Stay at home moms

United States
February 16, 2007 2:24pm CST
Do any of you stay at home moms feel like you are constantly working 24/7 and your husband gets 2 days off? I understand tat when my hubby comes home from work he want to relax, or on his days off he wants to just hang out, but I feel like every once in a while he should take and play with our baby for a little while to give me a break. I don't think he has ever put her to sleep or woken up in the morning w/ her. Maybe once a month he will take the baby for an hour while I take a nap and it is wonderful. Is my thinking way off? What do you think?
12 people like this
43 responses
• United States
16 Feb 07
Well, my hubby has a job where he works three 12 hour shifts, and gets paid for 40 hours a week. So, he's home 4 days. He sleeps in, surfs the 'net, plays nintendo, and leaves dishes in the sink (sigh). Even HE is starting to notice that I'm busy all the time, and he has lots more leisure time. What is working for us is that I ask him, 'Can you watch the baby while I _____?' because honestly, it just doesn't occur to him to offer. If I say I want to go to the store by myself (I'm talking 20 minute run to the supermarket here) he's fine watching her...but it'd never occur to him to think all that up. You might find the same thing to be true with your husband - maybe if you 'schedule' some time that he's in charge of the baby, you can so something you need or want to do! Hope this helps!
• United States
16 Feb 07
I will tell him I need to run to the store for something and I hope he will say "I'll watch the baby while you go". That hasn't happened yet but we have discussed me joining a gym so I can have me time at least 30 min a day.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Feb 07
I don't mean for this to sound 'mean'...but my experience has been that I have to be really, really direct. If I just say 'I need to go to the store', he'll say 'ok'. I have to say, 'Will you watch the baby while I go to the store?' Guys think different than we do. I also make sure that I thank him, and let him know how much it means to me to get a tiny bit of 'me' time now and then. A little kiss doesn't hurt!
4 people like this
• United States
16 Feb 07
Oops...I came back to add something else! I do, sometimes, feel like I'm working 24/7....but really, I do get to sleep (some, hee hee) and when the baby is napping, I have a little quiet and I can do some things I want/need to do. It took me a while (she is 15 mos old now) to get myself organized so that I keep the house tidy with less effort, I have meals planned, etc. etc. Once I got myself used to being home full time, and started treating it as 'my job', I got it all organized. Now I'm more relaxed, and I enjoy it LOTS more. You didn't say how old your little one is, but if this is your first child (this is our first) the changes can be overwhelming. Hang in there, and things will settle into some routines that work for you and your family! Your attitude about thinks can make or break you...at least that's been true for me!
4 people like this
• United States
16 Feb 07
Thanks for the encouragement.. This is my first and she is almost 5 months.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Feb 07
You have some stuff to look forward to! Pretty soon your little one will be sitting up well, and you can get out more. I remember how much freedom it felt like when I could take her to a store, and she could sit up in the cart! Even if we didn't buy anything, just getting out for a little bit was awesome. Since she could see everything, she was excited about it too! Really, things will get better soon! Hang in there!
4 people like this
@apky12 (775)
• United States
17 Feb 07
Yes, I never get a day off. Even on the weekends I get the kids up and take them to the gym with me while he sleeps in. I never get a second to myself unless I'm going to get them something. Then he'll watch them but he'll usually ask me to take one of them. I know how you feel!
• United States
17 Feb 07
mine too, if I go grocery shopping he makes me take 1, usually the baby, taking both of them to the DMV to get my license renewed while he was bowling with his friends was HELL!
1 person likes this
@mememama (3077)
• United States
16 Feb 07
Well I really do work 24/7, my hubby is rarely around due to his job, like he's physically never in the home for weeks at a time. When he was home, he really would just give my son a bath and that's about it. But as my son got older, he really did get more involved with him, like feeding him solids, playing, changing diapers (cloth diapers nonetheless lol which was hard). I think men are a little intimidated by little babies. I also had problems giving him some control with him, like it was hard when he was holding our baby to not stand over his shoulder and say "give him a little more head support" or something like that. I just found I had to walk out of the room sometimes and let my feelings go. Now that my son is becoming more boyish, you know like throwing balls back and forth or playing with cars, he's way more into him. Think about it, for babies we as mothers do the nursing (sometimes), the burping, and just about everything because we spend so much time with them, we know what the baby wants. If men work, they aren't around as much to know what to do, so it's kind of scary!
4 people like this
@shambuca (2560)
• United States
16 Feb 07
I don't have any children (only 2 dogs) but i remember when I was little I used to hear my mother say- A man will work from sun to sun- but a womans work is never done! Guess that sums its up!
4 people like this
@tejamsk (23)
• India
17 Feb 07
You are absolutely right. All husbands should share some of the household work so that you ladies will be getting some rest and it depends on the understandings between wife and husband.
@broden (45)
• Sweden
17 Feb 07
of course he should help, no jobs is as hard as taking care of a baby and the home :P
3 people like this
• United States
17 Feb 07
being a wife and mother is a full time job its a thankless job he should be more considerate and help
• United States
17 Feb 07
I'm a stay at home mom right now and it is very exhausting. It's not fair that we alone have to be responsible for so much and hardly get a break. You need to share some responsibilities.
• United States
17 Feb 07
I myself am a stay at home mom. My husband works between 40-60 hours a week. At first our lives were just as you described. We had a sit down and put it all out on the table. He needed to understand that this is "my job" and that I deserved "a day off too". So whenever he is home he helps out. If I cook he does bathtime. We do heavy housecleaning together one day a week. I do the rest during the week. Also we each get one day to do whatever we wish to do with our own friends and such. We have more to talk about and get along better when we're together. Also we're teaching our three boys that men can do their fair share around the house and how to compromise :)
@patgalca (14649)
• Orangeville, Ontario
17 Feb 07
Although I agree a mother works 24/7 and a father doesn't seem to, I feel for some of you. Though my husband must have his golf day and I criticize him for stopping being a father and a husband for that time, he does do a lot around here. When my daughter was a baby and woke up in the middle of the night for her feeding, he would get up, go and change her and bring her to me to feed her. If I fell asleep feeding (which always happened) he would get up and take her back to bed. He spent nights pacing the floor with a colicky baby. He has looked after puking kids, and takes part in running the kids around to their activities (as long as it doesn't interfere with golf day - we're in Canada so no golf right now, or work). He washes dishes, vacuums and washes the floors. But he is still not a father 24/7. I check my kids before I go to bed. I worry about them when I am not at home, or they are out. That is 24/7 work. Men have an "out of sight out of mind" attitude, in my opinion. When my husband goes away to visit his family for a week, I would like to think he is thinking of me and the kids and would know that if he called every day, but he doesn't. He SAYS he is thinking of us and misses us. Whatever. Reading other women's stories here has made me realize what a treasure I have in my husband. I will focus on his positive traits. Right now he is flat on his back with a back injury. He can barely walk or sit but will get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning to drive my daughter an hour away for two tournaments (one basketball, one Taekwondo). He has no social life (though he does complain about that) but when he performs his fatherly duties he does so 100%. And this is a man who really never wanted kids, but he loves them entirely. I feel bad for you mothers and think your kids' fathers need wake up calls. They should be participating more.
3 people like this
@Michele21 (3094)
• United States
17 Feb 07
I totally understand!! My husband will sat something like I just want to relax on my day off and not have to do anything, and I am like, "Well when is my day off??" Since then he is starting to understand more and he gets up with the kids every now and then so I can sleep in, and we just started that the first Saturday of the month he takes the kids for me. They usually go out to breakfast and lunch then do other activities during the day, and I get to do whatever I want to at home or whatever. And I usually go to a movie in the afternoon or night. It is kinda frusterating because I will come home after 9pm and the kids are still awake but I figure they are having fun with daddy so I can't complain about them staying up late. Just try to explain it to your hubby that you need alone time without the kids around. Good luck!!
3 people like this
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
17 Feb 07
I do agree with you. Not only do you need a break, as having a baby is very stressful, but it is also good for your husband to "connect" with his child. Spending time with the baby will help this loving connection to occur.
• United States
17 Feb 07
I couldn't agree with you more! Unfortunately, if I try and ask my husband to help me out more it usually ends up in an argument about how he works so hard and I don't appreciate him enough. What dads don't seem to understand is that we work just as hard, or harder, than they do and don't get 2 days off a week to sleep in and do whatever we want, whenever we want. In many ways I envy my husband!
• United States
16 Feb 07
I totally agree with you. I feel the same way. even when we go on vacation is it really a vacation for the mom NO! I go to school to nights a week and I still have to find a sitter for the kids because he has had a hard day at work and can not watch them. so I have to pay someone. this makes it worse he lives in a whole different house and is just him so he gets breaks and quite all the time.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Feb 07
Actually, I am super lucky, my husband understands and is so supportive. Just this morning he got up with our two year old. Given, I do work part time but he does more than his share for someone who works a little over full time. He is great to me. On his days off, if I am home, it is my day off really because he helps out SO much with our son. I am looking at having another baby and have no worries about how much help he will be with that too!
2 people like this
• United States
17 Feb 07
My hubby was the same way. *tsk, tsk, tsk* :sigh: But I started only doing my housework from the time he left for work till he got home & didn't do a thing on his days off. My home went to c-r-a-p. And when he started to complain on how everything wasn't as nice as when I worked around the clock. I told him he could either 1) help me around the house when he's home; or 2) quit complaining or I'd go on strike. He started helping. :) Now we have 2 kids, one of which has severe health complications, so we BOTH work at keeping the house spotless.
2 people like this
• United States
16 Feb 07
In a perfect world! My husband is only home one day a week and doesn't want to be stuck with the baby then either, so we just all veg on Sundays. Makes my work that much harder on Mondays, but it is nice to just be lazy with him and my son.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Feb 07
i have been sahm for almost a year now, wow time flies. anyway, i do feel that way too, my husband is working on weekdays and when he gets a day off, i feel like it's his turn to take care of the baby and take care of me. he doesnt do it all the time, but i make him do it anyway. it's so stressful and i feel like he needs to be there too. he might be working on weekdays and his work requires hard labor but i feel like im still working harder than he is. i dont know though, i feel guilty sometimes too making him take care of our daughter but i feel so much better after an hour of being alone or just napping while he takes care of our daughter. i think we all deserve a little bit of off day, that's how i feel anyway.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 07
I certainly dont think you are being unreasonable. But with that having been said, I also know that most men are probably just like your hubby. I know mine is. Mothering is something that fathers just dont feel as confident about (for obvious reasons). And after seeing the "nack" moms have with the little ones, I think they in essence start gradually feeling less and less capable of child care themselves. "Well, she is better with the baby than I am...." Another part of it is just traditional and instinctual gender roles. Men are the hunter/gatherers and women the child bearers/homemakers. I know that sounds hokey, but it really does ring true. Just like being a mother seems to come "naturally" to us, being a man (working, doing the physical duties) comes "naturally" to men. It takes a diliberate effort on a fathers part to be as active as mom when it comes to parenting (and that means in all facets). Im right there with you, though. My husband loves our daughter, but whenever he takes her you can see this look of "ok, how long do I have to do this???" on his face. And similarly, a look of relief when I come and take her back (giggle). My husband is now only home 1.5 days a week, and even when he IS at home, I rarely get more than 15 minutes to myself to shower. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
1 person likes this