friend issues.

February 1, 2007 9:30pm CST
This place seems like a good place to get advice + i might get different points of views because i hate seeing my wife heart broken over friendships. So as you've probably guessed, my wife is having trouble with her friends. Alot of them i personally don't like because they use her and go away. it's never been this bad but now her best friends getting all. "i'm going through a hard time.." and cuts her off completly. Which has made her very upset. (with good reason) She pretty stood by this friend when he "so called friends did the same thing" and she promised never to do it to her but now she is and they haven't spoke for awhile. I'm not going to tell her these aren't true friends or that i don't believe that her best friend has issues. (i do believe she's fine) loyalty means something to us both and i can understand that it's hard to rebuild new friends. (which is what i would do) I'd appreciate any opinions regarding this because i have tried speaking to her friend. all i got was "i'm just a phone call or text away"
11 people like this
41 responses
• United States
2 Feb 07
Joey, I don't mind your rambling on but I am a little confused as to why her friends would talk to you and not her. I do however agree that these so-called friends are not worth the energy of your wife's hurt. your wife needs to realize that she has done everything possible for their friendship but she has to learn to respect herself and make new friends and let go. Believe me. it's not easy but in the long run she'll feel a lot better off. Just show her and stand by her and let her know that you are her true best friend and that you will always be there for her.
8 Feb 07
i know some of her friends. her best friend is my friend to although she isn't now and never will be again. for kate she will forgive but i see her doing this again if her boy friend dumps her she'll come running back she before "i'm not dating. friendship means more, i'm sorry" was what she said last time and my wife knows that i liked her but i said then i would take it as gospal because people always hang more with there boy friends. (which is cool) but to push a caring friend out it's pretty lame to say the least. she knows i will. =) thank you! ~joey
@7nicole1 (1634)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
Well buddy thats kind of a hard one to deal with. Alot of my friends where like that as well so I stopped hanging with them and met a whole new crowd. All you can really do is just be there for her and see if you can take her our somewhere she coould possibly meet some new friends.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 07
I totally agree and had a selfish friend like this too. It was best to just cut your ties and go elsewhere. There are plenty of friends out there!
@sunita64 (6473)
• India
2 Feb 07
a messy situation indeed, better try to become your wife's best friend so that she may not need any of her pseudo friends.Share in the activites she is interested.Once she realises you as best friend then she will need no one else.
• India
2 Feb 07
You are mistaken for sure....No man can find time to satisfy a womens need of friends .....They`ll always be busy in work and tired at home.Only on weekends they`ll be free but in those weekends too they are troubled by neighbors and guests.So hardly a man finds time to get together with a women....
2 Feb 07
I am her best friend but she needs friends aside from me. (just like i do) she's mine but i still need other friends i can speak to when trouble hits. ~Joey
@charms88 (7541)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
I know what you mean. Among my group of friend, everyone knew that I'm very loyal and generous with them. To some of them, they took adavnatge of it. I had posted my reply previously with a similar discussion. This one particular friend didn't only use me, she stole my things and betrayed me. When I confronted her with the group, they witnessed a side of me they had never seen before. I was real angry that I felt there's fire coming out of my ears. To this day, this friend kept sending me gifts and I know that she's doing it as a way for compensating for what she did to me before. But I don't trust her anymore.
21 Feb 07
I'm sorry to hear that. I guess i and many others should be careful although in this example both myself and my wife thought of her as caring person just like us. We don't have anything to do with her, which is sad. Thanks for your responses, ~Joey
@lisa101 (1363)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Im not sure what advice to give you on this. All i can say is for you to just try to be there for her and im sure you are no doubt. In the long run your friendship will mean more to her than anyone elses. I know she needs her girl friends too but maybe she will be willing to find more if this problem doesn't clear up.
11 Feb 07
Hey lisa! =) This is what she's trying to do. I keep coming up with ways to get us out but she does although she still wants to be friends with her current missing friend. (who clearly doesn't want to know now) i've dropped it. I want to focus on taking her swimming and parent groups etc =) ~Joey P.s thank you for your input! =)
@Fluplup (556)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Sorry for this situation. Try to talk to her nicely, tell her how much you love her and she is the only friend for you. Also do not say anything her friend, mother, etc... just tell her you're here for her. Do not talk to her friends, please NO! Make plans, spend lot's of time with her, she is your wife and you're her husband, your marrige is first not a friendship with other people.
3 Feb 07
Our marrige is important buddy. we both respect friendship and see it as major part in our lifes. (in many ways we share the same ideas when it comes to being friends) ~joey
• United States
3 Feb 07
Hugs to your wife. It does hurt when friends turn out to not be friends. I went thru a similiar situation with someone who called herself my best friend, then took joy in bad talking me to other mutual friends and spreading lies then not owning up to them. She needs better friends and not understand she isnt to blame,but that friends come into your life for a reason,season or lifetime and even the bad experiences teach you lessons to take into your life,as your grow.It takes awhile to trust new friends but it can be done! Just be there for her and reassure her!Tell her you dont lose when you lose fake friends!
3 Feb 07
We've had a little chat about it now. (i will remain to be there, i never leave her side and when she's down i always want to put a smile on her face) she's glad that she's found out. (still part wishes she was friends with her but she has decided to leave it for now) thanks lush =) ~joey
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
i am going to send you an email i received from my sister about relationships which might help explain the reasons and meanings of people who come into our lives, some stay and some go. This helped me understand those friends who have gone, those friends you know are still there but haven't seen nor talked to for some time, those that just came, and, of course, those friends who stayed. I hope this will help your wife too. If you're not comfortable giving out your email address, let me know and I'd type it out here for you.
2 Feb 07
I'm fine with it. (after i type this out i'll send you it in a message) =) Thanks. i really appreciate it. ~Joey
@soumyaraj (401)
• India
2 Feb 07
I AM REALLY TOUCHED TO SEE SUCH A KIND N CONSIDERATE HUSBAND.. why on earth does she need a friend when she has got husband who is more than a 1000 best friends together.... Iam pretty in the same state, my husband is my best friend I have seen those so called friend who r there to tk adv of u only ,,so tell her nt to get so involved....be with her always..... best of luck!!!!!
3 Feb 07
I am an idiot at times. (a funny one) hehe.. Thanks. I guess she can't have girly chats with me or other things which females do. (not a clothes shopper here) lol Just like my older brothers my best friend. we all need a friend who's just like us. cheers soumyaraj! ~joey
• United States
2 Feb 07
Most of my friends are that way, I'm starting to think it's very commen amoung us females. The only thing I can suggest is that she get involved in something that can make her some new friends, join a club or pick up a new skill. Maybe her friend just needs some "me" time. I know I have gone through that. Even though I still try to keep in touch with my friends, there are times where I just don't want to talk.
2 Feb 07
I think it's common both ways but i have noticed that females/girls fall out or loose interest as they find new things in life. I agree your comments but i don't think she needs me time, more like bf and fake friends time but it's her loss really. (oh and my wifes) ~Joey
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
it's her own personal battle.
2 Feb 07
Not really. When you care for someone you'll help them. she's asked my advice and i've told her my opinion. i haven't told her not bother but these people aren't friends. (so if it troubles her, i will help her) tis only personal if she chooses it to be =) kudos
• India
2 Feb 07
u wife has some bad luck...
2 Feb 07
She's also had alot of goodluck which out shines the bad things. we've both had rough times together which is why we're so close. =) ~joey
@kareng (7980)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Her so called friend's actions speak for themself. If she doesn't answer phone calls or answer emails then she is NOT "just a phone call away". Sorry but she is not your wife's friend anymore. She has found another priority or another so called friend to use and abuse. Tell your wife to chalk it up to experience and go out and meet some new friends.
2 Feb 07
I know buddy. We've been out today (to cheer her up). thanks for sharing your views, we all learn from experience i'm just not sure if it's cruel of me to say that she doesn't need her. ~Joey
• India
2 Feb 07
Your wife should take it easy and she should call her friends
2 Feb 07
Indeed. =) She tries to call her friends but most never answer or do and say there busy etc. (she gets e-mails back from some) - there mainly crap about themself as if there more important then my wife. i think my wofe problem is she'll be friends with anyone who talks, i'm the same i just won't waste my time if the person i'm speaking to doesn't bother. (she will) ~joey
@abednego7 (1060)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
Friendships is a relationship between people, it needs inter action, give and take. Those friends who claim to be one but not doing it is not friends for real. We all know its hart to trust again and start another one being deceive by the previous. But you should encourage your wife that not all people are the same. So its possible that she can find a true friends in due time. You is the great example that she can still find a friend that will not take her for granted.
2 Feb 07
Thanks abednego. Yes she can find better friends, she just needs to look and find 'em. with confidence i think she will =) ~Joey
@ginagee (843)
2 Feb 07
Hi Joey, sorry to hear that your wife has these problems with her friends. Having friends is never as straightforward as we would like it to be, sometimes they are more trouble than they're worth! A true friend is someone who is always there for you no matter what. Even if they have problems they will still help you out. I agree with being loyal to your friends but first you must decide which 'friends' are for real and which are not. It seems to me that these 'friends' are more users than anything else, they pick and choose when they want to be a friend. That's not what a true friendship is all about. I think your wife should be really honest with herself and decide what and who is more important to her. There's no point in getting upset about this. I've have only 4 true friends, they've been my friends for about 28 years and we are always there for each other regardless of what goes on in our lives. I've known many, many people in my life and at the time they were a friend but they come and go. good luck.
2 Feb 07
Thats what i told her best friend. I mentioned that it would be sad for them both to loose each other since they alot alike but shes changed since meeting people off myspace who are doing to her what shes doing to wife. Thanks ginagee. =) ~joey
@lols189 (4797)
2 Feb 07
i think u an ur wife should have a good talk 2 these people an c wat there problems arean offer all ur support in helpin them. if there still not interested then forget about them because then it seems there not true friends. good luck
2 Feb 07
I've tried talking to the ones i know. Some are busy which i understand but her best friend doesn't really have a reason. (she said in her reply she had time for her boy friend)
@rodnic12 (129)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I guess most females have those kind of friends. But I actually went threw the same situation and it was a very dramatic period in my fiance life. I did the same thing "dont tell her who her true friends are" and it got worse and worse intill me fiance said forget it. But as life went on we discussed certain situations mostly about her friends and family. One thing she said she wished could have been done different was me telling her who her true friends were. Because then she could have been distance herself. SO I think you should let your wife know something or she will always become moody about her friend.
2 Feb 07
Thanks rodnic. I will do this. =) The thing i hate about this is because most are fake and selfish. i can only say 2-3 at the most are true, which is why i haven't said cut 'em out your life. (her best friend imo should be cut off because i don't see her talking to my wife now) ~Joey
@clownfish (3277)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Hi! I've had friends like that - everything is about them then when you need to talk about something.... you get nothing in return! I just had to cut off a friendship like that because she was just draining me. I would literally spend hours listening to her and giving her advice and she would take no advice and change nothing. It was just the same thing over and over again. I just had to end the friendship because it was bad for me. My hubby told me as much several times. I know it would be hard for you to tell your wife not to be friends with certain people. What you could do is point out if she acts "down" or "emotionally drained" and tell her that it's not fair for her friends to do that to her. Friends should make you feel good and share your interests, not be emotional vampires. To a degree, your wife will have to reach that conclusion on her own, but there's nothing wrong with you helping her to see the truth! Best to you! :-)
2 Feb 07
I've had friends like this myself and i stopped hanging around with them. (i'd rather have none than have ones who don't care) =) my wife different tho. she found it hard when she couldn't catch up with her shool friends that now live to far away to visit often. (they still chat from time to time which is cool) thanks for leaving your opinion and advice. =) ~joey
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
12 Mar 07
I am so sorry to read this and I hope by now it has resolved either way. I know how your Wife feels as I have had it done to me. Not just once and I got very upset, but it happens and I am sorry but they are not true Friends. Friends don't do this to you. It is hard and specially cause your Wife has always stood by her. I don't know what to suggest but I guess either way it has sorted and no doubt you stood by her all the way through it.