Giving up myself for being a mother

United States
January 4, 2007 8:51am CST
I'm not sure if it's my age...just climbed over thirty, or the passing of the year but I woke up in the middle of the night and thought to myself...why isn't anything about me anymore? I'm sure there are a lot of other women out there that know what I'm talking about...why do we mothers tend to give up all our interests, quit taking good care of ourselves, and give our all to our children? I've decided in this new year I am still going to give my all to my children but what kind of a mom am I if I don't take care of my needs and develop my interests?
12 people like this
67 responses
@peaceful (3286)
• United States
4 Jan 07
Please don't even THINK about giving up the YOU that you really are! :) Your children are going to need to learn what is really good about Life and they are mostly going to learn about it from you! :) Some women make the big mistake of becoming a "mechanical mommie" and then wonder why their children don't really connect with them as human beings... My senses tell me that you are a kind and vibrant person with a highly energetic Intelligence and possibly a lot to offer the World as well as own your children, too! Perhaps you are having one of those "Introspective lulls" that thiinking people are known to have every now and then... Relax, feel everything about this moment and think it though... It will pass and your True Self will win the day! :) You must be YOU for yourself as well, I've a feeling that you already know the truth in this and that your Instincts will guide you rightly... They have for years now! :) May Joy, Abundance and Peace move into your house and never leave! May Vibrancy Herself return to you, like a long lost but Beloved Best Friend... And may Happiness and Freedom land on your windowsill, build a permanent nest and sing sweetly to you forever! :) Have an excellent Life! :)
@rosey3223 (1569)
• United States
5 Jan 07
I want to thank you for this discussion. I was only suppose to be on here to look at my stats when I saw this and I had to take "my" minute to respond. I have read most of the comments that have been left and I feel that I should no longer "hide" how I feel no matter who reads this. I live in a house with many people, 7 people to be exact, 2 separate households. I had my son a year ago, and since then I have felt very much invisible. I clean the house the best that I can due to the fact that my baby is very clingy and won't let me do anything or go anywhere in the house without my holding him or being near, so it is very hard for me to do a whole lot. I do not go out because there really is no where for me to go during the day, so I am home alone the majority of the time--well, I do have my children but how long can you really hold a conversation with a year old baby and a 7 year old? LMAO!! I ask, no let me say that I beg my fiance to help me out around the house and with the kids, but he doesn't. He comes home from work and then immediately goes outside to "fix" the vehicles whether they need it or not. When everyone does come home, no one bothers to at least say "Hi", and when I am struggling with my baby, no one is there to relieve me of the stress. And the sadest part to me is that the only "alone" time that I am "aloud" is to take a shower. We are not made of money, my fiance and I have been together for 4 years now and have only been out maybe 10 times. So it is hard just for me to go somewhere. I have actually went as far as to say I was going out for a walk no matter what anyone was doing, but the vehicles or something was more important. I feel that I am being taken for granted and that no one really cares about me as long as the house is presentable and the kids are taken care of...but what about me? I understand that when I decided to have my first son at 20 that I was going to lose a lot of "me", but now I can't even remember who I am. And that is not fair. It is not fair for ANYONE, any PARENT to have to go through that. I am VERY sorry that you are going through this, and that you feel that way. I pray that you TAKE the opportunity to take the time needed to take care of you. You, as ALL parents/mothers, are the most important because you are what keeps your house together.
@april444 (1342)
• United States
5 Jan 07
amen to that we are what keeps it togeather!!
• United States
5 Jan 07
It sounds to me like you are being a wonderful mother, even at such a young age. I think, from what you have described, that maybe you need to take a good look at your relationship with your boyfriend. You have enough responsibility the way it is. If he is not willing at all to give you a little break then I can understand why things look so bleak to you. You need to be happy in your personal relationship too so that your child is in a happy home. The house can be neat as a pin but if you are miserable it won't make any difference.
@rosey3223 (1569)
• United States
5 Jan 07
Thank you to the both of you. But to juliekay, you are right. I have not been happy for a year now (gee, that's how old our baby is!! LoL!!). I have been doing some major thinking and honestly I want to leave, but I don't have the money to. I am very unhappy!!! I already have an ex-husband that didn't take care of me and my first child, I don't want to go through it again...not again!!! But thank you!!!
@rainbow (6763)
4 Jan 07
I'm sure many moms feel just the way you do, some days I wonder who I am because all I do is what someone else wants or needs me to do from early morning to late at night. It's not that I resent my family or begrudge them ruling my life but the only time I really have is when I take my newty-dog for a walk. I have made a point of getting a shower and getting ready, including hair and make-up before I do the School-run. My 7 year old has managed with much coaching to dress himself and the 3 year old hasn't needed much help for ages as he gets himself ready while I struggle with Bong. I feel very selfish but at some point, whatever his specail needs my son has to learn to do stuff himself. My partner has had over 2 weeks off work and has only made 1 cup of tea the whole time, he does nothig in the home at all, maybe if I retrained all 3 of then I'd get to remember who I am and so be more benefit to them.
@peaceful (3286)
• United States
4 Jan 07
Strength be with you, Rainbow! Your family must be made to understand they are a part of your Life, a very important part of your Life, but they are not ALL of your Life. Your Freedom to grow into your own person must not become compromised if your family is to florish... Bleesings to you and yours! :)
• Philippines
22 Jan 07
similar to your situation, i am 40 and a mother to two lovely daughters, my life is now focused on them and my husband and i tend to forget about myself... but as i always say we have to continue growing. our family will be more than happy to see us growing like them... i think all we need to do is to talk to them about what we're going through. we have responsiblity to our family however let us not forget our responsibility to ourself. godbless.
• New Zealand
19 Jan 07
your post is timely as i've been thinking about this too. one big fear of mine is waking up 20 years later, kids all grown, and me not knowing what to do with myself and not even knowing what I like/don't like, can/ can't do anymore. worse, waking up next to the stranger that my husband has become with the kids having flown the coop. so as early as now, I remind myself to leave a little for myself at the end of the day. to love my child, but also love my husband and love myself. to care for my toddler but also take care of me. to be selfish sometimes and not make it always about the baby or about my husband; sometimes it has to be about me too. also, caring for a preschooler now, I find that it can be too easy to make excuses not to take care of myself and make the toddler and/or the husband the excuse. but they shouldn't be, and I shouldn't be using chores as excuses to hide from the world, or as excuses to not strive to take better care of myself.
• Ukraine
5 Jan 07
that was a very good way of tirdying up personal stress,you have to feel what you want for your self
@rubypatson (1843)
• India
5 Jan 07
I know i am doing the same here, we women or so selfless that we care for our family more then we care for ourselves, and then there is not time also if we do want to spend some extra time on ourselves
• Kuwait
5 Jan 07
why are thinking like thAT?arent you happy being a mother?why can join some club and group to enhance your motherhood and being a woman, not just to be at home and cook and feed your kids but to give more knowledge and upportunity for you to shine as a good mother.think about it..
5 Jan 07
i always think when my kid was to small whole night changing diapers,washing that,even go to tiolet when he is sleeping,is that is life,but now he is little grown up,i do;nt think like that now i have all time companion,even when i had an arguement with my husband,he comes to me,it gives lot of joy.he tends to increase my interests,now he accompanies me in my interests walk with me,dance with me ,play with me,for me he is now more then my life.
@GardenGerty (81431)
• Marion, Kansas
5 Jan 07
If you can not do healthy things for yourself, it is very difficult to do things for your kids. Have a good year. This sounds like a good New Year resolution/decision.
@manong05 (5031)
• Philippines
5 Jan 07
I personally believe that "looking after the children" and "looking after oneself as a mother" is not an "either-or" case, meaning giving up the other for the other, either this or that.On the contrary,it is a "both-and" kind of case. Both are equally important and neither must be sacrificed for the sake of the other. Both are important factors on both sides of the equation. However, there are certainly some changes in the way we look after ourselves when we were still singles. But it is not correct to give up ALL of your interests and QUIT taking good care of yourselves. That is swinging to the other extreme side of the pendulum. I am not aware of the specifics of your particular case but I can assure you there must be a better way. It was not mentioned in your posting whether you are a single mom or live with your husband. If it's the latter, a good heart to heart talk with the husband will be very very benificial. After all how can you give your best to the children if you yourself is not in the best shape physically and emotionally and have needs that are not met. Finally I admire you for your great concern for your children and for your willingness to do anything for them. Your kind is getting less and less in today's generation. Your family is very lucky having you as a mom.
@trixyteddy (1072)
• India
5 Jan 07
I'm 50 right now and have two sons aged 22 and 18. Let me tell you, they love be being someone rather than a person just sitting at home and doing only homey homey things. So go on, get out and get going. You'll be happy and so will you family. (Only beware of one figure - if your husband is cool, then no probs, or else stand up for yourself, but love them all)
@KrauseHome (29966)
• United States
5 Jan 07
That is a Good thought. I know how sometimes even though I am not a mother, as I could never have any, but how sometimes you can allow yourself to get so busy and tied up with things in life, you quit caring about you, and the things in life, and you go day to day just feeling as if you're there, with no real purpose. Even with having a Full time job somedays I just feel like I am loosing track of things, and not getting acomplished what I really need to do. I am sure we are not the only ones here who feel like we need to sometimes place some of the focus back on us, and who we are, and want to be, and let things happen as they come. Wishing you the best in 2007.
• India
5 Jan 07
mom..wat a beautiful word it is..my age is twenty..im not upto ur age to advise but i can tell about my mom..sharing,carin,love,affection etc etc..this is the real meaning for mother..god gifted mothers to take care of their relationship..y do v call terasa as mother terasa..think about it
• United States
5 Jan 07
I feel like I gave myself up when I got pregnant and morning sickness kicked in. Since then I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll work on that too for the new year.
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
5 Jan 07
I have always taken a few minutes each day even when my children were young and at home for me and alone time. To relax, read, take a soaking bath, listen to soothing music, take a walk or something. My children learned to respect this and found they too enjoyed time to themselves if only for 15 to 20 minutes and it made our family healthier and stronger and respected one another for it better. Children can be and are demanding. I always made them take a 30 minute nap, sometimes I did too, or did something for myself in that time. There is nothing wrong with that and you need to do it.
• India
5 Jan 07
this was a real nice topic of discussion. i ahve been doing social work for underprivileged people. when i go to slum areas i realise one thing that females are not being treated properly. they are just looked upon as a mere source of reproducing babies. i feel a woman shud be respected atth e most and it is the duty of the husband to take care of the woman. i wud like to tell all the mothers..that care for urself..u have just one life..dont let it go waste
@getnbuy (1315)
• United States
5 Jan 07
As a "retired" mother looking back, I would say it is detrimental to your family if you neglect yourself. If a mother has quit pursuing her interests and has let herself go, she is not being a very good Mom. She needs to be interesting so she can inspire her children. she needs to look respectful so her children will respect her. Also, they will not respect her if she gives everything to them. They need to learn to share, sacrifice, give.
@anup12 (4184)
• India
5 Jan 07
No I do not agree with you sacrifices have to be made the moment you become a mother but of ocurse you should look after your body as well
• United States
5 Jan 07
This is a complete discription of me. My goal this year is to at least try to make it to the gym for myself more then the once a week I have been going! I am also going to really try to find some alone time even if it is just peeing alone!