Trust: is it FREE, or does it have to be EARNED?
By Denmarkguy
@Denmarkguy (1845)
United States
February 22, 2007 10:21am CST
This morning I was reading an email from a friend, and got to thinking about the way we TRUST people.
I think most would agree that trust is very important. However, I frequently run into the debate over whether trust is something that should be FREE, or whether you have to EARN it.
I suppose there are probably many opinions about this. Personally, I can't see the "free vs. earned" question as an either-or situation. I believe everyone to be trustworthy at the moment I meet them-- that level of trust is FREE. But then it almost works like a "bank account." People either "deposit" in the trust account when they confirm their trustworthiness, or they "withdraw" from it if they do something showing me they are UN-trustworthy.
How do YOU think about trust? Should it be free, or earned? Does someone have to SHOW you they are trustworthy before you trust them, or do you trust them from day one? Do you find that your past experiences affect your trust level, even when the current situation is in no way connected to the past situation that caused a lack of trust?
I look forward to hearing other opinions on this!
14 people like this
87 responses
@coolcager (496)
• Costa Rica
22 Feb 07
need to be Earned . how can you trust somebody who just talked to you and you can lend him a 100$. and he will return it. no way.
2 people like this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Yes, way.
Let me share a brief story. A couple of years ago I found myself stranded in Amsterdam, after the flight I was on back to the US had mechanical troubles. The airline put everyone up at a hotel. They paid for the hotel room... BUT... everyone had to leave a credit card as a security deposit. Alternately a $100 cash security deposit could be left.
As I stood in line with dozens of other people to be assigned a room, I noticed a young fellow looking rather anxious... he'd been to a skateboarding tournament in India, had no credit card, and only $15 left. Behind me, a young military wife, also with no credit card, and not enough cash. So I gave them each $100 for their security deposit, so they'd have a place to sleep. It was the "right thing" to do, even though it was almost ALL the money I had on me.
In the morning, they both gave me back the money. It never even crossed my mind that they wouldn't pay me back... until someone else pointed it out to me. Either I must be very naive, or I just believe in a "Good Universe."
2 people like this
@nelltx (277)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I normally trust everyone that I meet initally. That is, until they give me reason not to. Then, if they want my trust back, they have to earn it. So, to answer your question, I think trust is both free & earned. We give it freely at first to everyone, waiters, clerks, dr.'s, nurses, children & friends, but then, if the trust is broken for whatever reason, it has to be earned back. There are some people that I know that I would trust with my deepest darkest secret, but not money & vice-versa. We may all be a bit suspect of our fellow humans in the trust department, but I think there is always some level of trust there.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
I can appreciate taking certain reasonable precautions... I just like to give people a "blank slate" when I first meet them, since we have no "history" at that point. Applying my history with a different person to someone I just met doesn't seem fair, somehow.
1 person likes this
@dreamingmyth (594)
• United States
22 Feb 07
well i have to say i really like your analogy with the bank! i agree with you.. trust is given freely at first (or at least a certain amount of it), after that i think its up to the person to either earn more or lose some! giving complete trust for 'free' is probably not the best idea one can do. and not giving at all until someone has earned it well i cant see that working out too well either!
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
A time for everything, I suppose. I just find that I feel better about life if I don't start off with "suspicions" towards every new person I meet.
2 people like this
@Neo_Knights (1882)
• Indonesia
22 Feb 07
I think Trust should be free.
If you think that you should earned then you must be pretending that you are trustworthy, and it can make you a trouble in the future.
But if you are really trustworthy I think your mind will never thought that you must be show off.
2 people like this
@lauriefnp (5111)
• United States
23 Feb 07
I view trust in way similar to you. I am pretty neutral about trust when I first meet someone; I neither trust or distrust them, which leans towards tending to have some basic trust. I don't believe that you can distrust someone right from the start and expect to build any kind of relationship with them; that would be like "guilty until proven innocent" rather than the other way around. As a relationship grows, trust really needs to be earned. I don't think that there is any way around that. I don't blindly trust anybody without them earning it- that seems to be setting yourself up for hurt and trouble. I also expect that I have to earn the trust of others, so it's definitely a 2-way street. We've all had problems with betrayal of trust in the past, but I try really hard not to make a person pay for someone else's mistakes and baggage; each relationship is unique and needs to be treated as such. Once trust is betrayed, I find it difficult, if not impossible, to rebuild it. I hate lying and cheating, and I don't forgive these things, other than a little white lie to spare feelings, etc.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Mar 07
This is the "key" for me, in the entire discussion about trust. My inner sense of values and "what is right" dictates that I cannot hold the next person I meet "responsible" for what someone else has done.
The most obvious place I run into this-- and it annoys the HECK out of me-- is in relationships, where someone "transfers" all their former husband/partner's "negative traits" onto ME... even though I have NOTHING to do with that person. I am NOT a "liar" or a "drunk" because someone's ex was that. Similarly with friendships, or jobs, or other situations that require trust. If someone comes to my business to apply for the manager position, is it "fair" that I am woried about them stealing, just because the FORMER manager was a thief?
There is such a thing as "common sense" and then there is "mistrust." In the "manager" example, it's reasonable for me to take steps that make it harder to steal... BUT it's not reasonable to treat the new manager as another thief.
@WebMann (4731)
• Canada
23 Feb 07
I would say that people have to earn my trust. There are different levels of trust and people move up the trust ladder as they prove they are worth trusting.
Anyone who trusts others immediately upon meeting them and without limit are few and far between, plus I think they are maybe a little off balance or they have nothing to lose. :)
I have learned through more than 50 years of experience that most people are not as honest as they claim.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Mar 07
I can certainly appreciate your perspective.
Maya Angelou once wrote: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." Maybe I'm naive, but I like to offer people the chance (at least) to "show me who they are."
@jeweledbluerose (3061)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Once upon a time I use to trust everyone, until one day I was snapped back into reality, with such force that it hurt 10 times worse than the hardest smack to the face. Seriously though I have been screwed over many times by people I thought were my friends, that it is hard for me to trust anyone at first glance anymore. People have to earn my trust these days. Some may say that is sad, to me it's just a part of life. Life can be just as cruel, as it is beautiful.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Mar 07
Indeed, life can be noth cruel and beautiful.
Everyone responds differently to the events in my life. I personally believe that the next person deserves an "equal chance," even if the previous person was not trustworthy. This is (of course!) easier to "say" intellectually, than to actually "feel" when you are doing it.
@ronita34 (3922)
• Canada
24 Feb 07
I love this discussion because to me trust is a very big deal for me! However, I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt when we first meet but i have my own little ways of finding out for myself afterwards. I agree with you that trust is definately like a bank account and we can all deposit or withdrawal and it is up to us how we earn or lose this! I am a great judge of character though and even if i do not trust someone i will still talk to them and at least tolerate them but just be more careful around such people! Life is too short to hate or to dwell in the past but i think that trust is there from the beginning with me anyway and it is up to the person whether they think they should keep it or not but i always know and i am thankful for that!
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
3 Mar 07
Thanks for adding that!
Your comment reminds me that we often attract exactly what we focus on. So when we meet new people and attach our past negative experiences to them, we GET more negative experiences in the trust department. That's why it's so important to not dwell in the past.
@jellybean80 (244)
•
23 Feb 07
I think that anyone who 100% trusts everyone they meet 100% is one of two things - either extremely naive, or, more likely in my opinion, lying to themselves! I don't meet intentionally or doing anything wrong in what they say, wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we really could all trust each other all of the time!
I really like your bank account analogy! I suppose I see trust in a similar way, though I think the opening credit is fairly low in some respects, I think that people have to earn the vast majority of the trust you can give them. That doesn't mean that I'd think badly of anyone I had only just met, unless they gave me reason to, but I wouldn't be inclined to confide in them either.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Mar 07
Interesting point about the "account." Perhaps it is true, then, that the "balance" we are willing to put in the trust account with someone depends on our past experiences.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
23 Feb 07
I love your bank account analogy. I work pretty much the way you described. I trust everyone I meet. If they never lie to me, never cheat me, etc. that trust just keeps growing. If they wrong me, then they have to start all over from scratch. I think it fits with that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." That is pretty much how I look at relationships with others in general.
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
That saying generally holds very true for me, as well. However, I have an (unfortunate?) tendency to allow people to "re-start" from scratch more times than I probably should...
@marief2rnurse (2704)
• United States
23 Feb 07
When it comes to friendship, trust has to be earned in time. When it comes to love, it is free. And once it's broken or damaged is hard to get back. Just how I feel about trust.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Mar 07
That's an interesting distinction, between trust-in-friendship and trust-in-love. I hadn't thought about that particular angle.
@aiza_18 (5)
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
For me, trust isn't free, but should be earned..For me to trust one person, i should look into this person that he is really worth of my trust..Nowadays, we can really never easily give our trust to anyone..Most of us nowadays are betrayed because of trusting the person that we did not know that much..We should first know deeper the person that we should give in our trust..If we see that this person is sincere, faithful, and true to us, then we could give our trust..
For me, someone have to show me that he is trustworthy before I trust them..I do not easily give it on day one or so..
Past experiences truly affect the trust level of one person . If one person was betrayed by one, for sure, it will be difficult for him to give it again..
1 person likes this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
1 Mar 07
Your comment illustrates the interesting duality that surrounds this topic. You can either trust someone until they "prove" themselves not trustworthy (or not), or you can mistrust them and allow them to "prove" that they ARE trustworthy.
I believe we tend to "attract what we focus on." By giving people trust from the start, my experience has been that most people have been trustworthy. I also know a friend of mine who is suspicious of all people... he tends to attract people he cannot trust.
@sunita64 (6469)
• India
22 Feb 07
Initially I feel you trust in good will, but when the same person does actions which are not trustworthy then he /she loses trustworthiness.But everytime I meet a new person my first instinct is to trust everyone. Later it depends on their conduct.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Yes, you start from "point zero" or with a "clean slate."
@luzamper (1357)
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
It depends upon the intensity of the trust. We have to trust people. We can't live without trusting people. But it all depends upon to what extent should we trust them. We have to trust those whom we meet in every place; otherwise, how should we evade people? Then we have to trust new acquaintances for how could become friends to them? Then our friends, we have to trust them for then they would not be our friends. But if you have trusted a friend and you found out that he is not trustworthy, then don't trust him anymore if you so desire and stay away from him. Even the Lord Jesus was betrayed by a friend. It's a very painful experience to be betrayed by a friend. For this discussion, I would say that trust is generally free but has to be earned to become trustworthy to others, either to a friend, relative, spouse, or people close to you.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Thanks for the comment! You touch on a new area here; that maybe we give trust for "free," but we have to "earn" someone else's trust. I have to think about that for a bit, as I wonder if that's an "equal equation."
@manong05 (5027)
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
There are somethings that we are left with no other option but to trust where it's neither free nor earned. When we ride an airplane we just have to trust the pilot that he will take us to our destination safe. The same way with going under the knife. We just have to trust the doctor that he knows what he is doing and doesn't leave a scalpel inside our body after closing the cut made. There's no point checking the pilot's license and the surgeon's credential. We just have to trust.
There are cases when trust must be earned. When we plan to go out of town, not any friend can babysit the house for us while we are away. We just can't trust everybody, people who can do it are people who earned our trust. In cases like this trust doesn't grow overnight. It takes time for it to develop.
That being said, it doesn't mean that not trusting people around us is to become suspicious of everybody and
everything. It's just being realistic. When we trust a person we are making ourselves vulnerable and we can be hurt anytime so trust must be earned.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
That's a good point... sometimes trust is more a matter of choice, and sometimes we have no option but to just go with the flow, like with the airplane or surgeon.
@Limey73 (161)
• Canada
23 Feb 07
I tend to take people at face value, so if I sense that I trust them on day one, then I'll go with that feeling - which means I give almost everyone my trust freely at first, without really thinking about it.........
But if they deliberately break that trust, then I put them in "overdraft" straight away, and it's difficult for them to earn my trust back, if ever.
To me it goes hand-in-hand with respect - I give it automatically to start, but if it is lost, THEN it has to be earned back.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Your comment reminds me of just how much we start trust as a mostly "intuitive" response, but as we go down the road a bit with someone, we start to factor in logical and experiential feedback, as well.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
23 Feb 07
I agree with you.
Trust is free at first. There is no reason to go through life thinking the worse of others. However, as keep walking on the path of life some experiences confront us with the fact that people sometimes betray our trust, consciously or unconsciously. That can change our way we trust people. Personally i trust people, but not blindly. I always leave a small blank space that reminds me that we all are human - with all that this implies.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
"A small blank space," I like that. Indeed, we are all human...
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
I tend to trust people. I have no reason not to - especially if I don't know them well.
However, if they abuse that trust, then it most definitely has to be earned back. They can't do something that might hurt me, and then expect me to forgive them and pick up where we left off.
I have had a few past experiences that have affected my trust level to a certain degree. I do try not to let that affect me in my day to day life, but sometimes it's hard.
I find I'm a lot more trusting than I used to be and that's a good sign. It means I'm healing from past hurtful experiences, releasing them and moving on.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Feb 07
You're right, sometimes it IS hard. It's in our nature, to let experience guide our future. Sometimes it takes a lot of "inner persuasion" to believe that just because (metaphorically speaking) it has rained for five days in a row doesn't mean that it "always" rains, nor that it will rain tomorrow.
