A Mother in Turmoil

@Munira (484)
United States
February 10, 2007 12:14pm CST
I have told my 19, about to be 20, year old daughter that she has to leave my home. I am hurt. I am torn. I love my daughter dearly. But, she has repeatedly disregarded the rules of my home. I have had much patience before this point. Partly, because she no longer has an apartment. And, she has two small children. But, she only has the youngest child. I do not want to see and my grandson without a place to live. But, my patience has come to its end. I have, repeatedly, had to talk with my daughter about the appropriate time for her boyfriend to leave my home. We had an argument because her boyfriend brought drugs into my home. He has showed no respect for me or my home. My daughter has abused me as a babysitter. She is supposed to get home from work at 1 am. A week ago, she came in at 8 am. She said she "pulled a double." I do not believe her. She came home at 4:30 am earlier this week. She said she missed the last bus. I do not believe that either. At about 4:35 am that morning, she opened the front door. When asked why, she said she dropped her bus pass. Something wasn't right. When I went downstairs, I found her boyfriend hidng under my kitchen table on his hands and knees. Needless to say, I put him out of my house. I cannot take anymore. Last night, we had a petty argument because she didn't turn down the volume on the television. But, I have no more patience to give her. Am I wrong? Why do I feel like crying?
1 person likes this
11 responses
• United States
19 Feb 07
It shouldn't matter what she thinks, but rules are rules and she needs to follow them. If she can't follow one simple rule, then she needs to go. It may hurt due to the fact that you will have to see your grandson with no place to really go, but your daughter obviously has a problem and needs to learn from her many mistakes. My mother would probably have done the same thing to me, but she knew I wasn't able to take care of myself. Other than this, if my mother would have known this, she would have kicked me out just like you are doing. I just think that she needs to learn, and maybe this will make her.
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@Munira (484)
• United States
19 Feb 07
It does hurt. I heard that my daughter is now staying in an abandoned house. I think she may be trying to hurt me along with herself.
@tsgirl01 (900)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Hi there Munira, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I too have a daughter that is disrespectful. I am also now raising one of her children. My grandchild was taken from my daughter who was residing in a group home in 1995. My grandchild is 12 now and she sees her mother rarely. I put my daughter out of my house for coming in at all hours, she hit me once. I know like you probably know, that you did a good job raising your daughter. Children are very influenced by outside forces, friends and all of that. You did the right thing, I will keep you and your grandchildren in my prayers, your daughter also. It comes to the point where all you can do is pray for her. She needs to grow up and become a responsible person and parent. Take care...
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@Munira (484)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Thank you. I believe a person can never have enough prayers. I totally understand why you made the choice you did with your daughter. Just as with you, the rules of my house have to be abided by. I do hope that my daughter "opens her eyes" in the near future.
@sharon613 (2323)
• United States
11 Feb 07
I feel so so bad for what your going through. I am going through alot with my daughter as well. The details are long. Please go to my profile, sharon613 and there you will see all the postings on my daughter if it makes you feel any better. I would love to request you as a friend on mylot if you don't mind, this way we can try and give one another emotional support.
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@Munira (484)
• United States
11 Feb 07
I already sent you a message after read one of your posted discussions. You and your daughter are in my prayers.
@rkalia73 (240)
• India
11 Feb 07
Teenage is such a age, rebellious and it has it's own perils. It needs counselling and constant interaction between parents and teenager. I think if you try to have a good interaction with your daughter, then maybe you will find out the solution.
@Munira (484)
• United States
11 Feb 07
I want to have positive interaction with her; but she will not spak to me now.
• United States
11 Feb 07
we all love our kids,we tend to give an givebut when do we say enough is enough?your not wrong,sometimes we have to do TOUGH LOVE.i know it hurts.ive did it.but i can honestly say ,now my daughter is doing REALLY WELL .her an her boyfried got married they both work now an take care of what they have to.hang in there ,youll be in our prayers.
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@Munira (484)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Thank you. You have let me know that their is hope.
• United States
11 Feb 07
I would feel like crying too. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It must be heartwrenching to have to make such tough decisions. Your daughter may not be mature or responsible, but she has made the choices she made in her life. It is time she either grew up and starts taking positive steps, or continue down the path she is on. It is wonderful of you to want to keep your grandson safe -- I think it is right of you to try and get custody; your daughter does not seem to be in the right mind or place to take care of herself properly, let alone a baby. I think you will have to make the rules, like the other people here have suggested. The hard part will be sticking to them. If you set the rules of no men, then no men it has to be. If you set a curfew, then you will have to take her key and once the door is locked at a certain time, then she will not get in til the next day . . . things like that. You may want to get together a listing of phone #'s and places where she can go for help and to live - like women's crisis centers, 1/2-way houses, the YMCA women's apartments, etc. That way when she cannot stay with you or come home she will have somewhere to go that is safe. Best of luck to you. I hope you have some peace in your life soon.
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@Munira (484)
• United States
11 Feb 07
She did leave yesterday. And, she will not talk to me. It is so hard to watch one of your children self-destruct.
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
I think the problem will be your daughter but please don't leave your grandchildren. If their mother done you any wrong mind the children, they are innocent. It's okey to cry, it will ease the pain you are getting because of it. If scolding your daughter because of her misdoings not done any good why not try to reverse it, do it in the nice manner. anyway, i think it will create something inside her and make it realize of the wrong. Mother and child bonds from the start.
@Munira (484)
• United States
11 Feb 07
I love my grandchildren. I will always do whatever I can for them. I have not been able to cry because my 7 year old has slept in my bedroom with me for the last couple of days. She has some kind of stomach virus. When she is sick, I keep her close to me so that I can closely monitor her. My 19 year old daughter left yesterday; but, today she is visiting my next door neighbor. My daughter had my son ask if her son could have a sandwich. I sent a sandwich for her and her son. I do not want either of them to be hungry. I do love them.
@ksloane (42)
• United States
11 Feb 07
You feel like crying because you love your daughter. And a mother can never find it easy to be "the bad guy." This just proves how great of a mother you are. But your daughter is old enough to be responsible, and no matter what her age is, if she has 2 children it is time for her to grow up!! I totally don't think kicking her out is a bad thing. She must learn some responsibility. It is obvious from the late nights (early mornings) and the antics with her boyfriend that she is immature and not thankful or respectful enough of you. Maybe she needs the hard (on you and her) lesson of surviving on her own!! Maybe you can still offer to keep your grandson. If she works nights, maybe he can sleep those nights at your house (I'm guessing you'd rather her not pick him up until morning - not at 1 when she gets off). That way you are providing a roof over his head and making sure he at least gets one or two good meals a day, but you should not feel obligated to take care of your daughter anymore.
• United States
11 Feb 07
from someone who has been there and done that ,you are doing the coorect thing !if she refuses to live by your rules under your roof she should leave !by allowing this behaviour you are not helping her you are enabling her It may be a dose of the real world will bring her to her sences but if not you have raised your child till she is an adult she must now learn to live as an adult !I know it hurts but the longer you allow this situation to contine the more hurt will come your way it is not always the easiest way to do the right thin but for both your sakes it must be done!
1 person likes this
@Mamaof2 (574)
• Canada
11 Feb 07
You feel like crying because it is just your motherly instincts to be there for her. You are not wrong in any shape or form to tell her she has to leave. She is being very disrespectful and should not be doing the things that she is doing to a women who has been there for her all the way along! You have done your job as a mother, this girl is almost 20 years old...so please stand your ground..she has to go. It is just very unfortunate that the child may have to suffer..and I can see you not wanting that to happen. Maybe she is just being so irresponcible because she can. Why come home after work, she knows that her child is safe..kinda thing. If she is forced out of the house...hopefully she sees it as having no other choice but to take care of him and be responsibe ???? I dont know. Good luck and stand your ground. You dont deserve to be walked all over...by either your daughter or her Boyfriend. (especially him!)
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@danmike (58)
• Nigeria
11 Feb 07
Growing up girls could be lots of problem for parents,especially the mother since the man is usually out of the house for many of the times. You cannot deny your daughter your love and comfort just because she is misbehaving in some family and iterpersonal relationships with you.The world outside ther is quite a dangerous place, especially if she is a girl. If you send het packing, she may fall into wrong hands and you would have to go save her if she is truly your girl.It is natural to be angry and sad about someone we love,but we must not allow our anger to make us decide on one of the most impotant assets for families-which is children. Love her despite her shortcomings.She may wake up one day to realise her mistakes and cange.You are the major person that could influence and possily change her life.BEGIN NOW!!!!
• United States
11 Feb 07
I disagree with you on all you say this may be tough love but it is the loving thing to do at 19 she needs to realise the word does not revolve around her !if she lives in her mothers house she should be ready to live by the mothers rules she is using her mother to enable bad behaviour and alowing it is not realy the loving thing to do Parents are to teach children resonsibility not to allow then to ride roughshod over them in the name of love .
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@Munira (484)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Yes, I have been a single mother since my daughter was a toddler. And, I was not out of the home often because of health problems. I have never denied my daughter love. I do have "laws" in my home. My job as a mother is to do my best to help my childen learn to be productive, responsibile, and law-abiding citizens of society as adults. If a child is not taught to abide by the rules of his/her home, how can they be expected to abide by the rules/laws of society?