Am I in love? Or am I breaking my heart over nothing...?
February 21, 2007 7:36am CST
I was with my boyfriend for almost two years, with nearly 2 more years of very close friendship before that. In 2006 we suffered some personal tragedies with the murder of his close friend, the accidental death of a childhood friend, the finalization of his parents divorce, and the death of his grandmother. Emotionally he's had a hard time dealing with all of these things--understandably--and I've always done everything that I could to stand by him and be there for him. Recently our discussions had begun turning more and more to the fact that he wasn't taking care of me like he should have, and that he wasn't able to put into the relationship as much as it required. Two weeks ago we finally agreed to separate, mutually, and without any badwill (we still celebrated Valentine's Day together). Since then, I've been reflecting a lot on our relationship and on myself. I came to the conclusion that I'm no longer in love with him, although I still care for him deeply. I tried to explain this to him last week, but couldn't find a gentle way of saying it. Last night I blurted out, "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" in response to his asking me why we were acting so strangely together...I cried when I told him, I cried when I saw him cry (I'm one of only three things that have ever made him cry), and I cried all the way home and falling asleep. I've been crying all morning, and everytime I think of him, I cry, thinking about the amazing friendship and love that I'm losing...Am I in love? Am I making a mistake? Hurting him was the last thing that I've ever wanted to do, and now that I have...I'm a mess...Am I doing the right thing? I can't think clearly...
• United States
21 Feb 07
I think that neither one of you knows. I think he is depressed and you are waiting for him to come out of it and become the person you want. I think you may be waiting in vain. I think you need to try to work this out without so much pressure. I think you will chase him away needlessly if you keep it up this way. Now he needs a friend and you can be it. Forcing a relationship when he is vulnerable would be a big misteak. You need to give time or break it off completely. Only you know the value of waiting. Good Luck and God Bless!!
• United States
21 Feb 07
Thank you so much for your response...We talked a very little bit last night after I opened my stupid mouth, but one of the things that we know is that we can't still be friends like we were. I can't be the one supporting him anymore when I one of the reasons that he needs someone to lean on...I've been thinking so much today (slow day at work made for lots of think time), and I've decided that I'm going to write out a letter as if I were going to give it to him, outlining why I think I feel the way that I do, and then see what I've written down. If it turns out that I've made a mistake...I'll give him the letter and hope that he'll forgive me for breaking his heart. There was a time when I would have married this man, this wasn't just some fling...I really loved him, and it's so hard to walk away from that and understand or see anything clearly. Thanks again.
22 Feb 07
feel your heart, hear what it says to you. yes, LOve and being in love is totally a big different. love is a universal feeling you can give to anyone who cares for you, being in love is a feeling for the ONLY person who completes you. i know it hurts to break up with him, to spill those words that would hurt the person you still continue to love, but you shoud weigh things about this. Just an advice to you, dont think that if you cried for him it doesnt mean there is still a love that is like before, sometimes tears is a sign that you've done the right thing its just that its hard to let go because of the memories.