Should I go or shouldn't I go

United States
February 5, 2007 8:08am CST
Ok my stepdaughter is turning 16 her mom is throwing her a party of course we aren't invite no big deal. My problems is we asked what she wanted for her birthday and she stated she wants her (DAD)to take her out to dinner and shopping for clothes. Now my husband expects and wants me to go. I don't want to.I told him that she stated she only wanted him. My step daughter hates me and there is always abattle at home about it afterward. I assume just stay home and let them go shopping. But he says he doesn't want to do that because of the last problem and what she was buying and how she took advantage of him. Is there away to gracefully get out of this or should I just suck it up and go?
2 people like this
3 responses
• United States
6 Feb 07
As a step-mom myself, I think I know how you're feeling. You said that she "took advantage" of him last time? How so? I'm assuming she was buying things that her mother dissaproved of. If that's the case, I would tell him to sit her down and talk to her before they go. He needs to make her understand that she shouldn't be trying to do things that she knows her mother wouldn't allow. As far as the issue of you going, I can relate a little because when my step-sons want to do things with their father, they want to do these things with ONLY their father and I gracefully take a step back because I know how important the parent-child bond is. Just try to explain to him that it is her birthday and that's what she asked for, so maybe he could be a little more understanding.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Feb 07
I'm really sorry to hear that you're having to go through all that. From your first discussion, I didn't realize that she was being so intolerable. I do think that he needs to have a serious talk with her. For God's sake, she's 16? She's acting like I did when my father married my step-mother...and I was 9! I think she needs a serious additude adjustment and a lesson or two in respect for other people.
• United States
9 Feb 07
Yeah I would expect it if we just go together but we have been together for awhile and it's just getting worse. We are calling about counseling today hopefully we can break through somewhere.
@StarBright (2799)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Let’s take a step back and look at what is really going on here. Your step daughter is 16. A child, but almost a woman. Obviously, very strong feelings that have not been let out. Thrown into a situation that she hates. Forced to accept another woman in her father’s life to replace her mother whom she loves dearly. Not easy. She is thinking, “If Dad can toss Mom aside, then he can toss me aside too. And on top of that, they are talking about having a baby. I am being replaced.” This poor girl is fighting for survival. No wonder she hates you. The provocative clothes are a way of getting attention. Not the right attention, true. Getting money from Dad is her proof that he cares. Misplaced values, of course. From her mother, maybe? She may blame you for her parents not getting back together. Unfortunately, these are issues you alone cannot solve. You and your husband have to make her feel welcome together. It won’t be easy. Her mother may have planted enough poison and bitterness in the girl’s mind to destroy the state of Texas. You may be fighting an uphill battle. Love, understanding and patience are your only weapons. Some serious father/daughter talks are in order. After that, then you can share some step-mother/step-daughter talks and outings where you let her know you are not there to replace her mother, but there for her. As far as the shopping outing, compromise. Let them have their lunch alone, just the two of them. Then you join them for the shopping. Rather than telling her things are inappropriate, try finding other words to describe the things she wants to buy. You will have to become an armchair psychiatrist. There is an old expression "It ain't what you say, it's the way how you say it." LOL. This is certainly true for teenagers. Everyone, really. Good luck.
• United States
7 Feb 07
I am afraid the situation is not as it looks. Her father and I have been together for 6 years. He got divorced after repeatedly catching her with other men. This was the third time they had gotten divorced. By the time I met my husband his x had already moved somebody in. My step daughter came to live with us because she stated her mother was abusing her so we requested custody which her mom gladly gave us and told me she will ruin your marriage just like mine. I thought it was wierd and let if go. Then the horror came LOL. She would lie to her dad create all kinds of problems. I chalked it up to her needing to adjust so we started family counsling this went on for a year to the point that my kids wouldn't come out of thier rooms because she was so mean and manipulative. My husband and I split because I couldn't take it. He ended up moving in with just her after 2 weeks he was going crazy because she turned on him. So he moved back in and she moved in with her mother. Now her mom who had a stable relationship is now fighting with her husband of her daughter. They are all in counseling together. I tried to fit her into my life and love and care for her but she would constantly tell me that if I didn't get rid of my kids I didn't really love her and that is something I wouldn't do. She tried to tell her dad the same horrible storys about abuse but about me this time. Luckly my husband saw through it because he realized it was the same thing she said about his x. Don't get me wrong I love my step daughter I just hope that when she grows up she will realize that she is hurting people to try and get her way. We have had many talks with her that always end up with her storming out the door. It's just really hard. My other two stepchildren are wonderful and caring and have never acted like this. Nor have my children towards my husband. I just don't get it.
• United States
12 Feb 07
OHHHH BOY!!!! Sounds like the Bad Seed. You do have your hands full, don't you! I can only say, "Poor Baby." Does she have middle child syndrome = where she feels like she missed out on all the love? Not that she did, mind you. Just that she may feel that way. I'm really grasping at straws trying to figure this one out. LOL. I'm sure you can tell. Teen boot camp, maybe? Wow. It's good you and your husband are together. Although it must have been really hard at first. Now that I see a different picture, I guess I would still let her and her father have their lunch alone so she can have that time with him. I would still show up for the shopping. If she wants to turn it into something ugly, then that is on her and let her know as much. Maybe she doesn't respect kindness. Maybe she sees kindness as weakness. Maybe when she snaps, you have to snap back to keep her in check. DR PHIL!!!!!
• United States
13 Feb 07
Thanks yeah I feel like I am in a bad episode of DR. Phil. No middle child syndrome here she is the oldest. I have tried everything and have consulted with a lot of people. I have decided to let the chips fall where they may. My husband and I have talked about it and both have come to the conclusion that we are exhausted. LOL. He refuses to take her to dinner alone because he doesn't want to hear all the foul things come out of her mouth. I told him what ever he needed from me to just let me know. We will not take her shopping for any clothes any longer. We told her we would buy her something else. Perfume, earrings or what ever but no clothes since she doesn't know how to dress.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 07
If she has disrespected you in the past, and it sounds to me like she has, you might want to present that to your husband, that you would feel uncomfortable there, and that his daughter might wind up resenting him more. It sounds to me like she's using her parents divorce to throw tantrums and get her way through their guilt for, but she needs to learn straight up that her parents relationship and your relationship with your husband aren't about her. Your husband obviously loves you a great deal, and he's shown this by putting his foot down over her tantrum against you broadening her family, so maybe if you really explain to him how you feel, he'll be understanding. He should know by now what is and isn't appropriate for her, and if she throws a fit, she throws a fit. He's her Dad. She can only take advantage of him if he lets her, and if he lets her, he is either feeling guilty or like he deserves it.
• United States
6 Feb 07
He feels guilty a lot but has come a long way with it. She use to control his life completely. Till I put my foot down one day. I told him there is only room for one wife in this house she is a child and should be treated like one. If she doesn't get her way she will stop talking to him. She didn't talk to him for 4 months till christmas came and she wanted something. It just drives me crazy and I don't feel like fighting or feeling bad. I want him to just go alone. He feels that he goes alone he is letting her win because she is always trying to tears apart and not because she wants her parents to get back together because she wants his money. It's just frustrating to try and figure out what the right thing is.