Daughter and Money Problem - Please Help!

United States
January 24, 2007 3:50pm CST
I need some advice! My daughter is almost 18 now and she goes to high school and college and works a co-op job. She only gets paid every two weeks. She has a "Need it NOW" problem where she won't just set aside a little out of each check toward things she wants and when she borrows to get what she wants now, the next paycheck must go toward the new "MUST HAVE" instead of toward paying back the previous loaner and getting the money you loaned her back is like pulling teeth and she makes you feel like some kind of a leach or something because you can't afford to wait for your money. That is a problem, yes, but it is not THE problem that prompted me to ask for help, it is just the background. Now for the current situation at hand. She wanted a cell phone to replace the one that was stolen from her at school and she was not willing to wait and save up for it so she borrowed the money from one of my friends, without my knowledge or permission, this friend happens to be blind and on disability and cannot afford to be out that much money. She told my daughter to take her time, words she never should've uttered, because she got nothing from the last two paychecks and now my daughter just got another paycheck and says there is not enough to pay her anything again. I told her if she had just given her a little out of each check she would be paid back by now, or at least close to paid back, and something would've been better than nothing. I argued with her til I was pissed and I sent her to my mom's house to discuss it with her as my mom can usually talk sense into her. I am wondering if I should call the lady myself? Is it my business? She is my daughter. I feel like she only loaned her the money because she has known me so long. I feel bad. My daughter does need new clothes, and yes, they are 50% off right now, but there will be other sales. She got a new boss at work that wants her to dress more professionally. She also needs them for a state competition coming up in March, but I don't think she needs to hurry and get them right now. I want her to at least pay something back to my friend. What should I do?
13 people like this
54 responses
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Wow, she is forming some very bad habits. Have you considered getting her a budget book to see where her money is going and to help her plan? I think this should be one of the things taught in high school. She might be spending $4 a day for coffee and maybe instead of starbucks she could bring a thermos from home. Some how we tend to miss the little dribbles of money we spend every day while looking for major ways to save money. I always take my pocket change and throw it in a container, and if I want to buy a not necessary item, if the money is there fine, is not ---have to wait. Now you mentioned that her boss at her co-op job wants her to dress better. Does this job actually justify the expense of the wardrobe? What is this job getting her in the long run? And is the state competition something new - would Christmas have not been a good idea for gifts to cover these kinds of things? Of course we can't change the past. Well, she is almost 18, and therefore is bordering on adulthood, and she must learn to be responsible. Tell her, that this woman is a friend and she has jeopardized this friendship. Is there a way she can pick up some extra income? Many parents still need sitters, she may miss an evening or 2 out with her friends, but I think this way she can get what she 'needs' and still pay off her debt.
@mansha (6301)
• India
25 Jan 07
I agree with debs totally, yopu should stop bailing her out and call all yuour friends not to loan her the money. But may be you can pay back your friend and still ask her to keep reminding your diuaghter to pay her money back. I ean do not let you daughter off the hook and once your daughter returns her the money you can have your money back. I hope I wrote it right. That way your friend at least will not suffer. Youcan takeyopur friend in to your confidence and do stop paying her bills totally and let her manage her own money. SHe is now an adult and can not be a free loader and irresponsible for her debts. With her this habit ask all your friends and relatives not to loan her the money ever again as you will not be paying it back on her behalf. You have to do this otherwise your daughter will never learn to be responsible about her budgeting. May be sell her cell for the money and pay your friend back thats what bankers do if you don't pay your money back, they sell your stuff to get back their loan. May be small shock will cure her.
2 people like this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Debs it needs to be taught much earlier than high school. By then their spending habits are getiing pretty well set.
1 person likes this
@sanjayko (339)
• India
25 Jan 07
deebomb is right please be short with ur topics no body have enough time to read ur story
@judyt00 (3504)
• Canada
24 Jan 07
It soundsto me like you have taken responsibility for your daughter's financial errors in the past. I don't know where you've been but most places only pay every 2 weeks and your and your daughter are just going to have to learn to budget, Stop paying her bills, demand rent from the greedy little brat, and butt out of her finances. At 18, she should be paying room and board if she is working. Everybody else does. as for the friend who loaned her the money, ask her to keep reminding your daughter about the money since the squeeky wheel gets oiled. Explain that you are trying to teach her to be responsible and need her help to remind the girl about her responsibilities. And really, does your daughter NEED new clothes, or at leasthe kind she is buying. i'll bet there are lots of clothes in her closet,(Or on he rbedroom floor, which is where most girls with too much seem to store things) just nothing suitable for work.Congradulations! You've raised an inconsiderate child, good luck with changing her attitude now.
3 people like this
• United States
25 Jan 07
well that was completely rude. at 18 and going to high school, she doesnt need to be paying room and board! and no, not everybody else does! i wouldnt do that to my daughters! her mother just needs to make her own up to her responsibilities by NOT bailing her out. Maybe sit down with the friend who loaned the money and explain to her how she is and that she will be made to pay it back. i would tell the daughter to NEVER ask another person for money like that again! if she doesnt have the money for it, or willing to save up for it, then she doesnt need it. i mean atleast she IS working and using her money for what she wants, but she shouldnt be using everyone elses money along with it. I wish ya luck!
3 people like this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
25 Jan 07
I don’t think she is a bit rude. And yes she should have her daughter paying Board and room if she is handling her money this way. This way she will learn that the bills have to be paid. If she doesn’t make her pay how will she learn to be on her own when she will have to pay at least $700 rent plus $200 to $300 in utilities. Some kids think everything should be handed to them. I posted about my granddaughter further down the line
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
25 Jan 07
I appoligize for this post I miss understood some of the problem.
1 person likes this
@magikrose (5423)
• United States
25 Jan 07
What you could od which is something my mother did to help me ans take her paychecks away from her. Open an account that only you have access to and put her checks in there. Keep a record of everything. Make shure her bills get paid and give her some spending money every week for gas and food and nothing more. Sit down with her every week and go over her "bills" and tell her that this is what she is paying this week. Overtime give her more responsibility for her own money and see what she does with it as long as she is responsible then she can earn the right to have her paychecks back as long as she uses them responsibily.
2 people like this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
25 Jan 07
This is the best idea that I have read here so far. Now if you can just get your hands on her check.
1 person likes this
@jess368 (3368)
• United States
25 Jan 07
You are still the parent, you can make her do whatever you want. i think you should talk to your friend and explain that you two are workign on paying her back and appologize for your daughters actions. if money is such an issue she shouldnt be allowed to continuesoly buy things. until she moves out you haev the authority. and honestly if you dont need help from her than she dosent need to work. until she can be responsible with money she shouldnt have the luxeries of a paycheck and to be able to spend it on whatever she wants. either do that or make her start paying bills, like rent and cell phone, etc. its not being mean or hateful its just making her responsible so when she is ready to be on her own she can handle it and not come back a few months later. Once i hit 16 i never asked my mom for anything. she had enough money to pay the bill and have a little extra for fun spending. i didnt get a cell phone until i could pay for it my self. i moved out and she hasnt paid one dime of rent for me. i have a strong feeling that wont be your case when your daughter decideds to move out.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Jan 07
Her job is a co-op job through her school and she cannot quit or she will fail the class. She is being graded by her job performance. She bought her own cell phone. I did not buy it. She cannot afford to buy minutes for it now because she rushed into getting it before she was financially able to support it.
• Australia
25 Jan 07
For this problem, i think you should call your friends and let her in on the situation so that next time your daughter would not borrow again from her.. as for her money maybe you could pay her back first and get your daughter to pay you back.. talk to her as an adult that she is.. let her know that it is wrong to buy everything she wants straight away.. and get her to pay you back half of the wages she earn. Your mom helps would be good too, but most importantly of course you also have to be the one who teach her that.. Say for the next time that she wants to borrow money, dont let her.. and also talk to your friend and all other potential lenders.. to not let your daughter borrow from them. That way she learns to save up and pay back the money she borrowed. Teach her a lesson that will make her change the behaviour.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Jan 07
Try to maintain with money if any body dont know how to grow it
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 07
You should be more firm. I suggest not lending her anymore money. She can always wait so she will be more responsible. Suggest that she pays your friend on the coming paycheck before wanting to buy anything more. Let her know that it is soooo hard to pay up money that's already been spent. She should realize that she does have to pay for them.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
25 Jan 07
It is sad that she will not give your friend back some of the money. Your daughter sounds like she needs a wakeup call. Not sure how to do it though. I would stay on her about it. If you feel your friend needs her money, could you go ahead and pay her back? Have your friend not tell her that you did, and as she does pay her back, have her call you and you get paid back that way. I would stay on her and tell your friend to never let her borrow from her again because she is not using her money wisely. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
1 person likes this
• Canada
25 Jan 07
I know that she is your friend, and you want to interfere, but you shouldn't. I'm sure your friend will realize that your daughter is her own separate identity and YOUR friendship with her won't be ruined by your daughter's lack of conscience. My suggestion to you is stop enabling her 'I want it now' attitude at home, which is the only thing you can do. She is 18 years old, and she is going to have to learn that there are consequences to her actions. She borrowed money from this friend of yours, and if this friend wants her money back, she will make sure that she gets it. Your situation isn't as complicated as you want to make it out to be. You can't be resonsible for the irresponsibility of your daughter, plain and simple. What you can do, is not give her any money at all. If she gets paid and spends her money, and wants to borrow money from you for something, don't give it to her. She has to learn that instant gratification can get her into financial trouble, and that is a lesson that as a mother, you have to allow her to learn.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 07
You need to make her pay back your friend. She needs to learn that. And don't let up. Ask her everytime she gets paid and make her accountable. And don't pay the friend either. She borrowed it, she pays it.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 07
The person I feel most sorry for is the disabled person that you know that trusted your daughter because she knew you and lent your daughter the money. I would call her and explain your plight and ask her to work something out. She should not have to suffer because of your daughter's actions. As for your daughter. I would set some rules that you can control which is #1 she is never to go to anyone you know and use your good reputation to get money. #2 You cannot continue after this juncture to bail her out. I am concerend because these actions have the tendency to spiral towards small claims court at some point. She might still borrow behind your back and take things too far. Speaking from experience, I raised a beauty pageant crazy niece for 6 years, when her mother was going thourgh a hard time, and I did straighten her out. When she turned 18, I had to teach her a lesson. I provided her with food, shelter and basic needs. I had to do this because she had more than enough clothing to fill half a basement and more than 30 pairs of shoes to boot with accessories. Any money she earned on her own was hers to manage. If she failed she failed. All she could get from me was food and shelter that was all. What ended up happening was ahe had borrowed money through a co-worker who took out a payday loan to give her money. My niece decided to piece meal back the payments and did not pay as promised. 3 months later her co-worker sued her and we went to court. The judge leaned into her. the judge told her that she was acting like a spoiled brat and was not allowed to get a free ride on anyone's dime. If she wanted to play the role of a diva she would have to earn her way like a diva as well. She was ordered to not only pay the loan back ( which by the ay was only $500), she was ordered to pay attorneys fees and court costs. Her $500.00 loan ended up costing her $3,000 ! I sat in court ans said nothing . she looked to me and cried. When the judge asked me if I had anything to say, I simply said " Thank you for doing what I could not do." Since then my niece has paid of the loan, she has funded her endeavors and has remained out of trouble. It made her work harder for modeling jobs and she actually got a bit of print work this year. She now knows the difference with being a "wannabe" vs. actually earning her way up.
• United States
25 Jan 07
I think you should try and help her, and the first step to doing that is to stop paying everything for her..all of her financial blunders are hers alone. You could take rent from her and save it for it in a certain place until she really starts to learn the value of a dollar. When that happens, maybe you can tell her what you've done..and maybe by that time, she can either continue to save the money, or take out a bit every once in awhile to pay off some debts she has acquired or what not.
2 people like this
@arwenrey (316)
• Philippines
25 Jan 07
It's just normal to spend as much at first few times of earning but later on your daughter will realize that she need to save for her future. But its not right for her to borrow money from a blind person just to buy for her own whims. The best thing that you can do is to remind her several times that she should pay her debt and later on she would get tired of it and eventually pay your blind friend.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 07
She is not new to earning money, she has had a job for over two years now.
@shahinshk (384)
• United Arab Emirates
25 Jan 07
YOU SHOULD CONVINCE HER ANYHOW TO PAY THAT MONEY BACK. MAKE HER REALISE THAT IF SHE DOES NOT KEEP HER PROMISE AND WORDS NOBODY WILL HELP HER OUT. THINGS WHICH IS MOST URGENT TO BE NEEDED SHOULD BE BOUGHT FIRST WHERELSE OTHER THINGS CAN BE POSTPONED AND THEN SLOWLY BE BOUGHT. OBVIOUSLY THAT LADY GAVE THE MONEY TO HER NOT BECASUE OF HER BUT BECAUSE OF YOU. TRY AND CALL HER TO APOLOGISE FOR THE DELAY PROMISING TO REPAY AT THE EARLIEST. IF YOUR DAUGHTER DOES NOT SHOW THE DECENCY ATLEAST YOU SHOULD DO IT
1 person likes this
• Canada
25 Jan 07
You gave the lady some very good advice. I hope she takes it. I would like to comment though on the fact that you posted in capital letters. This is like shouting into some one's face.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 07
Sounds like you have a serious problem with a daughter that thinks if she does not pay them back they won't mind, this is clearly not a way to live one's life and she should pay everyone back that she borrowed from. Have you made her list out who she owes and how much she owes, perhaps if she sees it in printed in black and white she will understand. You should treat her as they treat others who have credit problems, place a certain amount of money from every paycheck (take the paycheck if you must) and keep the money you have agreed to pay from each paycheck from her for all the loans and start paying people back. Although she is 18 years old she needs to learn that she can't live on borrowing money from people, pretty soon she will have no one to borrow from and she will still have that expensive taste. Good luck Mom~!
1 person likes this
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Okay as soon as she turns 18 lay down the law. At age 18 in most states she is considered and adult and emancipated, Meaning she is totally 100% responsible for her actions and her debts. Charge her 10% of her pay check for room and board and ignore the person who said not everyone else does because she is very wrong. I charged my kids, all my friends did the same. It taught them responsibility to budget and save and prepared them for the reality of the real world. Do not pay this debt owed by your daughter. Help your friend to reclaim the money. If your daughter does not pay it by say two more months have your friend with your help take your daughter to small claims court for the amount owed, plus court costs and interest on the money owed. Ask for a guarnishment of her wages until the debt is paid. This is the real world and might teach her a lesson and responsibility. If she refuses to pay this or rent tell her your 18 your an adult, pack up and move out. This is tough love, but it sure does work. We did this with my son and he moved out at 19 he was gone for four months and finally he begged to come home, said he would follow all our rules and sign a contract, We said Ok, he came home and kept his word until he really was ready to leave on his own. He literally ate out of a dumpster for a week. It is tough but it is reality. She does NOT need a lot of the things she thinks she does, including the clothes. If her boss want's her to get the clothes tell the boss to pay for them. I doubt that is true. Did YOU ask the boss if this is true or is this your daughter saying so? A cell phone is a luxury not a need. Especially for an 18 year old still in school. The NEED it NOW is a lie, it is WANT it now and that is a big difference. You need food, shelter, warmth and health care. You do not NEED new clothes or a cell phone.
@crystal8577 (1470)
• United States
25 Jan 07
She is 18 & legally an adult. She needs to learn if she "needs it now" she must be able to pay for it on the spot. She also needs to repay loans before buying something new. If she does not get this under control she will find herself in a pile of debt that she can't dig herself out of. I know she borrowed money from your friend but I would not get involved just yet. If you feel the urge than repay the friend & have your daughter give you money owed instead. That way you do not jepordize your friendship over your daughters bad judgement.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 07
It sounds to me that she has become a spoiled brat (not necessarily your fault) and she is always of the mindset "something for nothing." You need to just stop giving her money. When I was in college my parents gave me a very set budget which included rent, utilities, gas, and then anything that was left over out of that was for myself. If I wanted or needed more money I got a job. Your daughter is already working for her money, but she needs to stop acting like a baby and learn that money must be used responsibily. I say let her "crash and burn," and clean up after her own self. Don't mollycoddle her anymore or she will never learn anything.
@Lindalinda (4112)
• Canada
25 Jan 07
Obviously your daughter has never learned how to manage her finances. Take heart it is not too late but it requires some action on your part. Firstly I would inform all my friends not to lend money to my daughter. Secondly I would sit my daughter down and explain to her calmly that it was irresponsible to borrow money from a blind person on disability. Then I would insist that my daughter would give me a small set amount from each paycheck which I would save for her without telling her that I was saving it. This could be a cushion for her later on. I would also ask for a small amount from each paycheck for the blind lady. I would personally bring it to her and tell her that I would make sure she would get paid in full. If your daughter losses her job pay her yourself. As far as clothes and sales are concerned You are so right, sales will come and go. Insist that your daughter is debt free when she goes out to buy new clothes. For now make sure your daughter looks professional with the clothes she has. She should always be clean, her hair freshly washed and shiny, no excessive makeup, fingernails neatly kept, no flaking polish, shoes should shine like a mirror, no crooked heels and runny hose. With these small measures that do not cost anything your daughter's boss will be willing to wait for different clothes. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
@7nicole1 (1634)
• Canada
25 Jan 07
Well since she did'nt pay for the phone take it away from her. My mom is very sick and on disability so I know these people can't afford to barely live let alone loan money for cell phones. No offence but your daughter is pretty rude for borrowing money off someone who has less then her and on top of it not pay the woman back whats this? Like I said take the phone back till she pays.
1 person likes this
@moirax23 (317)
• Malta
25 Jan 07
Whatever you do don't pay your friend! Otherwise your daughter will not learn to be responsable..
1 person likes this