Why do battered women stay with their husband?

@Thomas73 (1467)
Switzerland
February 8, 2007 7:10am CST
This really amazes me. I know several women -- one of them being very close to my heart -- who are abused physically and mentally, beaten, humiliated, treated like absolute dirt -- and this even in front of their children! -- by their parner, husband or boyfriend, but they still stay with their torturer/warden. Why don't these women leave their abusive spouse? Why do they take so much hurt whereas they could do something about it? Does anyone have a logical explanation for this? Personally, I find it hard to understand...
23 people like this
83 responses
• United States
8 Feb 07
well speaking as a woman who was in that situation for 3 yrs i know why i stayed and it was for our little girl that we had together.... i told myself that i would stay as long as she was not being harmed in anyway and that she did not see it... well one day he threatned to kill her and me if we left and so we left at that point there was no reason to stay not if he even thought about hurting her....
2 people like this
@Thomas73 (1467)
• Switzerland
8 Feb 07
I've heard the 'for the sake of the children' argument many times. But isn't it more harmful to the children to grow up in such an environment? Isn't there a risk that a little boy will grow up to become a wife-beater, or a little girl to become an abused wife? And think of the hurt of a child who sees a loved daddy being mean to an equally loved mummy -- a kid in this situation is simply torn.
4 people like this
@lauriefnp (5111)
• United States
9 Feb 07
I agree that the children are not a good reason to stay and that it will ultimately do them more harm than good to witness verbal or physical abuse. You mentioned the little boy who may grow up to be an abuser because of the example set by his father, but what about the girl who grows up thinking that this is the way a woman should be treated? She may accept abuse herself later in life as "normal".
2 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
i guess my situation was a little different than most because when my daughter was around he would not hurt me he loved her in some way how i am not sure but i know this there was not anything going on between them that i needed to worry about because i had her checked... and so the only one being harmed in that situation was me....
1 person likes this
@anjoks (2080)
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
My mom was one of them. I remember when i was still young, i often witness my parents fighting and my dad would hurt my mom emotionally and physically. Me and my sister would just stay in our room crying, so helpless. . And when i grow up and become mature in thinking, i always told my mom even up to now why he can't leave my dad. So many times i told her that we can handle ourselves without him, we're old enough and we can take care of her financially as well. I don't understand my mom. I kept on asking her why u-r still sticking up with him when u know for the fact that u-r not happy anymore. It's us, that's the reason why she don't want to leave my dad, thinking of our welfare and what other people will say. "For the sake of us". That's what she always tells us and that's bu*#*#*it! ... Well, i just had a flashback of everything after i read ur discussion. Everytime i thinked of it, the feeling is still there - the hatred, the anger to my dad. He's 71 yrs old now, for god's sake he's not capable of hurting my mom anymore but i still haven't forgiven him for that. :-|
2 people like this
@lauriefnp (5111)
• United States
9 Feb 07
I hope that all of the women who say that they stay in abusive relationships for the sake of their children will read your post. I'm sorry that you had to grow up like this, but I'm glad that you did not accept that type of behaviour as normal. So many girls who grow up watching their fathers abuse their mothers end up with abusive men, and boys who grow up in an abusive home are more likely to abuse women. As you said, staying together for the children is not a good reason; it is actually doing the children more harm than good.
1 person likes this
@sharon613 (2321)
• United States
8 Feb 07
I have tons of experience on this subject My sister was batter for many years by her ex. Now she had gotten remarried. Her new husband is very much of a control freak but at least he pays the bills. My sister has ADD and can't function unless she has a man to support her. I hope I've answered your question on battered women.
1 person likes this
@sharon613 (2321)
• United States
8 Feb 07
Hi Idelwild I agree with your statement completely.
@Idlewild (6090)
• United States
8 Feb 07
They have psychological dependence on their partner, for one thing. It's easy to look at these women as an outsider, but there are a lot of psychological factors at work. These women may feel, for example, that somehow they deserve the treatment they're getting, or that anyone else they have a relationship with will treat them just the same. (And in fact some of these women do go from one abusive relationship to another.) The women may also may feel (maybe rightly so) that if they leave the partner will find them wherever they go, and kill them.
1 person likes this
@Thomas73 (1467)
• Switzerland
8 Feb 07
This answers my question only partially. How about women who have no disability and who could efficiently cater for themselves (and for their children when they have any)?
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Feb 07
I believe that each abused person has their own reasons for not leaving an abusive situation. Low self-esteem, economical, children, family, etc. My own personal situation was self-esteem. After many years of emotional abuse my esteem was so low that I didn't have enough courage to even leave the house. I would have to force myself to go shopping or to appointments. While I was pregnant with twins, I was hospitalized for one month due to onset of early labor. With so much time on my hands, I was able to think about my life, my children's lives, my relationship with their father. I realized that in order to live, it would have to be without their father. A week before the twins were born, I called their father to tell him that I wanted a divorce. He tried to talk me out of it. I remained strong. Even after the divorce the effects of his emotional abuse were still with me. It took many years to heal. You forgive, but never fully forget.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
I dont know where to start on this one. First like others I need to say that the idea that a woman "likes" it is absurd. I have been in a few short term relationships and dated alot. I have had 2 long term relationships. When I was 16 I met a "man" who was gorgeous. charming. sincere...you get it. All the girls wanted to date him. He wanted me! 3 weeks after we started dating, an ex girlfriend of his called me and told me they had "been" together. I confronted him and he backhanded me. I should have broke it off, but I wanted to believe that it was a mistake he would never make again. I had never imagined a woman could be treated like that so it had to have been an accident. For the next four years, he did nothing but hurt me physically and emotionally. I didnt know it should be any different. I ended up believing I was stupid,fat,ugly....all those things. I knew nobody else would ever want me and I was lucky that he could stand my faults enough to still love me. That is what the women truly believe. That is what I believed. There is alot more to it, I wont go into details but I refer to him as my LifeTime Movie boyfriend. I still believe to this day, as many women do, that he will someday kill me. Most people think the thought is absurd but there are thousands of women each year killed by their abusers. Years and years after they have left. Mine married but continued to stalk and harrass me untill 5 yrs ago. That would make it 17 years. I have had nothing but short term relationships untill recently and one complaint I always heard from men is that no matter how long we dated, I would jump and pull away when they would touch me. I never would realise I was doing this. Anyway I was very proud of myself for getting away. 5 yrs ago I started dating my husband and just recently left him. He hurt me physically a few times, the last being when our babies were 5 months and I called the police. He never again touched me, but I think emotional abuse is worse. Those scars take longer to heal. Why did I stay a second time? Only god knows. I thought he would change? I dont know. I guess I figured I was stupid enough to get into it, I might as well try my best. I think alot of abusive relationships are also about co-dependancy. You get used to the cycle of abuse and makeup. You live for the makeup times because then you feel once again that everything is gonna be ok. It is a tough thing to explain. Unless you've been there it is impossible to understand. It took me 3 times to fianlly leave my husband for good. It is very hard to break away from. There are still many days that I think, well it was bad, but somethings were easier. Maybe I should let him back...maybe he learned his lesson. Thank god I dont listen to myself on those days! If you noticed the length of time my first abuser has been leaving me alone is the same amount of time I've been with my husband. Do you think I'm worried? You bet I am. Abuse is a vicious cycle, they recently passed a law I think here in my state, not sure of anywhere else. If you are in an abusive relationship, and you have minor children that the state can prove is a witness to it, they can take your kids away from you. What a wonderful law. Maybe it will help more women realise the impact that it is having on their children and the cycle can be stopped. I guess I got a little long winded on this one. Thanks for listening and I hope at least one person reading this that thinks we like it, might change their opinion.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Feb 07
Well most women will make 1000-1 excuses, but being in this situation I did not know about programs like House of Ruth, so I felt that I had no where to go. I did start fighting back and that is when he got frightened, it is a power play for men, and a struggle for women. Women have the tendency to see the good over the bad in a person especially someone that they "love". I now know that a man will never have the chance to hit me again and if he does he can expect to be hit back!
@bindishah (2062)
• India
22 Feb 07
I think the reason they stay with their abusers is because they feel a deluded sense of security with them. Battered women are probably scared to be out in the world on their own and so prefer to stay with their tormenters because they feel that atleats they are being taken care of. A lot of times women feel they deserve such treatment due to any wrong doings they may have done in the past.
1 person likes this
@Thomas73 (1467)
• Switzerland
22 Feb 07
That's also what I thought. Often, their husband tell them that he's the only reliable man who can properly take care of her. And they end up believing him!
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
22 Feb 07
It is called "The Battered Women Syndrome".
@Thomas73 (1467)
• Switzerland
1 Mar 07
I still wish that some men wouldn't be such b@st@rds...
• United States
9 Feb 07
because not only do these men physically abuse their these women but they verbally abuse them as well and make them beleive that they deserve it. I was bruised on my face when my ex threw me to the wall then the floor and i ran to the restroom and locked the door cause it hurt so much.. i was yelling and crying "oh my god my jaw, oh no my neck! PLEASE STOP! i think you broke my jaw" and for a few hours i felt like everytime i opened my mouth it popped into place or something - all he said was "shut up stop faking it" "that was NOTHING" "its probably just a bruise" "well your making my arms hurt - whats your f***** problem my arms are weak by now and you dont see me complaining" - that when i knew i was going to leave. i had to attend a baptism for our daughter a few days later with a bruised face and his family seemed ignorant about the bruise. but i soon left.
1 person likes this
@emquinsat (1058)
• Philippines
8 Feb 07
On my Psychology class, they said that battery is quite addictive. Not the act of being hurt but more of the reconciliation after being hurt. Most men would say sorry or be sweet after they hurt women and this is the part women gets addicted to sometimes.
1 person likes this
@Thomas73 (1467)
• Switzerland
8 Feb 07
Yes, they always hope that the man will change... but he never does!
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
11 Feb 07
I do believe that most people who are in these situations stay because of the fear of being hurt or even killed by their spouses or boyfriends. I lived and am living in this situation right now, believe it or not I seem to have a sign that says "abuse me I'll take it" hanging somewhere on my body... The first time I stayed because of my children, it was their father who was the abusive one and I finally realized that it was better for them if I left instead of stayed... Now I stay because the person I am with is so psychotic and jeleous that I am terrified that he will do something really bad to me if I tell him to leave. He recently perposed to me, and that is when everything started, since he put the ring on my finger it is like he owns me.. I am now a piece of property to him... It really sucks, but that is the mentality of some people.. I concider myself to be a very intelligant person, but there are just some situations that cannot be avoided or approached a specific points in time..
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Feb 07
I have had several women in my life stay with abusive men. Every single girl had the same answer to the question "why?" They all said that they were too afraid to leave. I would retort and say that they should be afraid to STAY because of the abuse. They all feared that if they left, they would be killed. I guess in this case fear can be a powerful motivator. Some women are just too scared that they will be hunted down and killed, so they take the abuse.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Feb 07
That's a good point momo!! The most vulnerable time for an abused woman is when she leaves the abuser. The abuser usually stalks the victim then, and often hurts or kills them. It's a well known fact. :)
1 person likes this
@nkhanna (922)
• India
15 Nov 07
well all i can say is that ogd gives too much patience to ladies.guys generally think bout them first ,however ladies think bout them lastly.its a man dominated society where women themselves r against women bocz they cant go against man.however revolution has taken place in recent yrs bt still it will take time.how much no one can say.the lady is accepting every abuses n humilation for child ,for her parents n her relatives.still today for a lady its hubby who is everything.if she leaves him ,then life wud b hell ofr her n for her child.so she prefers to b humilated.even after marriage the girls family also dont support her.its very easy for a man to get married twice bt very difficult ofr a woman to get married again.os these r few things that she has to think,n when she thinks she does not find any answer so she is compleed by her inner voice to b with such a kind of man
• Philippines
15 Nov 07
THere are many reason why battered women stay with their husband or boyfriend. From an economic point of view, one of the reson is that some women especially women who are not established or who cannot support themselves. This happens in countries that are poor, woman have no jobs and the tendency is for them to rely to their husbands. so they just can't turn their back.
1 person likes this
9 Feb 07
Usually the guys are all loving to begin with. It doesn't happen instantly though. Theconfidence of the woman will be knocked slowly over a period of time and then the male will get frustrated and hit her, usually for something that wasn't even her fault. It's hard too because the woman will often lose close friends if he is controlling enough. They will lose interest in the real world and only believe he is in the right, therefore the bullying and battering continues and gets serious. Its sad I know. Women eed independence, need to be able to walk away. There are helplines for this sort of things. If you are one get help now or speak to someone! It happens to males too of course. Women are't always the ones under the knife.
1 person likes this
• Nigeria
9 Feb 07
I think that the main reason that they do remain with their husbands is that they still do love them and they still have kids to take care of so the tension of the kids really makes them want to stay because she wants to raise them to her best. Some other reasons could be financial reasons more often than not women are not financially stable mainly in Afica so they find it hard to cope on their own.. THAts the reason
1 person likes this
@JC1969 (1224)
• United States
9 Feb 07
Most women who endure the stress of physical and emotional abuse stay in these relationships because the abuse diminshes their self-esteem and self-worth. It takes a toll on them, and psychologically manipulates them into believing they truly do not deserve any better than what they receive from a person who 'claims' to love them. It also tends to be a cycle. Like in the case of my own mother, she grew up in a home where her own mother endured abuse, and it was expected of her mother to endure it. Because back in those days abuses in the home were kept quiet and if anyone knew they didn't get involved. The learned behavior she was raised with made it acceptable behavior or even expected normal behavior. Many women also stay because part of the emotional manipulation and abuse is that her abuser keeps her isolated. She may not have job skills, or the means to take care of children they made during the relationship. It could be really scarey to make the break--so they rationalize and decide to stay. Also, many small towns do not have domestic abuse assistance programs. So, many women in this situation are left to find their own way out of it--it's not always an easy task. There may not be quality counseling services that they can afford or have medical coverage for, and if they don't get the counseling to heal their minds, they are often destined to repeat the same type of relationship again and again. I think most women feel hopeless and helpless after enduring domestic abuse. There mind, their spirit, their health, and more as so broken.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
There are actually a lot of reasons why women who were battered by their husband dont have the courage to leave. IT might be, that they have children. Women feared that their children are the most to be affected if they separated thats why they take all the pain from their husband. Another thing, they may think that there still hope for their partners to change thats why they dont live them. But its actually not right for these women to stay because it may happened over and over again. Women do have rights as well and they need to fight for it.
@shalwani (760)
• Pakistan
9 Feb 07
Although a husband and wife, who form a joint family life, share and cooperate in running the affairs of their house, they may have different opinions over certain matters. A man might feel that it should be he who should decide about family affairs, with his wife's indisputable agreement. At the same time his wife may object to her role as the obedient party. Arguments and rows may then start because both parties attempt to establish their authority over the other. The best solution to such a problem is that both should try to refrain from acting as superior to the other, and try to resolve their problems through dialogue and deep understanding. This would only be feasible if both of them stop being stubborn. Some men order their wives to do many things and if are confronted with resistance, they think it right to become annoyed, to punish or even to physically hurt their wives. This approach is not correct at all. The men of the 'Age of Ignorance', who lacked humanity, used to hurt and beat their wives. "The revered Prophet (SA) banned the beating of women, unless in special circumstances when punishment becomes wajib (obligatory)." The wife has full right to leave such a stupid husband and get a divorse. Some wives dont leave their husbands maybe due to Family pressure, childrens future, respect and esteem in society etc...
1 person likes this
@amit17 (128)
• India
9 Feb 07
There is many thing which force women to stick with there partner, no matter how much they abuse or beat them. First of all if they have kids then generally women thinks that if they get seprated then there kids will suffer. Apart from that there is some financial issue is also involved, in less developed country women don earn much to support themself so they totally depends on their partner. in my opinion these are the few things.
1 person likes this