Fiance and I are having problems, what to do?

@amafrias (456)
United States
December 19, 2006 10:11pm CST
We have been together for 6 years since our daughter was born. We have always been in love with each other, but have a hard time communicating. Every time we have a argument he goes and stays with his family. He does not like for me to work, he likes for me to stay with our daughter, and he makes good money. Now, he's gone and I am here jobless. He brings me money, and I am looking, but this really sucks because I know after it's all said and done, he will be back, and we will have gone through all of these changes for nothing. I really don't want to give up, but what should we do?
8 people like this
65 responses
• Malaysia
20 Dec 06
I don't really understand your problem but if I am correct you are fighting with your fiance because he doesn't let you out to work. Yes, I understand how it feels to rely on someone else's money even though it's your spouse's money. You want to be independent. However, maybe you could find someone whom he respects. The someone must be a person that he trust. Ask that person to convey your feelings to your fiance and let him know what are your dreams in this relationship. I know this is hard to do than to say, but if you try who knows this may help. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@amafrias (456)
• United States
20 Dec 06
It's not that he won't let me work, he prefers I don't, so when he runs off at the slightest argument I am left here with no way to support myself. That is what scares me. I have decided to go back to school and get my CSR license, and just keep on going. If he really loves me he will come back and we can work it through. I think we need a mediator to help us get our feelings out to each other. Thanks..
• India
21 Dec 06
Don't get scared. Think about problem when time comes, unnecessarily don't take tension. And with whatever funds U have invest in Monthly income scheme paln So Ur earnings r there.
• United States
21 Dec 06
I believe if you both ant to work it out then you should sit down and talk things threw like adults instead of him running to his family.he needs to talk to you communication is everything when it comes to a relationship the two of you need to figure out what is best for your relationship.and whatever happens do not get the family involved families tend to make things worse.just talk to him and see if you to can work it out.if you guys love each other like you say you do you'll find a way to work this out together.
1 person likes this
@amafrias (456)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I know, him running to his family has caused me to feel ambivolent towards them. We have been talking tonight, and i think we are going to start back going to church, and get active again. My daughter needs it, we need it. We also need to talk with someone. I know I have contributed to our problems also, we just need to get our feelings out there without yelling them..Thanks so much
@leilani47 (780)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Hi! On another discussion topic, I mentioned that communication is KEY in any relationship. Why do you think he walks out on you everytime an argument comes up? When he comes back, what happens? Do you talk to him? Or do things just get swept under a rug, pretend that nothing happend, and go on with life? I'm wondering why he doesn't want you to find a job? It doesn't matter how much money he makes, my husband makes enough money to support our family, but I prefer to work for a sense of independence. I am secure in my marriage, but God forbid, something happened to my husband, I won't be lost! And I know that I would be able to take care of my children. Have you considered seeing a counselor? I wish you the best of luck.
1 person likes this
@amafrias (456)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I think he wants me to stay home as a security for him. He is afraid if I have independence from him that I won't put up with him anymore. I think he runs to his family to try and scare me into submissivness(sp?). I really think we need counceling. I think alot of our arguments are because I don't feel happy stayong at home, asking for money anytime I need it, never going anywhere, not having real friends. He and I both have issues, and we need to fix them or cut loose. I do love him dearly though. We talk everyday, just not about the important stuff. Oh and yes, we do push the problems under the rug. Kind of like going to sleep mad huh? Something my grandmother said never ever to do. I think talking here has helped me to see more clearly..thanks so much..
@MrsFrizzle (1964)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Honesty I have been there in a way. My husband and I went through some hard times learning to communicate with each other. I would recommend two things one marriage counsling. It works wonders also I would recommend you both read Men are from Mars women are from venus. I hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@amafrias (456)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I have thought of that book so many times...we are really very lovong to one another, he just runs away at the slightest thing. He always comes back, but I am tired of it, and it is not good for our daughter. She will eventually marry someone the same way I fear.I think I will return to school get my independence and go from there.If he wants to join me and grow with me fine.
@innechen (1321)
• Indonesia
20 Dec 06
communication - communication
communication is very important in a relationship.you got to talk to him about this.i'm sure he also want to make ur family back together again and healty,how if you suggest to go to a marriage counselor together.if u do love him then told him that, told him that u really want him back again and that u and him will try to work this out together for ur baby.good luck and i hope you both will become a happy loving family:)
1 person likes this
• India
21 Dec 06
Communicate with him on a regular basis. Once U communicate with him, another time ask him to communicate . this way U will be in touch and whatever misunderstandings they will disappear.
@JBD189 (346)
• India
20 Dec 06
Now that he's gone away; you have every right to demand money for the maintenance of your daughter and you, specially he was against you working.
1 person likes this
@mansha (6301)
• India
20 Dec 06
why he leaves you to go and stay with his family? Do they live nearby? Nexttime he does that I suggest you also go and live with your family for a while. WHat is the problem here his not allowing you to work or his leaving you every time. I think the second one is a major problemm, better address that issue first and tell him you don't like his runing away each time you have an argument.
1 person likes this
• Indonesia
20 Dec 06
I think both of you must have a good communication. yopu must know what he really wants, and he must know what truly what you really wants. And both of you really loving each other. Must be there some way out of this problem. Some kind of win and win solution. Don't forget to rebuild again your commitment and your love:) Good luck
1 person likes this
@kulpreet1 (116)
• India
20 Dec 06
Dont get frutstrated . Why dont you start doing a job? I suggest you should not fully depend upon him financially
1 person likes this
@rituja (217)
• India
20 Dec 06
I know you are going through a tough time.I must tell you that this is the time to give to your daughter. He is caring and earning well so better give time to your daughter. Lately, you can start working from home. Good luck,remeber we have to pay cost for everything.If you pay this today you will get many benefits in return.As you know...
1 person likes this
@milagre (1272)
• Portugal
20 Dec 06
Seems that he likes to control everything around him and when something doesnt suit him he runs away, its not very mature from him. If you can, being or not with him, try to find your support at least you wont be so worry about his runnings to his family, you will have a option and a stornger word to say.
1 person likes this
@funlola (26)
• Nigeria
20 Dec 06
the first thing u need to ask urself;why are we together?do we really luv each other and are we compactible?be sincere to ur self dont think cause u have a child 4 him u have to stay with him and suffer.are u married to him legally?then if ur answer is yes i think u should try and solve ur differences.communication is one of the things that make a relationship work.go gack to him geg him and both of u should have a heart to heart talk.then if u are back together try to be submissive,respcet him when ever u have an argument dont raise ur voice at him tell him u are sorry even if u are right.then talk about d issue after he has calmed down,like that u can solve ur differnces.putfire back in ur lives do does thing u both luv doing and just generally have fun.above all seek the face of God in all u do.God be with u.
1 person likes this
@lucsct (261)
• United States
20 Dec 06
This is why I feel like people should never depend on someone else for everything. I would suggest to keep looking for a job. He shouldn't have the right to tell you not to work.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Dec 06
i think you should talk to him. tell him what you feel. men also llikes their women to swoon them sometimes. tell him you love him and you dont want to have fights with him.
• Philippines
20 Dec 06
for sometimes, you should also consider the demand of your husband because am sure that he's trying also his best to make your relationship strong that's why he wanted you to resign in your work so that you could give much time to take good care of your baby. after he get back to your house, talk to him and resolve the problem so that you both aware what should be done. if and only if i would get marry someone and let me choose if i continue working or just be a full-time wife, i will choose to be a mom of my baby and a fulltime housewife so i could take good care of them, and through that, our relationship would maintain.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
20 Dec 06
My first question is, why are you together? Do you really love him & he really loves you? Or is your daughter the reason? As for me, if both of you love each others, discussions are really the key of any problem. If you keep it to yourselves, no problem will be solved. For example: He asked you not to work. But if you still want to work, then discuss properly with him. Normally, a man always want to let their woman to rest at home with the kids & doesn't want to put burden on their love one. For me, it's okey for you to go & meet him at his parent's place and discuss about any problem. "DISCUSSION IS THE KEY".
1 person likes this
• India
20 Dec 06
i feel he makes sense.... u can atleast take a break till ur daugther grows up enough to take care of herself. tht s s a good parenting. cant blame ur fiance.
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2947)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Well, what type of things are you arguing about? I always ask myself...Is (what your are about to argue about) this going to matter tomorrow, next week, next year? And if my answer is no, then I just keep my mouth shut because there isn't really any point in bringing it up then. If it is something that is a big deal and will matter in the future than I'm as straight forward as I can be... and I just say...If this is the way you want to live your life, that's fine, but I am not going to be able to do it with you. Don't put up with no b.s. and don't dish out no b.s.!! I used to argue and argue and argue with my ex's till I would make myself crazy...It wasn't worth it. It was horrible for the children to see, and if I had it to do all over again, I would of left wayyyyy earlier in the relationship. INSANITY IS...DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT!!! That little "message" right there saved my life! I hope it does something for you too! Good luck!
@amafrias (456)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Our arguments are usually pointless and hurtful. We are never really arguing about what we are arguing about. We have been trying to concieve for about 6 years now, since our last child and it's a no go. I think that is a lot of it.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Dec 06
I'm so sorry to hear that! I wish you the best of luck! I really hope you can work through everything for the sake of your daughter. Hang in there! Happy Holidays!
@soldenski (2504)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Would you really want to have another child, with someone who leave's a the first sign of a problem? I would not. I would take this time to figure out if I really want him back, and later he could leave again. I'm worth more then that, I deserve and require more then that. That's how I feel.
@Metallion (2229)
• United States
21 Dec 06
If you have been together 6 years since your daughter was born and haven't gotten married yet, I'd say he never intends to marry you so you should move on and become self supportive because you can't count on him.
• India
21 Dec 06
No convince him to marry you. By the way you are from which country
@amafrias (456)
• United States
21 Dec 06
It has been my choice not to marry, he has asked many, many times. Maybe that is why he runs away. I have always been scared to marry him because of past experiences.
• China
20 Dec 06
I think maybe u should give up just for ur child. Since ur husband is able to make good money, u r not necessary to work for living. It's good opportunity for u to be a good mom, spending more time with ur child. It's just like what showed in a famous TV show Growing Pains. Maggie gave up her job for raising children, and when children grew up, she went back to her job. I think that's the best solution.
@amafrias (456)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I would be happy to stay home if he didn't leave everytime something went wrong. I don't feel secure like that. I don't want to live worried every day. Our arguments are not about me working. We just argue about stupid stuff.