December 24, 2006 8:08am CST
A couple of years ago, I cheated on my spouse. I know that you are going to think that I am a bad person, but I don't regret it. If given the opportunity, I would probably do it again. The romance is out of my marriage, and the time I cheated, was very special to me. I am curious if I am the only one to have felt this way. Please let me know if I am alone on this.
27 Dec 06
Hey safetyguru, I'm not about to tell you you're a bad person because, naturally, I don't know your situation. I mean, I don't condone cheating -- if my spouse cheated, I'm pretty sure I know EXACTLY where his rear end would be ;) A few things you've said make me want to pursue this and ask you some questions, if you're willing to answer? You say the romance is out of your marriage. That's one place to start. How long have you been together? Were you originally a romantic couple? I mean, most relationships have that amazing, whirlwind, "can't exist without you" phase but it naturally calms down over time. Have you tried to be romantic towards your spouse and been pushed away? What do you and your spouse consider romantic? Also, you say that you have to provide a stable life for your children. I agree that the children have to be prioritized but, coming from someone who got divorced after an 18 year relationship and has since remarried, children can't be truly happy in a home with adults who are unhappy. While divorce is never desirable, it is sometimes flat out necessary. However, you don't seem ready to jump at this as a solution so I'm wondering how committed you feel to trying to salvage your marriage. What kind of steps have you taken towards improving the home situation? I'm fascinated by relationship discussions so I hope you'll have time to do a little back and forth on the questions :D
28 Dec 06
Hey thinkingoutloud, Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. It's great to know that there is someone that is willing to discuss this in a rationalized manner. My spouse and I have been together, lets say, for a while. It was not always this way. I mean, there are times when everything is great and things are going well. But, the bad outweighs the good. I see some favoritism from her towards the kids and when I point it out, I am an A$%HO#@. Of course I don't make myself out to be the 'perfect' man. From what I have heard, this person does not even exist!:) I do get pushed away very often and I have stopped even trying because I do not like rejection too well especially when it comes from my own wife. I want to try to make things work, I am not sure if I'm doing the right things, but it seems everything I try, doesn't seem to be working. I appreciate the help. Do you know if there is a way to retreive "best response"? Because, you definately deserve it!!
28 Dec 06
Hey! :) Don't apologize ... I come to myLot because I love online communities and look for interesting discussions where I can participate and maybe have something to contribute. I'm certainly in no rush. Plus, I realize that I asked you a LOT of questions in one response LOL Sorry if that's a bit overwhelming. I just like to get the ball rolling to see where it can go. One big red flag went up right away when I read your reply, safetyguru. About the kids. My ex and I had a great marriage, don't get me wrong. We dated for six years before we married and stayed together for 12 years, having two children in that time. One of our biggest problems is that we became PARENTS and forgot to be a COUPLE. Everything that we did was for our children and not for each other. I mean, I tried hard but he was really a devoted dad. At Christmas, he decided that we didn't "need" to buy each other anything because everything should be for the kids. I couldn't do that and I used to buy him some gifts anyway. So, Christmas mornings, I sat and watched the three of them open presents and have fun and there was never anything for me. HOWEVER -- that was my fault, more or less, because I didn't follow his "no gifts" rule, you know? I just kept falsely hoping that he was going to show some small expression of caring towards me anyway. My point, though, is that many couples seem to have trouble after children come along, for a whole lot of reasons. I hear and read that many women say that they have no desire for intimacy with their husbands, after kids, because they are too tired running around after them all day, cleaning up after them, disciplining them etc. Is this a problem with you guys? I don't really relate to this issue but I understand that it's really prevalent. I don't think the perfect husband or wife exists either ;) But we try. I think the problem arises when one of the partners (or both!) don't talk about what upsets them. Does your wife ever actually TELL you why she thinks you're an "A$%HO#@" or is there just that statement and that's the end of it? Does she want or need things from you that you aren't giving her? Don't think I'm putting all the blame on you... not trying to do that... but it seems that she's got some anger there so there has to be reasoning behind it. No one likes rejection, by the way. Something I also experienced with my ex. It hurt so much to keep trying and to be pushed away at every attempt. He made some downright NASTY accusations when I tried to do things that I thought he would enjoy or that would "spice things up" and make him happy. Instead of seeing that as a positive effort on my part, he accused me of doing those things for "someone else". In my case, there never was a "someone else"... ever... until we were divorced. So his accusations cut to the core. Something I forgot to ask in my first reply... does your wife know that you cheated on her? I fully realize that she might and may have chosen to accept it or to at least try to move on. That, in itself, is more than difficult. Then again, maybe she doesn't know or maybe she has suspicions that are affecting your relationship now? I'm willing to pursue the discussion here as long as you are :) Feel free to reply or not, as you feel comfortable.
24 Dec 06
I've also heard cases like that. They also don't regret about cheating. I think you are doing that becasue it cause happiness to you, but remember that you are already married and you give your wife a promise that you will always be there whatever happens. That is a life long commitment. If you are still doing that you are just doing it for your satisfaction that you can get. But keep in mind that you are being selfish because you are just thinking for your own happiness without thinking about your wife.
• South Africa
27 Dec 06
try to speak to her about your relationship and try to change things around so that the romance is back with her. if you can't, then find an agreement about the children and divorce her but in someway stay friends. The children are also concerned and continuing like this would end up you being kicked out and losing your children and them being hurt. Find a solution before this happens.