He did it again and it makes me so mad!!!

@devideddi (1437)
United States
February 18, 2007 8:16pm CST
My husband over ruled me when I told my son no. I didn't want him to spend the night at this friend's house. I have never been there and although I have known the friend for 2 years I have never met the parents. He had already been gone for awhile and I said that was enough for now. Not to mention all his chores had not been done. I gave my answer,my reasons why sternly and my husband said I'm gonna let him go. Said we need to let him do stuff and not hold him back. That may or may not be true but he should not have went against me. I could see they both had their minds make up in the beginning. It did not matter at all what I said!! So mad I could cry!
21 people like this
62 responses
@chaime (1153)
• Philippines
19 Feb 07
Oh my goodness. That's a hard one. You should talk to your husband regarding this stuff. Above all else both of you should have a united front in front of your children, else they will have no respect for one or either of you. Before permitting or not permitting your son to do anything you two should discuss it first and then one of you should be the one to tell your son and not you tell him one thing and your husband another. You should both make the effort to at least try to get each other's opinion first before doing anything for or against something your child asks of you. You have a point there in not letting him spend the night at a friends house, specially since you don't know the parents and you haven't seen the house and he didn't finish his chores, although you're husband also has a point, that you need to let your son go and all that stuff, but point is you should have talked about it and gave him some ahm shall we say conditions before he can go, like finish his chores, or when he gets there he should let his friend's parents talk to you on the phone and stuff like that. I can understand your anger and I symphatize, my husband and I were like that before but we have come to a compromise that when it comes to the children we should show a united front and talk it out first before any permission will be or will not be granted our children. the best thing to do, really is talk to your husband and make him realize that by over riding your authority with your kids makes or will make you an ineffective parent in the long run.
@devideddi (1437)
• United States
20 Feb 07
i agree with everything you said but hubby just don't care. i have talked to him. thanks chaime
@nicolec (2674)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I would not tolerate that from the husband. Playing good cop bad cop only leads to trouble and your son will learn how to play the two of you against each other. If you feel you can, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about this. A calm and collective serious talk. Yelling won't acomplish anything. In the mean time, see if you can find an opportunity to meet the parents. Go with your son to the house and spend time with the parents while the kids play. that might help things in the future. Best of luck to you.
@devideddi (1437)
• United States
20 Feb 07
thats what makes me so mad cause he has done this before and I have explained to him and told him all ways. He don't care. and yes the kids do play us, they always go to him first if its something they think I won't like or let them do.
@Shaun72 (15970)
• Palatka, Florida
19 Feb 07
I bet. I mean if you had already told your son no your husband shouldn't over rule you. It sounds like he's not on your side at all.
@devideddi (1437)
• United States
20 Feb 07
not this time anyway!
@cassidy22 (2975)
• United States
19 Feb 07
This isnt right. You need to be a team when it comes to you children, and you need to be on the same page. You need to talk to him, and when you disagree on what to do with the kids, again, you need to talk it over together. Going against each other undermines your authority with the kids AND confuses them about what is right and what is wrong. If he won't talk to you about it, consider counseling. A marriage won't work if people can't communicate.
2 people like this
@chaime (1153)
• Philippines
19 Feb 07
I agree with you. Husband and wife should be able to talk to each other. Marriage really wouldn't work if you can't communicate
2 people like this
• Philippines
19 Feb 07
i feel for you, some dad allowed that to happen, but for me, if i decide on something i won't let my husband interfere. he should give me right to decide, to go or not to go. after all, mothers knows best...
2 people like this
@tammyr (5970)
• Etowah, Tennessee
19 Feb 07
Don't be to upset. It will not help. You need to sit down with him and decide what can be done and want can't. You should let your son do things but he also needs to know that chores are important. I would be sure he makes up for what was not done. You have known the boy for 2 years then you have seen what kind of family he comes from by the child's behavior. It will reflect the way he was raised. May I ask how old they are?
2 people like this
19 Feb 07
Your the same as me. I'm the strict one and my wife the rule breaker. although my sons only 9 months old it gets annoying for when she allows him to eat chocolate before his meals etc. although i never say anything because i don't like to argue, i think it's slightly sad when two grown adults do this. Maybe you should tell your husband how you feel, i'm with you on this. i'd like to know who my sons staying over with and what there parents are like as it's a long time a sleep over. Kudos. ~Joey P.s i hope you feel happier soon.
2 people like this
@20031969 (934)
• India
20 Feb 07
in my point of view every child should be obedient since childhood then he / she can grow more and more because discipline, honesty, punctuality, hard work favours the brave. if he / she does not have habit of listening to parents that means he / she is obstinate, rude and unpractical. so instead of being hard towards his / her children, we parents mutually discuss with him / her his / her liking and disliking.
1 person likes this
@bigedshult1 (1613)
• United States
20 Feb 07
you were wright your husband should have not sead yes after you sead no he is all wrong if he dis agreed with you he should have got you all a lone then talk it over with you till you cane to the sane disjoin on it but i think you were wright in not wetting go till you met the parents of the other kids and he had his chores done
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 07
I am really sorry that this has happened to you. Parents should not disagree on that type of decision in front of the child. He should have discussed it with you without the child being present and then found a decision that you both agreed on.Your husband sent a very bad message to your son when he over ruled you.
1 person likes this
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I think you two parents need to come to some agreement you cant have this discord or you wont parent effectively
• United States
20 Feb 07
That does seem to be a sticky situation. It is hard because although your husband may have been doing what he felt was right, he still should not have overruled you like that. Marriage is a partnership, and raising kids has to be done together. All decisions need to be joint decisions, and when both parties can't agree, they just have to continue talking it out, because there is no third vote. Parents also have to present a united front to their children, because children need to know that they need to respect both of their parents, and that each parent has equal power in the household. I agree with some of the other posters, that you should sit your husband down and talk to him, because he can't just treat you like that you deserve to have your decisions and your input validated too!
• United States
19 Feb 07
You gave in to it and that is your fault. I would for one have met the parents from day one. Next I would have gone to get his tail and back home. This again is why so many relationships are in trouble. You had every right to stand your ground on this. Your son should have had his chores done and all. I must say how ever you run your home is your right. these days it is only the right thing. To meet he parents of the kids. I would never stand for this for 2 years. Good luck
@jenalyn (675)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I understand that feeling totally. I was crying by the time he understood that I was actually upset by it. We discussed it and I felt better with my daughter being out, but then we had to discuss the real issue. He can't just make a final decision and over rule me and go in favor of my daughter and I am out voted. It is not like that. There has to be more time for the decision to be made than one of us just saying "Well, I SAY yes!" so no more discussion. We are supposed to agree on what is right, and when we don't then we dicuss it until we have compromised or have agreed to terms. What he did was wrong, and disrespectful. It also send the message to your son that he doesn't have to listen to you. Does your husband want to be totally in charge of your son's upbringing? If he says yes to that, then it is unreasonable and he is being immature and childish. It takes both of you, not just the one who says yes. When you get a chance you should try telling him that you are capable of understanding his point of view, and that you are both the parents and that in the future when you don't agree he has to wait on the final decision to be made by both of you. Tell him by over ruling you and not giving your point of view a thought at all sends the message to your son that you are not to be respected when you don't agree, and he doesn't have to listen. I hope you get to tell your husband that. It is damaging your role as a parent. That is why you would never do that to him.
• United States
19 Feb 07
Oh man that would tick me off. You two need to sit down and make a parenting plan. I know it sounds crazy but I have a set of friends that their kids used to play one against the other so while the parents argued the kids did what they wanted. They sat down together without the children and had a heart to heart about how each of them felt the children should be handled they each compromised on some issues and completly agreed on others. In the end they had what they call their parent plan, when they need to they refer back to it so that even when they are angry the plan is the calming voice so to say.
@Ravenladyj (22993)
• United States
19 Feb 07
OMG I would have lost my damn mind...mind you our two kids are MY two kids from a previous relationship and even with their bio father I HAD final say and not even he dare cross me on it....Regardless though, your reasons are perfectly logical and I'm sorry but i think your husband was wrong for numerous reasons...I'm all for giving the kids their freedom but its not like you were being unreasonable at all....Have you talked to your husband about it? Are you going to talk to your boy about it? I would..I would talk to both of them and tell them that under no circumstances do you appreciate being ganged up for starters and then let them both knwo that you dont want it to happen again....then I would also talk to your husband alone and tell him exactly how this little sharade made you feel and how you being treated like that was unacceptable and unfair on his part...
@lisa101 (1363)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I understand where you are coming from this happens to me quite alot also. Its like what i say dont matter and it does upset me. I don't want to be the bad guy all the time and could use some back up sometimes.
• United States
19 Feb 07
Communication is the key to a happy life. Before you or your husband make any decisions, why don't you two go in a private room to get both of your views on things and decide together. That's what my husband and I do all the time. The children know if I say no or my husband that we are going to back each other. Try to ask your husband can you two start doing that so the child or children won't use you two against each other. The child or children need firm parent figures.
@royal52gens (5379)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Been there, done that!!! Our children have learned that mom usually says no and dad usually says yes, so they skip the mom and go straight for the dad. The dad and the mom are being pitted against each other. The children are learning to manipulate the adults. After they got caught several times do this, the parents now hear the child out and respond with "Let me discuss this with your mom/dad and we will let you know what we decide." Of course, this communication skill took a long time for the parents to develop since the dad was trying to be friends with the child and had to reminded his job is to be a parent first and a friend second. Then his next excuse was about how hard it is to say no. True, but occasionally we parents must use the word.
19 Feb 07
i would hate it if my other half did that. i hate it when you see parents out and one says one thing and then the over caves in rather than stick to what the other parent says