Family situation...am i wrong?
By jewel76
@jewel76 (2305)
Canada
December 29, 2006 9:37am CST
Hey all! Well, we all have our family holiday issues don't we? So i'd like to share mine with all of you, and hopefully get your insight on the situation. Here goes: i've been with my now husband, for 4 years and a half. His parents have been invited over at my dad and stepmother's house for supper once, a bit before we got married, and i specifically remember my stepmother telling me there was no place for his brothers and their girlfriends, so it was just his parents. I mean, we understood, they do live in an apartement. Anyhow, so my dad's wife has a son, we'll call him Tom, and Tom just got engaged in august to his gf, we'll call her Sarah. So, on Christmas day, we all went to my dad's and his wife's house for the usual Christmas meal, but we found there to be two tables set up. My stepmother proudly said "oh yeah, Sarah's dad and his wife and their kids are coming too" I was furious!! Ok, here's the thing; she treats her son like a KING. I don't mean to sound immature, but it's true, everyone sees it, but my dad. It's her son this , and her son that. Anyhow, so there we were, stuck with these people we didn't even know for Christmas.. And then, when we sat down, she gave them all the good chairs and we got stuck on folding chairs. Is it me or did their apartement get any bigger? Last year she couldn't fit more than 6 persons, and now, we were what..15?? Also, another issue..there are no pictures of either me, my brother or my sister (who still lives with them) anywhere in their apartement, but...of course there's her son's prom picture, his engagement picture (she got it 1 month ago and it's already up, she's had our wedding portrait for over a year...) a picture of hers and my dad's wedding, with Tom of course, and a very little picture of my dad's grandson (my brother's son) oh yeah, and the worst...my deceased grandmother's picture, in back of all her bottles and glasses in the bar! I told my dad we needed to have a serious conversation..Am i right to be mad? Or am i over reacting? there's a bit more to it, but i'd take too many pages to explain!! Happy holidays everyone!!
6 people like this
24 responses
@estarga (1188)
• United States
29 Dec 06
You are right to be upset but it is his wife and he must be the one to address the situation. If he doesn't see a problem then you may need to distance yourself from your father. I don't mean just cut him off but, next Christmas you should have your own dinner and invite whom ever you want over.
3 people like this
@ahmedrulezz (103)
• Pakistan
29 Dec 06
I really want to say that you talk to your father. He will be responsive. At least we will give his small slice of his attention to this
2 people like this
@kareng (54680)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I would say talk to your father and let him know how you feel. And then tell him that you are doing Christmas at your own home next year because this felt so awkward this year. Let me deal with it. In the mean time, you can start your own traditions with your immediate family.
@sbeauty (5865)
• United States
29 Dec 06
As a step-parent I can tell you that it's a difficult job not showing your preference for your own children as opposed to someone else's children. I have always been very good to my step-children, but the relationship is just not the same as it is with my own children. Every Christmas I have had to give two separate dinners, one for my stepkids and their families and then another for my own side of the family.
My husband and I have been married 30 years, and my mother still doesn't accept my step-children as any part of the family or want to include them in just one big holiday celebration. I feel caught in the middle and very resentful when I consider all the work I go to every Christmas.
I think it would be better if you did as I do and tried to promote what harmony you can. You do not have a right to interfere in your father's marriage. You have your life, and he has his. The evil stepmother problem has been around a long time, and it will probably be around forever. Don't take it so personally. I have a lot more pictures of my kids and grandkids around the house than of my stepkids. I care about family pictures, and my husband could care less. We've always gotten along fine that way.
2 people like this
@Bee1955 (3882)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I had a cousin who eloped and married a widow with 4 children, and everyyear he would come to our house for Christmas since his parents lived out of state. That year as I set the table I told my sister to bring me 5 more place settings and had my brother get the card table up presumably for the kids. My mom asked why, did I ask someone over? I laughingly told her did she forget he was married and there would be 5 more from now on? Well, you'd think I shot her! He wouldnt dare bring strangers into my house she said! We thought she was playing but she was serious! She went to the hall and tried to call him but my brother observed that they had just driven up. Even my father told her what did she expect, him to leave his family at home and come eat here. She hotly said the kids werent relatives of hers and she wont accept them! My dad took her upstairs for a "chat" while I became the hostess and let them in. When she came down with Dad, my cousin could see something was wrong, but was too excited to log on to it. The presents they bought were opened, but dad had wisely snuck the cousin's away because there weren't any for the rest. Dad told him there was "something 'special" coming that wouldnt arrive until after Christmas. (My dad went out the next day and bought them a new refrigerator they needed.) My mom was strangly silent throughout the gift unwrapping and as I gave out cookies and candy to the kids, my cousin's new wife said she had heard that Mom's precious dachshund had passed away at Thanksgiving when they eloped and she was so sorry to hear about it. She then told our cousin to go to the car and get
Mom her gift. He came in and toild Mom he appreciated her having him there every holiday and now with his new family as well so here it is... Seems our new cousin was a gifted oil painter and from an old photo of the dog he had she painted the dog exactly as if he was alive. My mother cried her eyes out and ran upstairs. Confused, they both turned to Dad, and he grinned: "Dont worry about her - you taught her a lesson she'd never forget." A 1/2 hour later, a fresh-scrubbed face mom said, lets get the dinner going and all 10 of us had a great feast. Whenever my aunts made bad remarks about "the widow and her kids", my mom always shut them up from then on.
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I know what you are saying alot of people play favorites especially to their own kids.as for this dinner she shouldnt of had these people iflast year she had no room for extra people and i would say something about the photos she should have pictures of you up also not just her son that is very rude and being obvious so i do not think you are overacting and i would be upset to.this women needs to start being fair and stop favoring certain people.
2 people like this
@Sinbadd (126)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Well dear I know this may sound harsh, but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I think that the simple thing to do is just put it to your dad straight how you feel and emphasise to him how imtportant you think his relationship with you, his kids, is to you. Then if he respomds negatively then just tell him that you'll always love him, not to expect to see you that often anymore. I call it tough love guess, because you know what they say, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I hope everything turns out ok for you.
2 people like this
@carolynpb (647)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Man, I can feel what you are feeling! You are absolutely right the way you feel.It's not your imagination either! Just the other night we went to my mother-in-laws house and I had to go in her room to answer the phone and as I was talking I noticed that all over walls are pictures of all her children and their kids but no where on the wall is my husband, (her son), or our kids (their grandkids!). I did manage to see a picture of one of my daughters over behind a pile of junk on her chester drawers. What's up with that? And since we don't go over there for Christmas eve cause we want to stay at home with the kids, they just draw names without us and we don't get any gifts. But I carried all of my hubby's sisters a little gift. You and I could have alot to discuss! Sound like we could be great friends! We are both discrimnated agaisnt!
2 people like this
@mumu0919 (4)
• Philippines
30 Dec 06
i think it would be better if you talk to your dad tell him everything that gets your attention,you have to discuss it with your dad that what your step mom doings is really not fair and if possible ask your dad if you can talk to your step mom so atleast she will know that what she's doing hurts somebody, if you will talk in a nice way i think she can change it you just have to explain it to her anyway she has to treat you like her own daughter too, so what she must do with tom must be done also to you and your siblings. and after everyone of you agreed to change it, all of you have a good life ahead together. everything can be solve through as nice talk.
@cuddlebug79705 (2003)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Gently share your feelings with your dad. He may not see what is going on,he just may not notice. But let him know your feelings are hurt so that he may be able to do something about it.
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Next Christmas just invite your husbands family over and then explain to your dad why you didn't come to his house. He's allowed to remarry, but not forgiven to forget his kids from that previous marriage. Just standing there and letting this woman basically wipe you off the face of the earth is rude and heartful. So yes you have every right to be hurt and mad at your father. This woman needs to realise when she married your dad, she also married you because you are his daughter.
Good Luck, don't let this woman wipe you out of your dad's life.
@Simplemind26 (510)
• Canada
30 Dec 06
Wow it sounds like you had more of a Christmass hell story.I think you should be alone with your father and speak to him one on one..Tell him how you feel...Make sure that your other siblings are there as well.Sometimes it's not what we say but how we say it.Try to explain to him how you feel and give him situations and examples to back up what you are saying.I do not think at all that you are over reacting.I think your acting as any normal human being.I think that you should all be treated alike.There should not be a preference.Hope everything works out for the best..
@Simplemind26 (510)
• Canada
31 Dec 06
Your very welcome.Happy New year to you too.I hope the new year brings wonderfull things to you and your loved ones.
@tba123 (457)
• United States
29 Dec 06
oh boy that would infuriate me. I think you should definetly talk to your dad. Although it might not do any good, at least you've spoken your mind. I really don't understand situations like this, when you marry someone your taking on their kids soo. You and your siblings should be treated the same as her son. Don't think she'd like it if your dad treated him like she treats y'all. I've never understood how someone can profess to love someone but treat their kids like crap. Sorry you're going through this.
@theaustinproject (99)
• United States
29 Dec 06
You are upset because you are not being treated equally or fairly. I understand that. The bright side is, she only decorates her home and not yours. Her values are different. If your dad wanted your pictures displayed he would do it. Truth is, he either doesn't care about pictures and decorating his home (which says nothing about how he feels about his own kids - unless he generally treats you as second class) or he doesn't care enough to fight her (if she has strong feelings). Either way, I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Shame on her if she is being exclusive and leaving you out.
@bluej20 (113)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I would yes make other arraingments for next year but I would get together alone with your father and give him the respect he deserves by telling him why. And you must be honest.Write it down if you need to.She is yes his wife but he is ruining the relation ship between himself and his kids.Tell him so.And of course do it nicely.
2 people like this
@lisar71 (1)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I completely understand where you are coming from. My husbands stepmother treats my kids like second class people next to her own daughters children. My kids have been excluded from many things from the time that they were born. I have learned over the years not to let it bother me. It has been very hard and taken a long time to get to that point but I eventually did. Plus, I figure that when my kids are old enough to understand how grandma treated them then they will come to their own decision as to whether to continue a relationship with her or not. In the meantime I just grin and bear it. Hang in there!
2 people like this
@Krisss (1231)
• Australia
29 Dec 06
Its not fair, but neither is life.
There really is nothing you can do to change them, you can only change how you react to them. I do not think anyone should ask their father to chose between his new wife and children, how would you feel if someone asked you to chose between your husband and Dad?
Hold your head high, get on with life. The best revenge is living well.
1 person likes this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
31 Dec 06
I'm not asking my father to choose between his wife and us, all i'm asking is that they treat all the kids equally, both her son and us. Why should my father be deprieved for her and her son?? Who does she think she is? Anyhow, thx for posting, but i don't think you understood my post. Happy New Year!
@Celanith (2327)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I beleive in taking the bull by the horns and confronting the situation. Not in a hostile manner but discreetly when opportuity arises and she does not have an audience, ask you stepmom if there is some reason there are no photos of you and your siblings and why she had room for her sons inlaws to be when before there was not room for your dad's children. Ask her if there is a problem. Be nice about it and tell her you feel hurt and wonder why she is behaving like this. If this does not work go to your dad quietly and ask him if he can do something even a small thing to change it. You might also suggest rather than have family dinner at her house you rent a hall or something togather so you can all be togather.
@pbskipper (365)
• India
30 Dec 06
Happy Holiday to you too..dont worry things will be alright just enjoy your holidays
@enchantedemerald (454)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I think you need to talk with your Dad and share your feelings and explain to him why your feelings are hurt.Remind him about the prior dinner when the apartment was too small and how miraculously the apartment grew in size this year. Your stepmom is showing favoritism and explain to your Dad how much it would mean to feel not excluded and left out. Listen to what he says and ask for his advice in solving this situation. Of course if your Dad does not want to change anything or is unwilling to iniate some changes peacefully then next year I think you and your husband should start your own Christmas dinner traditions. Good luck to you.
