Could you forgive a family member for writing you a bad check?

Canada
December 25, 2006 7:27pm CST
When my husband and I got married about three years ago, one of his family members came to the wedding. This person said that she was getting her paycheck deposited the same day as she had to leave to travel to the wedding, so she couldn't get to the bank to get any cash. She asked if I would cash a personal check for her when she arrived at the hotel. I agreed to do it because she was about to become a member of my family. Well, guess what? The check bounced and I was suddenly missing over $700 plus the fee for having cashed the bad check. I asked her to pay me back and then my husband told her to pay me back. At first, she kept promising that she would. Well, here we are three years later and I never got my money. Instead of paying me back, she just starting ignoring my husband. She stopped emailing him and calling him on the phone and she changed her cell phone number many times to avoid him. Then, she declared bankruptcy and said she would put the debt into that so I would get paid. I never did. They used to be close before this situation so, of course, I feel guilty. My husband says that I shouldn't feel bad for something that she did wrong to me. He is embarrassed that his family member treated me that way, especially when it was our wedding. I still feel that she should have paid me back. I was paying for the wedding and I just didn't have $700 to throw away. I don't feel that I can ever get close to her now and the thought of having to visit the family and see her is more than I want to deal with. What would you have done?
5 people like this
67 responses
• United States
26 Dec 06
Wow that is a tough one. I would get ahold of her and tell her that she has to start making payments on that. You were being nice so it is not your fault for whatever happened. Write letters, leave messages, etc... Or else tell her you will take her to court. She is obviously ignoring you already so might as well take her to court. She knows it is her fault. But give her a few last chances. It won't ruin the communication between you guys anymore since she isn't talking to you. 700 is a lot of money to let her get by with
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
I admit that I did think about taking her to small claims court when I was really furious with her, at first. I called the courthouse where she lives to find out what you have to do and it seems that the person I spoke with at the courthouse KNEW HER and told her that someone had called to make an inquiry. So much for small town confidentiality, I guess. She later questioned my husband, asking him if he had been the one that called there. At that point, I realized there wasn't going to be any easy way to deal with the situation so I let it go. But thanks for understanding that the $700 is really a lot of money to me and I really would have liked it back.
1 person likes this
@lulylove (1560)
• Brazil
26 Dec 06
Ours, also I think as you I find very to start.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 06
I would call the court and speak to her supervisor, I'm sure she could get in trouble for telling the cousin that someone called, she can't release information if someone inquires. I persoanally would sue her for the money, she isn't taking repsonsibility for her debt to you.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 06
I personally would definitely take her to court to get my money. It's obvious she has no intention paying you back. After, all, look how she has lied, changed her phone number, and stopped emailing. Your husband is right. You shouldn't feel guilty for something that's not your fault. If your husband truly loves you, like I believe he does, he will be there to back you up in court. I would still visit my husbands family and if the topic came up I would definitely tell them I am handling it in a professional and legal manner. no one deserves to be taken advantage of. What she did is selfish and irresponsible.
• United States
26 Dec 06
I would defianetly let her know that you have not forgotten. That is alot of money to just be throwing away, especially on someone you didn't really know that well. She took advantage of you, and the fact that she hasn't even attempted to pay you back says alot about her.
• Canada
26 Dec 06
It sure does, armywifey... she has never tried to pay it back and never once apologized for doing it to me in the first place. Sometimes, all it takes in a heartfelt apology to patch things up some, you know? I guess no one's ever explained that to her.
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
Thanks mskim! You're right -- my husband said that he would back me up, no matter what I chose to do about the situation. I guess what still makes me feel bad is that their relationship is now over because of the money. I know that he was hurt by it and it's really too bad that it ever happened. But, you're right -- she is very selfish and irresponsible and most people in the family know that about her. I value everyone's insight and I'm interested in the fact that you would still visit the family. I do want to be able to do that very much. Do you have any ideas on how to deal with her when I would have to see her face to face? Would you act like nothing ever happened or just keep things cool so that she is well aware that I haven't forgotten it?
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 06
wow .. if i was in your situation i would find it very hard to forgive that person only because its been so long since she has paid you back .. maybe she just does not have it .. ask if she set up a payment plan that could help i mean you wont get your 700 hundred right away but you will get it sooner then never if she can agree to giving you maybe 50 a week or 100 a month ..
@lulylove (1560)
• Brazil
26 Dec 06
Ours, also I think as you I find very to start.
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
Hi emilylynn :) You're right when you say "she just does not have it"... as I posted to another person in this discussion, she doesn't know how to save money. She spends any money she gets, as soon as she has it her hands, getting acrylic nails, buying clothes, etc. She feels that, if she earns it, she can spend it. She has had her home phone cut off over and over for not paying her bills and I'm just on a long list of people she owes money to. Her financial situation is a mess. I originally said if she could send me $20 a month until it was paid back, I'd even be happy with that. I tried to be fair and flexible but she just wasn't willing to even try. Thanks for understanding how it feels to be in my position though! Really appreciate that :)
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 06
the only way i could forgive is if they made a way to pay the check back
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
It has been really difficult, lovespecialangel. Some days I want to forgive and forget and other days I just think she had a LOT of nerve to even try to do what she did (after all, she KNEW that she didn't have the funds to cover the check because she later told my husband that most of her pay check was "gone as soon as it was deposited" because she owed money to SO many people). Live and learn, huh?
1 person likes this
@ainpat (279)
26 Dec 06
Just pray for her so Heavenly Father can let her to find a way to pay her debt back.
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
Thank you ainpat... I really do hope that she will find what she needs in her life. Everyone deserves that!
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157050)
• United States
26 Dec 06
I have had a couple of trusted people, not family members take advantage of me in a monetary way, and because of their position I am disappointed in them, but am now out of contact.I have to let it drop, and forgive them, because the disappointment is holding me captive. Your case is harder, I have a family member who caused my daughter-in-law to lose her job over failure to pay a debt. At first dil was going to avoid family functions to keep from seeing this family member, but did go for Thanksgiving, and seemed to have a great time. Thanksgiving is the most important holiday in my family, and to my son. I had made certain that others knew that dil my not attend and why, so they were all glad to see her. We all have learned our lesson with this other relative. She is completely remorseless about debts to all of us, but we will not let her take closeness with the others away. It sounds like the family members know this person's spending habits. I will bet they are embarrassed, and do not know what to do either. Seven hundred dollars plus check fees is a lot. Your husband understands, and you are his priority. If you cannot let it go, file a small claim. In the course of what I hope is many years of marriage, seven hundred will not be so much.If you have a ding on your credit rating in association with it, write a letter explaining it to be put in your credit bureau files. If she steals the chance to be close to the other family members, she has taken a whole lot more away from you than $700. I just wish the family had let you know she was a jerk, prior to you getting stung. Congratulations on the wedding. Your husband sure sounds like a keeper. Do not let the deadbeat take anything more from you in the way or missed sleep or family relationships. Just keep your distance from her.
• Canada
26 Dec 06
Thanks GardenGerty! Your comments are terrific! I would have liked a heads-up about her being a jerk, that's for sure! She seems to like to make life difficult in the family. She has cut off contact with anyone who doesn't give things to her daughter (which is pretty much all of her mother's side of the family). She seems to feel that, because she had a child at a young age, everyone in the family is supposed to help her with that. When she was here, she was complaining to my husband that no one in the family keeps in touch with her or gives presents to her daughter. Well, jeez! She doesn't make it easy to like her!! Thanks so much for the reminder that, over the course of the marriage, the $700 isn't going to amount to a hill of beans. It hurts when it's taken away all at once but, of course, we have moved on and compensated for it over time. I do appreciate your congratulations and he's definitely a keeper :) We're looking forward to celebrating our third anniversary in early January. I've got my distance from her pretty well mapped out now... and I keep an eye on it. PS: Is that a grandbaby in the photo? If so, congratulations are in order for you too!!
1 person likes this
@sunrisekn (1466)
• United States
26 Dec 06
You know, life is short and I know that you lost $700 however, I'd chalk it up to lesson learned and let it go. Of course, I would want my money too, but she is obviously not going to make good on the check. There are so many other things to focus on. I wouldn't drop everything and make nice with her, I would still let her know that she has wronged you, but as far as having to forego the family visits, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. My aunt did the same thing to me almost but not on my wedding day, on a vacation to where I live she ran short on cash and asked me to loan her some until she could get home. $1000.00 and 2 years later--not a penny. I don't stop my family visits, and she is aware that I am unhappy with her, but I chalked it up to lesson learned and it will not happen with any family member again. Karma is a you know what!!! :)
@sunrisekn (1466)
• United States
26 Dec 06
I do understand. Money doesn't grow on trees--at least not at my house lol. :)
• Canada
26 Dec 06
You're so right.. it does get to the point where you have to just give it up. I was especially hurt when another in-law told my husband, "You know that she doesn't have the money to pay it back so why don't you just drop it?" I wanted to scream, "OK - first of all it was MY money at that time, not my husband's, and second, am I suddenly independently wealthy and can afford to just pay for everyone?!!"... but that was just me getting my back up because I was already mad. I do agree with you about being the bigger person and not letting the person who cheated you get the upper hand. You should be really proud of yourself for learning your lesson right quick. I've definitely learned that I will never again let money enter into a family relationship... I believe I have a good heart but I'm just not going to let myself get roped in like that again. AMEN on the karma! LOL! Right on!
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
Man... don't you wish it WOULD though? LOL!! If it did, all of this would have been a non-issue... I would have just picked myself a refund! *grin*
1 person likes this
@Asylum (47893)
• Manchester, England
26 Dec 06
I would not forgive anyone for that type of behaviour, a bad cheque is not written by mistake but is a deliberate attempt to defraud. To write out a cheque to a family member knowing that it will not be honoured is totally unthinkable, I would expect them to ask me for the money so that I could budget accordingly.
@Asylum (47893)
• Manchester, England
26 Dec 06
I can appreciate your reason for not fighting the issue. If it was me I would not wish to upset my partner for the sake of money, but that does not mean that I would forgive.
• Canada
26 Dec 06
It really is fraud, Asylum, that's true. The funny thing is (and this is rather ironic), one reason that I've tried NOT to fight with her is because we are now related by marriage. I cared about that but clearly she did not. And you're right -- it was both deliberate AND unthinkable -- although, I admit I've used stronger words about it in the past!
• United States
26 Dec 06
Yes, I could. Sort of.
1 person likes this
@akinov (196)
• Philippines
26 Dec 06
yes,,,,
1 person likes this
@apostrofy (661)
• Romania
26 Dec 06
the fact that she's u'r familly doesn not give her the right to cheat, especially on her own familly. think how would she react if u would have done to her what she did to u. if she were in serious trouble she could have came to u'r husband and to u and ask for help. or if she was embaressed to do that, at leat she could do would have been to appologize for what she did and to admit she was wrong to deceive her own familly. i think she's not even sorry for what she did. in order to be forgiven, she should ask for it and she should realize she was wrong. forgivness does not come only coz she's familly. families support and help eachother, say they are sorry and admit when they are wrong. she didn't do any of that.
• Canada
26 Dec 06
apostrofy, you've said something that I never even realized -- never once has she apologized for her actions. I gave her that money, handed her the cash, and she spent every cent of it right in front of me while she was here. She even had me take her shopping so she could buy souvenirs for all her friends back home and at work! She spent the money I "gave" her on all those things, knowing that I was never going to get it back. Never once has she ever told me she was sorry for what she did... maybe if she asked for forgiveness, it would be easier to give it. Thanks for making me see this today!
• Canada
28 Dec 06
The words "I'm sorry" really are important. I think more people need to learn how to say them. If I had heard them, even once, I think I would feel a bit different about this whole situation. I think that you are right when you say that she probably thinks she should be excused for her actions just because she is related to my husband. He doesn't think that's right at all! He says that he is angry that someone in his family made him look like such a fool on his wedding day... I say that it's not him that looks foolish. But I understand why he feels bad. He loves me and someone in his own family deliberately hurt me. I get that. Yes, the souvenir shopping really put me over the edge when I realized it. It sure took a lot of nerve to do that -- and she had me drive her around, in my car, to shop too. Oh well... you just can't do ENOUGH for some people, I guess!
• Romania
28 Dec 06
i'm glad i could help. for me words are really important if they came from someone's heart. i'm sure that if she was trully sorry she would tell u this. but she can't be forgiven just based on the fact she's related to someone (it wasn't even up to her to get this familly connections, it's destiny). and she doesn't have an excuse either for being irrational. i mean she's a bankcrupt and she shops for souvenirs? omg who would do such a thing. if she had money problems she should have came and ask for help instead of cheating. and if she did what she did, she should at least realize she was wrong. as long as she's not asking for forgivness i don't think she considers what she did was wrong. i'm really sorry u are stuck between u'r husband and his familly, but what she did was wrong, and she should at least realize that and say a simple "i'm sorry".
• United States
26 Dec 06
Boy we sure do have a lot in common--you wouldn't happen to be a Taurus would you? The things I have done for my ex in-laws I could write a book about. Even my new family--I think I may have you on this one... My husband's sister is worthless, but I always try to see the good in people. I do have to realize that sometimes people will never change. His sister found some of my husband's old checks at his dad's apartment. This account had been closed out for a little over a year. We knew he had some financial paperwork over there, but never thought we would need to take it right away. One day we received a collection notice. Oh, I should mention we do not have a checking account and pay for everything with either cash or a pre-paid credit card. Anyways, when I opened it and saw a collection on a check written sometime in June I was furious! Also, the date it was written we were in another state with my daughter! I could not believe that his sister did that, and more so that a business cashed a check from an account that had been closed for over a year! How can family do that to each other? I just don't get it... I'll post the whole story and what we did maybe later this week, but believe me, I know how you are feeling. I would have taken her to small clims court. Unfortunately, too much time has passed so now you can chalk that up to a life lesson learned.
• Canada
26 Dec 06
LOL nope, I'm not a Taurus but I am a Virgo... and apparently we have this tendency to be really strict "play by the rules" types ;) Your sister-in-law is a real piece of work... wow. But you know what? You actually reminded me of something ELSE that is unbelievably similar (I can't believe it LOL). My husband is ex-military and when he was away on training at one point, he had to leave his checkbook with another family member to make payments on his vehicle and insurance for him. When he got home, his checking account was empty. They had used HIS money to pay THEIR bills. Never paid him back. They assumed, since he was away, that he didn't "need" the money anyway! Then, the same female relative that messed me over, drove his vehicle the whole time he was gone because she liked it better than her own. Made a real mess of it, too. Nice welcome home he had there! I hope that you and your husband didn't suffer for that collection notice you received! I mean, when you try to pay cash and maintain a good credit rating, it really sucks to have it negatively impacted by something you didn't even do yourself! I agree with you about not knowing how family can treat family so badly. Mind boggling! Do post your story if you get a chance later in the week... I'd be interested to read it. Thanks for commiserating too ;) I appreciate it!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 06
We sure do have a lot in common. My ex is a Virgo :-) It just amazes me how family members treat each other! I am sorry but when I hear that saying Blood is thicker than water---I just laugh. Family members seems to take advantage of each other more and more and it's so sad. I am trying t to raise my kids better than that.
@mfibong (138)
• Singapore
26 Dec 06
although she obviously did a bad thing, i can still forgive her and just let her karma do its thing..i believe that for every bad thing that we do to others, there is also some sort of a bad return to us as well..i can forgive her but i may not be able to trust her again anymore..
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Dec 06
mfibong, you should be really proud of yourself for being able to forgive right away... it is taking me so long to get to that point in my mind. I had done several things for her, prior to this check situation, including buying and shipping some items to her for her child when she said she didn't have enough money to get her what she needed. I really tried to help her so, when she took my money at the wedding, I was mad and hurt. You are exactly right when you bring up the issue of trust. I will never be able to trust her again, that's the honest truth, but I will have to find forgiveness for her and move on. I know that, after all this time, the situation is hopeless but I'm really interested in these replies that show me how other people would have handled being in my place.
1 person likes this
@SK401001 (934)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Well,I look at it this way, after 3 years what are your chances of getting your money back. Slim to none. Do you actually want to go after her for the money? At this point I would say let it go, I would write her a letter or even try to call her. Letting her know your not going to ask her for the money, who knows what her reasons are for not paying back. Either way I would try to call it water under the bridge and try to re-new the realationship between the three of you. Its more important to have a close family then keeping a distance. However if the subject of loaning money to her or for that matter any family or friend I would say ~no thank you~ you have learned your lesson.
• Canada
27 Dec 06
Thanks SK... that's true -- if I "officially" tell her that I don't expect her to pay me back, then there's the chance that she will try to re-start her relationship with my husband and others in the family. If it's left as an "open wound," she'll avoid us forever, if that's what it takes. I've known for a very long time that I'm never going to see a cent returned but, as I mentioned to someone else in this discussion, the one thing I would have appreciated but never received was an apology. She has yet to show even a tiny bit of remorse for her actions. I did send her a Christmas card this year, as I've done all along, with pictures of the kids and such enclosed. We never hear from her, even at the holidays, but I am trying to be the bigger person and keep extending myself a bit at a time. But, you're right, I've learned a huge lesson!
@SK401001 (934)
• United States
27 Dec 06
I think their is a posibility that she is very embaressed about the situation, I know if that was me, I would be. I am glad you are the bigger person and you are trying to reach out to her, It sounds to me she is not sure or aware of your intentions, I hope all will work out for the best for you all of you.
@KrauseHome (36449)
• United States
27 Dec 06
Wow, this is pretty low, but believe it or not, I have family members or so called family members on my side that have taken advantage of my Mom and my sister, and never tried to ever pay them back. So it does happen in a lot of families, and the sad thing, is no one ever tends to think anything about it. But just remember, what goes around does tend to come back around so in time they will get their just dues as well, and then maybe they will look back and remember what they did to someone else, or she will mature enough to be woman enough to really pay you back. As for Family get togethers, I would be surprised she would want to be there as you would confront her, or your husband would only to make the time miserable for all. I just wish you the best though.
• Canada
27 Dec 06
Thanks so much for your reply... you're right! Here I am thinking about how I don't want to see her in person if we should go there to visit... without thinking that she surely won't want ME to be there either LOL! I really agree that it would miserable for all of us. My husband tells me that she won't care and that she would show up anyway. He says that she has no problem with the fact that she owes so much money all over town, to businesses, friends, family, etc., and that she will just stand right in front of you and act like she has nothing to be concerned with. I don't know how true that is but I'm not in any real hurry to find out. Thanks for your wishes - and the same to you and your family too. As my mom used to say, "everything comes out in the wash, eventually!"
@mssmith007 (1028)
• United States
26 Dec 06
That is a horrible situation to be in. Not only have you lost $700, but you also were taken advantage of by someone you gave the "benefit of the doubt" too. You should not feel guilty because none of this is your fault. The family member who wrote the bad check is at fault. She should have realized that she was putting a strain on your husband/her relationship by cheating you out of your money. I would forgive her for her actions, and move one -- but never forget.
• Canada
27 Dec 06
Mssmith, I agree... her actions could have had a huge negative effect on my marriage... because this happened literally the day before the wedding. (I give my husband a lot of credit for how he has handled this). She even told everyone, at our reception, that she had been worried about my husband moving so far from his family to be with me but that, now that she had met me, my children and family, that she was very happy to know that he was going to be with such good, loving and caring people. I don't know... it strikes me now as somewhat hypocritical. Thanks for your kind advice... I'm working really hard on the forgiveness factor -- but I know I won't forget ;)
@Mickie30 (2626)
27 Dec 06
I think anyone is worthy of forgiveness though it was really bad this happened to you. It is really an awkward situation to be in and maybe you should have contacted legal advice as she has stolen money from you.
• United States
28 Dec 06
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's very unfortunate. You could have taken her to a small claim court, but the statue has probably passed on that. It can be so hard to forgive sometimes, and I know this from my own personal experience. But think about the time that you had done wrong to someone else and how it made you feel when they were willing to forgive you and receive you. Yes, I would forgive her, but I would probably NEVER receive a check from her period. I hope that you and your husband can reconcile with this family member. Because the bottom line is....life is just too short and we must try to stick togeter. Because if something bad was happen to anyone, everyone would feel horrible. That you didn't talk to each other, and now someone is sick, and surely you are not going to let this money keep you from reaching out to the person. So don't wait until things get bad to reconciliate, do it today, because in the end people mean more than money, and life is just too short for all of our minor dramas. I pray God gives you and your husband the strength to forgive her and move on to being family. just an expensive lesson learned: no more personal checks from relatives or go to their banks to cash the money 1st (lol)
@jen20619 (1300)
• Ireland
26 Dec 06
This was a very nasty and horrible thing of her to do.Im not surprised you dont like the though of having to visit the family cause she will be there.I know how hard this must be for you.Try not to carry this around with you as its not good.i think most of us get ripped off at some stage in our lifes and you can only learn from it.
• Canada
27 Dec 06
Thanks Jen, good advice! I am careful to treat people respectfully and I think I was so shocked that it took me awhile to fully realize (and accept!) that she had ripped me off. But, sadly, you're right -- most people do get cheated in some way during their lifetime. I'm pretty thankful that this only involved money and not something more serious. Whether I can fully forgive her or not, money is just a material thing. But yep! Lesson learned ;)
@thewane (30)
• Portugal
26 Dec 06
if she can do that to you, she doesn't deserve any respect from you nor she is trustworthy. She didn't care about your financial situation or if you were in need of some cash later. As long as she gets what she wants... I probably coulnd't face again because if I did, i'd probably hit her in the face.
• Canada
27 Dec 06
Well, I do know that I'd never get physical with her because that's not in my nature... but you bring up a good point when you say that she didn't care that I would be in need of that cash to pay the expenses of the wedding. I had already left welcome gift baskets in the hotel rooms containing food, snacks and drinks, planned to pay for the meals for everyone, the reception food and drinks, etc., and she went ahead and used part of the money she took from me to buy souvenirs for her friends and co-workers back home! I don't think those were necessities... oh -- and neither was her visit to the casino while she was here, now that I think of it. *sigh*
@bimmer999 (1159)
• Philippines
27 Dec 06
wow thats pretty difficult to accept..usually other people just let it go since its family..but depends on how close you are to this family member, if she's ignoring you then you have every right to go after her, she should be the one to initiate payment but instead is trying to ignore you. what an a-hole. to think she's 'family'
• Canada
27 Dec 06
Exactly! She's one of those people that really makes me agree with the "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" way of thinking. :\