that doesn't too much like to argue with anyone. When I was kind and conciderate to him in our relationship he was rude and disrespectful to me.He is very immature and he feels like he only has to be a father on the weekends. After we broke up he finally made me angry to the point where I cussed him out and hurt his feelings. I found out then I got more respect from him so I started taking to him like that all the time. That stressed me out because I'm not a mean person and that was just too hard to stay mean all the time and we work together and I had to be professional so I started making small talk with him talking politly. It's ok now but I still feel that he's going to take advantage of my kindness and mistake it for weakness. I know internally I still have a lot of anger toward him but I'm not sure if I should stay polite or just give him the cold shoulder he gave me while we were dating.
1 person likes this
19 responses
• Indonesia
19 Dec 06
yess... you must start a new chapter in your life, i'll thimg you can find another person who can love you.
@isha900 (1459)
• India
19 Dec 06
yes it can be
• United States
19 Dec 06
wow, I have the same problem. Except my ex was physically abusive with me once and that ended our entire relationship. I didn't press charges because of our kids and much like you, I'm just not a mean person. I know my kids love their father..and he's a great daddy..I just couldn't bare to see him in jail. I've known and loved him since I was 17 (I'm 26 now), I just couldn't do it. anyway..now that we're seperated, I've been so nice to him.. it's weird. I THINK WE may still love our ex's and feel bad that it didn't work out.
• Philippines
19 Dec 06
i dont think i can be civil to a person who abused me. emotionally or physically. whatever. i would let him see our child anymore.
@Trace86 (5033)
• United States
19 Dec 06
You should continue to be polite for the sake of your child. But he is not your friend! Don't treat him like one. Be civil when you have too. Be yourself and live well with your baby, that is the best revenge. Pay no attention to him unless it has to do with the baby or work.
• Malaysia
19 Dec 06
i think just ignore to that stupid snob man. but don't forget to make sure he's gonna be respon. to yr baby..it's not fair to u.. try to start a new gud life then... :)
@micheller (1365)
• United States
19 Dec 06
You should just stay polite to him. Be the bigger person. Just let him feel that even if he is rude to you that it doesn't bother you. It really aggrevates people when they are rude to you and you just act like it doesn't bother you and be nice to them even though their being rude to you.
@pelya178 (694)
• United States
19 Dec 06
wow yeah sounds like he takes advantage and preys on u when u seem most weak. i say u dont have to be mean, just be assertive and stand ur ground. let him know he cant push u around. i think uv taken a big step in letting him know this by breaking up with him in the first place. good start now just stand ur ground n he take it seriously.
@bodomgirl (1618)
• Italy
19 Dec 06
yes
@rms2727 (815)
• India
19 Dec 06
i dont see where this all might land up, do how about getting rid of this guy. he looks like one selfish fellow and dont think he can be good to you or your son for long. so dont let him get into your sons life, and even yours. and dont have any regrets for being rude to him and pushing him out.
@The_Eagle_1 (1123)
• Australia
19 Dec 06
Life is really to short to waste on lost causes! The line between TOO civil and tolerant is a wide band and only the one that is in the band can draw the lines...so you might need to go to some programs targeted at overcoming the damage from the abuse! The problem with people's perception of getting help in this area is one of self-defence..."oh I don't need that!"...but if you had a lump you would go see about it...wouldn't you?? In taking part with other abused women you will gain strength and express the answers you already know!! Good luck!
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Well I've been there..the father of my two kids was a total pr!ck to me during and after my pregs with our two kids....very verbally and emotionally abusive, threatened to kidnap our son when I was preg with our daughter etc etc....Taking into consideration the fact that this is a new/newer split you are still wounded and still trying to find your groove....For now, definately just behave like his is just some guy (not easy by anymeans because there is history there and you have a child together)....as Vacant mentioned DONT down talk him to or in front of your little one AND DONT let him disrespect you to or in front of the little one either..you NEED to put your foot down with that...its non-negotiable and you make sure he damn well knows it!...In time you'll hopefully be able to be civil with each other and possibly friends...My ex and i became very close friends a few yrs after our split..it was rough getting to that point I had to learn to stand up to him then I realized that I could stand up to him wihtout being like him (mean)...for a few yrs before he passed away we became very close..he even came down and spent Xmas with the kids, myself and my husband at our house, stayed the night and we had a great time together all of us....it is possible, but for now you need to go through the motions on your way to regaining control of your life etc when it comes to having him in it (for the sake of the little one)...it takes time and reconstruction of your thought process etc if that makes sense but its doable...Right now i think you feel you need to be mean so to speak becuase thats basically what you learned from him and since you got the reaction from him that you did, plus you are hurt I'm sure...you dont have to be mean though, just firm and solid in what you say... osrry its early, hope that made at least a little sense ;-)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Honestly you shouldn't have to stoop to his level just to get some respect from him. He is the one that is in the wrong. Just come right out and plainly tell him that all you ever really wanted out of the relationship with you, him, and your child was a little bit of respect every once in a while. He couldn't be man enough to give you the respect that you needed so who's to say he wouldn't do it again. However, like it has already been said just be civil around your child, your child should not have to be put through what you went through. Just make a deal with him if you guys can not get along any other time then tell him that you guys need to get along while your child is around if you want to give him the cold shoulder any other time then go ahead. As long as the child does not have to suffer from his mistakes.
@anne_143god (5390)
• Philippines
19 Dec 06
Many men are like that and maybe you should continue to be polite because you always see him atwork and for you not to have dificulties with him at work place.
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
19 Dec 06
I do belive in beeing nice - but you should not be disrespected. I am a bit like you. i hate to be mean and at the end of the day - atleast i can say that I didnĀ“t do anything wrong.
• Malaysia
19 Dec 06
You are not being mean but you are doing what you are supposed to do. A man like him should not be treated kindly because he will take advantage of your kindness. People around you will respect you for your confidence towards the way you treat your ex. As long as you treat other people as the way they should be treated, it's okay. Don't worry.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Just stand your grounds. Don't let him think you will take any crap from him. Let it be known that you are a strong person and wont let people walk all over you. You don't have to be nice to him if he doesn't respect you. Give respect to people that respect you.
@isha900 (1459)
• India
19 Dec 06
yes
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
19 Dec 06
Just be civil for the sake of the child, theres not much else you can do. Don't bash him infront of your child...
@emarie (5451)
• United States
19 Dec 06
well, i think to be polite as long as he respects you, but once he crosses that line again, it should be alright to bring out the monster. but keep things profesional. while working. the things is, he IS the father of your child, so he has to have some contact with you, and it is better for your child seeing to see his parents acting respectful towards each other.