Getting married and got some issues...

@vicat506 (132)
United States
February 3, 2007 5:55pm CST
I am marrying my fiancee on April 21st and I couldn't be happier. I love him so much and know that he is the man I want to be with. Having said that, I have a couple of issues that have come up and need some opinions. My mom and dad got divorced in 1986 and each family hates each other more and more as the years go on. My brother sides with my moms family, and my sister with my dads....which leaves me smack dab in the middle and I catch a lot of crap for that. I thought it would be fair if I just invited my brother and sister to the wedding to avoid any conflicts...or world war III... Well my mom had a fit that I didn't invite her so she told my brother that my dads family was really gonna be there (when they really aren't) and he changed his mind about comming. All I wanted to do was have a small wedding with my brother and sister (whom I haven't even seen together in the same room for more than 4 years) and both sides are taking the 'divide and conquer' approach with us. My mother said I had no right not to invite her and I should have, but I didn't invite anyone from the other side either, and I'm having the same trouble with the other side too...they're pissed I didn't just invite them. Was I right in what I did? Any ideas on what I can do? (or any foriegn countries I can move to in a hurry? :)lol) Thanks guys!
9 people like this
54 responses
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
4 Feb 07
Oh I can really understand that your mom had a fit. Ofcourse she wanna be there on your big day and it is only fair that she accepts that your dad will be there too. they are both your parents and u love the,, This is your day!! Just tell them that u expect them to behave, just like all people did on their wedding... If they have disagreements they can take them afterwords..
3 people like this
@onesiobhan (1330)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
You have a right to invite or not invite anybody you want to. It's your wedding. In situations like that I usually only invite people who I know can behave themselves appropriately even people they hate happen to be there. If they can't be trusted not to make a scene, I don't invite them, and I tell them flat out why they aren't invited. I don't expect that my friends and family members will always get along, but I do expect them to be adults about it.
@janmar (115)
• United States
4 Feb 07
Yuck! How terrible that you cannot invite your own family without fearing fights! Well, personally, I would invite my best friends and my husband to be's family and write a letter that explains the situation to the rest of them. Tell them you are sad that you feel that way, but this is your big day and YOU DO have the right to choose who is going to help you CELEBRATE and share the Good feelings weddings are supposed to have. There are few times in our lives that truly belong to us and one of those times is when we marry the person we love. Good luck and congrats on the wedding. I hope you laugh all evening and have a wonderful honeymoon!
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I appreciate that. I want all my family there, but they have all informed me that they will not show up if the other family is there. :(
@janmar (115)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Their loss. Have a great time without them. Make each side a video tape or cd of the celebrations and a little note that says...Sooo Solly ya missed it. :)
1 person likes this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
12 Feb 07
Thanks :) We're just gonna give someone there our videocamera and have them tape it...keep it lowkey. The thought had crossed my mind tho...lol.
@feeding11 (222)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I think you got caught up in a moment of what your family goes through to think straight. And in doing this "not inviting" thing you crated a more unwelcoming environment for your family about you. Now if you do invite them do you really think they will truely be happy? No they won't. They will feel as though you are only doing it out of guilt of what others tell you. The only way to save this situation is to NOT save it. Send an apology to each of your parents. Invite your family, all of them! Whether you believe this or not your parents have probably dreamed about all of their kids wedding days and how each of them would be so happy for it to come true for you and your siblings. Sounds to me that you are letting others decide for you. If you cannot handle this now what do you possibly think every holiday will be from now on with any of your family. You have made them feel betrayed. You need to find a way to come to reality that your decision has affected your future already. What are you going to do if you have a baby, "their grandchile" have them come to the hospital seperatly? You have to realize that you cannot control all situations and if you do feel this way learn to let it go now. What your family decides to do during an event in your life is out of your control and lies in their hands only. I think you underestimate your parents. don't you think they both want to be involved in your life enough to know that they both will NOT cause any problems for you, your happiness, and will not want to humilate you at all. You have a lot to undo what you created yourself. Good luck!
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Both sides to ld me before hand that they would not go if the other side did not go, that's why I didn't invite them. My mom also informed me she would make my life miserable if I invited my dad's family. They all act like 2 year olds and this is an adults only party!
1 person likes this
• Canada
5 Feb 07
Tell your mom that you are inviting both of your parents, and how they handle it is their choice. If she wants to allienate herself from you for it, that is her choice. You have a life to lead, and a wedding to plan, and you will no longer let her control you.
1 person likes this
@Brooke3 (614)
4 Feb 07
I think you did the right thing, in your situation I would probably do the same. You relaly don't want people to be fighting at your wedding. Have youthought about maybe eloping?
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Ya we have, but it's very important to me having the whole wedding thing. We can't exactly have a big wedding (he's from Mexico and none of his family can come) so we compromised on a half-sized wedding. I know no one knows the extent of my issues with my parents, and I don't like to go into all the details, but they have both let me down with this whole thing.
1 person likes this
@dejiflow (128)
• Nigeria
4 Feb 07
I believe you should have invited you dad, mum, brother and sister. Its really not good to try to manipulate things to suit yourself. They all are part of your nuclear family and you should leave them to work out their inter personal relationships.
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I want to but my mom has made it very clear she and her family will make my life hell if I invite the other side, and this is all my fault. I'm only suppoused to have relations with her side because he was the bad guy in the "marriage" they had. Well it's MY life, and I refuse to let myself hang on to all the bad memories in my life and end up like her...in and out of mental institutes.
1 person likes this
@bicklelady (1411)
• United States
4 Feb 07
Your wedding is suppose to be the most important day in your life. I would sat down and write them a letter and let them know that this will be your day and not theres. So if they wanted to come thay would have to leave there attitudes at home. Good luck.
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Ya I tried talking to them. My dad I don't think would be a problem, but my mother had the nerve to tell me that if my father walked me down the aisle, she'd never speak to me again. And she said I should have nothing to do with my dad's family, only my mom's family should be allowed to go.
• United States
4 Feb 07
I can sympathize! When I married my first (or as I like to say, practice) husband, I didn't invite my parents (and they were still married at the time!) and both were very hurt. I explained that it was a quick wedding during lunch hour, nothing to be excited about. My second marriage I actually had a wedding. My parents, divorced, both came. My mom lives with me, but my dad drove up from TN to MD with my grandmother. He behaved himself, which I am surprised, and I am glad that they both got to be a part of this special day. I think inviting both parents, and siblings, is the way to go. Just have them sit in opposite sections of your side of the church, to avoid arguments. Also, let them know that both are being invited, and as it is *YOUR* day, they'd better not do anything to disrupt it. I would assign one of the males from your guest list/wedding party the responsibility of keeping an eye on your parents, and giving them the authority to ask them to leave if it gets out of hand. We did this because my dad has a tendency to be a jerk, and I wanted to know that there was someone I trusted to deal with it so I wouldn't have to worry.
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I tried that already and they both made it very clear they would not have anything to do with each other. At first I was gonna bend backwards to make everyone happy, but then I realized they were doing nothing in return for me to make me happy on my day.
@XxAngelxX (2832)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Personally I think you should have invited your parents as well as the rest of your family, however it is your decision to make. It is your wedding and you have to do as you see fit. My parents also divorced years ago and hate each other, however when my sister and I got married, they were invited and were mature enough not to cause a scene at our weddings. Don't worry about what other people think, do what you think is best and enjoy your day! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
They are not mature enough...well I know my mom isn't. My parents act like 2 year olds and I cannot have them both in the same room at the same time.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Feb 07
Personally i think that you should have invited your mom, dad, and siblings. However if you have good reason not to invite either mom or dad then thats your business. Who really cares about what the extended family thinks? If your brother and sister choose not to come, thats their choice, if they dont beleive that someone isnt going to be there all you can do is tell them they wont be. It sucks that they all fight and dont wnat to be near eachother, i know it makes it hard to do much. You can only invite who you really want there and leave it up to them to decide if they're grown up enouhg to get over it and make you happy on your special day. I hope all goes well for you and that they grow up and get over it. Best of luck in your future together.
2 people like this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
My parents do not get along and both informed me that if either one had any part in my wedding, they would not go.
1 person likes this
@jchampany (1131)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I say that this is YOUR day, not theirs. You can do whatever you want. You don't have to invite anyone if you don't want to. Especially since they are giving you ultimatums. If my mom or my dad said they wouldn't go if the other is, that is when I would say okay I guess you aren't going then. Sorry that you have to deal with this. Don't let it get you down. Focus on the joy that you and your future husband will have that day and every day after that.
2 people like this
• Australia
4 Feb 07
Just invite both of them but make them promise that there will be no fight. Remind them that this is your big day and you want to spend it in peace with family. I dont think it is right not to invite your parents, but given your circumstances I could understand why you did that. Try again, invite both, but make them promise not to ruin your big day for you. :)
2 people like this
• United States
4 Feb 07
First off, whose wedding is it? YOURS. Don't let anyone else tell you who to invite or not invite--right now by leaving you in the middle to begin with and acting like children, I really think you'd be better off eloping and sending them a picture AFTER the fact, with a copy of your wedding registry with items not received highlighted. Really, some people need to realize that they cannot rule someone else's life--I mean, it sounds like everyone needs to grow up by you. Good luck (and if you elope out of the country, don't forget to get your passport!) Good luck!
4 Feb 07
i had the same problem when i got married my mum and dad are divorced and my brother has nothing to do with him even though i am really close to my dad my mum said she would be ok if my dad came but not with his new wife my brother wouldnt come then if my dad came my dad woulnt come if his wife couldnt i just had to weigh up the facts of who had been there for me the most and it was my mum and brother so didnt invite my dad that was April last he still isnt talking to me but its your day people to understand and respect that if they cant its there loss is how i see it
2 people like this
@marty3888 (2359)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I think eoither you or someone sane shoould have a talk with them. I think that both your mom and your dad should be at the wedding and for just a few hours can't evryone be civil to each other? Theydon'thave to talk to each other, they don't even have to be on the same side of the room. And as far as your brother and sister, I would tell them both mom and dad are invited, you're invited but of course it up to everyone whether they want to attend.
2 people like this
• India
4 Feb 07
why dont you invite noone.......get married in front of your friends, afterall why have a scene at such a nice occassion......or you can invite them and tell them that they will not fight or talk about/with each other at the wedding.maybe this will help
2 people like this
@earthsong (589)
• United States
4 Feb 07
Its your wedding and you need to do what ever you think is necessary to have a happy day with as little added stress as possible. My hubby and I got married in our living room with just his best man, my maid of honor, our photographer and my close friend who is an ordained minister. Do it the way you want, don't tell anyone when and consider it an at-home elopment.
2 people like this
@Sasselle (698)
• Australia
4 Feb 07
My friend was in the same situation as you - in the end I believe she invited her siblings plus her mum and dad [and their new partners] and told them all that it was HER day and not theirs and if they can't put aside their squabbling for a few hours and let her be happy then they can just get out of her life. It seemed to work though. You mum just sounds very jealous [and hurt] - she probably just "assumed" that you would let her attend. In the end it comes down to what you and future hubby-to-be want ... not what any family member or friend wants!
2 people like this
• India
12 Feb 07
Invite EVERYBODY, from all sides, maybe this is an opportunity to get the family together. You may be apprehensive about a possible conflict, but believe me, a happy occassion like this usually gets people together. Tell them all that they are all important to you and you love them all and want to make sure there is only happiness on this occassion.
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I had already tried. My dad's fam said they wouldn't be happy about it, but would be okay with it. My mom's family won't go, and some of them aren't speaking to me now because I "dared" to put them in the same room together.
@vkbllm (474)
• India
4 Feb 07
Hi... Well Donno what to say, but I'm sure you got how important is in life that both parents should always be united! Take care of this in your married life...! Regarding your problem, I think you should have a direct talk with all of the desputed members of your family.] Ask them cant they for get their defrences just for a day for your sake, you are not stranger for them. You are of their own. Cant they do this for your sake! If they cant....Anounce that you will be marrying privately without any of them being invited! I hope this can work, this certainly can work, the will be united under a roof for you, for your love! Just try it... Any ways, Best of luck for your martial life!!!!!!!
1 person likes this
@vicat506 (132)
• United States
5 Feb 07
They have made it clear they will not... :(