Relationship Advice Please?

United States
January 1, 2007 9:22am CST
I need some advice. My fiance and I met last March 2006. We have had our fights (Yes, we live together) but lately we have been arguing more. She sells Avon which requires her to be gone for a few hours. But she only goes to see her family in my car. Her family hates me (Her mother tried to run me over with her car in a Wal Mart parking lot back in August of 2006) My mother is my fiances boss for Avon and we both told her that she can't keep going to her family's house and make money, that she needs to go to other places. Her family lives almost an hour drive from us. But she doesn't listen. Yes, the car is in my name, and I make the payments, but I am not selfish. I would like to consider it hers too, but I am paying for the gas and she doesn't even make much to even fill it up. When she is gone, she is gone for like 8 hours a day, always at her family's house. I sit at home, on the computer. I am tired of it. I would like to get out and do stuff with her. I have tried to ask her if I can go along and we go somewhere else and sell, but she gets mad and says "I would like to see my family!!!" I don't get it. We fight over this almost every day because she goes to see her family every day or every other day and she says that I can't go (her mother does have a restraining order against me. I love her soooo much. I am tired of fighting. We also argue over other small stuff too. Misc. stuff. My mother says I spoil her. I probably do. Is this relationshop ruined? Please help! small answers like I agree or something similar will get a negative rating!
6 people like this
44 responses
• Canada
1 Jan 07
Wow djshocker... you have a lot of issues in this relationship. First off, I just wanted to say that it's very clear that your fiancee is just using the Avon as an excuse to go and see her family without you (and I'm sure you realize this). I know people that both sell and purchase Avon and you're not going to be doing that with the exact same people every day and it doesn't take 8 hours to handle the orders. That's just silly. Since her mother doesn't like you (ummm... she tried to run you over with her car and she has a restraining order against you??? Good grief! I don't like my daughter's boyfriend either but I'd never do anything to physically harm him!), she just thinks that she needs to have a "cover"... but she has chosen something that just makes her look ridiculous. Someone once told me that the best way to look at a problem is to first remove any emotional content from it. Then look at what's left. You have a car and she drives it, without contributing anything to it financially. Your choices seem to be taking it away completely, letting her drive it as she does now, or telling her that she should have to at least earn enough money with her Avon to cover the cost of the gas she's using. I don't think her needing to cover her own gas expenses is asking too much. She's not a child. I mean, you live together and are engaged... I see why you feel it's appropriate to let her use the car... but she needs to grow up and take some responsibility for herself. As far as her getting mad and saying she'd like to see her family -- exactly how many hours a day does she NEED with them? djshocker, I don't want to offend you but this girl sounds like she is extremely immature, irresponsible and nowhere near ready to leave the family to be in a committed relationship with you as an adult. To leave you alone in order to spend all this time with her family, it makes me question whether she really wants to be engaged or not. And, like it or not, you have to realize that the entire time she is with her mother, her mother is probably telling her that she shouldn't be with you, shouldn't be marrying you, etc. That is not going to be constructive to your relationship. I am absolutely not going to assume that I can give you concrete advice about whether or not your relationship is "ruined"... but I would suggest that you give it some serious thought. If she is mature enough to become engaged and live with you, there has to come a time where she cuts the apron strings. She should still have a good relationship with her family but NOT at the expense of her relationship with her partner. She doesn't seem even close to being ready to do that.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I have thought about this. It kills me, I feel like I can't talk about my feelings without getting accused of being selfish. But I have several people say that I spoil her. I did tell her I am not putting any gas in that car anymore unless its just enough for me to do what I need to do (when I actually get the car) I know her mother is always telling her she shouldn't be with me. But, one thing I can actallly say is that my fiance doesn't listen. My mother thinks that its just because I spoil her. I dunno. I do love her so much I can't describe it. But I don't want to throw a relationship gone this far, down the drain. :-( Thanks for your response.
• Canada
1 Jan 07
I know it would be hard to throw it all away... and I understand that you don't want to. If you do think you spoil her, maybe it's time to start pulling back on that? If she comes from a family that has always treated her like a china doll or "the baby of the family" even (which could be another reason that she runs back to them almost on a daily basis), then you don't want to just go ahead and do the same thing. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet. It's a hard lesson to learn... but you have done it. Seems like now it's her turn. I feel for ya... relationship problems can be so dejecting :(
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I already have been trying to pull back. It makes things worse. Worse that you can imagine! Also, I know its a lesson to learn, but she keeps call me an as***le! Then, I feel like one. I am so confused. I love her, I want to be the best guy I can, but I feel like I am making things worse.
• United States
1 Jan 07
I hate to say this but are you sure thats were she is going I mean does she actualy sell avon like the other said one can only use so much avon every other day is kinda hard to believe .I hope she is not telling you that and meeting some one . I mean why would she want to see her parents that much ?
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 07
I wondered the same thing, even my mother thinks that. But, I have asked her and she REALLY flew off. I mean, sometimes she gets orders, and sometimes she doesn't. But that is Avon. Also, I know that she goes to her parents alot, because I hear it from her sister and stuff. I wish there was a way I could put a recording thing underneath the seats of the car or something just to see.
@solmari (123)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Think about it! you said her mother tried to run you over with a car right? I think thats the lowest someone could go, she practicaly almost killed you!...so if she was capable of doing that i won't put it pass her to try and patch her daughter up with someone else and she uses her families house , probably its there where u going to find your answer...think about it they now u r not going to go there u have a restraining order remember? so they might be thinking that its the best place to meet someone else. but that just my opinion.
@padhukr (2267)
• India
2 Jan 07
some body need fried advice only i acepted.
@82idiots (595)
• United States
2 Jan 07
I don't understand this response.
@justreal (2367)
• Canada
2 Jan 07
This relationship is not ruined yet. What you need to do is try to sit down with her and talk to her on a nice lunch, dinner or supper or just anything. Be honest to her and tell her how you feel about her and how you love her and how much you need this to workout. Let her try to explain and express herself to you. Make sure you tell her that you are not going to be arguing, you are going to sit and talk like two mature adults and talk this out.
• Philippines
2 Jan 07
Good advice. Honestly is always the best policy. I'd do the same as mentioned above. Id rather not do it in public. Get out of your house and choose a safe and quiet place where you can be alone.
@kylesmiles (1911)
• United States
1 Jan 07
Hey there... This is "veggiegirl80" from the yahoo group! :) Anyway, honestly...do you want to hear what I think??? I don't mean to hurt your feelings but this is coming from someone OUTSIDE of your relationship looking in. I actually someone would have said something to me when I was dating a cheater... But anyway, this is what I think... I really think she could be cheating on you and using avon as an excuse to be away from you... I hope this doesn't hurt you. I bet you are a GREAT guy and you definitely sound like it. But I get this vibe that you are a NICE guy -- but your girl is a BAD girl. Again, no offense. ;) Since you are a NICE guy (and NICE guys DO finish last -- my hubby is an example), you should find a NICE girl. :) I don't think a relationship has a VERY good chance of surviving if her mother doesn't like you and tried to run you over--well the mother has problems, not you. Oh, and Avon should require someone to be gone for hours! That is insane... LOL I don't sell avon but I sell other things which I do online... So from my end, I think she may have someone on the side and is using Avon as a cop-out...
@pvleroux (607)
1 Jan 07
I was thinking the same thing but now that it is daid, maybe you should consider this as an option. This is what I meant with there must be a reason why she does not give you the love anymore.
@limosonia1 (1559)
• United States
2 Jan 07
WOW!!! I think your girlfriend needs to try and understand your feelings and also what it means to be a responsible adult with a fulltime job. Not to say that she can't earn a decent living from selling but she must really sell not to just her family. We all love our parents but sometimes we have to grow up and start our own relationships outside of our parents but still include them. Why is the relationship with your mother-in-law so bad to the point that she got a restraining order? Is there anyway to mend it. Try to take your girlfriend to counseling and see if that helps. If it doesn't then it might be time to move on. If you can't move to the next level in your relationship.
• United States
2 Jan 07
Is she really going to see her family or is she seeing someone else? It sounds kinda weird to me if she's gone that long every day or every other day. And she doesn't want you to go with her and gets upset because you do want to go, sounds like she is trying to hide something to me.
@anushri (961)
• India
2 Jan 07
well i dont know y she daily wnt to meet her parents once in a month is ok y daily u shud talk with her
@Geethika (24)
• United States
2 Jan 07
dear friend,I have understood your problem,one compliment from me is you love your fiance very much even she hurts you,be like that only, and my answer is love your fiance more and more if she hurts also she will automatially turns out for your love and listens to your words yes its true because love has that much power the love you show to her will make her to forget to go daily to her family and she will make yours and their family happy.so dont fight and be patient one fine day she will turns to you.mean wile you try to make good opinion to their family so it will be easy to understand what is you to your finace.so love will make everything possible,so a good relationship starts from true love.
• Philippines
2 Jan 07
The relationship is not yet ruined. it only needs a litle bit of understanding and giving. you love her for what she is and not what she is not. I know you have tried talking but it didnt get nowere. But Please be observing in your soroundings you will never now what will come up or happen.
@ChewySpree (1832)
• United States
2 Jan 07
It sounds like you really should go to couples counseling before you get married. It's unfortunate that her mother does not like you, but if there is any way you and she could make amends it would certainly help the situation. The way you have outlined it here, your relationship is unhealthy for many reasons. I think only a professional can help you resolve your issues.
@Kelly16 (252)
• Philippines
2 Jan 07
I can't tell if the relationship is already ruined or not. All I can say is that sometimes when we love someone so much we are blinded by the truth. Our feelings get into the way of seeing what is real or what is really going on. We always want to hold on to that person because we love that person so much. I must tell you to leave something for your self don't give it all, don't put yourself in a situation where you will be sorry in the end and get hurt. Don't make love an excuse, love should not make you suffer. Love is suppose to make you happy. Can you still see love in what she is doing? You are lucky that you are not yet married and no kids. Give it a thought if you want to live with her for the rest of your life and feel that way and be left alone in the house almost everyday and if you will have kids in the future and she will continue doing that*avon* thing your kids will suffer too. Give it a thought. I do wish good things will happen to you.
@eseomame (1146)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Ok, you definitely can't go on like this... I know you may have attempted discussing with her several times, but you have to make a decision and you have to make it fast. You should have a final talk with her (discussing everything that's bothering you). This should help you set your mind on what's going to happen next, so you don't keep your life on hold. Good luck.
@meeoww (1174)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Well, I always say that you can't EXPECT someone to change when you marry them. If they do change, hey, that's a bonus! If you can't accept them as they are before you get married then you shouldn't get married. This girl does not show you the respect as a fiancee' that she would need to be showing you as her husband. And what, if you're married, are you going to spend all of your holidays by yourself while she stays over there all day? That'd kinda suck, wouldn't it? I don't know if she's cheating or not. But it sounds like it's not out of the question, either. Check to see what the actual mileage is from your house to theirs then keep an eye on the mileage, or have someone do a drive-by for you to see if your car is parked there. Mostly, from what she says, she shows that she is too dependent on her family and is not ready to be committed to any adult relationship, as many have pointed out before me. She IS using avon as an excuse because, yes it can all be done by phone and internet, as well as she only gets shipments once every other week. It does no good to go over there 5 or 6 times a week when you only put in one order for everything at the same time. If she's putting in more than 1 order for the same order period then she's getting charged extra for it. Let her know that you two need to start working on the relationship if you expect it to work out. By the way, I wouldn't call someone I love an a$$hole, and I wouldn't stand for anyone calling me that either. She manipulates you because she knows that you will feel badly and give in. Stand up for yourself, man. I would love for someone to put me on a pedestal because that's what I do for any man that I'm in a relationship with. Personally, I think that you deserve better than what you've got. Best wishes to you.
• Philippines
2 Jan 07
dont be demanding. love unconditionally. patience. and most of all love her for who she is.
@trysameer (219)
• India
2 Jan 07
i can understand your position dear...but this what we call a life...and we can't do anything for it..!
• India
2 Jan 07
i feel really sorry for you. either you're one of those guys for whom love is the ultimate truth, or you've wronged some lady sometime and you're now getting paid back. its obvious that your fiancee sees you as her financial ladder. its very convenience for her too, what with your mom being her boss! for your fiancee, its a marriage of convenience (though i doubt there will ever be a marriage) get out immediately, before she walks off with your entire bank balance.
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
2 Jan 07
If you have to ask.... :P sorry, but I think it's done. She sounds like she's being selfish, and doesn't sound like she wants to spend much time with you, but yet, she likes your car, your home, you're money, everything you're doing for her. Or, something else is going on. Really sounds like she's using you though. My family lives an hour away, and I get along with my parents pretty good, but I can't afford, nor do I want to be going over there every day. Start the new year off right, and get rid of her, I think you'll be much better off without the stress. Good luck!
• India
2 Jan 07
FIGHTING WITH YOUR mate is not a solution to yo improve your relationship.....it is a human tendency that a person does that vwork which he is not allowed to do...so donot again n again fight over this.....also these types of things happen in new relationships...so nothing to panic this is not the end of relationship.....
@82idiots (595)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Well, my friend, that's the name of the game! Relationships hurt and cohabitating is hard! That's why I advise not worrying about it. Just come together for fun, when it's natural, then let things gravitate away. it's the only way to be honest with yourself, have some fun, and NOT grow tired and intolerant of each other! Really, expect things to go bad and they just might get a little better. Let her carry herself. Be rude at times. Lay down the law. Cut loose if it doesn't work out! Man, you got nothing to lose! I'm serious! This is why relationships don't work. People are always trying to accomodate other's dislikes. Just live your life and let her live hers.