My BF and I love each other, but he is way too involved with his family...

@pagibig (300)
Philippines
February 10, 2007 12:41pm CST
I love my bf and he loves me, but i feel like instead of spending time with me, he spends most if his time trying to make his family happy. He was considered the black sheep of his family and somehow he is making up for the stupid things he did when he was younger. His mom still sees him as a big disappointment. I know that he is not and i stand by his side. He is a wonderful wonderful person. But we always fight because there are days that he cancels on our date because he had to run an errand for his mom and his dad or a member of the family. There are days that our dates were cut short because his mom wanted him to go home for another errand. I call him an errand boy, i tried to understand/tolerate his situation. I know that he loves me but quality time with him is getting less and less often now because if his family. I am contemplating breaking up with him but i can't. The thought of not having him to love is way too painful that the thought of sharing him with his family... Somehow i think this relationship is not healthy...have any of you ever had the same experience? I need some insight on this.
13 people like this
52 responses
• United States
10 Feb 07
Unfortunately, until he (dont get upset) builds his self-esteem and comes to the realization that he may not ever be able to please his parents 100% then he will stay the same way he is. It is sad that they would look at him as the black sheep and of course, everyone wants their parents to be proud of them. It is just that he seems to feel that the only way to now receive his parents love and approval is to be their go-for guy. That is something that only he will have to come to terms with. His parents probably realize what they are doing, but choose to use that to their advantage. It would be good if he could build the standard of allowing quality time with you to not be interrupted, but the only way he will be able to do that is if he makes a schedule for his errands so that his parents and family will know that is the only time he has to do them and when he is with you then his time is for you. Basically, this is all up to him. If you nag him about it, it may not help. It is something that he has to face and get past unless it will continue to happen. Also, some people just have a difficult time saying "no" to others when they are asked to do something even when they don't really feel like doing it. Best of luck to you two!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 07
May be you can tag along when he is running his errands for the family too. That would be some together time - just a thought!
1 person likes this
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
yes it is a self-esteem issue. it just feels so tiring and unhealthy to always be the one to sacrifice. and i also tried going with him on errands, that's how i met his mom. what the mom did was this, after she met me, my bf and i went out on a date and that's when she keeps on interrupting our date. there was this one time that we were supposed to celebrate our 'monthsary', he saved up for it because he wanted to take me somewhere really nice, the last minute, he had to cancel, because his mom said he had to go with him for something important. it turned out his mom wanted him to hold her bags while she shops. but you people are right. he has to do it himself. and i try not to nag.. but lately.. i had to. he missed my birthday because of his 'duties' to his family..
1 person likes this
@davaoguy (319)
• United States
10 Feb 07
He should find a balance among all these things. in your case, you should be more tolerable about his situation. Love should be a compromise and not seen as an obligation. If I were in your shoes, I would give him ideas on how he could balance these things out. I just hope everything turns out well for you two.
1 person likes this
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
10 Feb 07
i asked him to find a balance. we've been trying to find balance for 9 months. :(
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 07
strike a balance....
@koikoikoi (1247)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Well that sucks for you. Well just look at it this way. So what you're saying is that if you have a family with him you'll get mad because he is with you and your kid too much? You want him to leave so you can be with the baby all by yourself? No, I get what you're saying but a girl he met just some time in his mid'life can't and will not intefere with the people that he has been his whole life and the mother that with great amounts of pain brought him into this world. Have you told him how you feel? For me I think you either tell him what you feel and what your thinking including breaking up with him or just live with it. It's the only way.
1 person likes this
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
You obviously don't get the situation...
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
I love a guy who really loves his family. This just shows how much he'll love you and your future family. But if it gets out of hand that he loses the balance, I think you should talk to him about this. Tell him how you feel and maybe he has something to say about this as well. Always keep an open communication between the two of you. Its not that you dont want him to spend time with his family but he also has to understand that he has a comittment with you too. He has a girlfriend where he should spend time with too. Find ways where you two can meet in the middle and compromise. I hope things get better for you both. Hugs!
1 person likes this
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
Thank you for this comment. It made me feel a lot better. I know he loves me, and i know it's killing him to not have to give me the attention i deserve. we talked about it (several times actually), he knows that i also need to feel important to him. He knows that i'm having a difficult time because of our situation, but that i am trying SO HARD to support him and make this relationship work. And that as long as i love him i will continue to support him. It's just that he's been trying for so long to make up for the things he did before. he's been trying to make up for it for 5-6 years now. i just think that his family is taking advantage of him now, and that whatever he does, it will never be enough for them. i want to break up with him because it is so difficult to deal with this situation. but i can't because i love him. and i'd rather be miserable with him than happy without him. thank you everyone for posting.
@onabreak2 (1162)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Break up with him if you cant take him spending too much time with his family. It is never going to get any better. I have two friends with daughter in laws just like you. Their sons are miserable and only because the wifes dont understand the bonds a loving family has. No one is a winner in a situation like this. Let go of him so he can find someone who can tolerate the bonds he has with his family. He obviously loves them a lot and should not have to choose between his family or a girlfriend. Time is too short for the both of you to be wasting it over things like this. His family is not going to be around forever and it will only cause resentment in the long run if he doesnt get to spend time with them now. Sorry this is not what you want to hear but it is the truth.
1 person likes this
@KHyuga (1700)
• Singapore
11 Feb 07
Well, every situation is unique and you can't just judge what is going to happen based on what has happened to others. Perhaps the current situation is transitory?
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
10 Feb 07
It has been my experience that peopl like your boyfriend never stop being a whipping boy for the family. If you stay with him and then marry him you will be faced with meddling in-laws and your lives will be mieserabel. I suggest you break things off but explain to him why you are doing it. YOu might also add that you will always be there fo him if he ever gets his priorities turned around, but the prospects of a future with him are pretty grim with the way things are going with his parents.
• United States
10 Feb 07
i never seen things that way i used to be with a guy like that but i could not deal with it, he put his sister's and father's and mother's needs before his own daughter's needs. maybe he still is then I dont know!? he IS the whipping boy for his family!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
I think that you should talk to each other about the situation. in a relationship communication is very important. if the two of you did not patch things up right away you should always discuss again and again to him the disadvantages of too much time to his family set some example. i know there are reading materials regarding his problem and how to solve it. tell him that the damaged has been done already and spending time to his family is not the solution to pay for the things that he had done wrong to his parents maybe not doing the things that he had done before as a black sheep or being a better person now is enough. its nice to know that your boyfriend is very much attached to his family because he will do the same to you and to your future children but he should not spoil them because in the long run his family cannot move without him and time will come that you should go on your own getting married for example. if you love him you have to understand him i guess it is better than having an affair with other women. try to spend some time with yourself and to your family and friends while his busy with his family it will do you good.
• Malaysia
11 Feb 07
hihi...me oso face tis problem being with my bf...sometimes we oledi plan a date n waiting for the moment but suddenly he told me tat his mum o dad ask him 2 do sth...then it;s really make me so dissapointed...he's not only involve in family but oso frens...for me i can't do anything juz always complain n angry with him...but sometimes i will tink tat can he do anything?...if he start 2 ignore their family n frens n stick 2 us...will u tink he is a gud guy?...maybe tink from another side then will make us more happy...he oso lost his way...so being with him..we hav 2 tolerate with him cos tat's his family n we dun make him fil stress o wad being the middle person...we know tat they love us...they oso wish 2 spend time with us...that's enuf...hope can help u some...
1 person likes this
• India
11 Feb 07
Yes i have had and here its my girl friend. The problem is not as same as yours but the thing is any prob in her house or even her friend does not speck to her all she does is stop talking to me, getting frustrated and finalyy says that you leave me and i wanna die . She has never said that she wants to live with me instead n number of times she has said that she wanna die. All that i would tell you is just be on his side. He will give all his love and remember if he does not do good in his house to make up for what he did when he was young then it is gonna be a problem for you too.
1 person likes this
@alchemistrx (2571)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
I am with you on the same boat.I have to do errands too for my family and frankly I cannot spend my time with ny boyfriend somehow and I want some homeostasis in my life free from them just a bit and for myself.
1 person likes this
@KHyuga (1700)
• Singapore
11 Feb 07
While it's good that your boyfriend showers care on his family, I think cutting short dates just for last-minute errands is just too much. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel about all these?
@ogtuwan (312)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
Let me say.. You are such a lucky girl!! You are so lucky that you have a boyfriend like him. You are having problems because he does'nt spend much time with you... and that he sometimes cancel your dates because of his family obligations... But haven't you notice how much a family man he is? on how much he is attached to his family? Did you know that only 20% of men population treats families like that? Sometimes we have to see things on a brighter side for us to understand a person more. One reason why your boyfriend is acting that way is beacuse he wants to fill the obligations and responsibilities he missed. You are the one sacrificing... that hurts I know... but, he did that because he know that, of all people, you are the first person to understand and be happy for what he is doing. He wants you to be proud of him, and he wants you to realize that if he will have a family on your own, he will do everything to put you and your family on his top priority. Have a nice day... and I hope I helped you in some way...
1 person likes this
@jhoanee (598)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
you know what you had the same situation with my best friend. shes complaining coz her bf had more time spend with her family than her. it is really disappointing coz you have to have quality time in order for your relationship to work. my best friendd also thought of breaking up with him but she cant coz she loves him too. i guess the best thing to do is have a talk to him, look into his eyes straight and tell him we need to talk and it is importand and urgent. dont accept any excuses if he cant then tell him ok i guess you didnt ove anymore we have to stop this..then see if whats his reaction. just give it a try it doesnt mean you really have to break-up with him just give him a warning. hope you relationship with your bf will be fine..goodluck!
• United States
11 Feb 07
My husband and his family is VERY close. If you are wanting to be with him make that effort to be with him when his family and him are together. You not only will be close with his family you will be with him. If you want this to keep going on then don't try hanging out with his family but if you want to be apart of his life then be apart of his family.
1 person likes this
@inplano (298)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Yes I understand your situation, I feel you need to speak to him and let him know what you think. Also I think you need to speak to his family as well and they too should support you in this matter because at the end of it it is going to be good for their child. All the best.
@coolcatzz (1588)
• Canada
10 Feb 07
No I have never experienced the same thing but it doesn't sound like it's a very good balance. I mean family is important but so are you personal relationships. I would tend to think if he is like this now then if you really settled down things could get worse. I feel for you, you are in a tough situation but I wish you the best of luck.
1 person likes this
@god_spear (498)
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
I think you should talk seriously and explain your side to him, tell him waht you felt, maybe you can agreed that you should have an schedule of your date ahead of time and he should tell it to his family about your agreement so that they knew that you have a date. You said that you cant break him since you loved him very much, he is very lucky to have you and if he really love you he should understand your situation.
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
thank you for your post. we already talked and he knows my side. we will work things out eventually. i just need to hang in there and patiently wait.
• Nigeria
11 Feb 07
hi---pagibig,i read ur story, and i kind of feel for you, let me give you an advice,for the fact,that you both still LOVE each other,is an evident that things will soon work out fine,ok,the parent can't hv him for ever,if you can be patient enough,sooner or later, you will get marry to him and he will then know that he is now a FAMILY MAN,why? is alway with his parent is bcos "you guys" are just boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.remember LOVE CONQUER ALL THINGS.so, persevere,endure and over look thing too,very soon HE'S ALL YOURS.
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
thank you. but we'll be apart very soon. he's gonna be working out of the country. i don't want him to go, but i think this is his chance to be free from his family. but that's just another complication in this relationship. but i guess if things are way too complicated and we still love each other, then maybe it's just worth staying for. right? that might just mean we can overcome all odds.
@charms88 (7543)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
OMG, its like you just gave a brief history of what my sister is going through. the only difference here is that my sister's married. Even before they got married, her husband's parents were always trying to make decision for them. They always involved themselves in their affairs. Little things, big things. Sadly, my sis to this day kept crying so much that I felt so helpless. I can't say that this things will happen to you but I would try to look further and observe with an open eyes just where your relationship with your BF will lead to. I wish you good luck.
@pagibig (300)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
As i feel so helpless right now. I can only hope that things work out. That he can find that balance, and that i can still hold on till he finds that balance. i don't want to take him away from his family. but i don't think his family is good for him. thank you for posting.
• India
11 Feb 07
I think, a relation can't last long if there commitment is absent. So, I can advice you, you should rethink about yours relation. I suggest, you should discuss your thoughts with your bf and say him that, he should keep balance with you and his family, otherwise it will hard for you to keep the relationship.