Living with someone before marriage...

United States
December 22, 2006 10:33am CST
How have feelings changed towards living with someone before marriage? Growing up, I thought it was wrong. Now, I see things differently. Over time, I realized people did not get divorced because when things went wrong, the two people in the marriage just dealt with the situation and kept the marriage going. I have seen many miserable marriages due to lies, incompatibility, cheating, abuse, and other unacceptable acts. Now, I believe it wise to live together before marriage. What happens if you marry someone and find there are habits or lifestyle choices you did not know about? What if these are things you can not deal with? Does living together prior to marriage cause more divorce? I don't believe it does. I just believe people have become less tolerant of staying in unhealthy situations. Eighty years ago, a man cheating on his wife was acceptable and the woman turned a blind eye. Today, that woman can turn a blind eye, or turn into the nearest attorney's office amd rid herself of the cheater. (This is not to imply on men cheat. Women do, but history has shown severe punishment to women who do so..) Do you think people have begun to take marriage less seriously? Are people more secure in doing what makes them happy? Is this good? Should people keep the marriage going if one or both partners is unhappy?
9 people like this
75 responses
@josan181237 (1205)
• Philippines
22 Dec 06
i still think marriage comes first. but you should know your partner well enough to marry him.
1 person likes this
• India
23 Dec 06
yeah....i am agree with your view,both should know each other and both should respect each other sentiments, wants ,and life style.
@cutieissa (413)
• Philippines
23 Dec 06
this is a very good discussion. like you, i was against with living in before marriage but now, at the fast rate at which marriages crumble, im beginning to think that perhaps if these divorcing couples have lived-in first, they would have discovered basic flaws which will lead to their breakup before marrying. thus saving the need to have a divorce. here in our country, living in is still frowned upon and they dont allow divorces. im almost afraid to marry..
@susanscs (268)
• Spain
23 Dec 06
Most people will test drive a car before making the commitment. I think it is this way with marriage nowadays. Try before you buy so to speak. There is nothing wrong with it. Too many people go straight into a marriage not knowing enough about the other person.
1 person likes this
• India
23 Dec 06
Nice discussion, thank you for putting up this discussion. First wishing you a merry christmas and a happy new year. In my opinion ppl who are supposed to get married should live together before marriage so as to understand his/her partner. In earlier days our culture didn't permit the ppl to even meet before marriage, only after the marriage the bride and the bridegroom were allowed to talk and all. Now if the person can come to know about his/her partner well beforehand this would avoid complications in their married life and they will be able to know each other perfectly and this would lead to a happy and prosperous married life.I think the parents of both the parties should allow andthis will make both the people secure and happy and even can keep their marriage life going.
1 person likes this
@kawillow74 (1417)
• United States
23 Dec 06
We lived together 2 years before we got married,if anything it helps get to know the erson better and there life styles. i would not do anything different we have been married 12 years. there are alway up and downs in a marriage but i think they can almost alway be fixed if both are willing to try.
1 person likes this
@worthy (2413)
• India
23 Dec 06
Idon't think people have started taking marriage much less seriously.I also don't think that people should continue living together in an unhealthy relationship just for the sake of social acceptance or to avoid social stigma or ridicule.I feel that now people are making decisions based on their own requirements and happiness than for the sake of society and the members involved,ie spouse as well as children
@djshocker (402)
• United States
23 Dec 06
My fiance has lived with me for about 8 months now. We have our arguments and stuff but we always manage to get through them. She cheated on me once, and seperated for about a month, but we managed to get through that as well and we seem so much closer. I don't think living together before marriage is a problem because I think it seems to test how things are going to be before you do get married. Does anyone agree?
1 person likes this
@vanities (11343)
• Davao, Philippines
23 Dec 06
it depends really if your unhappy about the situation and yet still loves your partner why not make it a go still..or just try to iron it out..if no love ? then why still live together?? people take marriage seriously but it so happens that they dont sacrifice a bit..and just want an easy way out i think..
1 person likes this
@jess1874 (1021)
• United States
23 Dec 06
hm well i think its ok to live with someone before getting married because that way you can see what the person is like before you get married... i've never lived with anyone but my fiance used to stay at my place while he was home on leave
1 person likes this
@luolei (166)
23 Dec 06
i think there is now problem
1 person likes this
@luolei (166)
23 Dec 06
i think you are right
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Dec 06
I lived with my husband before we got married and it worked fine.I liked knowing what it was like to pay bills together and what our fights about money would be like. Because that is the thing we argue over the most.I like that I did that but studies are showing if you live together first you are more likly to get a divorce. Here's a website that will explain it better http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio.html. Hope I helped!!
@emisle (3824)
• Ireland
22 Dec 06
I would definitely have to live with someone before marrying them to see if it worked. I think many people these days are getting married too quickly, and i think that if 2 people are unhappy in a marraige they should go their seperate ways, it should make them happier in the long run..:)
1 person likes this
@naya622 (10)
• United States
22 Dec 06
You have to know if you can live with someone before you make such a huge committment. Live together first.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8523)
• Sweden
22 Dec 06
I´ve never felt that living together before marriage is wrong, I have seen it as a good thing to really get to know the person before you decide to marry him adn stay forever wich marriage is supposed to be (even though it always isn´t) I belive that people get married to easy today just because it is so easxy to get divorced - I do not know how many times I´ve heard "- Well if it doesn´t work out, there´s always divorce" I do not think that this attitude is the right one to take into a marriage. I will not get married until I know - or atleast think i know that I have found the person I wanna grow old with, until then I keeo growing old with my bf who I live with and whom i love a whole lot =)
1 person likes this
• India
22 Dec 06
i agree to the thinking that u shud be given a chance to live with the person u r going to marry....or rather u should take n intiative to demand this situation..it will really lead o a peacefull n harmonious life..
@Mickie30 (2633)
22 Dec 06
I think marriage is often put off because people chose to live together rather than getting married first. I think its important to know someone first, but the real trust has gone out of marriage and the vows are not taken as seriously. If you marry someone then find their habits are annoying you need to work at it you will have habits also. The work has been taken out of marriage because its made more easy today to get a divorce.
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I think what we are seeing is the return of how humans are actually meant to live. Being married to the same person for the rest of your adult life assumed that you life span was alot shorter than it is now. Marriage is a religious term with rules and expectations set down by religion. As religion exerts less force on people, they behave pretty much as humans were meant to, when it comes to long term relationships. The laws will change, albeit slowly, to reflect that change. Many Women stayed in unhappy marriages because they would be unable to work to support themselves. The prospect of living with an abusive or untruthful spouse was not enough for them to risk living in the gutter for the rest of their lives. The advent of "no fault divorce" has made it easier to leave a marriage because you don't have to show and then prove your reasons to divorce.
@jen20619 (1302)
• Ireland
22 Dec 06
a great discussion .most interesting keep up the good work and may i wish u a merry christmas and a happy new year.all the best for 2006.jen greene
1 person likes this
• Australia
23 Dec 06
merry christmas!
@James72 (26832)
• Australia
23 Dec 06
In western society I believe it is not just socially acceptable but expected that two people will live together at some time or another before marriage. How can you possibly know the true person if you have not been with them in all situations and at all times of the day and night? But from a different viewpoint, I am currently in India on an employment visa and living together before marriage is an absolute no no. And many marriages are "arranged" by the families. There is an engagement period where the two people are given the chance to get to know each other better but they most certainly do not live together or even spend the night at each others homes. Not until they are married! Funnily enough, the divorce rate is considerably lower in India than a lot of western countries.... Go figure! Marriage receives a lot more respect in India than Australia, the US or the UK that's for sure. And as for keeping an unhappy marriage going? No, if both are not committed to making it work and giving it their all, then they should part ways. Mariage takes effort. I have failed once already but I have not given up on it! And most importantly, couple should never stay together when they are unhappy purely for the "sake of the children". From experience it does more harm than good.
• United States
23 Dec 06
India is still arranging marriages. I have always seen arranged marriages as business contracts. I am a firm believer that forcing two people to love each other leads to silent tolerance. Only the individual can decide whom to love and I can only imagine the resentment I would feel if I had been forced to marry someone I didn't even know. Even if I had fallen in love eventually, I would be angry for being forced to take vows with a stranger.
• India
23 Dec 06
is there limit for happness. when u are alone but where is security for u? some one who is with u for ever with some relationship that is marriage is needed.
• India
23 Dec 06
but it is not neccessary that that marriage will be stable one.....your comment is true in case of when marriage is stable one then you will have security.......