Would you rather be the girl or the wife?

Philippines
January 18, 2007 1:00am CST
My friend suddenly asked me about this scenario: Would you rather be the wife who did not know that there is a girl or Would you rather be the girl who knew that there is a wife? As the wife, what you do not know won't hurt you. As for the girl, yes your hurt that you know that when he is not with you, he is with the wife, but at least he is completely honest with you. Who would you rather be?
18 people like this
96 responses
@pusiket (1759)
• Philippines
18 Jan 07
I will rather be the wife - the original girl in my husband's life. It will not hurt me anyways for not knowing there is another girl. Than be the other woman who gets hurt and can never be the first one.
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
I myself would also be rather be the wife who did not know that the other girl existed in my husband's life. At least what I don't know would not hurt me. At this instance, I could spare myself of the hurt and agony I would feel whenever he was not at my side knowing that he might be at another bed.
@missinghim (1339)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I don't agree that what you don't know won't hurt you, because what if they aren't using protection and the mistress gives the husband a venerial disease which he then passes on to his unsuspecting wife. Also, I don't think that it's really possible for a wife to NOT know that her man is cheating. She may turn a blind eye to it, but I think that in the back of her mind she KNOWS that he's cheating. There are a lot of signs that a man puts off, that gives clues as to what he's up to... it's just up to the woman to read these clues. Then there are the women that like fooling around with married men. It's sad, but true.
2 people like this
• Philippines
28 Apr 07
There will really come to a point where this wife would know. But until this happens, I guess I would rather be the wife who did not know. At least if the time happens, it would be one big blow for me to handle and make a decision on this problem. This situations are really very sad and like you said these are very true and unfortunately, they really do happen in life.
@Mtushar87 (488)
• India
19 Jan 07
i would rather be a wife..
2 people like this
• Philippines
28 Apr 07
Well I guess in this case, I also would want to be the wife who did not know. But I guess eventually there will come a time that she would know then I would rather be the girl because as the wife, I might not be able to handle it and would eventually decide to give up the husband. Thank you for your response.
@candygurl24 (1880)
• Canada
19 Jan 07
I would rather be neither the girl nor the wife. I would never put up with my man cheating on me for any reason, and I wouldn't be in the position to be able to be the homewrecker.
2 people like this
• Philippines
24 Jan 07
It would be easy to choose the moral high-ground. I also would not want to be in the shoes of any of the two. But what if you had to choose between the two? Which of the lesser evils would you choose.
@micheller (1365)
• United States
18 Jan 07
That's a hard one there. I don't think I would want to be either because i'm the type of person who would never be with a man that was still with his wife. But, if I had to pick I would rather be the girl because atleast he is being honest with me. But, if he's going behind his wif'e back what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you.
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Jan 07
Well if the man adds another girl then I guess that man is really out of his mind! But in the same case, I would rather not know at least it would spare me of the hurtful feelings.
• Philippines
18 Jan 07
well it hurts to be lied to, but i'd rather be the wife, because in my country there is no divorce and wife has all the claims towards her husband, she has the legal rights over what the man owned and she has the legal rights to sue the girl and her husband if he was proven to have an affair outside marriage. so i could make her and my husband life miserable if i wanted to. furthermore since i didn't know about her, i don't have to feel guilty of spending time with the man i love.
• Philippines
21 Jan 07
Well I guess you have raised good points there but you actually forgot that there is what you call legal separation. In our country, we also do not have divorce but we do have legal separation and annulment. But it is also nice to hear that at least you would not have to feel guilty being with your husband and at least you don't know so it wouldn't bother or hurt you.
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
18 Jan 07
This is a tough one, but I think i'd rather be the girl, then the wife who's husband goes behind her back. If I was the girl, it would mean that I don't mind being a house wrecker for doing that in the first place. I couldn't handle being the wife who doesnt know, because eventually I would know, and it would just destroy me.
2 people like this
• Philippines
21 Jan 07
Well I guess you have a point there but being the girl for me would destroy me little by little until I am consumed, not unless I develop a certain tolerance to the idea that whenever he is not with me he is with her. Although it is better for me since I know the exact scenario of this relationship. It is really hard to deal with the pain of knowing.
• Philippines
18 Jan 07
well ive been the girl and thats how i would prefer it..? its emotionally draining though so dont do it. _
2 people like this
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
Thank you for being candidly hones about this. I do see how it emotionall drained m friend. I do hope that she can try to leave him and get a new guy. But the fact is she really does like the guy very much and could not bare not being with him even though she knows what the situation might bring.
• India
18 Jan 07
if i am a female i would like to be the wife coz even though he has a girl he will come back to only me not her when some thing is wrong...
2 people like this
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
We can never truly say that the husband would always choose the wife. That's why there are divorces and separation because sometimes, the husbands or the wives chooses the third party.
@GardenGerty (106703)
• United States
18 Jan 07
No, I disagree. He is not honest with you if you are the "girl" anymore than if you are the wife. And I do not believe that the wife does not at least sense something wrong, even if there are not cold hard facts. If a man is such a cheat as to cheat on his wife, he is dishonest in other areas of his life. If you are the girl you have to live in fear and concern that there will be another girl when he tires of you. You know he cheated once, you have to know he will cheat again.
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
Actually, this may be true. To set the records straight this is the real story. My friend asked me for an advice. She asked me this question on who would I rather be. I answered that I would rather be the wife who did not know, at least it would spare me the hurt. She answered me that she would also be the wife but unfortunately, in this case, she is the girl who knew that there was a wife. She met this man unexpectedly and have fallen in love with him in just a few days. After something had happened to them in bed, the man confessed that he was married. It came to a shock to her but he said that he really liked my friend very much and that he loved her. The thing is the guy said: we met now that I am married but I am happy with you. My friend is also very happy with him. In defense to my friend, she is not a home wrecker but she really loves this person already and it is really hard for her to let go. I asked her that you only have two choices. Either to walk away but you have to bear with the fact that you are now leaving him and taking the moral high ground or be with him but live with hurting yourself whenever he is not by your side and be the sl_ _ t to everyone's eyes. She confessed that she cannot bear the fact of not being with him and would rather choose to get hurt. One day, she received a text message from the guy telling her not to text or call her for that day because he was with his wife and asks her to understand. She sure does understand but she was madly jelous and hurt. I could only console her as a friend. That's why I tried to ask this question to you guys to help me see what would other people do in this situation.
@hmike_d (1529)
• Philippines
18 Jan 07
i would rather be the man.. lol! suggest to have preference to a wife but she must be sure her husband always at home when off-work. Being a girl is fragile. Because anytime, there's a probability you'll be left alone, leaving you only 1% to be taken back.
2 people like this
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
Well, it could also happen to husbands too you know. I know of a wife who has another man and yet her husband never knew what was going on.
• United States
19 Jan 07
Well..unfortunately I've been a little of both. I was not a wife when there was another girl, I was just the girlfriend, but it still hurt when I found out. I have been the girl, when there was a wife who didnt know about me. I can honestly say I really regret that point in my life, I was MUCH younger, and believed what I was told. Now that I'm married, I know how much it would KILL me if my husband ever had another woman and I ever found out about it, and when I think about how much it would hurt, I think about how much it probably hurt the wife of the man I was with. Though, come to find out..there were several girls while there was a wife..no..that doesnt justify what I did either. This is actually a great topic..because you have to think about whether you want to be the one who gets hurt or who contributes to the hurting, and thats really just a choice I dont think I could ever make. It would be interesting to know how MEN would respond,would they rather be the husband who doesnt know there is another guy, or the boyfriend who knows there is a husband but sticks around even though he doesnt get to wake up with her every morning.
@heartonfire (4131)
• Denmark
18 Jan 07
there are both hurtfull situations,but to be honest...it hurts more to be lied to,and cheated on...while he is having fun with 'the girl'....i have been cheated on,and i was saying to myself when i found out,that i wish i was a s..t ,at least i would enjoy my life as i like,and i wouldn't get hurt,and all the guys would want me ..lol...i know i could never be that way,but you really feel stupid when you find out that the person that you love and you are faithfull to is having fun with another girl..it just doesn't seem right
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
I do share your sentiment. But at this point, I would rather spare myself of the hurt. I know how it feels to know that the person you love has another, it would be easier for me if I did not know what was going on. It really is not right but most of the things in life are not right.
• Denmark
21 Jan 07
yes,maybe it's right not to know about but...when u eventually find out..after some time...al you can think of is that all u have lived from then on was a total lie...it's like all ur life was a big ugly lie,and u live next to a stranger...i know that's what i felt and it was horrible...i was crying myself to sleep,wishing i would wake up from this nightmare..unfortunately,it was not a nightmare...i don't wanna get through that again..maybe it sounds dramatic,but i am not a superficial person,and my feelings were too heavy,painfull to ignore them
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Jan 07
I actually know how that feels since it has happened also to me. But weighing both situations, I still would rather be the wife who did not know. Being the girl who knew could destroy me little by little. As for the wife who will eventually know, at least it is just one big blow upon knowing the truth so she just have to survive and decide whether or not to stay or leave her cheating husband. I would have the upper hand on deciding whether he is still worth my love and finally give an ultimatum to choose between us.
• Philippines
18 Jan 07
I would ratherly be a wife.
1 person likes this
@korek222 (702)
• Poland
18 Jan 07
could you spare us some moments and say why?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Jan 07
I also would like to hear why you chose to be the wife.
@rainbow (6763)
18 Jan 07
neither, this man is not worth having!
1 person likes this
• Australia
18 Jan 07
I have to agree with this statement.... I cant even believe this question has been asked. REALLY, women who openly and knowingly have affairs with married men should be hung up for the world to spit on, along side the man who cheated with her.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
It is easy to say when you are not in that situation. It is always very easy to go for the moral high ground. I also share the same view on marriage that it should be sacred and when you express your vows, you must really mean it and live up to it. But we all know that in most cases this does not happen. I am just being realistic. I also hate people who cheat on their partners, but I would rather not know that he or she is cheating on me to spare me of the hurtful feelings.
@chumm525 (169)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
i'd rather be the wife than the girl because no matter what happened the husband will be going home to his wife and wife is still a wife no one can change it, and i dont want to ruin a relatioship specailly a family that GOD put together, and i don't want to beg a little time for a guy that is owned by others, and i want to have a family that can be called family
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
well i guess the main thing that is nice about being the wife is that what she does not know won't hurt her. Nevertheless, there might come a time that she would find out, I could not imagine the devastation that will come on both parties as well as the affected ones.
@jieuna (70)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
in my experience, that time, i wish i could be the girl coz he can freely tell to her what was his inner most feelings after being tired of the relationship he was dealing with his wife. as if he can say everything to her rather than to her wife, she is more omfortable to be with, doesn't pressure him up and the wife is the one being aggrieved here. the girl is more confident that she cannot be resisted by any man. but then, being a wife is also good coz you can demand him since you are the legal partner and the right choice to choose from if you wanted to prove him that there's a hope for both of you once you started all over again. just for the couple, they have to have a reflection, accept each other's fault, the man should accept his weakness and hope for the best. besides, for the man, at least he knows something from his wife now that they were placed in that situation rather than to start all over again knowing another woman and what if the girl was placed in that situation.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Jan 07
I would like to thank you for your response, but after reading it, I still don't know which side you chose. You made good points on both scenarios. The wife having the legal rights while the girl as the being the irresistable one.
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
of course every woman whats to be the wife. personally, i hate mistresses. they are the ones who broke a family.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
25 Jan 07
Most would prefer to be the wife but there are some who would choose to be the girl. Actually it is the cheating partner who should be blamed also not only the mistress. They are both responsible for their actions. In some cases, the wife also has some responsibility because she might be neglecting the needs of her husband.
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
18 Jan 07
I would rather be neither of course. If you are the wife and blissfully unaware that your husband is cheating away, it is only a matter of time before you come to suspect or indeed know what is going on. That is painful if you love you husband and excruciating if you trusted your husband. I have seen it happen where someone had absolutely no idea and then their whole world came crashing down around them when they found out their husband was with another woman. On the other hand, what kind of a woman is happy to be with a man who is married and has kids? What kind of a woman wants that kind of a man. I think that most of the time such women can be called selfish at the very least. I would rather be neither and I certainly hope I never ever am.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 Apr 07
Well I also would not want to be neither but if push comes to shove, I would rather be the wife who did not know. At least she is the innocent victim who had a clear conscience. But eventually I don't know if I would be tough to handle the truth. Thank you for your response.
• United States
18 Jan 07
Truth be told I would rather be neither, but if I had to choose then I would be the wife. The wife has all the power. First I doubt that the wife would never find out. Second when she does find out she can get a divorce and get the house, car, over half the assets, etc.... Third I doubt that a man who cheats on his wife is completely honest with anyone, (he isn't even being honest with himself). The comment "As the wife, what you do not know won't hurt you" is not realistic in my opinion. The wife could be hurt in many ways, he could be giving money to this other woman and not taking care of his true responsibilities, not to mention STD's or what about illegitimate children. A person can be very hurt by the unknown, a man who cheats on his wife (and visa versa), in my opinion is selfish and not worth much.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Jan 07
I actually chose the same which is to be in the shoes of the wife for the reason of not knowing. I have seen my friend's suffering regarding the matter of being the girl. the guy suddenly confesses that he is married but still wants to continue the relationship because he likes her. I persuaded her to let go but after all that she still decided against her better judgment because she told me that she would be lost without him. I had no other choice but to support her in her decision.