HELP! My wife is mad at me for chastising her for the way she yells at our kids.

United States
January 31, 2007 9:41am CST
I have been married to this wonderful woman for 12 years now and we have four beautiful children. As far as I am concerned they are as normal as apple pie and fireworks on the 4th of july. The only problem I have is that she yells at our kids way too much. It has an impact on all of us when she yells. She is not violent, she does not spank but I feel there is some damage being done none the less. The work-around I have found is to deflect her anger towards me. I will say something that I know will piss her off so her attention will turn to me instead of the kids. But this looks bad to the children when they see mom and dad argue. I love and respect her and want to handle this in an approptiate way so she does not feel like a bad mother. So, I'm now ready for your advice, good or bad. Thanks, Saul Goode' http://www.abettechnologies.com
16 people like this
72 responses
@uath13 (8227)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I'll be keeping track of this discussion myself. My wife can be much the same way. She'll fly off the handle over simple things. I wish I had a solution for you. Maybe someone can help us both.
3 people like this
• United States
31 Jan 07
Well, men (many of them) are the same way. Believe me. I deal with this all the time.
2 people like this
@happymommy3 (2014)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Well, sounds like me. I also yell alot, and I know I shoudn't. I'm not violent either and hate to spank my kids so most of the time I'm yelling. If she's like me, she's probably just stressed out. With having 4 kids and if she's the one always doing things around the house and taking care of the kids she's probably just really stressed! I don't know how your situation is, but in mine, we have 3 kids and I don't think I would yell so much if my husband would help me a little more with the kids and help out here in there when he sees me going nuts trying to do a million things at one time. Do you help her out? Have you ever talked to her about how you feel about her yelling, but when the kids aren't around.
@paulnet (748)
• India
1 Feb 07
yaa you may be right, stressed one always yells. Try her a helping hand or spend a vacation out so that you get enough time spending together and discuss her. Things will get sorted out. Best of Luck!
• United States
31 Jan 07
Hi MBreinholt, I think that your marriage and your family sounds wonderful. As far as you chastising your wife, she is your wife not your child. One thing I would suggest is maybe you take in charge of the incident when they occur. Maybe asking your wife, what happened and then you taking over the chastising of your children explaining to them why their mom is upset at what they did and explaining how it was wrong and the correct way to do it and then having them apologize to your wife. - This is either something you can speak with your wife about before hand, or if you don't think she will be upset at you doing that on impulse than go ahead and do it that way. Second, I would advise that you speak with your wife privately. I wouldn't ever say anything to her in front of the kids because it makes it look like you are belittling her and kind of putting her on the kids level and she should still be looked at as someone with athority over them as well. Back to the main point, I would speak to your wife privately and see if there is something bothering her that may be causing her to be short tempered at bit. Maybe she is juggling too much and really needs some down time just for herself. Try these and see if they help. As I am sure you know communication is King and it is not what you say --but how you say it. When you speak to your wife, make it more of a concern for her and not so much as just for the children (although everyone will benefit). We woman sometimes just need a bit more attention and need to feel appreciated and that can change our moods drastically. Best of luck!!!
2 people like this
• United States
31 Jan 07
I would be furious if my husband took over while I was disciplining my kids. He has done this before, and it is infuriating. First off, most of the time, he has no clue what's even going on. He just hears the kids throwing a fit, and feels like he can come in w/out any knowledge of what's going on, and take over. Secondly, he can't stand it when he thinks I'm doing this to him. So I don't know if this is such a great idea. Not unless the wife is ok with it.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Feb 07
I agree, that is why I mentioned him speaking with her about it first if he thought it would cause further incident and also asking the wife what was the cause of the problem why she is chastising the children before he speaks. I guess he will have to do something, but the main focus is for him to help his wife out as much as he can so that she won't reach her boiling point so quickly. Thanks for reading my response and responding:-)
@sithlord (167)
• India
31 Jan 07
dude.....for god's sake shez ur wife...and you have 2 be honest with her didnt u take da vow at da altar,"FOR BETTER FOR WORSE"......so u definetly gotta ask her why she is shoutin a lil too much at da kids.....and maybe then u'll can work out a way to solve it...try and make her life a lil more easier..or less stressful...if u'll have been married for 12 years now...she might be have some problems wid u'll or somethin.......watever it is.....you have to find out...and above all make her understand dat no matter wat it is..u will always be there for her......and help her thru it...
• United States
31 Jan 07
We have talked about this a couple of times but ut seems to always end up an argument. I really want to help her but how do you help someone who believes there is nothing wrong? Thanks for the post, Saul Goode http://www.abettechnologies.com
• United States
1 Feb 07
sithlord why do you use words other can understand and read
@simplysue (631)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I'm not a yeller,however, I could be a yeller if I didn't have the option of getting out of the house and away from my kids at times. You asked for advice. I don't mean to sound harsh and am only trying to help you when I say "What are you thinking to provoke her into yelling at you in front of your kids?" That's just as bad as being yelled at themselves. Do yourself and your family a huge favor. When you feel your wife is losing it, offer her a chance to escape for a lil while. If she won't take it, take the kids off her hands and go do something with them so she has a lil alone time. If she is yelling about the house being a mess, get her out of there and you and the kids clean what you can while she is gone. Help her to cope. Back her up if she is yelling about a child misbehaving or not doing what they are supposed to do. Listen to what she says when she is yelling and try saying it outloud back to her. If she is out of line, she will most likely realize that she is yelling just to yell. If she isn't out of line, she will know that you hear what she is saying. :) Good Luck and best wishes for your family to work through this situation.
2 people like this
@Meljep (1668)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Talk to her out of ear shot of the kids and ask her to try a different approach for a few days. Tell her that people will usually listen to a whisper, but they will tune out someone who is yelling if it happens to many times. If she is setting this example, your children may grow up to be yellers when they have children. Children live what they learn.
@sylviekitty (2084)
• United States
31 Jan 07
My husband and I have been married nearly 9 years. We have 2 kiddos, between the ages of 3 and 5. We probably didn't realize til our youngest was born, just how different we feel about parenting. And when you have a son with Autism (or frankly, with any disability that leaves him/her frustrated as all heck and prone to melt downs at a moment's notice), you have no idea til you have that child what you will do or say to deal with the situation. My husband and I definitely have different ways of dealing with our kids. There are times when he comes home from work, and it's like he expects his kids to be perfect angels. And when they're not, he yells. So they see that the only time daddy is home, he's a big grump. not much fun to be around. And most of what I get during the day is a bunch of yelling and fighting kids. I'm tired of it, myself! So yeah, if I can't spank my kids, I yell! You're not always going to like how your wife deals with your kids at the time you see her dealing with them. And I can guarantee you that she does not always like the way she sees you deal with them, at the moment YOU deal with them. That's how it is. When you see somebody yelling at your child- be it your spouse, their own parent- it makes you feel protective of them. You can't help it. I feel that way when I see my husband yelling, and I know he feels that way when the roles are reversed. And when I yell, I can feel badly about it. Sometimes while I'm yelling, sometimes after the fact. But who is dealing with your children all day long? You? Or her? If it's mostly her, she's probably frustrated as all heck. She needs a break now and then, and I hope you at least let her get a time out for herself, so that she can be a better mom. :)
@rubypatson (1843)
• India
31 Jan 07
When you are alone and she is in a good mood you must explain your thoughts to her, all your fears too, since she is good wife she is sure to understand
2 people like this
• United States
31 Jan 07
Do you spend as much time with the kids as she does? Do you get upset with her yelling and say something in front of the children? I am not a yelling type of person but I do know that I spend 90% more time with my son than his father does because of his work schedule. Which leaves me to deal with the brunt of the punishing and staying on top of him and all the 'non' fun stuff. My husband walks in the door and sees me upset and hasn't the first clue what I have had to put up with but he will assume I'm out of control because I'm firmly getting on my son's case about something. Fact is, he's not there.. he doesn't understand that for an hour or two before he got home I may have been asking my son to do something and he's been giving me a hard time or avoiding his chores or doing something he knows he's not suppose to be doing. It might look like all I do is get upset with him, to my husband, but that's because he's not here to see the earlier behavior that led up to the firm reprimanding when he happens to walk in the door. He ONCE said something in front of my son and later that night I was sure to let him know that I did not appreciate it and that in the future, if he wants to discuss my parenting with me - it is to be done behind closed doors and not in front of our child. Parents need to have a united front when the kids are around and if there are issues in style - make a mental note and discuss it later when they are in bed. You need to talk to your wife and find out why she is having to yell so much. I'm sure by the end of the day she is drained and would love nothing more than to not have to yell at her kids. Maybe there is some way you could help. Maybe you aren't stepping up and doing any of the punishing or whatever because you think the kids are normal as can be - but she knows they are REALLY normal which means they aren't perfect and get into trouble and do things that kids aren't suppose to do but do anyway. I would wait until the kids are asleep and talk to her. Ask her what's going on and if there is anything you can do to help. Maybe a child is giving her a real hard time lately and you could talk to that child and let them know how hard it is for mommy to always have to yell at them. Anyhow, you get what I mean. Just talk to her but don't be critical. Ask her what the kids are doing that is making her have a bad day with them. Ask if she wants you to talk to the kids and set them straight on anything. I'm sure your kids are normal but just remember that normal kids give their parents a hard time once in awhile and sometimes they need dad to come in and tell them to fly right. Good luck!
2 people like this
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
31 Jan 07
i am the proud mother of 2 teenagers girls ( free to good home ) lol and when they were younger i to yelled sometimes it seemed like that was the only way to get their attention but as they got a little older i found a better way of getting their attention i made a list of their chores because that wa what the fighting was usually about and they had to mark them off as they completed them at the end of the week if all their chores were not marked off i took away their favorite toy for the week i also found a good way to relieve my stress of being a stay at home mom was to start a journal and i also joined a book club and my x stayed with the kids one night a week while i went to the book club meetings tell her to find something that she is really into maybe even take a college class if there is a college close to you that will get her out into the "real" world without kids hanging on her and that will help its not good for the kids to see their parents fighting because they know when you take her attention away from them to you its their fault she is yelling at you and they will grow to resent her
2 people like this
• United States
31 Jan 07
Have you tried having a good talk to her alone, without the kids around. Screaming at the children is not good at all. It is just showing how much anger she has built up inside. Do you think perhaps this is her way of letting out her anger from other things, and not just the children upsetting her. I would let her know that this is not good for the children and its teaching them that this behavior is ok. There are plenty of other things that can be done like a simple time out, or grounding them as punishment. Let her know that it bothers you also and that may make her tone it down.
2 people like this
• United States
31 Jan 07
You need to get her out of the house for a night or two and pass your kids off to someone (relatives) and go and spend some time together. I know when I start yelling it's because I'm stressed and I can't see nor sleep straight anymore! Then my husband gets me away from the world (taking me out, getting out of town) and I feel so much better and relaxed by the time I come home and I now can see and sleep straight! So take her out! She needs some time away from the kids! She also needs you to support her!
2 people like this
• United States
31 Jan 07
I had this problem with my husband and one day I st down and told him I wanted to show him how it looked to our 4 children when he yelled. Now he is 6 foot 4 and they were toddler to children aged so he sat in the floor I climbed a stool and yelled towering over him . He got the picture. Now we still yell from time to time but mostly we catch ourselves and sit down and talk. If one child did wrong we take them to a room and discuss why and what the punishment is and why so that way its not in front of the whole house and the others do not get upset. Yelling is a form of mental abuse and your right its not fair for your children to see her yell at you either. Ifd she yells more at one certain time of day like in the mornings when getting children ready or during home work etc you should take over the children at that time. for me mornings with my littlest daughter is pure hell and my hubby took over the morning time ritual when he can, it takes that stress away and I can relax. Also I found that we had high blood pressure and that made the tolernce very short and caused yelling as well. Hope it gets better talk to her take her some where or write her a letter take the kids out and come back when the smoke clears.
• Melbourne, Florida
31 Jan 07
You have to help her find other ways to express her anger and frustration. Yelling is probably the only way she knows to react to stress. It is a learned behavior that would have started from her parents. The good thing is that learned behavior can be changed. The best way to handle it is with love, and understanding. Explain to her that you know she doesn't do it on purpose, but you want her to be aware of it. You want her to see how the yelling has a negative impact on you and the children. If you need some help, there is a great website called Marriage Builders. You should check it out.
2 people like this
• India
31 Jan 07
Hey man! Any way she is your wife,so it's best if you sit with her and discuss why she does so. This is sure to solve the problem if you both understand and coopoerate with each other.
2 people like this
• India
31 Jan 07
I think the best way to come out of this is to talk to her persnally and try to make her understand.
2 people like this
@ktroth (378)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I'm a mom of two and I'm sure my kids are normal as can be, but sometimes I find myself yelling over something I really shouldn't be yelling about. Most of it is due to stress. I will snap on my kids if I'm having a difficult day--and it's not their fault I'm having a bad day, but they did something to irritate me and all the stress of the day is taken out on them. Sometimes I feel unappreciated by my husband and kids and that causes me to snap too. I guess all I can say is show her how much you appreciate her. Tell her how thankful you are for her. And when you see her interacting positively with the kids, tell her you love to see her doing those things. No one likes to be criticized for their parenting, right or wrong. So it's a sensitive area. However, if she never used to be a yeller until you had kids, it's the stress of being a mom that's causing this. Maybe you could give her one day off every week or something. Good luck to you! And kudos to you for taking it upon yourself to try and resolve this in a way that won't hurt your wife!
2 people like this
@blueskies (1186)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I would suggest that she get some counseling. It's possible that she is depressed. Depression doesn't always come across as sadness, it can show itself as irritability and over-sensitivity as well. Before mentioning counseling, perhaps you could sit her down and tell her that you are worried about her. That she seems tense lately and you want to help her feel better. Ask her if there is anything you can do around the house. Ask her if she'd like to spend more time alone with you (date night). I know that I get moody pretty frequently and I would love it if my husband would offer to help me or even ask me what is wrong in an understanding way.
31 Jan 07
I would have a talk to her about it. Why don't you see if there is a trigger for her anger, such as something she eats, or a particular stress in her life.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Jan 07
she have anger problem.. she should see a psychiatrist..seriously..
@VickiB (48)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Okay, that was realllll helpful! You are obviously not a mom.
• United States
31 Jan 07
I agree. This person obviously doesn't have kids. LOL