3 more days & it's my wedding... still stressed because of expenses!!!

Philippines
February 20, 2007 9:48pm CST
I don't really know why should I be writing about this thing, I know this is way too personal but it seems like I have no choice coz if I don't let this out I'll explode!!! My husband and I just had a civil marriage last Dec. 30, 06 and then after that my mother was forcing us to have a church wedding because of her religious beliefs. I am also religious and I truly value my faith, but I was thinking to have the marriage after I give birth so we can save more for the baby. But she insisted, she said that I'll have more grace because I have God's blessing if we get married at the church. Since I also have this guilt feeling (because I got pregnant first before getting married w/c really disappointed her) I convinced my husband to just obey her. My husband did not want to because of the expenses. He said we didn't have enough money for it and might as well save what was left from our civil wedding. I was really caught in between but I wouldn't want to leave my mom disappointed again. So I told him it is my parents who's gonna pay for the wedding expenses. He agreed and still managed to give money for the gown and the entourage. But he said the reception will be shouldered by my parents. Unfortunately my parents did not give me enough... not even close to half of it. So I shouldered everything and all my savings are gone and I still need Php20000 (roughly $400) before Saturday for the remaining balance for the caterer. My loan was denied bcoz I don't own a credit card... now I'm so lost. I am very tempted to ask God... did I make the right choice? Was it right to be practical instead of obeying my mom and have this sacrament? I chose to have this wedding thinking that it will straighten out my mistakes... thinking that if I followed GOd's path it will make things better. Don't get me wrong... I don't blame anyone for this, except me. I am really sorry to my baby because of all the stress and depression I'm feeling. But I don't know which way to go. If my husband founds out about this for sure he'll be mad at me and my parents. I don't want him to feel bad against my parents. I know right now they keep on meddling with our life, but it's natural... because it just happened so fast... they were unprepared for this moment. It just makes me feel a little relieved that I can write this feeling here and somehow people will read it and listen to what I feel.
7 people like this
34 responses
@rsa101 (16191)
• Quezon City, Philippines
21 Feb 07
Well your mom might be right in the sacrament thing but the receptionI don't htink is neccesary to be that big but as you know Filipino weddings are such a big event and a reception is more expensive as with the church wedding. I have the same situation way way back and so far we managed to get it over the day. But it really is very stressful for everybody the family always want the wedding to be like this and that. Goodluck and hope everything would be okay during yiour church wedding. I hope your well-wishers would just give you cash instead of gifts so that at least it could cover your needed money for the reception. Many weddings reception nowaday even ask for money instead of material gifts. Maybe you could ask your guest for that it is more convenient for your guests and it would also help you settle all your finances of your wedding.
• Philippines
24 Feb 07
I agree. As a guest at some of my friends' weddings, I often gave cash as gift because it's more convenient for me, plus it would help them with the expenses.
@lucky_witch (2711)
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
Maybe the only thing that I can say is that... you're in a big trouble. Maybe it would be better if you your husband. You can't keep this to your self... think about the baby. just tell your husband that you also want to have church wedding... its a once in a lifetime experience... also every parents want their daughter to march into the altar... you'll soon be a mother... you'll understand the feelings... im telling you. im sure your husband wants you to be happy... so let him know. Good luck
2 people like this
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
*maybe it would be better if you tell your husband...
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Feb 07
I think its natural to want to obey your parents wishes and get approval, but if you're already keeping things from your husband - it's a major problem. I imagine he'll be pretty mad when he finds out that you kept this from him. I understand why you did it, and you can't change it. Maybe you can ask your parents for the remaining amount considering it was your mom who pushed for this wedding?
2 people like this
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
i really don't know... my parents are as hard as a stone. They gave me money but it wasn't enough... besides I know they'll say that i opted for this to happen. if i was careful enough i wouldn't be pregnant and wouldn't be suffering like this... i know they'd say that.
2 people like this
@tarachand (3895)
• India
21 Feb 07
I think that you need to spsek with your husband about this, come out in the open, because if he finds out from elsewhere, where does your relationship stand? Put yourself in your husbands shoes, if you ever found out about something similar, what would you feel? Remember, parent are importnat, but more importnat for a person is the spouse, normally, this is the only person for you in life - parents have each other, your kids will find partners for themselves, only your spouse will be there for you.
@tarachand (3895)
• India
21 Feb 07
Oh, and wish you all the best! Wish you and your husband and your family a long and happy life of togetherness and joy!
@nishanity (1651)
• India
21 Feb 07
well,,, its said that a gals biggest dream is to have a good and traditional wedding... you are the shining star of the day!! you go ahead and anjoy the day!!! but if its too expensiv,then dont make it too grand... but i guess its a lil late to say this as u have only 3 days left for ur D-day!!!! all i can say is tht its too late to bail out... so just stay put,borrow from pals and enjoy ur day!
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Feb 07
Well, it's possible to have a church wedding without all the extra expense. You could just have a simple church ceremony and skip the big reception party. Or maybe your parents woudl agree to have all of the guests come to their home for cake.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
21 Feb 07
i don't think it is wise of you to keep things from your husband... husband and wife should be open to each other and there should be no secret... because it will destroy your relationship with him if he finds out later that you had kept something from him... he will even despise your parents more... i still think honesty is the best policy... have a chat with him and tell him your real situation... hope you can resolve this matter quickly between your husband and your parents before your wedding... and please don't stress out too much because it is not good for the baby at all... good luck...
1 person likes this
@mobyfriend (1019)
• Netherlands
21 Feb 07
You should tell your husband of your troubles and frankly I think it's pretty horrible that you were forced into this wedding by your mother. Don't they that in the eye of God you are already married. If i were you I should not marry in church with such a huge financal debt. That debt will put so much pressure on your marriage. You should have listned to your husband in the first place because the bible says that a child will leave his father and mother and cling to his/her spouse. I know you love your parents but you should have listened to him before you got into this mess. I hope everything works out.
1 person likes this
@jmp824 (741)
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
Are you a Roman Catholic? The way I read it these are all Catholic beliefs and traditions. Maybe your husband forgot that it's his duty and responsibility to prepare everything for the wedding. Thats the old Filipino tradition. But for now, it doesnt work that way. We are now in a modern times, so wedding expenses will be like a share of 50/50 from the bride and groom. First and foremost, wedding dont need to be that expensive. To be blessed with a priest, attended by immediate family and relatives, will work just fine. How simple to say it. But if you are in a country like Philippines, it seems that weddings will be expensive and costly and a headache. For church weddings, of course theres these set of entourage and you have to rent all the gowns and stuff. Pay the church, prepare invitations and the reception. Reception is a great deal of money, cos even if you just do it at home, you still need to prepare enough food for everybody. Cos we have this attitude that "we dont want to be talked about after the wedding." I understand what you are feeling right now, cos i have been in that situation too. My parents expect much from muy hubby. I never thought it could be that expensive, cos what we plan was just a simple one. But what came out was a lil bit higher than being simple...hhehe.. newayz, the wedding day came and everyone enjoyed the party and i say it was a dream wedding! :) and after that, bank accounts were closed cos we run out of funds already. hahahha Everything was used for the wedding. I say you share your sentiments to your hubby. You plan together the pros and cons. Anywayz, it will only happen once in a lifetime, except if in the near future you plan to get divorced or annul your marriage, then i guess you will be experiencing again walking that aisle wearing your wedding gown. But for me, theres nothing can compare the feeling when you first walk in that aisle and the love of your life is waiting for you. Its just like heaven... ;)
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
21 Feb 07
You have gotten in to a terrible place trying to please everyone but your self. You mom bullied you into this wedding, and if it was so important to them they should have to pay for it. You are of course going to have to confess up to your husband and yes he is going to get mad and he will also get over it. But now would be a good time for you to start to stand up for your self, and tell your mom that any more of her interference will not be acceptable. You are married now and your loyalty runs with your husband and the father of your child.As for the expensive I hope it works out for you and maybe some of the people at you wedding will give you and your hubby money as gifts so It may work out yet. Best of luck
@mcaf1970 (140)
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
if you're 18 & above, well, it's about time to decide for yourself. pls. don't depend on your mom's decision. take my experience as an example: i learned i was pregnant june 1995. i informed my bf then my condition. we got married in manila city hall 1995. we had our church wedding aug 1996. my eldest was born january 10, 1996. we were the one who decided at later date. & besides i wanted to march down the aisle w/o a baby in my tummy. i wanted to look the most beautiful bride for that month. it took 15 months later to have my church wedding. why rush God's grace when God will understand (that's for sure) if you'll wed after you give birth? definitely, your hubby will be furious when he learns about it. pls avoid making your hubby very infuriated. it can really lead to separation. & advice your mom that you'll ask for her advice if needed. our parents are here just to guide us not to control our decision & life. you should have thought the practicality first. have you thought of your baby's needs? the expense you & hubby will pay when you give birth? we don't even know if you'll give birth by ceasarian section or normal. for sure your hubby doesn't want you to give birth in gov't hospital. even your mom. then why & what's the rush? too late, you can't postpone your wedding anymore. invitations have given out, made down payment to catering service etc. you should have a heart to heart talk with your hubby before deciding by yourself. pls, don't bypass your hubby. you are partners in life. if i were your hubby, i would feel unrespected by my own wife, hurt coz my wife didn't fight for me & my decision. don't put your parents in the center of your marriage. they won't be here for long. make God the center of your marriage & both of you will be blessed. take care friend...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
I don't think it would be right to have your parents shoulder all your wedding expenses just because it is their idea to have a church wedding. Your husband and his family should help out, too. It is his responsibility to make sure the wedding will go out fine, whether he likes it or not. When I got married, I shouldered most of the expenses, too. My husband did not help me because he had nothing to offer financially that time. My parents helped the best they could though I didn't want them, too. I also got pregnant before I got married, but I lost the baby. The wedding was halfly planned, and I was the one who shouldered the expenses. I had to borrow money from friends, without my parents knowledge. It is not just your wedding, it is also your husband's. I strongly believe that he should help out even a little. You should not have shouldered the expenses yourself, worse, let your parents do it.
1 person likes this
@AnnaB87 (761)
• United States
21 Feb 07
I think it may have been better to wait until after the baby got here, but what is done is done, Anyway is there anyway you can have the cater bill you and then make payments? If you can do that that may help relieve some stress, for you, Your baby does not need you stressed out, Then if you are working or plan to continue working after the baby comes just try to be as frugal as possible and save all you can add anything you can back you your savings as you can. Also don't keep secrets from your husband it will cause problems down the road, I am not saying go tell him now, but maybe sometime before he finds out?? Also do as many things as you can for pay so that by the time he finds out you will have replaced the money. There are many places online you can write for, if you do crafts make and sell things, save any thing you can, stay away from stores as much as possible. How long is it before your baby comes? If you have a little time, buy things at thrift stores for your baby things like sleepers and undershirts, even cribsheets and baby blankets, think about buying cloth diapers if you have a washer and dryer, and buy several large boxes of diapers, buy one or two boxes of the smaller newborn size then buy several of the larger sizes, too big diapers is a lot better than too small. Also you can make your own cloth babywipes, and make and freeze meals for later when it is time for the baby, anything you do that can save money is wise, and telling the truth is generally very wise, but you may want to pick a less stressful time so that you don't have more stress added to your life. HTHS
• United States
21 Feb 07
HA! how funny!! we got married on the same day! me and my husband got married Dec. 30th '06 too! at least your wedding wasnt bad! me my husband and my wedding party were all late! the food wasnt cooked, and our DJ bailed on us at the last minute. it was so bad. not to say we didnt get to dance, thanks to our DJ, and my mother in law came up to us and instead on saying Congrats she yelled at her son (my husband), for the food not being ready. alot of people left after the cermony. we didnt get all the decor. put up or anything. it was just really bad. i cried. and it wasnt happy tears eaither. but me and my husband are saving money to renew our vows, and i am going to make sure that runs more smoothly. we saved money by cooking our own food and only catering half of it. maybe you should try that. or if your parents are really wanting you to get married now they should help a little more or just tell them that you need more time to save and the wedding will be postponed, and if they dont like it then they can pitch in more money. but try not to stress to much, good luck and congrats on the wedding and the new baby!!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
why you did not tell your mother that you and your husband have no enough money for church wedding? you should have told them that in the first place. now you are caught in between.and that made it worst because you suffered emotionally and your baby inside is affected too. i don't know what to say, i feel sorry for you... but before it's too late, tell your husband about it, and i know he will understand, he is your partner, for better or for worse... good day happy wedding...
• United States
21 Feb 07
Take a deep breath and relax. Honestly if this is not what you want then don't do it. You might lose some money by backing out now but is money more important than your sanity? Tell your parents that you don't want this and just make it into a party if you can't call it off. It's your life and ultimatley your descision.
1 person likes this
• Canada
21 Feb 07
I'm sorry that you got pushed into this. Wanting to keep your parents happy and obeying them is natural. However, you really need to tell your husband about the money issue, because if he finds out any other way, he really won't be happy with you. Maybe it might be an idea to ask your parents to give you the money that you paid from your savings. After all, they were going to shoulder the cost right? This is not about whether you made the right or wrong choice. This is about talking to your husband and your family and finding a way through. When you have financial problems, there needs to be a discussion between those involved. That means talking to your parents and your husband. Good Luck with the Wedding and congrats on the baby news.
1 person likes this
@Monkeymia (206)
• Australia
21 Feb 07
In my opinion, yo are your husband are married. You get married the way you want, not to please your family, if they want yto see you walk down the aisle, they have to pay. I might sound hard but why should you have to foot the bill for something that thy want... not to mention that you have gone against your husband and lied to him. I would recommend you tell your husband and tell your parents that they have to pay the full amount. I am not having a go at you but if my parents weren't happy eiht the way I got married (or wanted to get married), I would tell them to pay for the changes. If you are happy with the civil wedding, why should you have to now pay for another wedding. Hope you can see my point of view.
• Australia
21 Feb 07
Sorry, that first line should say you and your husnabd are married.
@clod0327 (817)
• Philippines
22 Feb 07
Wedding preparations is as stressful as it is (I know it because I have prepared for my own wedding before), add the fact that you have a lot of other things to think about. It's good of you that you obeyed your mom. Because if I were in your position, I would do the same thing. I wouldn't want to dissapoint her again. But I think, you should tell your husband the truth. It's not good that you start your married life with lies. If he truly loves you, he will understand you and your family. And besides, the money you're asking for is for the caterer. It's one of the major requirement needed for the wedding reception and not just any expensive add ons that other brides put for their wedding. You also have to consider that your pregnant and you should think for the welfare of your baby because all this stress you're experiencing is not good for the baby. So, I think you really have to tell your husband about it. It will give you peace of mind and who know, he migth help you with the burden you're carrying. Hope everything will turn out well for you and your baby.
@jammyt (2824)
• Philippines
22 Feb 07
Word of advice, let your husband know.. NEVER keep anything from each other, specially if its something that will affect both of you. I can see you are also from the Philippines. I think it was right for you to be practical. I think you should also talk to your parents about your problem. It's good that you married each other civilly, at least the child is legitimate. Dont wait for the problem to hit you in the face on the day of your wedding and ruin the day. Besides, the baby inside you feels all the tension and depression you are feeling. Lay all your cards out on the table. Don't handle the problem alone, you'll never get to solve it in time. Goodluck and congratulations for the wedding and the baby.