Looking For Some Advice..Before I Go Totally Insane....

United States
January 1, 2007 11:00am CST
For nearly 3 months my husband's grandmother has been in the hospital and it don't look like she'll be getting out anytime soon. Well my husband's mom believes that we should be there at the hospital every single day. And this is causing some thick tension (can almost cut it with a butter knife type tension), because we can not be at the hospital every single day especially since we are basically living from paycheck to paycheck and cannot really afford gas as it is. We do go visit his grandma once a week, but we are now being told that is not enough and that we aren't being supportive enough towards his mom, which we have been there for her as much as we possibly can along with trying to maintain our own lives without going into debt up to our ears. We also got his brother practically yelling at us for not going to the hospital more and he don't even come here to make a few visits of his own. We are really starting to feel that our lives are not important and that trying to support our own family that we have created has to be put on hold just because someone is in the hospital. Now don't get me wrong we know that all family is important, but what more can we do, we cannot hold everyone's hand.
4 people like this
33 responses
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Jan 07
Your husband needs to tell them why this is not possible. They're being very unreasonable. Maybe you could tell them that you'll visit once a week and phone on the other days.
• United States
2 Jan 07
My husband and I have discussed this and have decided that we will call on the days that we can't be there. We are hoping that this will help quiet the tension that has been building.
@shooie (4986)
• United States
2 Jan 07
hey there I kinda know how you feel. But my husbands mother was in the hospital for a while. We lived in Cali and well she was in SC we made arrangements to go and visit. We went everyday because well that was the reason we went to SC but his family expected us to stay in SC just pack up and move. We both had jobs in Cali. It would be different if it were your mom or his mom. I mean don't get me wrong grandmother is just as important. You go once a week that is plenty and if you can squeeze another day in on your day off here and there that would be awesome. But she is in the hospital being taken care of so you are not needed in that aspect. Until the brother gets his a$$ down there and visits he needs to shut up. He of all people shouldn't be saying anything. But he's probably getting an ear full that you guys aren't coming and he probably feels guilty and so he has to yell at someone. Just take a stand. You guys have a house and future to think of as well and they should understand that. To this day we see my husbands mom once a week. She was put in a home by his father. Just be strong you aren't doing anything wrong not going everyday.
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thank you for your support. My husband and I have been close to tears on many ocassions, because with the many attempts we have made trying to get them to see that we just can't be there everyday, and since we can't doesn't mean we care any less. I agree it is not right for my husband's brother to be yelling at us for not being there more, when he hasn't been here once. I know that it's hard, but it makes it even harder when it seems all of it is being placed on our shoulders. But we will continue to be as strong as we can be, just sometimes even the strongest person(s) get beat down.
@shooie (4986)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Yes I agree even the strongest canbe beat down. Before we moved to South Carolina I told my husband he needed to tell his family I am not meaning me am gunna not find a job so I can stay home and take care of his mother so she can come back home. I love her dearly and she likes me but no I can't.
1 person likes this
@tanaclark (570)
• United States
2 Jan 07
I know how you feel. My family does the same. They want to be telling me exactly what I should be doing. Yet they dont do the things they tell me I need to do. My mom was hospitalized in March and I stayed by her side but when my children needed to be tended to then I did that. I Knew that my mom was in good hands and that my being there was more for me then her. I mostly just was there because I wanted her to know I was there and it made me feel better. But to go to the hospital everyday for a relative that is in there because of age or mild illnesses I think once a week visits are acceptable. You do only what you feel you can do. Your immediate family comes first.
• United States
3 Jan 07
I just want to take the time and thank everyone for their replies and support. Sorry I cannot individually reply to everyone I've been up since 5:30 am working and taking care of things around the house so I am pretty wiped out at the moment. We all sat down yesterday and had a big discussion and finally got through to everyone that we are doing the best we can. My husband's brother is still being a bit of a hard head, but we have pretty much started to ignore his ranting at us. Again thanks! My husband and I really appreciate the support we have found on here. *hugs to all*
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
2 Jan 07
you should tell ppl (even though its your family) that you just cant do it and if they would like to PAY FOR NOT LOAN THE MONEY your gas to get there every day then you'll do what you can otherwise its just not possible....As hard as it is there are times when you are torn but you have to take the best route for you and yours bottomline.... When my youngest was in the hospital for the first 5 mths of his life (he was a preemie) I rarely went to the hospital..I couldnt...dragging my two other young children there wasnt fair to them, the hospital was an hour away from me, i dont drive and my husband worked here in the U.S (we were living in canada at the time) and I needed to be at home with and for my two other children....Ppl didnt agree with it and in fact some of the hospital staff in the Neonatal got downright rude with me about it but bottomline was I just couldnt do it and there was nothgin I could do about it...did that mean I loved my son any less? HELL NO! did that mean I didnt care? HELL NO! It was, unfortuately the way it had to be..and even though ppl had the balls to b!tch at me about it, I didnt see any of them offering to help me out..so I was stuck making that choice.... if none of the complainers are goin to help you THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO! You go as often as possible and that has to be good enough..You can pull miracles out your bottom and your family needs to realize that...if they keep giving you a hard time I would confront them on how it makes you feel and I would call them to step up and help out....if its THAT important to your mum in law, brother in law etc then why arent they offering to pay for your gas or arrange rides or whatever? Ppl are so quick to natter but never want to step up and help...I'm sorry you are goin through this, its hard and so unfair that you are being treated this way...
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
2 Jan 07
I wish we had an "edit" feature here damn it... "You CAN'T pull miracles out your bottom and your family needs to realize that"
@inovator (603)
• Philippines
2 Jan 07
be cool,just pray to help you!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
At this point I believe the higher powers are fed up with my prayers I have had prayed so much through this time. Thank you for your reply and support
• United States
2 Jan 07
If you haven't already I would repeat everything you said in your first post in this topic to your husband's mom and your husband's brother.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
We have tried to talk on many ocassions and on several ocassions I have even told my husband's mom that we can't always be around to hold someone's hand through hard times, seeing as we have our own lives to get through as well. It's never an easy deal when someone is in the hospital and I believe it makes it just as hard if not harder on a person, if they are practically told that their attempts at being supportive are not good enough. But what can a person do really when other's won't listen. Thanks for your reply and support.
@xXmeganxX (4422)
2 Jan 07
ive had this problem when my grandad was in hospital, he was in for about 4 months and id not long had a baby, he knew i was busy sorting my life out etc and just settling down into a new home, i wouldn't mind going every day after all because he did bring me up as a child from the age of 10 to 15, i loved helping him out but the hospital where he was, was very far from my house, i don't have a car so i had to take 3 buses up there with a big pram when i wanted to see him, all my family thought i was selfish and as i said my grandad knew i was a very busy person but i totally ignored my family because they wouldn't believe me and my grandad said okay, you don't be bringing this baby up to here this far and stay at home and sort yourself out, just ring me every day and i did, but what the family doesn't seem to understand is that i have a busy life but all they think about is themselves.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thanks for your reply and support!
1 person likes this
@mikaghi (389)
• United States
2 Jan 07
have a serious, heart to heart talk with ur mom in law. u need to have a straight talk before situation goes out of hand.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thanks for your reply and support. At this point we will try anything.
@jfeets726 (775)
• United States
2 Jan 07
I also think that you can and so do as much as you can. If that is only getting there once a week, then it is only getting there once a week. When my great grandmother was in a hospital nursing home, we all started out going just about everyday, but then life had to somewhat return back to normal for us all. Of course, her daugther, my grandma, went to visit her every single day. In our situtation she knew that we were getting there as often as we could. I am sure that overtime your family will realize that. But, until then, I would just keep on doing what you are doing. Good luck and I hope that your situation improves.
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thanks I hope it does to, but that is something only time will tell. Thanks for your reply and support!
@ebsharer (5517)
• United States
2 Jan 07
you should not visit her much more then you already did before she went in the hospital. now if you never went to visit then once a week will do.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thanks for your reply and support! It's appreciated
• United States
2 Jan 07
Family members be damned. If you can't afford something, you can't afford it. I would conticue to see Grandma as often as you're able, but not to the point that you're going to be going broke over it. If Grandma understands that you're making an effort to be with her as often as you can, then you have nothing to worry about. Your hubbys Mom needs to be reminded that you both love Grandma too, but that you need to keep a bit of common sense in your lives. Spending every waking moment at that hospital isn't going to pay your bills nor will it keep a roof over your head. I would let Mom know that your becoming homeless to appease her isn't going to help the situation at all, unless she's got enough money to cover all of your bills so you can spend your time as she sees fit. Let her know that you want to be with Grandma too, but that unless you are logical about it, you won't be able to go at all. I would tell the brother where to get off, and that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's a very difficult situation and I feel for you. I hope Grandma recovers quickly.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thanks I hope she does to. I have been close to most of my husband's family and sometimes I wish we could be at the hospital every day, but we just can't. I am thinking it is more to be there for my husband's Mom, because most of the time when we go to the hospital his grandma is asleep or in an incoherent state so much so that she don't even recognize who we are at times when we visit. It's hard on us all seeing her that way, but again there is only so much we can do in this situation.
• United States
1 Jan 07
Do what you can when you can, let mom know that and everyone else be darned. Let grandma know when you come to see her, she's the important one anyway right now and keep your promises, otherwise take care of yourselves, the worst is coming soon
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thanks for your reply and support.
• India
2 Jan 07
I was very close to my grandfather, he used to play football with us as kids and he was a whole load of fun to be around. Both of my grandparents were. Weekends were mostly spent with them. I used to go as a kid to spend the weekend with them because I really wanted to. My grandparents lived in this little wooden house amongst trees and a big big yard in Newark, California... eventually they moved to a new house and also a new job, but this particular place was special. so i do think that u should go to the hospital to meet him thrice a weak at least,i do think that he will definately like ur response towards them
@rhinoboy (2129)
2 Jan 07
I've been in exactly that situation. I would suggest that you speak openly with your husband about this. It may make hime feel better if he could maybe go twice a week or something, only because he may regret not going after the worst happens. As for what the others say, screw them! You are correct in saying that you need to look after your own family instead of running yourselves into the ground to look after others. I had to make that break last year. Surprisingly, I was just straight with everyone concerned, that I have my own family who I must care for and cannot take their problems on board too. They never said much about it, just accepted that i have problems to solve too. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
2 Jan 07
i sincerely pray for you . i pray that there is a solution that would suit all. i am sure God will reward your patience and good nature.
1 person likes this
@jenbatres (800)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Grandma has been in the hospital a long time, tell them once a week is all you can afford to visit. If it's not long distance for you call and check in on her daily. You have a family too, other family members can step up to the plate to visit grandma. By the way chances are she doesn't want people there all the time, most people in a hospital need rest and visitor take alot out of the patient. . .I used to work in a hospital.
1 person likes this
@allg2006 (22)
• China
2 Jan 07
Will ensure own life first to respect old person better.
1 person likes this
@Khokhonut (702)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Have you talked to the rest of the family and expalined to them that it is a hardship for you financilly? Maybe they aren't understanding that and think you just aren't taking the time they think you should. Perhaps have a heart to heart with them and see if it helps the situation at all.
1 person likes this
@goldjay (465)
• United States
2 Jan 07
That does sound like a tough situation but personally I feel like you have to live your own lives. If you can't afford the time or gas money to get there than that's just the way it is. You have to work to support yourselves and you have to have some sort of life! Maybe there are other ways you can support his mother perhaps by cooking her a meal or by doing something else that would help her out. Good luck.
• India
2 Jan 07
Tell her that you can't. Mabey try on just the weekends.
1 person likes this