I need to vent.......

United States
January 28, 2007 1:46pm CST
Ok, I lay down to take a nap today. I didn't call everyone and let them know first...well EXCUSE ME!!! I should be allowed to take a freaking nap without having to call my man, my mom, my friends and family to tell them first.... Or atleast I didn't think I had to.... Half hour into the nap my cell starts ringing...I hear it, but choose to ignore it because I'M TIRED....It stops for a minute, and then starts again...I get up, see who it is...don't answer, and lay back down. My old man starts calling me..He calls the cell, then the home, then the cell, then the home, then the cell...He calls so CONSTANTLY until I answer the phone and not just today but EVERYDAY!!! It's pi$$ing me off....I have a special ringer for him, I know he is calling...If I wanted to answer, I would, quit freaking calling me non-stop... Well, after 10 min. of hearing both phones ringing non-stop, I answer. And I'm NOT happy about it!!! I instantly get a freaking attitude...and he don't understand why. He starts accusing me of someone being here and that's why I'm not answering the phone...who in the hell in their right mind would have an affair with a woman with all these kids, and obviously the kids are HERE and would rat me out if I chose to...The last thing I need is another idiot in my life, I'm NOT having an affair and I almost always answer my phone.... I sit in this stupid house every single day with all these kids and cook and clean and bathe and blah blah blah. I ONLY leave the house when I absolutely have to and I don't go out "running around", it's to the store and right back home..I have no friends anymore and I live right next to family members whom I don't go see, becuz he doesn't want me to... I'M A GOOD GIRL! I've tried my best to be who he wants me to be and now I've had it. I'm to the point where if he just don't back off of me, he's going to see the side of me he does not like. I shouldn't have to answer the darn phone every single time he calls especially when he only answers his maybe 3 out of 10 times when I call him. He always has an excuse...the difference is he usually is out doing the wrong things, he drinks and hides because he knows I'm going to be upset about it, he will go a whole day without answering to me but expects me to drop everything to answer to him.... Well, from now on, he's going to get what he gives...which is usually NOTHING. I'm fed up and I'm not taking the crap anymore....He's lucky to have me, and I deserve to be treated like a queen because I treat him like my king. Does anyone else have a man like this?? What am I missing? What gives him the right to be this way? Why can't I freaking even take a WELL DESERVED nap without catching hell about it? PLEASE someone tell me!!!
12 people like this
39 responses
• Ireland
28 Jan 07
Ok, Stephanie, I laughed at the first part, because I thought it was funny, because my phone also rings, especially when I am in the bathroom, but as I read on, I realised that you are genuinely having a hard time. When our children were small, my husband used to finish up work on Friday and go for a drink with the lads. I used to hate sitting in the house on my own until he arrived. Well, I had words (not very polite) with him, and told him that I was entitled to some time out also. After that, he taught me how to drive and he stayed at home while I went out with my sisters and my friends. I don't stand for any nonsense. I think you too should have a talk with your other half and let him know how you feel. Keep us posted.
4 people like this
• United States
28 Jan 07
Well you have a great husband. I wish mine would atleast try to be more sensitive to all I go through, but I just don't think that will ever happen :-( I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face and never get any results, I'm about ready to give up...
1 person likes this
• Canada
29 Jan 07
Stephanie, I feel awful that someone is treating you this way. I've read all the replies up until this one and everyone's telling you good, honest things. I just wanted to chime in with a small (hopefully practical) suggestion. Do you have an answering machine for your home phone and voicemail for your cell? I'm sure your husband won't be the type to actually LISTEN to the message (sighhhhh) but I would record a very quick and very specific message when you can grab some time for yourself (whether it's for a nap, a bath, whatever). Decide how much time you'll take, whether it's 15 mins, 30 mins.... Just state the current time in your message, the fact that you will be unavailable to answer your phone until "X" time. Mention that, if someone leaves a message, you'll get back to them as soon as you can, AFTER you're available again... and leave it at that. Then, turn the ringers off. Tell your husband that you will be doing this and that he is now responsible for listening to the messages BEFORE he starts calling you like a mad man. Before we were married and while we were living far apart, my husband and I used to leave very specific messages on our phones. This way, if he got a chance to call (he was in the Navy) and I didn't answer, he knew when to either call me back or to expect me to call. Same worked for me... if he wasn't going to have access to his phone for a fair amount of time, he'd leave a message to that effect so I wouldn't worry. You don't have to give personal details in your messages (in case it's someone else calling!) but you can definitely get your point across. Just because you're at home, your husband is being unrealistic and demanding by expecting you to run to the phone at his beck and call. He's a mighty insecure man... and nothing good usually comes from that particular personality type.
2 people like this
@tammyr (5969)
• Etowah, Tennessee
14 Feb 07
Hi, TOL! I think this is very good advice. I hate to be interrupted from a nap, especially repeatedly! This is a good idea so they do not keep calling back repeatedly.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jan 07
you do deserve to take a nap...absolutely! That happens to me too. I also catch hell..like what do I do all day, he works full time.. well you know what he doesn't make a whole lot more than me, and I work part time. He thinks I need to be doing everything, and work 2 part time jobs. He is in bed right now. He wouldn't even come to the dinner table last night. I understand steph, I really do!
• United States
28 Jan 07
Oh lord, you think they might be related? lol....Feel free to message me anytime you need to vent...Maybe since we both go through the same things we can help eachother cope with them...Good luck to you and thank you very much for your response!
• India
29 Jan 07
you need a to relax..why a nap? try yoga..you could switch off your phones when you sleep you know
2 people like this
@shywolf (4529)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Firstly, I am glad that you were able to vent about this. I knw how much better it makes me feel at times to vent when something is really bothering me. And you really deserved that nap! It is totally unfair of your man to expect you to answer the phone every single time that he calls, if he doesn't do the same for you. And you said that he doesn't. so he has no right to complain. Next time, you definitely turn that phone off and sleep if you need it! You shouldn't ever have to feel guilty about that. You go girl! *laugh*
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jan 07
Me too, I do feel a little better. He is being unfair, he's always been unfair and I'm stupid for putting up with it as long as I have...But something has got to give, you know? !
@msbyte (219)
• United States
3 Feb 07
You are not stupid, you just need a real relationship with him. He is either to scared of losing you, or he is the one cheating, either way, he is the one with the problem. There is one thing I cannot stand, it is someone trying to run my life. My husband told me I could not take a nap during the day, I told him he wasn't my daddy and he better get over it! LOL
@jbrooks0127 (2329)
• United States
28 Jan 07
It is clear you have a very controling husband. Makes one wonder if he ever gets any work done for trying to keep up with you. This is not a good thing. While we all want and need to be wanted there comes a time when you can be wanted too much. I have a feeling you are right on when you say your too good for him. Maybe he knows that and has a great fear of loosing you. But for him to control who you see and know where you are all the time is way beyond what a marrage should be. There is no trust on his part....none. I do hope you follow through with giving only what you get. He is too one sided and you need to take your life back. What he may not understand is that he is causing the very thing he fears. That would be you gone. Men who are this controling however have another side to them. You must be carefull of this. When he doesn't get what he wants and becomes convinced you are having an affair you may be in trouble. I do hope not but it is but a short jump from this kind of control to abuse. Make him understand what he is doing verbaly before you begin paying him back. I do hope I am wrong and you have nothing to fear. But never ever take it for granted. This man has controled almost everything you do and will not want to give that up. Beware!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 07
I didn't really mean that I was too good for him, but I do deserve to be treated with the same respect that I give him. I know there is no trust on his part, which is what I don't understand....I've NEVER given him a reason not to trust me...EVER. Well, after all this happened I did tell him that I was going to probably be moving out two weeks from now and he's surprisingly calm about it. So, I take that one of two ways...One he either has someone else and he's doing what he's doing to get me to leave, or he's about ready to flip out! I hope it's the first one! Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. Have a great day!
• United States
28 Jan 07
I did...but now we're divorced. He nearly cost me jobs, prevented me from seeing my friends and family, and forced me to drop out of school to get a better job to support HIM. The last straw for me was not him calling the cops on me, it was preventing me and my daughter (my mom's only granddaughter) from seeing her when she was dying (we didn't know that then, but after being in the hospital for six weeks on a respirator and sedated, she had a week where she was sitting up and walking around AND HE WOULDN'T LET ME GO!!! I'm now with a much more generous man that trusts me. It sounds like your guy has self-esteem problems and with your kids, I wouldn't allow him around them or you if he's been drinking. You have the right attitude--now take it to the bank and dump him, you deserve SO much better!
• United States
29 Jan 07
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That happened to me too, but it was my baby sisters graduation. I'm glad you got out of it...I'm about to!
@sigma77 (5385)
• United States
28 Jan 07
You have every right to be upset. Are you trying to earn a medal for good behavior? Sounds to me like you are in prison camp. And the Old Man is the warden. There is something wrong in this relationship. And that is, you are not in it. You are a slave and spectator. Why would your husband need to call you all day long? It looks like to me he is very possessive and has extremely low self-esteem. If he cannot trust you, through no fault of your own, he is the one with the problem, not you. Eventually, your marriage is headed toward a meltdown. For you, how can you survive being smothered by and endlessly jealous husband? From this post, it seems it is all a one way street and you are the one getting driven over by your husband. You deserve to have your own life too. That means a nap when you can, no interruptions, no interrogations, some friends, some activities outside of home life. This relationship is out of balance. It is time for you to make some demands of your own. Like ample time to rest, help with the kids and housework, time to have friends, accountability from your husband for his actions (drinking), and most of all that you be treated with respect. And to be treated like a queen. He has no right to act so childish and expect you to comform to his list of rules. You say you are fed up...that means it is time for you to law down Stephanie's Law and if your husband doesn't like it, you know what has to happen. I doubt he will ever change, that is unless you shake the daylights out of him by leaving him. Sorry, I don't want to tell you how to live, I only hope for you to be happy. I don't see any happiness is your marriage and that is sad. You seem like a person who deserves so much more.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 07
Awe thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it and it made me feel a whole lot better. I think I'm going to have to leave....I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face and it's not doing any good :-(
@tammyr (5969)
• Etowah, Tennessee
14 Feb 07
I feel for you. I hate to be woken up from a nap also. I think your man has an issue with control. He wants you to be under his control, I hate the double standard that some guys give to their women. I myself will not stand for it. I have left guys for less than that. I do not believe in jealousy. It is sign of either low-self eateem, fear, mental problems, or a guolty concious and I do not tolerate it. If a man can not trust me, Then Ican not find it in me to trust him!
1 person likes this
@MissGia (955)
• United States
29 Jan 07
i feel you, i hate when a nice nap gets absolutley ruined...give your hubby a taste of his own medicine.you call him 500 times while hes sleeping.. Then ask him if he likes and ask if someone is there..that is what i would do. People, especially your bf/husband, can get a bit out of control when you dont pick up your phone the first time. If your cell phone has an option for making alternate voicemail messages that you can change easily..make one for when you want your nap..that way when someone calls and gets to the voice mail they'll know your sleeping..just an idea...or just turn off your ringers till you wake up..cause Eff them, take a nap :)
1 person likes this
• India
29 Jan 07
My dear, you seem to be stressed out. Be cool, switch off the cell phone, take the house phone off the hook, and go to sleep,....an hour or two in a day wont change the world, but you will get the rest you need.
• United States
29 Jan 07
It sounds like to me you need a little vacation. I would treat him excatly how he treats me. Then when he says something, say it's alright for you, but not for me? Tell him your going to start doing the same things he is doing. Except he gets to go out and have fun while your stuck at home. One weekend, stick him with the kids and go get a massage or something. Treat yourself.
1 person likes this
• Rwanda
29 Jan 07
Go ahead girl...its not necessary u can apologise to whom ever if necessary when you wake up..
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 07
oh man i kno what you mean!! my phone does the same thing. its eaither my sisters, father in law, or mother in law calling. i just turn off my ringer. i have an answering machine so they can just leave a message and i will get back to them when i have the time. i am a new mother to a 4 month old, and it seems the phone would ring off the hook as soon as me and my son would go down for our morning nap! and of course the phone would wake him up! man would i be pissed, especially since its harder than hell go get him to sleep in the first place. i say turn off your phone and leave a message on your voice mail on ur cell saying you are busy or taking a nap, ill get back to you later. also my phone seems to ring worse after 8pm and thats my sons bedtime. and he gets super cranky if he doesnt sleep right on time. i just now got him back on schedule, he was off a few days. but yeah just turn your ringers off. if they dont like it tough. thats what i say, and if they dont leave a message then its their own fault, must not have been that important. hope this helps!
1 person likes this
• India
29 Jan 07
There is a good way of giving way to one's anger. the simple way is nothing but kicking the boxing sack thinking that it is your boss or your teacher or whoever you hate. Another method is to throw down bottles and break them thinking that you are throwing it on your deadliest enemy. I have been following all this and i feel better everyday. this is the secret for my remaining healthy and my blood sugar being in correct concentrations
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 07
You don't deserve to have accusations thrown at you left and right. It's unfair to you. He should see that you are a good wife and a good mother, undeserving of his attitude. You do NOT have to take this from him. He is being controlling and insecure, and you are far better than that!! I would have a serious talk with him. Let him know that his accusations bother you, and that just because HE has done the wrong things doesn't mean that you will.
1 person likes this
@nitty66 (207)
• Singapore
29 Jan 07
Steph..your man is just possessive & macho ! There are man who take their wife for granted. They think wife will do everything for them - that is the so called policy of some man. They think wives are their "cheap servants". I just hate these type of men. I understand you. Don't lose faith. What are you planning to do ? Anything in mind.
1 person likes this
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Dump the guy and his family that treats your kids so badly. Newsflash, cut the cell phone off and take the other phone off the hook. If your kids were home, why didn't they answer the phone? Tell him you were asleep?Why are you letting him tell you who you can see and who you can't? Grow-up, get a set of balls and send him on his way. Jealous men eventually end up hurting you. Physically or otherwise.
@doncris (637)
• Romania
29 Jan 07
Everyone deserves their privacy and should do everything to obtain it. Of course you should take a nap in peace and quiet. That's why you should set your mobile phone to silent mode, maybe even turn it off and naturally shut out the ringer of the house phone, or reduce it to minimum. When your nap time is over, you switch everything back on. It's easy and not stressful!;)
1 person likes this
@kiwimac (324)
• New Zealand
29 Jan 07
Look at the good advice in this thread, my friend. YOU need to make a change. Even though it is his problem, you are the only one who can change how it affects you. Don't put up with it! You have rights too.