Relationship Semantics

@kavita23 (2996)
India
December 22, 2006 7:20am CST
Ok, im asking this question just because I need an unbiased opinion on something. My girl and I fight a lot and much of the time it's a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Regardless of our problems, and regardless of hurt feelings (I care about her, so im not dismissing her feelings, just trying to get an opinion unrelated to emotion) If I said "go to hell" she heard that as literally "drop dead" or "i wish you were dead" or "i wish you harm physically" Does her interpretation seem reasonable? Ok, im a guy... just looking for an opinion maybe from some women. I know it was mean... I know it wasn't nice... Why would I ask this question? Well, we fight about semantics like this all of the time. Take for granted, please, that its not important what the cause/result of our fight is, I just want an opinion as to if it makes any sense whatsoever to understand "go to hell" literally as "drop dead" (like "i wish you were dead"). BTW, we're both from the US if that makes a cultural difference
2 people like this
27 responses
@lauriefnp (5113)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I can understand your frustration in this relationship, because you and your girlfriend obviously have differences in how you communicate. You may not mean anything malicious or hurtful when you make a comment, whatever it is- that's just the way you are. If someone said "go to hell" to you, it may not have an impact or any meaning to you. But you have to understand that some people take things more seriously and literally than others, and your girlfriend seems to be one of them. Neither one of you is right or wrong. I suspect that she might tend to read a lot into conversations and maybe she is someone who analyzes everything that is said. If that is so, and you are the opposite, then you may have a real problem due to different personalities and communication styles. The fact that you fight often is a sign of that, I would think. Personally, I would resent my boyfriend telling me to "go to hell", no matter how I interpreted it. That is a condescending remark, and it would give me the impression that my opinions were not important to you and that I was being dismissed. Try talking and communicating with her about this, in a mature and respectful manner.
@rmuxagirl (7570)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I agree. Under no circumstances is it alright for my b/f to tell me to "go to hell." I would be upset and may not talk to him for a while. It's disrespectful to me to say that and like Laurie said, it's very condescending and I would feel like I was being dismissed. Which is probably how your girlfriend is feeling. No matter how she took it still gives off the impression that you're not important to the person who said it. It is hard to work through communication problems, I'm going through somewhat the same thing with mine man.
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
22 Dec 06
Your girlfriend might be more sensible than others, and those words hurt her more than they would another person. Before saying those words, try talking. Yelling or calling each other names will never work out, even thought the fights resolve, they will always come back. Me and my husband have never had a serious fight since we are together (4 1/2 yrs)because we communicate well. We don't scream at each other or call each other names. When i see he gets too agitaded and that fight might emerge if i answer back, i wait a bit, let him cool off, and then talk about it. I must admit, i have a very smooth temper and a lot of my friends ask how the hell i do it to remain calm and not fight. I don't really know, maybe because my parents always used to fight (scream, call each other names) and ended up divorcing, so i tell myself by avoiding the fights we will be safe? I don't know, but one thing's for sure, talking will always be better than saying mean things and yelling. At least, if you let her cool off, when you talk to her about it after, you'll have time to think about what you'll tell her, and not scream things you didn't mean. Good luck!
• United States
22 Dec 06
I totally agree!!
@yogesh66 (1118)
• India
22 Dec 06
if one were to look at history ,there are so many referense to "hell on earth"......of course we can list a zillion oppressions(religiously, politically, etc.) and may work focus on this "living through hell" so, when i say "go to hell", can i not be saying "stay here" or even better," stay here because i want to buy you something pretty"?
• Indonesia
23 Dec 06
Good Posting and nice jobs
@kavita23 (2996)
• India
23 Dec 06
that is not my response.
• Pakistan
23 Dec 06
yeah
@loveboy (671)
• India
23 Dec 06
OK I LIKE YOU
• Albania
23 Dec 06
Kavita send me your and your girl date of birth, i will do a composite indian astrology matching and advice you of the areas you can improve in your relationship. So far, u knew it might be miscommunication or misinterpretation
@atticus (1381)
• Italy
23 Dec 06
well i also agree but i'm not able to explain what i think
@padhukr (2267)
• India
23 Dec 06
no idea.
@harivinod (783)
• India
23 Dec 06
oh.. friend i think if u really love her and she the same then sit together and compramise
@sharksfin (1098)
• Philippines
23 Dec 06
From a girl's point of view, yes. Words say a lot. It causes misunderstanding especially if you don't know each other so well, yet. Yes, you may not mean it like literally but you cannot expect her to understand that. Girls say what they feel...literally. I think you need to discuss things with her. I think you need to talk things out with her. Girls desire to be treated gently. Like a vulnerable treasure. So, I suggest that you try to be more gentle with words when talking to her. Let's see if it's going to change anything.
@vanities (11351)
• Davao, Philippines
23 Dec 06
when you mean go to hell...in my opinion or understanding it means you go to satans den..
@umavarma1 (929)
• India
23 Dec 06
hey this is the same situation even i face sometimes with my guy.in anger we exchange words tht hurt each other but again after sometime one sorry will make large diifferrence.u believe me girls love to hear sorry from her love.u go n say sorry she will forget the rest.all the best
@stubborn (44)
• United States
23 Dec 06
"go to hell" is not something you say to a girl when you intend to continue the relationship with her. i've said worse in my day, but the repair time is not worth the time it took to let what i said spill out of my mouth! better to stop, take a second, to think about what you really mean and say that. if go to hell, really translates to "leave me alone a minute to decide how i feel about this." then try to take the time to say that. it's difficult to do in the heat of the moment, but the rewards can be tremendous!
• United States
23 Dec 06
If a man I was seeing told me to go to hell, I'd kick his butt to the curb. Good luck with your relationship!
• United States
23 Dec 06
well a lot of women would take go to hell the way your girl does.maybe you should try and use different words that are not so mean and offensive.im my opion you should never tell anyone to go to hell it does not matter what the reason is.because in my experience making comments like that tend to make things alot of worse and alot of hurt feelings.
• United States
23 Dec 06
I think a lot of women would respond the way your girlfriend did. Of course I can't speak for all women, but in general women feel that some things are never said to a loved one in a fight. NO matter how mad you get. And usually they wont say these things unless they are very unhappy in the relationship. (This can be used as a guideline as to how happy your partner is.) One of the never-to-say things is any word or phrase that dismisses her feelings, opinions, or value to you. "Go to Hell" says you don't matter to me, so it's not just go away for a minute, it's - leave and suffer while you are gone. That says to her that you do not value her as a person. Does that make sense to you?
@Serjas (2328)
• India
22 Dec 06
mmm......i c
@blueman (16516)
• India
22 Dec 06
never spoke to my girl friend like that though, but i do think it is upon your personality how you speak, if the other person is taking it a wrong way i would prefer not to use the word, or use someother word. but i do agree that in a relationship it happens sometimes and both should undestand each other.
• United States
22 Dec 06
Well I know I would be angry if my husband told me to go to hell. But hurtful things do get said. And sometimes there real hard to take back. I think a very expensive dinner would be nice. :)
@openedone (240)
• France
22 Dec 06
you have to find solution