Need advise on how to handle marks on son by non custodial father

United States
January 16, 2007 12:08am CST
My son has just returned home from a visit with his father. We have had minor problems in the past, but he really dosent see him that much. My son just turned 5, and is small about 38lbs. His dad was in the military for his first three yrs. and when he had leave he usuallly would see him for a couple hours and bring him home, keep in mind these couple hours were like 1 time per year. He got out of the navy and decided that he was going to work part time as a waiter, and wait for his 19 yr. old girlfriend to finish school. I was like fine but your going to pay the same amount that you always have and cover insurance. Of course he didnt want to do that and told me he couldnt contribute much. At this point i felt I had no choice but to take him to court. I did, it took a long time in the end i got 2 times what he originally gave me for the first few yrs. plus 1/2 med. 1/2 daycare. Obviously that made him irate. He also didnt ask for much custody. He had since moved back to where we were from for 1 yr. He told me he was moving to where his girlfriends family was with 2 weeks notice. They had a company and offered him a decent job. This is his first visit back, its been over 1 yr. since he has seen him. I was trying to be nice since he missed christmas due to the weather, even though he usually dosent follow threw anyway. My son came home with drawn with a rug burn on his face, when i was dressing him for bed, he had one on his chest too. I asked him what happened he said his dad draggged him on hte floor. I asked if they were just playing and it was a accident, my son kind of just changes the subject and he wants to be held since its he just got home, so i didnt want to press it for tonight. What is the best way to handle this situation and if it was in playing let him know as a grown man he has to be more careful with a small child. And if not how to I adress this.
3 people like this
13 responses
• United States
17 Jan 07
Lets see, first ask yourself who do i love more my child or my boyfriend/husband? I think that I would take this matter serious because believe me at the age of 3 hes not going to lie, at least I dont think so.....I mean where would he come up with the idea? But I would approach my boyfriend in such a matter that Im not screaming and I am very calm. Once he denies it, I think that I would probably go crazy because I mean why would a child lie about something so serious but again what if the child id lying and you dont wanana seem like you took your child over the one that you love?
• United States
17 Jan 07
I think you miss read the original question. This is my ex that has legal rights, that i have to abide by until i can prove diffrent in court. I do not have any love for him, he has not been with me for over 4 yrs.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
I agree that very young children rarely lie about such instances & to take whatever your son says as the truth.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
YOUR SON IS VERY SMART FOR HIS AGE, AND I WOULD FULLY ADDRESS THIS ISSUE BECAUSE IT CAN BE SERIOUS LATER.ANOTHER THOUGHT WOULD BE TO TAKE NOTES OF THE OCCURENCES AND IF THEY BECOME FREQUENT THEN YOU MUST REPORT IT. OTHERWISE, HE WILL TURN IT BACK ONTO YOU.SPEAKING FROM PAST EXPERIENCE MYSELF, I JUST GOT MY SON BACK AFTER 6YR BATTLE WITH MY EX, HE LOST. I NOW HAVE FULL PHYSICAL CUSTODY OF MY NOW 13YR OLD SON, WHO THEN WAS 7 1/2YRS OLD. DOCUMENTS DO COME IN HANDY, JUST KEEP TABS ON YOUR SON. GOOD LUCK
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
Yes I had a problem where my children were with their dad and two older boys were body slamming my sons and they came home with scratches and red marks on their necks I called the police and then got a restrainging order they have no visits with him anymore and he better be glad I didn't kill him for hurting my boys.
@nolimits (28)
• United States
17 Jan 07
No, you need to be direct. You need to ask the father exactly what happened and don't cut any corners. He does not need to be told how to be careful with a child he is an adult. This may be a case of child abuse whcih many times lead to murder. You don't want to take any chances with that and if you are not satisfied with his explanation of where the marks come from you should have it investigated by the athourities.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jan 07
I belive your ex has so big explaining to do, as to why those marks are on your child!! For the fact that it looks to me as if he doesnt really care about his child, and now marks are starting to appear on him. You need to talk with the father. Tell him you noticed some marks on him and want to know where they came from, also take pictures of the marks, if he questions the marks and they have disappeared then show the picture with the time stamp on it for proof.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
I immediatly did take pictures, so that when he acts like I am just over reacting I have some proof. He says that they were wrestling. I asked my child if he was happy or mad when he did this, and if they were playing. He says playing, and then he started saying that he got bit by a spider. Which is totally obviously not true, a rug burn does not look like a spider bit especially in more than one place. I have questioned the father he said oh ya we were wrestling. Big suprise huh, my gut tells me that even in that situation it was somthing that my child did not want to be a part of and it obviously hurt him. For now my son is safe he lives about 6 states away,and dosent visit much, its just hard for what i can do in the future.
1 person likes this
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
16 Jan 07
I would be upset, but before I over react I would ask my son what happened and then talk with the father. I would ask my son again. If it wasn't play, then something must be done.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
Thanks, I did ask him, he of course was like oh yea we were wrestling. It just makes me wonder even giving him the benifit of the doubt if he has enough sense to know when that kind of playing can be dangerous.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jan 07
First of all you should have taken pictures while the marks were fresh.Ask the father what happened calmly and just let him know that it would be looked into by the authorities.Then have your son looked at by the dcfs and they have their way of helping children open up and telling them exactly what went on while he was with his dad.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
When it comes to kids there is no waiting find out right away to safe him from this or what is to come...ask you ex don't have no murcey on him he didn't have any for your son if he did do it or not he has to be told that he can't treat anyone like this i'm on the boys side when it come to grown ups and our kids and how they get treated no holding back ask no matter what even if you get the asnwers your not looking at lest you did ask and told him to watch it with your son......
• United States
18 Jan 07
i dont think your son's dad has the knows what it takes to raise a small child. It sounds like something happened maybe because he lost his patience. you said he had a 19 year old girlfriend? was she with the child too?
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
18 Jan 07
My daughter comes home with marks just about everytime she comes home. I ask her what happened "I fell down stairs" or "runnign and tripped" and then I ask my ex husband and ask him the same question. His answers are usually more drawn out than my daughters but they alway match up. I have to keep telling myself that kids have accidents, it happens and try not to overreact. It could have just happened while playing. I know that once I scratched the heck out of my daughter belly playing with her and tickling her. I didn't mean to, it was accident and I am more careful now, but it does legitmately happen sometimes on accident.
@feeding11 (222)
• United States
18 Jan 07
Write this down and keep it. If you persistently see this everytime he has a visitation then you need to speak to your attorney. Please be very careful on this cause abuse is a very touchy subject with any judge. Be careful on who you are asking advise from which is why you should trust your attorney and keep a record. Don't press this with your child but only ask where it came from. And don't talk around him about any of it. Have you ever talked to your son about good touch and bad touch, being 5 I know in kindergarden teachers educate a little on this. I know the thought of your child being harmed in anyway is mind comsuming, but know that he is with you and he knows your love and that you will protect him. Just do your best to not make your child feel in the middle of a situation. Like a tug of war.
• United States
18 Jan 07
Since you say that he does not visit his son very often you may have time to keep bringing this up with your son. The story may be true but still rug burns hurt and no one should play with a child like that. Playing is not causing pain to them. I would continue to question my son about this and see what you can find out from him. It may be that after he knows his dad is not around he will open up to you and let you know what happend. If he did do something you need to file a complaint so that he can not have an unsupervised visit any longer. You do need to be very careful though as you do not want to make any false accusations it will just cause more problems with you and your ex.
@badpenny (741)
• Seagoville, Texas
18 Jan 07
I think you are right to be concerned. I would be very careful about how to handle it. Your ex probably won't tell the whole truth about what happened, and if your son seems evasive when you ask him about it, you may have just cause to worry. In Texas, where I live, you go to your local Child protective services office and request an investigation. That may sound like over-reacting, but it's better to be safe than sorry. You can neve be too careful when it comes to the safety of your child.
@MrNiceGuy (4147)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I think it would probably be innocent. Rug burns aren't anything too serious, but if it is repeated behavoir you should bring it up. I don't think a 5 year old not being able to answer your questions well enough is reason to worry, hes only five. I used to get injuries like that playing with my dad all the time.