She betrayed my trust,but am i overreacting? Am I worrying about nothing?!!
By rallymercado
@rallymercado (307)
Philippines
January 13, 2007 8:53pm CST
Recently, I let my partner, of 2 years, in on a secret that only few people know,in fact, only my family knew of it. I told her that information is strictly between her and I. I felt she needed to know to make a decision regarding if she still wanted to be with me. She was not phased by what I told her, she simply said "You have nothing to be ashamed of because I loved you not for what you have but for what you are". I was happy with what she said and educated her of what I have. I thought it was the end of it. Then I met her mother for the first time last week and I felt extremely bad vibes emanating. I questioned my partner about it and she acknowledged that she had told her mother and brother. I reacted with sense of calm but deep inside I was infuriated. She completely broke my trust because of socity's perception of what I have, I did not want anyone knowing. It hurts that you place a certain degree of trust in someone that you care deeply for, and hen they betray that trust. What do you believe I should do?
11 people like this
65 responses
@xkaraix (595)
• Australia
14 Jan 07
It's really up to you in the end but if you told her that you did definately did not want her mentioning it to ANYONE else and she goes and tells people I don't know if I could trust them again. And how would you know if it happens again, she may lie. I think if its something so serious and she couldn't keep it secret I couldn't stay in the relationship
3 people like this
@rallymercado (307)
• Philippines
14 Jan 07
Yes I have this doubt with her. I do not know if I could trust another secret with her(if another secret comes up). Well, I love this girl so much but I do not know if I could get through this. By the way, I'm still with her but she does not know how I feel about the incident.
1 person likes this
@temujin3031 (12)
• Philippines
15 Jan 07
get her side of the story, ask her why did she do it then base on her answer you make your decision. if you really love her, you can forgive her, forget the past, have hope for the future but live in the present.
@kesfylstra (1868)
• United States
14 Jan 07
It is very sad, and that is something you will have to deeply contemplate if you want to stay with her. However, think also that she may have been upset and confused, and perhaps just needed someone to talk to. Yes she should have come to you first, but when someone is faced with something big, they don't always think straight.
@rallymercado (307)
• Philippines
14 Jan 07
That is what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm trying to think that she was just confused that she wanted to let her feelings out to someone close to her. It is just sad that after that 2 long years, she have done something that would make me doubt her.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
14 Jan 07
She may have told her mum because maybe she needed questions answered and if this secret can make you feel ashamed, she may feel that she cannot trust you either because you have kept this secret from her for 2 years.
Her mum should have not let on to you that she was not happy, as at the end of the day it is not her you are going out with.
Also, how did your family react to your partner, knowing your secret but aware that she didn't know?
Sometimes we do confide in our mums and this is quite normal.
If she is ok with you and has decided not to end the relationship then you know that what you have told her has made no difference. If other people feel differently, thats their problem. We can't please everyone.
Don't be too hard on her. Obviously she still loves you.
Maybe you should both make a pact to not keep secrets and just discuss your concerns amongst yourselves without bringing in your families.
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
14 Jan 07
Not knowing what your secret is, its hard to understand where you are coming from.
However your partner may be the one person to free you from this obvious pain and maybe they can help you through this.
If you did make a pact to not tell each other your deepest secrets, do you feel now you shouldn't have said anything.
Although 'a problem shared is a problem halfed.'
I sincerely wish you happiness and hope everything works out for the best.
1 person likes this
@rallymercado (307)
• Philippines
14 Jan 07
In the first place, I kept this a secret even to her because I do not want anybody to know about this. This incident is what I'm afraid to happen. Now, I do not have the choice but to face what is going to happen next. I have not told my family that she knows about this secret and I have no intentions of telling them. We are still TOGETHER but she does not know what I feel. We had a pact about certain things but we came to an agreement to hide some of our deepest secrets. Now, I do not have anything to hide from her. I just hope things turn out fine.
2 people like this
@benks420 (215)
• Canada
14 Jan 07
She could have shared this secret only wanting another point of view, or support on decisions she might have to make. My suggestion to you would be to talk with her about it and let her know how upset you were when you found out that she had told someone. Let her know that you want your secret to be kept a secret. Make her realize that its a secret for a reason and if she needs help from someone then she should talk to you about it or let you know that she is going to talk to someone about it and make sure its ok with you. Don't do anything drastic, just talk about it with her and findout why she told someone. It may hurt, but whats done is done, and if she means as much as she seems then you should be able to try and work this out together. Good Luck.
1 person likes this
@rallymercado (307)
• Philippines
14 Jan 07
I'm trying to think that she just wanted some advice from others. It makes me sad because she should have asked me first if she could share this secret with others. My secret is very confidential and I would not like anyone to know about it. Even with my family, I'm ashamed about this. Until now, I have not told my partner that I'm angry with what she did. I love this girl but I do not know what to do. Without trust, what is the point of our relationship.
1 person likes this
@benks420 (215)
• Canada
14 Jan 07
You need to talk to her. You wont solve anything by yourself. A relationship takes two people to make it work. Let her know that you were upset but don't act really upset and get her all worked up. Just ask her why she told people and tell her that she should have told you first. If she understands and feels the same for you that you feel for her, then she should accept the fact that you want that to be a secret. If you don't talk to her then you don't know why she told someone else, and she doesn't know how you feel about it so she might tell another person.
Talk To Her! You Need to Man!
1 person likes this
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
14 Jan 07
If you have an open communication with your partner, try explaining why it bothered you first. Then if that person doesn't understand or doesn't think it's a big deal then they aren't respected your thoughts or feelings. That might be a warning sign you might not work out. Good luck.
2 people like this
@kareng (54301)
• United States
14 Jan 07
She basically destroyed your trust in her. You asked for this to stay between the two of you and had every right to expect her to keep her word. No, you have every right to be upset. If you have been dating for 2 years, she should have had enough respect for you to keep her word and honor the agreement between the two of you.
I would be very hesitant to trust her from now on, but you need to talk to her and find out why she betrayed you.
1 person likes this
@mangmamani (134)
• Philippines
14 Jan 07
Aw thats sad. Trust is something that is very important in a relationship. What if you try to talk about it. And try to find out why did she did it. And may be you could find a good reason why she did it. So communication is as important as in trust. So talk about it ok. And GOOD LUCK!
1 person likes this
@hassanchop (820)
• United States
14 Jan 07
I see both sides of the issue on this one. On one hand, I believe that it should almost be assumed that if she has a close relationship with her family. On the other hand, she should have at least told you how close she is with her mother, and if you did tell her not to tell anyone including her mother about this, and she told her mother anyways, you're right to be that mad. I don't think you should leave her over it though.
1 person likes this
@HaileY326 (82)
• Philippines
14 Jan 07
what she did was really wrong o think you should talk to her and ask her what made her to tell that secret to her family ask her for an explanation on why did she do that
@cyb3rjunk13 (470)
• United States
14 Jan 07
You should have this thing in your mind that Sometimes even lying or breakin your promise if it is for a good reason and in favour of relation is fair.With your situation if you really love that girl then you should think that she would have done this for a good reason.May be she does it because may be she would have thought that it wd be in favour of a relation And if it isnt then ya you should make her understand that she does wrong.
Marriage and meeting your soul mates parent is one of the decision of your life.You have to think very optimistically for that.If she does it then may be she was thinkin very optimistically that the secret wont have a good effect on you peoples life and she should tell her parents.
I think love is all about compromising you should make her understand.
1 person likes this
@fatling (16)
• United States
14 Jan 07
You really need to tell her how you feel. Otherwise you will continue to fume about it on the inside, asking yourself 'how could she?' but never getting an answer. If you talk about this, tell her how much it hurt you when she betrayed your trust, it may go a long way towards mending this wound.
@nutcase222 (676)
• India
14 Jan 07
dont jump into any conclusion...jss talk to her about how u felt,this will certainly help...she should realize that so that in future such things are not repeated...talk to her in a way that u want to let her know how u felt n not in a way to make her feel guilty...2 years is a lot of time,,,i guess u both have that much of understanding!
1 person likes this
@sexymuma (1261)
•
14 Jan 07
yes i understand that you feel hurt,but as you say you have something,and it obviosly had to be something that could effect your girlfriend in some sort of way talk to her she may have had her own fears,but she did not feel that she had to run from you and wants to except you for who you are so,talk i am sure that you can work this out as i say she is still be your side,talk it through,lolx
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
14 Jan 07
I hate to trust someone only to find out that you shouldn´t. if I tell someone a secret, the hope isd that it will stay like that. I have learned through the years that it is better not to say anything though and That the only person you can trust 100% is yourself and your mom =)
1 person likes this
@vinod4net (628)
• India
14 Jan 07
Yes you are correct in saying that she she broke your trust, but its also possible that she needed a bit of guidance or advice on you and for that matter she might have tode her mother and brother, as they may be closest to her when it matters for taking serious decisions for relationships, I hope you still love her and same is true to her also
1 person likes this
@akashsharma (111)
• India
14 Jan 07
well trust is the pillar of any relation . the partener must keep their thing secret if any one of them insist......
1 person likes this
@Capndon (337)
• India
14 Jan 07
I think you need to give more time & let her understand what she did wrong. Rather than react to it just act on it & you might see that helps. It is understandable that you feel insulted, back stabbed etc. etc. trust me I know how that feels. I faced it too. But all you need to do is try make your partner understand that pain & agony you are feeling & I think that should help.
Best Regards
Vinod
@fabwisp (1327)
•
14 Jan 07
Hi...At the risk of offending you (apologies if i do), I feel that whatever this issue is you haven't really come to terms with it yourself. Whatever it is its part of you and you shouldnt be ashamed. It doesnt matter what other people think as long as those closest to you understand the truth.
As far as your girlfriend...she obviously wants to be with you else she would have walked by now. So you need to decide if you want to be with her?
Maybe some counselling might be an option...I dont know. But despite her telling her mum she has proved herself loyal by not running away when you told her.
I think maybe you should tell her how you are feeling and discuss it with her...sounds like you got nothing lose! good luck. xxx
1 person likes this
