How did you decide who would "take" your children when you died?

United States
February 6, 2007 7:05pm CST
My husband and I have been married for five years and found out after only 8 months of being married that we were pregnant. As most of you know, we have 3 children 3 1/2 and under ... and we just cannot decide who will get our children once we die. We just got back from a funeral. The boy who died, a friend of the family, was only 18 years old. He was a senior in high school, already accepted into a college for next year ... and died in his sleep. It makes you realize that life is short and I've really been thinking that we need to make this decision, before someone else does it for us. We really want whoever "takes" are children to raise them as we would and that's not as easy as it might seem. So how did you decide who would "take" your children when you died? Was it an easy decision for you or difficult like it is for us?
11 people like this
19 responses
• United States
7 Feb 07
When I, well now my husband and I, decided who got our children...we looked at who would raise our children the same as we would. Who Jeremiah and the rest of our children would spend alot of time with and would trust. I know that the people that we picked to raise our children if something were to happen to my husband and I would raise our children the way we want them to. THey believe in the same God that we believe in, have the same discipline structure than us...if not better, and the willingness to raise children in the church. I know that they love Jeremiah very much and I know that Jeremiah loves them. In fact, just today he was upset that he didn't get to see them but I did. It was not a hard decision, but it's hard to make when you think that you won't be around to raise your own children.... that they will have to suffer a lost at a young age. But I know that they people that I leave my children with will love Jeremiah and the rest of my children unconditionally.
4 people like this
• United States
8 Feb 07
I think it sounds like you've picked some really amazing people to raise your son!
2 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
They are great and wonderful people! And I love them!
2 people like this
@vkkesu (78)
• United States
7 Feb 07
It was an easy decision for me. My kids spend ALOT of time w/ my parents (grandma and grandpa). They go to the farm every weekend. My parents would take them in a heartbeat. It gets tough when the question comes into play of what if they are too old to take them? My brother would be next in line. I think you have to understand who you feel most comfortable taking your kids. Who is most like you and will raise them with love and understanding and is financially able to take care of them. It all counts. It is hard to think about but neccessary.
4 people like this
• United States
8 Feb 07
The age of our parents concern me as well, my dad was 37 (my mom was only 26 though) when I was born, so I don't know if they would have the energy to keep up with all of our kidddos!
2 people like this
@simplysue (631)
• United States
7 Feb 07
You're right. This is one of the most difficult things to think about and decide. I would like for my sister and brother-in-law to raise our little one if something happens to us but I had him late in life. I know I need to discuss this with them. I know my eldest (16 years at present)has said that he wants to raise his brother if anything ever happens to us. He has said this since the lil one's birth and he will be his brother's Godparent. They are very close. I'm hoping to be around till my lil one is an adult but just in case I believe my sister will look out for both of our boys even though one will be a grown man. Maybe in this way I won't have to choose one way or the other.
4 people like this
• United States
7 Feb 07
My husband and I choose very carefully who would get our children. We did the same as others replies, we looked at people who would raise our children as we would. It was a painstaking process but we have a line three people deep to care for them. However, we put all of our life insurance into a trust that is handle by another person all together so the money will be given as child support would be.
3 people like this
• United States
8 Feb 07
That's a good idea with how to handle the money. We've been told that some people will choose to give the children to say the husband's family, but control of the money to the wife's family. That way both sides of the family have say in how the money is spent and how the children are raised. I think that it would be difficult to do this as the finances of the family who has the children would be open for all to see!
2 people like this
• United States
7 Feb 07
My wife and I never decided this one. While we were asked by several friends and relatives to do that for them, frankly, we couldn't bear the thought of anyone we knew raising our kids. None of them did a good job with theirs so why would we want them to raise ours? Fortunately, both of our children are now well-adjusted adults. So, our gamble paid off. I have often wondered if we made the right choice. It still seems looking back that there were no clear winners in the who would have been the best race. We felt they were all bad. Requesting that they be placed in foster care with strangers actually seemed like a better bet. It still does. Some will have a heart attack at this answer, but you don't know our situation.
• United States
8 Feb 07
I think that it is sad that you didn't have any friends or family that you would trust to raise your children. It's not a good place to be I'm sure! At least you don't have to worry about that any more!
2 people like this
@mansha (6301)
• India
7 Feb 07
It was easier for me because I have seen my mother in law keeping kids of her relatives with her and she treats them like slaves, always asking them to run errands for her all the time. I really feel bad for those kids but as they belong to poor relatives they have no option. I find the atmosphere of their house very strict. I want to give my kids freedom of choice and luckily I have my brother who thinks like me only and is very liberal in his thinking. His wife also adores my kids, I have asked them to take care of my kids once I am gone. I know he will be able to raise them as he is financially sound and we have grown up together believing in same things and following the same pattern of living. whether I am right that only time can tell.
2 people like this
• Philippines
7 Feb 07
It is very difficult. But I have decided long before that if ever this thing happens to me,I would like to leave my daughter to my sisters care. Since we are already orphans, I have seen my sister take care of me and show she really loves my daughter. She loves her like her own daughter. Next in line would be my brother-in-law. His family had been very kind,generous,and helpful to us whenever we are in need just like with my sisters. His family loves my daughter much of a like their own. My husband and I are very lucky,blessed,and overwhelmed to have people whom we know would take care of our daughter and would love her much as like how much we love her.
• United States
8 Feb 07
Wow, you are very blessed to have so many wonderful choices of people who would love your daughter!
1 person likes this
@mjgarcia (725)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Our decision wasn't too hard. My husband's parents are deceased, my father is sick, one sister-in-law is too young, the other sister-in-law raised her kids to be thugs, one of my brother-in-laws has a wife that wouldn't have wanted the responsibility, my one sister has a sick husband and my other sister allowed her kids to do whatever they wanted as teens. That only left one brother-in-law and his wife. And they are the perfect ones. They have the same religious convictions that we do, they believe in strict guidelines like we do, and they have no children of their own. My sister-in-law has a home daycare and loves children, she just can't have her own.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Feb 07
Sounds like after you weeded out the bad apples you were ablt to make the perfect decision!
1 person likes this
@banditwsj (654)
• Indonesia
8 Feb 07
this is good discuss. i think that is hard for me too. but i wonder my parents to take them, if they are still alive. but i hope that is not happening to me early, because i want to die when they grow up and have a family.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Feb 07
This is never an easy decission to make, my husband and I took almost a year deciding on who would take our girls if anything were to ever happen to us. We really agreed and wanted for my mom to do it but she is to old to really care for the girls and probably would not make it until they were grown. My husbands mother has already passed away and our brothers and sisters all have just as many children as we do. We wanted someone who would raise our girls the way that we would do it and so we decided on the one who would know best about our parenting skills. We have designated our oldest son as the one to take our girls if something should ever happen and we have discussed it with him. He really agrees with our decission as this way we all know they will all be together and will not be seperated, plus he already knows how we are as parents. It took my husband and I a long time to actually make this decission but now we both feel that it is the best for the girls.
• United States
7 Feb 07
I made my decision and it was simple for me. If my mother is still living, then she would take them. If not, my sister would take them. They are the only people I would trust with them.
1 person likes this
@quispy (573)
• United States
7 Feb 07
It is by no means an easy decision. We thought that one person was the perfect person to take care of our children should something happen to us. As the years went by however, it was the wrong decision. My first thought, many years ago, was my brother. My brother has never married and struggles with bills now and again. So we choose option 2, a married person with a great job, who we also love very much. Seeing these 2 people interact with our children has made us change our minds. Even though my brother is single, works and goes to school, he is the perfect choice. He treats them like his own, spends lots of quality time with them and would quite honestly be devastated to not be around them every day. We bought a house together, so he sees them daily, even lets the kids "sleep over" quite often. So, for a few years now, it has been changed that my brother will get them. He will be able to hire someone to help. We have taken enough life insurance to enable him to care for them and still have a life. He will be able to rent our part of the house, or sell it and buy something smaller, so that will help financially and we also own a business that he will be able to sell. So he will be fine with them and he's the best person for the job!!
1 person likes this
@wmg2006 (5386)
• United States
7 Feb 07
It was not easy at all. I had a very best friend who went through the whole pregnancy with me and was there at the birth. She had one child herself and she babysat a lot. I appointed her Godmother first, then decided she would be the one I would want to raise mine if anything happened. a lot of people appoint a family member.
1 person likes this
@icebucks (127)
• Philippines
7 Feb 07
hmm.. haven't thought about this one, I cant die now, my girl is only 2. But if things happen unexpectedly... I would like her to live with my younger sister.. I think she would gladly have her.. i think
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Feb 07
If ever something happens to me,I would leave my daughter to my sister..she cares for my daughter as she cares for her children...I am always abroad because of work and she is the one who takes care of her..my mom is in the US i know she will take care of her too..so i have two people who would gladly take care of my child if something bad happens to me.
@runsgame (2034)
• India
7 Feb 07
this is really a wonderful question . and this is really a life . no one knows what future is. all of a sudden u die and u will watch the family in the form of soul from cosmic world. but rather u will not worry for that because u will be assigned some other job or place by the almighty . please leave this topic to almighty . almighty made u , made your kid , and will save all . do not worry
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Feb 07
it was easy for me. i want my parents to take them, assuming they are still alive. if not, it'll be my sister. :)
• Philippines
8 Feb 07
it is difficult to decide on your question but then if ever that time will come,undoubtedly,i would leave them to my husband.
• United States
8 Feb 07
Of course my husband would keep our children (no one would do a better job raising them then he would) but I mean if you would both die in a car accident or something ... then who would you choose to raise them?
@mamajena (122)
• United States
9 Feb 07
I also had chosen my parents to take my children because they had already raised 7 of their own. Even though my mother was ill I still chose them If I had to choose today it would be my little sister because she is such an awesome mother to her own child Lucky for me my last one is going into the Navy this year and I don't have to worry about this any more. I think you and your husband need to look at your friends and family very carefully and answer these questions about the people you are considering. Do they share the same values as you? Do they have children of their own and are they doing a good job of raising their own? Do they share the religious beleives and doctrines you do? Are your children comfortable with these people? Will they help your children through the roughest time of their life with love and understanding? If you can say yes to all of those questions then they are probably a good choice? Once you have found said people you then need to approach them and ask if they are willing to do this for you if something should ever happen to you. You should also make sure that you purchase enough life insurance that should this ever come to pass the people that are raising your children will have no extra finacial burdens to contend with. ultimately it is the hardest decision you will ever have to make and should be thouroughly thought out.