Ex-Mother in Law HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Bytemi (1553)
United States
January 25, 2007 8:05am CST
My ex-mother-in-law is driving me crazy. My daughter had her 3rd birthday party on Christmas Eve, her birthday. We invited 4 friends that she requested from school and then family to come and enjoy the celebration. We ended up with 10 kids total cousins and friends, all in her age group and lots of adults. Well I received an e-mail from my ex-mother-in-law with a web site about parents that go overboard for their kids birthday parties, if you want the link I will be happy to share it. So I read the link and didn't think anything of it because she had cc'ed all the new parents in her family. Well I received an e-mail from her neice today forwarding a message from my ex-mother in law, stating that she included everyone so I didn't feel pinpointed because of the lavish birthday party I throw for Antonia. There was nothing lavish, kids, cake, ice cream. That was it. I have decided to respond to her as follows: "Thank you for the web site, after reading about the parties that some of these kids have, I am amazed. I am glad that we did not go overboard like the people on the web site, renting club houses and performers. Having it at home was so much more personal. And since we only invited 3 or four of her closest friends at school and family, it was so much better than if we had just invited her entire class. I hope you enjoyed watching her interact with her friends and her great manners. I am still surprised that she waited to eat her cake until all the kids were served. I am so proud of the person she is becoming." What do you think? Is that a good response or would just not say anything at all.
11 people like this
58 responses
@rjbass (1425)
• United States
25 Jan 07
All 3 of my kids are under 6 years old and yes, we have thrown birthday parties every year for them. Each year we will consolodate my duaghter's birthday parties as they fall one month apart. And even though they are 2 years apart, we chose a venue that everyone can enjoy such as a place called Party Playhouse. Party Playhouse is a huge human habitrail set in a secured environment. Only party members are allowed in the play area at the scheduled time. Birthday parties are not only for the kids that enjoy playing, interacting, and working on their social skills but for the parents. My wife and I have a chance to mingle with the other parents and socialize ourselves...something we don"t get a lot of time to do anymore. I won't mention the cost of these parties and it is very low, but I will say that it is nothing extravagant or overboard. A birthday party is a celebration of the birth of your child. What could be more important than that?
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
That sounds very nice and I agree I don't see anything wrong with having birthday parties every year. I know the parents of her friends and they know me, it is just a more organized play date with cake. I don't understand how it an misconstrud as going overboard.
3 people like this
@bobmnu (8160)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Nicely put. You were not baited into a situtation where you could not win. It is nice that you are including your childs grandmother in things,itmay be uncomfortable but in the long run you daughter will have a family to support her. If you want to see parties out of control my daughter was watching a show on 16ht birthday parties. One girl walked out of her Birthday party because someone else drove up in the same color BMW that her father had given her. He spent over $100,000 on the party and she was not happy. that is going over board.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Ok that is just spoiled, but 4 friends and cake, at least in my opinion is not going overboard, it is celebrating her birth. Maybe that is just me.
3 people like this
@lifeiseasy (2292)
• United States
25 Jan 07
You are a remakable woman, I must say. I think the letter to her is great. I believe I would respond to her email as she needs to see that you recieved it and then she will read your letter and hopefully open her eyes to what a great mother your are to her granddaughter. I am sure this will be to your advantage in the long run...best of luck ...I know how hard it can be dealing with mother-in-laws but ex-mother-in-laws thats another thing entirely...
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
It just makes life a little more interesting that is all. I just keep telling myself that I need to do what is in the best interest of Antonia and that gets me through.
1 person likes this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
25 Jan 07
I think that is great!!!! I wish I could be so polite and diplomatic when dealing with my mother-in-law! Why do they feel like they have a right to comment on your parenting? Didn't they already raise thier kids. I commend you for not getting into a full-fledge fight about it, as that could affect your daughter's relationship with her. If she persists about it, offer that next year, she take her grandchild someplace simple and quiet to say Happy Birthday, and Grandma can skip the party all together.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Actually that was my feeling, if you don't like the way I celebrate her birthday, you don't have to come next time! But I would not say that because it would hurt my daughter in the long run.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Jan 07
It was a really good response and ur ex mother in law should not be in ur bizznizz like that i agree she its kinda stalkish lol u should block her from sendin u emailos
3 people like this
• Italy
25 Jan 07
mmh it is a serious problem..
• United States
25 Jan 07
Sounds like grandma never got any birthday parties, if she thinks that's going overboard. Growing up, I'd regularly have parties with 6 to 8 friends, plus however many brothers were around (no other family, but only because they lived far away). It'd be at home, and we'd have cake and ice cream and maybe a couple games. Pefectly reasonable and quiet, in my opinion. And the cake was always homemade (partly because brother #1 is allergic to milk). And every one of my brothers got the same kind of thing. I think you've hit upon exactly the right response to this nosy woman. You get your point accross without being blunt or impolite. Go you! *^_^*
@simplysue (631)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I think it's a perfect response! I don't think I could handle that with any more tact and grace than you are and I'm a person who doesn't like confrontation so I always try to handle these situations in the same manner that you obviously do. :) She is obviously trying to stir the pot, you are wise to put the lid back on it.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
Yes I avoid confirmation at all costs, I can't believe you figured that our from my response.
1 person likes this
@mgmagana (3621)
• United States
25 Jan 07
oh that's a great response, letting her know u weren't bothered by her email! i think i would've done the same thing!
2 people like this
@Bev1986 (1428)
• United States
25 Jan 07
That was wonderful! I applaud you for not stooping to her level... I don't understand why some people feel like they have to tell you what to do with your own kids! We have a birthday party for our kids every single year. We do the same as you... a couple close friends, then family. But it always ends up being big, but mostly because of the family, not the friends! I would definitely send the email!
2 people like this
• United States
30 Jan 07
I think you handled the situation well. From what you said, I really don't think you went overboard. I mean, you didn't spend thousands of dollars on a party, you didn't rent performers or a place to hold the party. It was a family type party, with nothing lavish. Just ignore her.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
30 Jan 07
Ignoring her only give creedance to what she is saying. That is why I responded the way I did. I noticed her objection to party and then stating why I didn't think it was over board without saying it.
@Sir_bobby88 (8245)
• Singapore
26 Jan 07
I do think that there is a communication break down betweem you and your ex mother in law yea ... i don't they she will did that out of nothing prehaps both party can chat more yea ...
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I would love to chat more with her and keep her informed, but that is not my choice, she makes all the calls there. She has no interest in having a healthy relationship with the mother of her granddaughter.
• India
26 Jan 07
It is a very good sign and if she want to keep good relation then forget that she is ex-mom and keep in touch with her
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I would never keep her away from granddaught, Antonia needs all of her family surround her, not just the ones that like me.
@amafrias (456)
• United States
26 Jan 07
Perfect response!!! Better than she would have gotten from me. I am afraid I fly off the handle a bit in situations of that nature..lol The nerve. Even if you wanted to hire a marching band, rent the fricken Taj Mahal, and spend thousands it would be none of her business! I always try to make my daughters birthdays special because we were not allowed to have parties growing up. My birthday is 2 days before Christmas. I always just got a combined gift.lol I don't go overboard either, just a few friends, cake, games etc. But by Golly if I wanted to go overboard and could afford it without going broke, then I could and it would be my business. You have been very diplomatic in your response and I applaud you. Kill her with kindness...lol
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
My daughter is in the same situation and I am trying my best to make sure that she never has a combined birthday, I don't think that is fair to her.
@Sissygrl (10999)
• Canada
25 Jan 07
I think all mother in laws, ex's or not, they just dont like us, the wife of their sons. maybe they feel we took their baby boys away from them and they recent that. i dont know. mine isn't rude or anal to me, but she always has to outdo and overdo everything. (she lives far away thank god) she came to visit us one summer and apparently my house was not clean e nough for her, i came home from work one day and she proceeded to tell me how she got down and scrubbed the floor and washed the walls. IT was SUPPOSED to be her vaccation. lol. and then she re-arranged my bedroom the next night. i was SO mad. but i didnt' say anything. i just moved it back after she left. then at xmas time. OH MY. she bought SO much stuff for my daughter, stuff that she would never use or that wont fit for like a year. WHAT am i supposed to do with it all lol! Oh. mother in-laws what will you do next you crazy ladies?!
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
You can't do anything but respect their beliefs and do what you want anyways. As long as you are willing to accept on fall out, life is good. :)
@nishanity (1652)
• India
25 Jan 07
no that was an excellent response!! congrats!! u seem to have an immense amount of will power... if it were me, i would have picked up the phone and given her a piece of my mind!! and she wouldnt have bothered me with this kind of nonsense ever... but u seem to have taken a diplomatic way of doing things!! and its good... she wouldnt have even known how to respond!! LOL way to go, gal!
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
Actually she is the type of person that is always right, getting into a battle of words with her doesn't work because she doesn't hear anything that goes against her beliefs. Making statements that do not leave room for a response is the only way to shut her up.
• United States
25 Jan 07
Good for you! That was an excellent response. I would hug you if you were standing here in front of me. You put her in her place, but in a very nice, tactful way.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I am surprised that so many people feel that I put her in her place. I was just saying what was in my heart without being overbearing or playing games. I hate games, be direct, it makes everything easier.
• Canada
25 Jan 07
I believe you handled that perfectly . She has no right meddling in even if you had decided to have a lavish birthday party . You are intitled to do what you feel is right with your child . She has her time with her children and now it is you and your husband's turn weather she likes it or not . Thank God my mother in law is not like this .
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
You should repeat that statement every night and be thankful. Hopefully if there is a next one, she will better.
@Celanith (2334)
• United States
25 Jan 07
you have a good response, Even though she is your ex mother in law though the granddaughter is still her flesh and blood as she is yours. Do not cut her totally out of your life but keep her in her place. She needs to know her boundaries with you in relation to her grandchildren. Think to the future and how you might feel if you are the ex mother in law somdeday. She is not nor ever will be the ex grandmother to your children however.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
I agree and that is why she will always be invited to every special event in my daughters life. But I don't want her attending and then sending snide e-mails to everyone afterwards.
@shawnasie (390)
• United States
25 Jan 07
I feel you did a great job for your 3 yo's birthday. I have seen one's that are much more lavish. I don't see why she has any reason to judge the decisions you make and to broadcast her thoughts to everyone involved. I believe what you wrote would do for a great response to her actions. You are being civil and not bashing her. I wish I could respond like that to those kinds of situations. Good luck.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Over the years I have learned to give myself time to calm down before I react. I received the e-mail about a week ago and Cindy's response last night. I let myself sleep on it so would not say something that could come back and bite me in the butt later.
• United States
25 Jan 07
That was a great response. I wouldn't be able to handle my mother in law if my husband and I slit. I can hardly handle her now.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Actually I was the same way when we were together, but now I have nothing to lose so why not go for it. I would never be insulting, but I should able to express my opinions and now I don't have anything to worry about.