An only child

@cclay34 (488)
United States
December 28, 2006 12:25pm CST
My wife and I have a 4 year old son, he is an only child. Lately he keeps asking for a little brother. My wife doesnt want to have any more children because of complications with the first and I am 41 years old and am not sure if I can handle another young child right now. I have thought about adopting a child but my wife is against the idea. She says that she is afraid that she wouldnt love one as much as the other and it would cause problems for the child as it grew older. I just wonder if we are doing the right thing by not at least having one more child. I wonder if there will be long term effects for our only child.
8 people like this
90 responses
@eicher (511)
• France
28 Dec 06
has no moment you speak about desire for having another child, I rather have the impression that you want to satisfy the desires of your son, and it is not sufficient to have baby... moreover, he is only 4!!! as well the next year he will want a plane... you cannot appease all his phantasms... I'm an only child but I am not an unbalanced person; my parents are young and they always look after me very well and as soon as they could they played with me so I never missed a little sister or brother
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Dec 06
agreed 100%
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
28 Dec 06
I am an only child. I wouldn't have had it any other way. As an only child you learn to be more self sufficient, have a better imagination from having to entertain yourself, and generally are more mature at a younger age from being around mainly adults. And who is to say that if you get pregnant, it will be a boy? What then? Does your son have any cousins around/ Other kids in the neighborhood? I had cousins I played with every day. It was like having siblings, only I got to go home alone at the end of the day. yes, it is a bit lonely at times, but still worth it. And with only having one child, you will have more time to devote to this child.
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
28 Dec 06
I dont think he cares if he has a brother or a sister, I think either one would make him happy and I think my wife really wants a daughter but is afraid to get pregnant again. For me.... well I have 5 children, 4 from a previous marriage but they are all almost grown now. yes he has cousins but I dont think this is satifieing him.
1 person likes this
@Lunnazol (296)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I am an only child and I don't regret it. I got all the attention in the world and I was not lonely because I have many cousins and we grew up together and played all the time. Today, those cousins are like brothers and sisters to me.
1 person likes this
• India
29 Dec 06
See the problems with one more child seem to be much more serious than your kid's problem...What you can do is...spend more time with your kid and play, chat and have fun with him so that he may not feel lonely. You can send him to playground or parks where he gets lot many kids to play with....Solving a kid's problem is not so difficult that you invite lot more problems for you and your wife.
1 person likes this
@pjsparkle (147)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I saw in one of your comments that you have other children from a previous marriage. Well this means that he is not an only child but has half-brothers and half-sisters. Regardless of their ages you should make an effort to enhance their relationship with their brother, along with that of the step-mother and step-child relationship.
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Yes I have other children and they get along great with my wife and they love their little brother very much. the problem is that they live almost 1200 miles away and we very rarely get to see them so it makes it difficult to work on those relationships
• United States
29 Dec 06
Well then how about a mentoring program such as cub scouts that would let him make friends and interact with other boys his age.
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Hahaha I'm the father of 5 children, I already know these things, we have him in daycare and he has cousins his age to play with, plenty of interaction with other kids. I think its something deeper
@srhelmer (6934)
• Beaver Dam, Wisconsin
28 Dec 06
We only plan on having one child too. Again, because of complications with my wife's first pregnancy. I would suggest a puppy since it sounds like your child is looking for a playmate.
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Hahaha we have 3 dogs now
@lulylove (1561)
• Brazil
28 Dec 06
forbidden animal - forbidden animal
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! It is truth, it would be as somebody of the family, but it would not ask for gifts in the Christmas, the anniversary and etc. Also shopping would be a penalty not to take it it.
• United States
29 Dec 06
you need to tell him the truth- when it is your turn for another one, the stork will bring you one. :)
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Hahaha your right and a few times I have thought the stork snuck up on us and left a surprise but it hasnt happened
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
29 Dec 06
You make some really valid points why should not have another child as to your wife. Are her fears just fears or does the doctor say she should not have more children? Just because you have complications the first time does not mean it will happen again unless there is medical evidence it could. You should check with the doctors to see if this is a problem and if not if you BOTH want another child then go ahead if there is psycological problems get counseling. But don't have another child because your son want's a sibling. It can be lonely being an only child but it can have rewards too. I suggest you find other people a play group your son can interact with several times a week. Trade off babysitting with other couples. As to your wife not having love for another child adopted that is plain silly and selfish. I have known several only children and most did NOT like being an only child some did, some turn out very selfish and self centered. Most have a hard time adjusting to families with more than one child. MY DIL is an only child and only now nearly 4 years later is starting to let her guard down a bit with my other kids. She said she was very lonely, her parents were older and most their friends did not have small children. A puppy or kitten might help but they cannot talk back the way another child would. I would try adoption or if you qualify try foster care. See how your wife feels about foster care, most kids go back in awhile. Some get adopted out. You get paid for it too and you don't have to have more than one foster child if you don't want and you can tell them you don't want certain age of children. Just some ideas.
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
29 Dec 06
The problem with my wife isnt medical, we could have another baby, the problem is that she is afraid because she is asian and very small and I am american so we make big babies, she was unable to have our son, he had to be taken by C-section. I think that foster care wouldnt be right for us because if she became attached to a child and then the child was taken away she would be heart broken and it would only make things worse. I would like to adopt a baby from her country and I am sure that if I could arrange to keep a baby in our home for a short time she would change her mind about adoption but I will not force the issue because only she knows what is in her heart
@micheller (1366)
• United States
28 Dec 06
I know that adopting a child is not as exiting as having a BIRTH child. But even though your wife feels she will love one more than the other, I don't think she will. Once you get the child and know that you are the mother of the child now and this child will be looking up to you and calling you mommy and daddy, you will love the child as if were your BIRTH child.
@cclay34 (488)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I think you are right and I have tried to explain to my wife that she would come to love an adopted child just as much as she would a child she has given birth to however, I will not force the issue because only she knows what is inside of her heart.
• Italy
28 Dec 06
make love don't war said evryone. I think thhat things must to be discuss with your wife and not here. Let my sooon! Ettore
• Zambia
29 Dec 06
I don't think that helps the man at all, Ettore. He seeks opinion and advice and not that kind of retort. lol He must've discussed with his wife before coming here of course. And he has mentioned that the wife is worried about birth complications. I think ur response lacks seriousness and maturity.
2 people like this
@Aali311 (6127)
• United States
29 Dec 06
You both have to make decisions togehter, I think one child is enough, I have two of my own, a year apart, I love them both the same and I do worry but I think everything will be ok with them, your child needs friends to play with and maybe a preschool to attend, soon he won't want another brother or sister it's just a phase he's going through, he's feeling lonely, he'll get over it. But you having another child is going to change alot of things so think about it before you take another step, and I don't think there is anything wrong with just one kid, he'll be fine in the long run.
@kingatul (851)
• India
29 Dec 06
Actually children who are the only childs of their parents have this wish that they should have a brother or sister.They get this feeling when they see their friends having siblings. I think that you should take this idea of adopting a child more seriously when you say that your wife had complications while giving birth to the first child. Tell your wife that it might not be good for your child if he always keeps longing for a little brother and adopting a child is the only way out.
@kokopelli (4843)
• United States
29 Dec 06
your child can surely bear being an only child. i'm an only child and i grew up fine, enjoying my parents undivided attention :) i have a son, an only child too (coz i don't plan of having anymore children) and he's doing okay. i remember i asked my parents the same - to have a lil sister, and my son asked me the same when he was still young - he wanted a lil brother. what my parents did when i was a kid growing up was to have my friends come over to play specially during the weekends when they can stay overnight. my mom also invited some cousins to have their vacation with us during long breaks in the summer. this way, i didn't miss the company of a sibling coz i'm always with playmates and friends. i did this with my son too, and it worked. maybe you can try it :)
29 Dec 06
I was an only child, and I don't think it caused me any damage, if anything it was a good thing because it encouraged me to make more friends and appreciate my parents even more.
@jfeets726 (775)
• United States
29 Dec 06
We are kind of in a similar situation, although our daughter, who is two, hasn't started asking for a brother or a sister. I am not sure if I want to have another child. My boyfirend and I have been together for quite a while, but we are not married and I do not have any insurance because I work from home. If I did have insurance or we were married, it may be another story. He does want another kid, but I am just not ready and I don't know if or when that time will come. I have worried about the same thing too, about my daughter being an only child. My mother was an only child and she did say it got lonely at sometimes, but she turned out fine. In fact, when she looks back at it now, she says that she was kind of glad she was an only child becuase she got more attention from her parents. I don't know if there are any long-term emotional effects though. I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through.
• India
29 Dec 06
Your wife is right don't try to adopt a child because your wife her self telling that she can't look after that child as own child.
• India
29 Dec 06
it al depends upon u..., once u r ready to go straight., then decide with u wife., n please produce a nice kid for u r elder child
@runsgame (2034)
• India
29 Dec 06
my dear cclay it is u and wife to decide the wants of your own, well u already own one child and if there is some problem with your wife naturally u habve to look into that prolem and look after the health of your wife first., and so naturally u should not go for the second child. . as regasrds to your first child , it does not matter whether he have his brother or sister since he is not in a level to grasp this situation. but u fear in later years if he feel s o like that , i do not think like that because after maturity he will look after his freedom and he won't think that had i go one brother or sister like that . my sincere advice is to just to concentrate on your child and be happy and look after your wife very carefully all the best
@Muslimah (811)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Yeh i have 3 girls and it is better for them when they have brothers and sisters. I also grew up in a house with 6 brothers and sisters so i LOVE big famlies. But i also know preagency is no joke on the body and if you have a bad experiance with one it can scare you into not wanting to do it again. But if its where she just CANT have another child (I mean doctors have told her this) than its nothing she can do, but if its a fear of having another i advise yall to try for another. One thing about pain is after its gone we cant feal it anymore.
@milagre (1272)
• Portugal
29 Dec 06
The gap between my daughter and my son is 13 years, thus, my girl was an only child for long. Of course she has a lot of characteristics from an only child, like she thinks more often on herself first (kind of selfish), she's a bit demanding, and some other things, but she's a nice person also, with a lot of good things in her soul. but, no one is perfect and children with brothers also have some "defects". If possible more then one is better, but is nothing wrong on having just one. I become mother of a secound one when i was 41 and it was just great... even preganancy was more alive and fun then with my daugther, so, if you're worry, age is not a problem. Good luck