Which is your favorite joke?

Me too I like horror jokes

This is not a horror joke. Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Dad's Practical Jokes Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red. Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing practical jokes. This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this? It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo. He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door. I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed. Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So clean. She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul. Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his face. "What's all the fuss about?" Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as she points to the pillow. Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says through closed lips. "Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust. Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real." Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't blame her. "Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds, and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But each time I am so embarrassed. And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house. "Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her father would never play practical jokes. She might not understand." "No worries," says dad. Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia offers--yes--offers to do it. Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin. His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love a good joke.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil," she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelery store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?” The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved!

Q: Where do you find the smartest butter? A: The honor roll very cheesy, but I love it!