What would you do if your family trys to control your life?

United States
February 9, 2007 9:57am CST
My mother and my sister have never ever been suportive of anything I do in my life! They don't like the relationship I am in, they have tried everything to get me to leave him and move back in with my mom. The person I am with hasn't done anything or said anything to my family to give them a reason not to like him. And when I don't do what they want me to do they stop talking to me and thats hurts me alot because I love my family. But I am 27 years old and I feel like they think that they can controll me by not talking to me when I do what I want to do. I need some advise on what to do or say to make them understand that I don't want them mad at me but I am going to run my life the way I want to. I don't always agree with what they do either but I would never treat them the way they treat me.
13 people like this
52 responses
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
I feel exactly the same way. I still live with my parents and my boyfriend lives in a street nearby. They've been trying to control our relationship that when they see us together in a street, my mom starts condemning me. I decided just a few days ago that I will live in another place, rent an apartment far from my parents because since I was young,that's what she's been doing to me.
• United States
9 Feb 07
Yeah I have moved about 4 hours from my family and I think that just made it worse. I moved away from my mom and sister and closer to my grandparents so now my mom and my sister have started calling my grandmother and telling her alot of bad things about me. some are true but alot of them are made up and now my grandparents and I dont talk. and that breaks my heart because me and my grandmother used to be real close.
@skyblade (483)
• United States
9 Feb 07
To be honest, there is nothing you can do to MAKE them understand. People are going to believe what they want to believe and if they don't think your boyfriend is a good guy, there's really nothing you can do to change that. Personally, if my family didn't want to talk to me merely because they didn't like my boyfriend, I'd say screw it and not talk to them either. Ultimately, do what makes you happy. Sounds like you have a choice to make here...your boyfriend or your family.
• Romania
10 Feb 07
It doesn't have to be a choice. If your family is right and that persont isn't a good man, then you will know'it to in a short time. If it's prove wrong, then your family which loves you must understand that you choose that bf and you like spending your time with him.
1 person likes this
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
Your parents will always be your parents, I've also dealt to what you're experiencing right now. They will never allow you on what you want, no matter how right or wrong are you. You just have to understand them more, then prove to them what you're worth at and hope that they would come to realize that you are liable enough to make your own decisions. And remember, parents will never surrender on their child no mater how wrong they are. Just love them and obey them, it's for your own good!;)
• United States
9 Feb 07
Maybe so, but remember, they're humans like you and me, and not gods. We should not place them on high-and-mighty pedestals just because they're parents. It's said in the Bible to obey your father and mother, BUT not at the cost of your own life, happiness and self-worth! Some things the Bible say are good, but at this era we need to draw the line between it and our lives. A red and visible line.
1 person likes this
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
I know that. And of course everyone has their own minds and I think is mature enough to measure things up. What I'm trying to say is, if it's not bad, then why complain about it!
1 person likes this
@10061954 (57)
• India
10 Feb 07
Hi, you are in a age which makes u think like this. Are U sure that the person U love is a good person and will support U throughout? Sit calmly, think about the situation without bias. If U get a positive reply, then go ahead. Explain your mind to ur mother and sister and clearly tell them yr intent. Don't bother about anything.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 07
well yes the person i am with right now is the one i want to stay with. he and i have already been through alot. in march of last year me and him found out i was 7 weeks pregnent but a week later i had a miscarrige. he never left my side through the whole thing. my mom on the other hand started telling everyone that i made it all up and i never was pregnent. and even though i was very mad and hurt over what she said i acctually apoligized to her for making her mad just so i could still talk to my family.
• United States
9 Feb 07
You're just going to have to do what you want to do. Don't worry about what your family says. They obivously have issues. If they don't want to talk to you, then fine. Don't let it bother you and don't show them it bothers you. Maybe they will finally get the message that your not going to cater to them.
• Belgium
9 Feb 07
That won't necessarily work. My aunt did that and her relationship with my grandparents just got worse. She refused to talk to them for a good five years and it angered and saddened my grandparents. She got her point across but after those five years it hasn't really been the same. You can tell they all feel awkward around each other.
• United States
9 Feb 07
My situation's different...and dangerous. I know how it feels to be trapped by your family. Even more so when my family's dysfunctional, AND I don't have any money to "leave the thorny nest". Talking to my family is like talking to a tree or a big wall. Even if I told them properly or precisely they either don't listen to me, don't understand me at all, or assume that what I am saying is an excuse. My family life is rough indeed, but not as rough as literally having violent, brutal fistfights against a parent. I have been having these violent times for years. Me and "him" fought since he couldn't see what I was saying, and last year when he fought me, I was bleeding and bruised, and a few things in the dining room and living room were destroyed. To tell you the truth, I have a deep, buried, long-standing resentment of my family. Even long, repressed ones. My little parasite of a sister ruined my life as long as I have been trapped at home, my two Christian sisters always interrupt me whenever I am doing anything important, my mom is irresponsible with money and never pays herself at all. And I already told you about my old man. This is why I was studying every paper book and digital ebook, website, article, you name it about moneymaking, wealth, self-help, self-improvement, positive thinking, etc. I am desperate for money, and desperate to move out!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 07
I used to think that way about my family well except for my step dad. My mom and sister mostly were the ones causing me pain and agrevation. my mother and I used to have real bad knock drag out fights. as soon as I turned 16 i moved out into a friend of mines house. of corse I ended up moving back home because I missed me brothers. I moved out again when I was 18 again with a friend. And I have been out since then. the two times I did leave my family I had no money no job and no clue what I was doing but I was happy. And I was lucky enough at the time to have grreat friends that knew what I was going though and cared enough to help me. you and I could talk for hours about this subject. but I was thinking maybe you could try to get a friend to be your room mate ntill you get a job and get a good start. just to let you know if you ever need someone to talk to thats been there you can im me at untamedcountrygurl on yahoo. good luck
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
9 Feb 07
It sounds like its time for you to break your ties with these people. Your family isn't thinking about your well being or happiness and obviously do not respect you. Situations like this are difficult when you have been trained to feel, just the way you have been trained to feel, about your family. Most of your loyalty comes from their manipulation of you when you were younger. Now that you are older they truly believe they have been successful in rendering you incapable of thinking for yourself. Any family who would cut you out because you are having the life you wish to have, is selfish and doesn't deserve to have your energy involved with them. It will take time, but you will feel more comfortable with their not speaking with you. As time goes on, you will become successful enough that they will try to reestablish communication, simply because they feel they can gain something from you and not out of concern for your relationship with them.
• United States
9 Feb 07
thank you so much!!!! that is great advise and you are right about the way they treated me growing up. I have always felt out of place around them. and like i am the black sheep of the family. thank you again.
@chebin (286)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
it really is hard if a family member won't support your decisions. but have you tried talking to them and make them understand why you decided to be with him? they might have told you to leave him maybe because they don't know the guy too well and maybe they're scared that they don't want you to fall into the wrong hands. try to prove them wrong. show them that your guy is worth their trust and respect as well. i kind of been to that kind of situation but i stayed with my man. i sticked with my decision and proved to everyone that what they were thinking were all wrong. now we are happily married and have one little angel :) my family is now very thankful that i have him as my husband :)
1 person likes this
• India
10 Feb 07
i would not like any body controlling me about what i am doing and would tell them not to interfere in my personal life after all i too have some personal things that i would not like tell to others
1 person likes this
• Hong Kong
10 Feb 07
sse i m very sorry if ur family is ddoing so.. but if u r asking this question tat wat i will do then i'll go to my fathers leg and and tell him wat actually he wants from me . after understandeing him i can surely shortuot da problem!! simple
1 person likes this
• India
10 Feb 07
first of all please see that the person you are involved with is really someone who cares for you and he is really the man you are looking for because as far as i am concerned your family must be possessive about you and thinking for your wellfare.but again if your parents are worried with that person for no reason then i must say you both have not to worry at all and be patient.you should keep doing your good work and never feel that you are neglected by your family.i can assure that in due course of time you will be accepted in your family alongwith the person you are involved with and they will respect your choice.
• United States
10 Feb 07
I'm 27 too. Kudos. I still live at home with my parents and they try to control me by fighting with me on a constant bases. If I had the means I'd move out finally. But I havent. Not to mention my mom loves to make me feel guitly, I can never please her, oh and she CLINGY. She will be all upset if we leave, and call us when we are out. etc etc Its insane. I'd stick up for yourself. I'm trying to learn to do that, and you should do the same. We are the same age so I 'd say at our age dont let the fact we are related to these people be the reason we let them walk all over us. Good luck!
@arwenrey (316)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
Well your are in a difficult situation right now but i think with continued persistance of communication with your family eventually they will start to understand you and will make them realize that you love them and you stand your ground of being with your man. Your family loves you and wants best for you maybe they showed it in a wrong way by not supporting you but then you must realize their purpose of not helping you maybe there is something that they don't like about your man that they think would not make you happy, but then your man should tell or show them that he loves you. Try to visit your family with your man often.
1 person likes this
• India
10 Feb 07
first of all i congratulate you for your concern towards your family..... This is the same case with many people in this world. Even this happens with me. so nothing to feel bad about it. you have to be patient about this. one day will come your parents will come to realize.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30034)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
i will never let them do it. i won't let them. i should not allow them to be. i hope to really decide on myself, they can give advise but not control my life.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
your parents is only concerned with you, but also there is wrong with them your old enough to make things without they permission.
1 person likes this
@denden (803)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
we are in a opposite situation. my family were very supportive to me and i dont have problems on that. they understand me what i wanted to do. i think you must prove to them that you are mature enough to make decisions and handle situations if they are still controlling you then talk to them express your feelings because 27 is the age of making your own decision, live independtly and they dont give you freedom to do that.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 07
Just flat ignore them as much as you can and establish your own identity. It is dangerous to lose one's identity in someone else, no matter how close they might be. As people, as children, grow, they drift apart from even their closest relatives. That is nature, a method by which the young can eventually learn to take care of themselves. Stop being hurt, because their opinions will likely not change much over time. Just develop your own independence.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
you are 27, you are old enough to do what you want.. of course we want to consult our family,because we want them to be happy for us. but if they do not agree with what we want to do or the decision we make, then it is up to us to decide on our own. think twice, or thrice or many times,, if you really love the guy, go on... it's your choice.. goodluck
@bodi31 (49)
• Romania
10 Feb 07
yes I think like you
1 person likes this