I beat you and cheated on you and it's your fault that I did it.

United States
January 21, 2007 5:11am CST
Don't you just HATE it when people do this? Nothing gets under my skin more than the ole "It's your fault that I abused you and played you" deal. Everytime I hear someone say "but you didn't meet my needs, you didn't do this, you didn't do that" as a way of rationalizing it, the answer is obvious: if the other person wasn't meeting your needs, get your needs met elsewhere AFTER breaking up with the other person. Don't cheat on them. And don't abuse them. That's just ludicrous.
18 people like this
69 responses
21 Jan 07
my ex boyfriend did all of that to me, and we was together for 14 years, he said when we broke up after he had beaten me up in front of our kids! well i would not have done it if i was not tired and you could have prevented it really. he still insists to this day that the whole 14 years was my fault, but it was not me who hit him it was not me who cheated on him, it was not me who cheated on me the day that our daughter was born was it!
3 people like this
• United States
21 Jan 07
It's good that he's your ex now, though. Hopefully the the next guy you find will treat you very well!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48716)
• United Kingdom
21 Jan 07
Yes you are right My Ex Husband threw that in my Face several times over the 21 Years we where married and I took it and I believed him and no matter what I tried and how much I tried to change nothing was right After 21 years I had enough something snapped and that was the end of my Marriage
2 people like this
@samsonskola (3357)
• United States
21 Jan 07
Yes, I've had someone say those things to me before, ...but there are a lot of people that say that to their "significant other"...I do agree with you in that if for any reason you aren't happy in a relationship, get out...don't cheat on or abuse the other person and try to use that as an excuse..unfortunately, some people, mostly women, believe this sort of thing and continue in the relationship actually believing it's their fault, and begging the other person to "give them a chance to do better"...when I was cheated on and abused, I did get out...no one will ever do that to me again, ...I wish more people would understand this sort of thing, maybe by reading your post, and do better for themselves.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (99358)
• United States
21 Jan 07
The corollary to this is the abused person looking at you with tear stained face and saying "He nearly killed me, but I still love him. If only . . ." I have people that I know who do this. (In my family).Believe me, if that kind of thing had ever happened to me, I would Have been long gone. On both sides there needs to be respect. And self respect.
@manodogs (415)
• United States
21 Jan 07
This is true, but the sad fact is that a lot of them are suffering from a sort of slave mentality. After living like that for so long, they come to feel that they "deserve" it and the person really does love them, which is why that person hurts them.
@ronita34 (3923)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
I hate this also. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 and a half years and dealt with it all. Thankfully i have lived and learned and i will never let a man rule me in this way again. All of that talk is nothing more than just a guilty conscious thats all it ever is!!
@maru_047in (1007)
• India
22 Jan 07
Ya definitely but as per my wish i think if v can do that v have to do it by ourself by not giving things to others rather and y to spoil friendship and relation with them cause it is the one which spoils the things so my opinion is that.
@pusiket (1759)
• Philippines
22 Jan 07
Yes, I hate people hurting others witout reason than themselves.
@manodogs (415)
• United States
21 Jan 07
I really think the whole American country is suffering from this sort of mentality nowadays. This blame the victim mindset which says that everyone who gets used or abused must have done something to deserve it or should have known better or put him/herself in a position to be used or abused (so they deserve it), etc. You're absolutely right that it's wrong to do and I'm ashamed that I live in a society where so many people think and act that way. I think it's good to talk about it though. Hopefully, if we talk about it enough, more people will consider it and things will change?
1 person likes this
@freesoul (3024)
• Egypt
21 Jan 07
It's scary when people say these things and actually believe them, it means how stupid, selfish and useless people they are.. the thing is many people use this kind of excuses because they are cornered, they know they are wrong and they have no excuse but they just need something to argue with.. I believe that what you said is right and I said something similar in related discussions here in mylot, if someone really think that it's the other side fault he/she should break up and look for someone new and it's no excuse for cheating..
@AskAlly (3627)
• Canada
21 Jan 07
What's Wrong With This Picture? - this is a photo with Fred and Betty instead of Fred and Wilma.  Couples break up too easily nowadays and should try harder to maintain their relationsships
Obviously there was no communication in the first place. If I just sat around waiting for my husband to meet my needs my butt would be sore. Communicate People!!!! After 25 years of marriage, we have found that you can't just sniff the air to see if needs and wants are being met Couples have to talk to eachother. This was a learned process for us and with 5 sons it was not always so easy to be meeting our own needs at times. We are pretty much at the point now where we know one another well enough that we can sense it's time for a chat. Openness and honesty are the only you are going to build a loving relationship.
1 person likes this
@plantit1 (298)
• United States
21 Jan 07
There is no one to blame except ourselves. We are responsible for ourselves which include our thoughts and our actions. And mostly how we feel. When others blame us for their stuff they still have much growing to do. This is a most difficult lesson I think, to take full responsiblity for ourselves. And to not let others push our buttons and pull our strings. Others really have no power over us, only the power we give them.
1 person likes this
@fabwisp (1328)
21 Jan 07
I agree. If a person can't except that they have done wrong then they are in denial and are just likely to do it again in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@lelabrown (217)
• United States
21 Jan 07
I know there's alot of agreement on this,but I had to add my 2 cents worth..LOL I was married twice to this type of person. Now I've been divorced for 11 years,and my son was worth it;all the work and pain was worth seeing my son grow into a wonderful young man :) What I never understood about this type of person,is how they can sleep at night and act like nothing happened the day after beating the tar out of me/us...and/or cheating,ya know?
1 person likes this
@shywolf (4522)
• United States
21 Jan 07
Can I just say bravo for your entire post! You are so right. It is not the other person's fault for someone cheating on them. If the other person were so unhappy with their partner, they should definitely break up first. Then they won't _be_ cheating. They'll just be moving on. And that will be fine. And abuse is just not forgiveable under any situation, whether it is physical abuse or even mental abuse.
1 person likes this
@ashjoe76 (1434)
• India
21 Jan 07
You make a lot of sense. Those who resort to such cheap tactics are people who lack honour. It is better to be open with the partner and call it a game if you think you are with the wrong person.
1 person likes this
@pagli84 (1850)
• Netherlands
21 Jan 07
yah, i agree with you. my most recent ex was the same. i broke up with him cause he kinda emotionally/mentally abused me and ignored me most the time. now he blames it on me that i fought too much with him and that's where the problem in the relationship was. he thinks that he did absolutely nothing wrong and that everything was my fault. if he didn't treat me like crap for 2 1/2 months, i wouldn't have had to fight with him! if he actually listened to me when i had a problem instead of completely ignoring me and telling me i was stupid, then i wouldnt have had to fight with him!
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jan 07
Yes I hate people who do things on their own and blame it on others, that's just trying to feel better about something you really had fun doing. One ex I had told me that it was my fault he cheated on me. I told him that he did that on his own and had fun doing it so he shouldn't be telling me it's my fault. Stay away from people like that!
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
21 Jan 07
yes i hate it and sometimes it take the beat on person so long to get out of there 14 years man that is way to long for that to go on. I would really like to take that person that blames the other person for what they did . I just better not say it on here might get kicked out of mylot.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
21 Jan 07
Yes, I agree with you. No relationship is perfect. That's no reason to cheat on your partner. If the relationship is that bad then get out of it and then see whoever you want. When someone cheats and uses that as an excuse, its bull. They're just trying to justify what they did because they know it was wrong.
1 person likes this
@tentwo67 (3384)
• United States
21 Jan 07
I agree with you that it is a ridiculous thing to say, particularly since the people who say it generally do believe it to be true. Another thing that is wrong, though, is for someone who's already been beaten or otherwise abused to stay and think that it will be better. In my opinion, that person has showed their true colors the first time they hit, and the wise and self preserving person would run away. I understand that often the abuser was abused themselves, etc, but there's just no excuse for it. Period.