Excuses? Or honest issues?
February 7, 2007 10:38pm CST
I have a close friend I've been on a message board with for years who is having serious relationship issues. Her boyfriend has an ex. No, he did not sleep with her, but she was a major PITA and caused him to have a lot of ego and self respect problems. My friend had thought he had this all worked out when they got together and about 4 months ago they moved in together. A couple weeks ago his ex called and told him her mother is dying and wanted to see him before she died. He had a pretty close relationship with his ex mother in law, and they occasionally talked, she felt as if he were a son to her. Needless to say he spent a couple days in the hospital with his ex and her mother, and after she passed he moved out of the apartment he and my friend shared. He swears its not his ex, they didn't spend any time alone, its not my friend, its him, but being around his ex caused a lot of old feelings to resurface and he's asked her to be patient with him. Any opinions? Any advice that might be worth sharing? I really hate to see her hang onto a man that's wishy washy and can't commit. Or even worse, may have fooled around with his ex for old times sake and now feels guilty and won't go home. No slamming please. I don't want to hear that my friend is stupid, the guy is a jerk, etc. You love who you love, and bashing won't change that. But maybe words of wisdom to share that might help her be strong for herself would be great.
8 Feb 07
I think you should respect what the guy said. He wants to spend some time alone so you should allow him to. For the girl, I think she should prepare for the worst and stay away from him for a while to give him space to think. The guy of course deserves some respect. When I say preparing for the worst, I don't mean that the man's not gonna come back. But this seems to be a 50-50 situation and hence she should expect that the unexpected may come. But when the worst situation does come, at least she was prepared for it and it wouldn't hurt much anymore. She should also spend more time with friends than just thinking and holding on to the guy. Friends do help in times like these. I hope I made sense.
• United States
8 Feb 07
The thing is, he doesn't seem to want to spend time alone. He calls her often, and has come over for a hit and run (if you know what I mean). He tells her how wonderful she is, how much he trusts her, etc. but won't consider discussing what made him decide to move out and if/when he intends to come back. I did tell her she needs to set some mental time limits on the relationship progressing to where it was, but not to push them onto him since that would probably push him away further. But I don't think she should continue to sleep with him if he can't commit to the relationship, even if he doesn't move back in yet. As much as his feelings need to be respected, she needs to keep her dignity intact.
8 Feb 07
You are right. If the guy wants some space, then she should give some space. I think the guy is being unfair to her if he ain't even taking some time to think. How can he think if he is still calling her. This is the girl's call now, whether she'll let him continue what he's doing which in turn would only make matters worse. Or she won't let him, and will only entertain him if he has made up his mind. Sleeping with the guy would only make her more confused. And the guy too.