abusive relationships

United States
December 21, 2006 1:58pm CST
I was with a guy for five years and we had a daughter together.he was alright until i got pregnant with our daughter then he starting being controlling and denying the baby.well after my daughter was born he became very jealous of her and abusive towards her and me he would get mad at her and shake her,scream and yell at her,threaten to choke her,kill her,and he would trow her on the couch where she would almost bounce off everytime he was around her she would constantly scream he never did anything for her or help me suport her i could not take it anymore so i went and got a protective order agains him for us.i was looking out for my daughter.now i am married to a good man who treats her right and has been in her life since she was four months old she is 2.5 years old now he is planning on adopting her she knows my husband as her dad.he is good to her he has done alot for her he has raised her and thought of her as his own.my thing is if you were in this situation would you ever let the bio dad near her again?i dont think i should he has never bothered with her and i believe he would do something to hurt her or even worse i do not believe in keeping a child from its natural father but in this case i think it is for the best.her bio dad is 31 and has 13 kids he has nothing to do with everytime he gets someone pregnant he takes off and writes them off.so i believe in this case she does not need him in her life she has a dad who loves her,cares about her,and who has been there for her in my book that is what a real dad is not this man that helped make her.what is your opion on this situation?
7 people like this
54 responses
@emeraldisle (13145)
• United States
21 Dec 06
You were right to leave him and to keep your daughter from him. He's dangerous. If he'd do that to a tiny baby you have to wonder what else he might do. No, you are right to keep him as far from her as possible. When she's old enough and you want to tell her about him do so. If she decides as an adult to find him that is her choice. From the sound of it I don't think you'll have him coming to find her. The man is egotistical and very immature at best. To father that many childern and not care for them is horrendous on his part but I think the kids are better off then having him in their lives.
@angelicEmu (1311)
21 Dec 06
I would say no. I doubt he'd want to see her, from what you've said, so that shouldn't be a problem. And if he does change as he gets older (people do sometimes), and ends up as a decent person who wants contact with your daughter, then it'll be a matter for you and your family to consider at the time. I think you're right, that her stability and wellbeing are the most important consideration, and the fact that her adoptive father is a real father to her is something she'll feel and benefit from. I do think that when she's old enough to understand, (but not so old she'll feel betrayed by having been kept in the dark) it'll be best if you both tell her that her dad isn't her biological father, but that he's still her real dad. If you do that before she reaches her teens, then it'll probably be less of an issue, but I don't think that keeping it a secret would be a good thing to do - it shouldn't be an issue if you both explain it to her sensitively and lovingly, making sure she knows that it doesn't change anything. All the best, and I'm glad everything's worked out for you.
3 people like this
@mansha (6301)
• India
22 Dec 06
I think she is right tell her before she reaches her teens about her bio father. Being honest is the best way. You willreally have to handle this issue really carefully. SInce bo father is not in the picture at all youcan even ask him to give up his parental rights altogether. A dad is one who is therefor you when you need and loves you and guide you not the one who provides a bit of sperm and runs away. SHe will I am sure grow up to love the father she has in her life not some strange man she meets some day.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Dec 06
Your right leaving him, there is no way that he should have touched your daughter and did any of those things. If she wants to know who her bio dad is then you should tell her but I think that your new husband is going to do just fine.
3 people like this
@acosjo (1904)
• Canada
21 Dec 06
Very good you are not with that loser anymore. Some people you really don't know why or what they are thinking. To be like that to a little baby. I'll take anyone's head off if they did that to my kids. Good she has a dad in her life now. You did the right thing for her. Lucky to have a caring mother!
3 people like this
• India
22 Dec 06
Hi Its more than 2 years since you haven't met that guy. And you are happy. I would say forget that man. Don't let the man come near your daughter who didn't bother to care about you and your daughter. Just tell him that he is longer relevent to your family. That man might have transformed and now he is a good man, he might look after his daughter very well, but fact is he doen't deserve that. And it will be just too much for your daughter to understand the situation, it may affect her mentally. May be when its right time you can tell your daughter about these things but certainly this is not the right time to discuss anything with the little kid. Just say no to him.
• United States
29 Dec 06
no he has not changed he has 13 kids and does not acknowledge them since my kid he has gotten 5 girls pregnant one was my friend he just thinks kids are another notch on his belt he will never change
@shemb1 (465)
• Sri Lanka
22 Dec 06
I am your side and If I were in like same situation I never ever take to my house. Because first of all we have to know he is in some kind of mental problem, thats why he acted like that. So for this like you and bit elder peopele can handle him, but soem times I bet you cant handle him too. So I know is this possible to handle your kid of this............................. NOOOOO. not at all. So best thing is stay away from him.And forget your past also. Because those things not important things I belive. And protect your child from him.
@bayboy (989)
• United States
22 Dec 06
Damn that's domestic violence right there.. I don't think that's right!.. if a man can't respect you and as well respect the baby that you have, then he doesnt have any right to be with you nor anywhere near the baby, you know what i mean? I think that's just downright wrong.. he should be locked up for that!.. that protective order doesnt do any justice.... well in my opinion though, if ever after a few 5 or 10 years and he is a totally changed man, then i might give him a chance to meet his daugther.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
22 Dec 06
My Opinion is the same as yours but at the sound of things he won't bother you with wanting to see her having 13 Kids and not bothering with any of them Of course if he does want to see her you will have a Problem on your Hands with the Laws so you need to make sure you have all the evidence behind you and I really hope that will never happen actually I don't think it will he has no interrest You are right to protect your Child from him
2 people like this
• Saint Lucia
22 Dec 06
what you did was the right thing. i want to compliment you on that because you always thought of what's best for your daughter and i really admire this. keep faith and hold on strong. forget what happened in the past and start to focus on what's happening now. live your lives to the fullest.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Dec 06
I think you made a very wise decision in getting out before it was too late, because many women stay, and end up paying with their life, or worse their child's life. You have a great man and fatherfigure in her life now, and that's what matters. I believe you should let him raise her, and when she's an adult, it will be her own choice if she wants her bio dad back in her life. When she's older she can understand better the choices you made for her and why you made them. It's good that she will see the way a man should treat a woman and his kids. It's bad when children are raised in abusive homes, and then they continue with the cycle, usually by becoming a victim to someone else's abuse. You made the best choice for her and yourself.
• United States
22 Dec 06
If he doesnt care about being the dad then I wouldnt push it. I dont think getting child support would even be worth the trouble. Sad for the little girl... but it would be best for her in the long run. You're doing the right thing.
2 people like this
@bryelee (452)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I wouldn't let the bio dad near her again, geeze, if he was that abusive and almost killed her, throwing her around I would never let him see her again. I see on the news all the tiem abusive parents killing the kids and you wonder why the mom would let the man near the child.
2 people like this
@birthlady (5613)
• United States
22 Dec 06
In order for your husband to legally adopt your daughter, her bio dad will have to relinquish (sign off) paternal rights and responsibilites. This can be done by default if her doesn't see her. In my book, her dad is the man who raises her. Then, keep your ex out of your daughter's life, he has not rights.
@tammytwo (4303)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I would not want him near my child. I feel you are doing the right thing.
1 person likes this
@xiaoxian (110)
• Singapore
22 Dec 06
I think what u have done is right, because u got your daughter away from that guy... How can a father be jealous of his own daughter? well, I just hope that you and your daughter will live in bliss in future...:)
1 person likes this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
22 Dec 06
You did the right thing! My daughter's bio dad I think now has four kids (far as I know!) and only has one with him. Two are in foster care, one is with me. He never sees my daughter. She doesn't know who he is. Im with someone who has been there for her since she was about a year old, and if I could, i'd ask him to adopt her. Good on you for doing what you did!
1 person likes this
@gknott (936)
• United States
22 Dec 06
oh my gosh, did you know he had all these kids when you met him?? that was a warning sign to stay away. I do agree she should probably never see him until she is an adult and can make that choice herself.. I am so thankful you found someone who loves you and her and takes care of you. Thank God for that and pray he stays away.
1 person likes this
@coferbox (298)
• United States
22 Dec 06
No you should never let her bio dad near her again. He abuses her. Why would you even consider it? You are her mother and it is your job to protect her from anyone and everyone that might hurt her - including that loser. He is not her father. All he did was get you pregnant - there is much more to being a father than getting a girl pregnant. Stay away from that loser.
1 person likes this
@krizz420 (4388)
• Canada
22 Dec 06
I watched my mom go throught the samething with guys my whole life. Dont get me wrong my mom is a great woman but attracted all the wrong guys. She went through this for years until finally she said it was enough and have been living all alone since then. 2 years ago shortly after moving away, the new guy she was seeing beat her up badly. This guy did stuff to her that killers do to their victims before they kill them. Shes still recovering. My girlfriend went through some really bad stuff before we met to. Her husband of 10 years molested our step daughter and had been doing it for years. This family was shot when I moved in but Ive been here for 3 years and they feel like my own kids. All I can say about your situation is becareful and always keep open eyes for things that might b a problem in the future. Im glad to hear you got away from the last guy and found 1 that knows how to treat you and your kids. Good luck
1 person likes this
@shooie (4986)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I will have to agree with you he doesn't need to be in her life. He was in for short time and abused her and you had to take action. He has other kids he can visit. Keep the information like his name and birthdate so if in time when she gets older she wants to find him. Most cases would say yes dad has a right but to me if the man was or the woman even because it's not just men they have no rights.
1 person likes this