My step son

United States
December 31, 2006 12:10am CST
My step son is always whining and it is starting to realy get on my nerves. My husband and I have five children between us. It never fails that I will wake up in the middle of the night to hear him screaming for his dad and running through the house like crazy and waking everybody up. My husband goes to his aid and then lets him fall asleep on the couch with him. I have tried to tell my husband that he has got to stop letting him sleep with him. I thought that it was nightmares at first but then when I started talking to him he just said that he always slept with his dad before I came along. He is six years old and I think that he is way to old to be screaming and sleeping in the same bed with us. How do i resolve this issue?
2 people like this
28 responses
@abakers (72)
• United States
31 Dec 06
I have a 9 year old step son and it was really hard to adapt to him. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and he has grew up with me. My husbands job keeps him away and away from seeing his son as much as he would like. Of course his son hated me and when he would come over I would have to sleep in the guest room. I began to grow tired of this, but being a stepchild myself, I approached it carefully. You don't know what he is being told when he is not with you. I understand that it is frustrating for you but try and talk to him (you and your husband) letting him know that no one will take his place in his fathers heart. Always be kind, no matter how aggrivated you get. Eventually he will come around. Is the ex-wife the problem? Take all things into consideration and think about how you would want your children to be treated if they weren't at home but with they're dad and another woman. He is just 6 years old, I don't know how long he has had to adjust but bear with him. My step son finally sleeps in his own room now and has for the last 5 years when he comes to visit. I hope this helps.
3 people like this
• United States
1 Jan 07
thanks for commenting and yes this does help I will take any suggestions that anyone has for me and again, thank you
1 person likes this
@kareng (7985)
• United States
1 Jan 07
This sounds like great advice and you have live through the experience. Sounds like it is worth a try.
1 person likes this
• India
31 Dec 06
dear rosa, i understand ur problem.it is a problemof love.ur step son requires more love,sympathy,affection.just forget he is ur step son.if u see this problem through materialist view point , u have no other option than to send him in a hostel,but spiritually it will be blunder for u.god is gracious,HE gives u an oppertunity to serve a child who is not ur own son.just serve him.become a caring,sharing,loving mother to him.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I do love him like I love my own. My husband had been a single parent for a long time so before it was just them and his other brother. His other brother is a little bit older than him and become one of my buds, we get a long great but what I want is for all of us to be a happy family.
@Kackie3 (345)
• United States
1 Jan 07
He needs his dad to let him know that he is still very important in his life, and that whatever changes have occurred it will not interfer with the way he loves him. I am guessing that he is the youngest of his kids. He still needs the security of his dad..he will eventually grow out of it once he knows that he hasn't been replaced in his dads heart.
• United States
31 Dec 06
You are going to have to use some force. Your husband is the MAN he can most likely do that.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I also agree with you in a way. I think that the reason he is still wanting to sleep with his dad is out of spite but of course I could be wrong.
@Trace86 (5034)
• United States
31 Dec 06
My stepson was the same way. We had to slowly break him of the habit. For one week, he slept in the middle. The next, he slept at the foot of the bed. The next, he slept on the floor on his dad's side of the bed. Then outside the door. Then on the couch. Then we got him to go to sleep in his room, but would wake up and find him on the couch. He will eventually grow out of it. The screaming needs to stop right away though. His dad needs to tell him that and think of a punishment if it doesn't. But the dad needs to do the punishing or you will forever be the bad guy.
• United States
1 Jan 07
This was actually something that I hear about a lot. Even when the child is not a step child. This is actually probably a good idea. thank you for commenting
@anne_143god (5390)
• Philippines
31 Dec 06
Maybe your husband should train his son a little by little not to sleep with him. He should make excuses or explain in good way that his son should no longer sllep with him.
• United States
1 Jan 07
He has tried doing this but some how we still wake up to find that our son is in the middle of the bed.
@Stephanie5 (2947)
• United States
31 Dec 06
Maybe you should be the one to try to deal with him. He's doing it to get daddy's attention and when daddy don't come running, and you do, his behavior will change. Stick to it!!! If you let daddy take over, even once, you'll have to start all over again. Hope this helps! And I feel for you, I have 4 step kids and sometimes they REALLY get on my nerves!! ugh...Good luck!
• United States
31 Dec 06
Sounds to me like you are jealous of your step kids. The kids aren't the problem, its the parents who raise them. They only do what they are taught. I have a step son and I am a step child of 20 years. The only way to take care of a step child is kindness and understanding unless you want rebellion.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
How do get that I'm jealous of my step-kids by what I wrote???????
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I don't believe that you are jelous at all in fact I think that maybe I should try this to see if he comes around. It defiantly couldn't hurt to try right?
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
Adjustment with step children is hard. My nephew right up until he left his step father's house had the you are not my father bouts. The strange thing is he kept coming back to his step father whenever he needed him. My own experience with having three step children was different because I didn't try to be a father or just another friend. I let them come to me in the capacity they needed at the time. For the most part it worked well. You and you husband have to show a unified front. Try not to enforce decisions or discipline apart whenever possible. The child should be eased out into his own bed. The idea should be based on making him believe he is growing up and becoming closer to a man like his father. While you ease him out make all of his possessions only allowed in his room. Each night he spends in his room should be shown as a special act. Don't frown on family counseling to go through the process. Check your community board their may even be a support group for step families in your area
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
Your comments about the way step children react in a blended family just proved to me that every child is diferent and that every child reacts to a situation diferently.
@rainyl (671)
• United States
31 Dec 06
it is a package deal and what his dad let him do before you two got together his dad has to discuss with him and explain to him how things are going to have to be done. He is six years old you cant expect him to take changes well nor should you. You are an adult and you are now a part of this childs life and you need to make adjustments just like he needs to however it is a whole family that has to make changes. Step Families I am still having problems with the name. since a family is a family regardless if you gave birth to the child or not. How does any child feel they fit in if they are considered a "STEP CHILD", may just be me however all children are innocent and deserve to be loved and treated fairly regardless of who gave birth to them. Give it time I am sure he will get used to sleeping in his own room, it is an adjustment that both his dad and he will have to get used to. Let me ask you this......... when you are out and run into friends how do you introduce your new family? do you introduce them as these are my children or do you introduce them as these are mine and these are my step children? Happy New YEar!
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Dec 06
I agree completely.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
Thank you for writing this piece for me and all viewers to see. I think you are right. A family is a family. I have adjusted to changes and so has he but somewhere we need to meet in the middle and give into each other. His brother is older and has even said that he knows that his dad and I love each other and there fore he will try to get along with me. The youngest one however, has an attitude about everything and I have even tried to explain that I am not trying to take the place of there mother. Infact the mother and I get along great and she has even told him that he needs to do as he is told. Thank you very much for commenting
• India
1 Jan 07
I dont undertsnad why step moms dont understands that its them who will have to adapt their ways to get along with the step child and not vice versa. when you are marrying someone with a stepchild you should know that nothing comes without a price... And dont get irritated just Sacrifice some of youre pleasures for a happier home.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I understand your concern but I don't agree with you because mothers should not have to sacrifice their bed to a child that is old enough to sleep in his own bed. I understand that their are times when he is going to need to because of a bad dream or such but as far as every night goes, I think that he needs to sleep in his own bed and I only wrote this post to get help with dealing with ways to get our son to sleep in his own bed.
• United States
1 Jan 07
I am hearing of a six year old child with anxiety. He fears his Dad won't always be his Dad...fears he can't articulate but express with actions instead. Odds are as the boy feels more confident he will begin letting the behaviors slide, this can be encouraged in various ways. Set a bed time, all three of you spend some moments together in the bed room. Stress how wonderful it is he is such a manly boy, how strong he is, even little guys like to see themselves as 'super heros'. Let Dad spend a little alone time with him a night, kind of a comfort buffer for the boy. Children can suffer from night terrors, not knowing themselves what is wrong. Stress can cause these night terrors to become more frequent. Children may also use them to get more attention from a parent. If all else fails, get a dog. The only bed the dog can sleep on is the boys. Boys and dogs sleeping together go like peanutbutter and jelly.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
peanut butter and jelly, I think that I like this expression. You almost sound like you could be a child psychiatrist. Thank you for commenting and I like your ideas.
@abilbrey (114)
• United States
1 Jan 07
Are you sure he is not sleep walking. My youngest still does this and has nightmare that really upset her. I think you should find the root of the problem. Try to make sure you know he is not watching something that may prompt a problem for him at night. It sounds like you should be more understanding and helpful in finding a solution to the problem with your partner.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I have sat down with him and tried to talk with him about what is causing him to get up in the middle of the night. He says that he does not have nightmares but he never realy gave me an answer.
@santoo (36)
• India
1 Jan 07
yaa..it's very long to read
• United States
1 Jan 07
Sorry about this but when I am on a role then man, am I on a role. I did have a lot to say and I figured that in order to make it clear to everyone then I needed to explain what was going on.
@cutepenguin (6457)
• Canada
1 Jan 07
I don't have kids, but I thought I'd pipe in with a suggestion. Is there another boy he can sleep with? Maybe he just doesn't like sleeping alone, but if he shared a room with another child, he'd be okay. What if you put a little mat/cot with a sleeping bag in your room next to your husband's side of the bed, and told him that from now until he is (7 or 8) years old, if he wakes up in the night, he can crawl into the sleeping bag, so long as he is quiet? At least that way he wouldn't be waking everybody in the house up.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
wow, this is actually a pretty good idea and I can't believe that it came from someone who doesn't even have kids. You just might be a genious thank you for commenting.
@Metallion (2230)
• United States
31 Dec 06
Have you asked a doctor or a psychologist for help with the situation? I think at this point that is what is necessary.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I have spoken to my husband about this and thought that it might be a good idea to get individual counceling for all of us as well as family counceling. thank you for your comment.
• United States
31 Dec 06
The only advice I have is to speak with your husband about his, repeatedly if necessary, until you know that he truly understands your point of view. But you are right, that is too old to be doing that and you can actually get in trouble legally for letting your children sleep with you after a certain age. Do any of the other kids do that?
• United States
1 Jan 07
wow I did not know this so thank you for the info.
• India
31 Dec 06
let him in right manner
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
thank you very much for commenting on this subject.
• United States
1 Jan 07
I dont know what to tell you on how to resolve the issue other than to sit your husband down and talk to him about this but I do agree with you the child is too old to be sleeping in the same bed wirh ya'll
1 person likes this
@phon4u (2217)
• Laos
1 Jan 07
Teach him how to pray to the god. Or make him feel confident after you pray to the god.So he will have a nice sleeping. And you will have more time with your husband.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3805)
• United States
1 Jan 07
What about taking him out and having a him day. Don't buy any toys or such, but let him pick a movie, ice cream, etc. Maybe making his bedroom more enjoyable. Your husband needs to also sit him down and explain to him no more screaming at night. 6 years of age, he knows better to do that. And tht he's a big boy now and it's time to stay in your own room. Good luck with this.
@onlyme123 (124)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I have a friend whose daughter slept in the family bed since baby until 7yrs. What finally got her out of there was the incentive to sleep in her own room. My friend took her daughter bed shopping together. She got her a frilly wrought-iron bed frame and mattress, really pretty sheet sets, and adorable bedroom accessories that they picked out together. My friend and her daughter set up her room, and since that night, her daughter has been sleeping in her own room ever since. So perhaps that's what the little boy needs: a room that he'll love to stay in. What theme does he like -- superheroes, trains, SpongeBob, etc. ? If something scares him at night, maybe giving him something to "protect" him at night will make him feel better? Find out what's scaring him at night. Is he feeling insecure or threatened that his daddy has five other children? This will take some time to resolve because he is still only six. Maybe you can give him little rewards for staying in his room for one night. Start with small achievable goals. The most important thing is that your step-sons feels that he is not being punished.