I'm angry...and a little hurt. A financial problem.

@foxyfire33 (10017)
United States
February 24, 2007 12:06am CST
I was talking to my b/f of 6 years (I hate calling him a b/f since we're adults with 3 children together but don't have another appropriate title). I told him about myLot and how I wasn't going to get rich with it but would be able to buy myself a little treat once in awhile. He started telling me what he was spending our income tax return money on. Now in a sense it is all his money since I don't work but I think he should still split it with me since out of the 9 total deductions he has including himself, one is me, two are MY children from my first marriage and 3 others are our children together which he obviously wouldn't have without me. So we got a large amount of money back this year and he was telling me how he's already invested $1000 in stocks and plans to spend at least another $1000 on a new race car. He also wants to buy a cheap little car to drive to work instead of fixing mine that I've been begging to have fixed. The list went on and on about what he wanted to buy. I innocently asked what I could buy. He said well you can buy whatever you want with YOUR money. We have several thousand in the bank that he won't let me touch because it's his he says. He can spend thousands and all I get is what little I'll make on here. Is this fair, am I wrong that he should split the money with me a little at least? I just don't understand how he can be that way, it's not like I wanted a lot. I was just hoping for a couple hundred at the most. Any thoughts or opinions or advice?
22 people like this
53 responses
• United States
24 Feb 07
He's not being fair at all! You do deserve at least some of that money! He sounds very selfish, a lot like my husband actually. I'm sorry he's being like that towards you. Would it help if you told him that it doesn't make you feel appreciated when he denies you a portion of that money, or something along those lines? I know in my situation that my hubby is far too selfabsorbed to even begin to comprehend what I've been trying to get across to him, but maybe your man isn't too far gone into his own needs yet. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but what I'm trying to convey is that maybe if you'd talk with him about how he makes you feel when he denies you without putting any "blame" on him, maybe he could at least attempt to listen and respond in a positive manner. Good luck lady! Best wishes! :)
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
24 Feb 07
You made perfect sense. I think he's about the same as your husband. In his mind if he spends the money on these things now he COULD get a bigger return down the road and reward me then. In theory this makes sense but I've been with him for six years and am still waiting for all his plans to work out. I think I might make a list of what I'd like and give it to him to read. Then maybe he'll have time to think about it before he reacts.
3 people like this
• Canada
24 Feb 07
I'm sorry but I do think your b/f is being just a tad selfish. How can he justify spending all that money on himself when there is you and 5 children to think about too? Does he think that the children should be earning their own money too so he doesn't have to spend what he sees as his money on them? I don't think that you're wrong to expect that he at least give you a LITTLE bit of money at the least. As a couple - a long term couple at that, he should start to be a little more giving and stop being so selfish.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
24 Feb 07
Actually there are 8 children altogether, his 2, my 3, and our 3. We claim all but one. He does get a bit put out about spending money on the older ones. He pays support to the mother of his two but his son lives with him. Just as an example his son needed new sneakers for school, I went ahead and ordered them because I thought it was important. He got mad about it and his son ended up having to pay us back most of the amount. For Christmas this year I got $80 to buy presents for my 3 and other family, that's it $80 total. He went on a spending spree for our 3 and easily spent over $100 each, he used a $50 gift card he got for his birthday to buy his son's present and gave his daughter $50 in cash. I didn't get anything from him. So he isn't entirely selfish about spending money on us, he just has odd priorities. He doesn't even think he's being selfish. He just thinks his money should only be spent on things he thinks are important and to him that isn't selfish. He says I'm selfish for expecting him to share and for wanting to spend his money on things I'd like.
@syndibee (799)
• United States
24 Feb 07
this just infuriates me. he is controling and completely inconsiderate. my advice...don't allow him to file joint next year. don't let him claim you or any of the children you birthed. then let him see how much of that money is HIS. i would actually rework the taxes on paper for him to see the figures without your contribution to the deductions. so what he would get back without u and the kids is his and what he gets back counting you guys minus his amount is yours. that is the fair way to figure what money is his, if he's going to be selfish like that. i say divorce him and let a judge decide what money is his, but i know i'm being extremist!!!
2 people like this
• India
24 Feb 07
come on..when you r in a relationship ypu have to compromise a bit.. may be he is being unreasonable..but that doesnt mean you have to cut him off.. try to talk with him.. if u cant talk with..wats the use of being in relationship..
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
24 Feb 07
Well I think leaving him might be a little extreme but believe me the thought's crossed my mind. I actually have reworked the numbers in the past. His arguement was that it'd be a waste for me to claim us since I have no income and the refund comes from money he worked for so it belongs to him no matter who he claims. I say spending a total of 2 years 3 months pregnant and over 40 hours in labor total with our children, not to mention raising them, has earned me some kind of reward from him.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11651)
• United States
24 Feb 07
syndibee and foxyfire33 - Technically, he can claim all his own children living in his house. If he pushed the issue, he really can claim the other children also. The only way to prevent that is to not have them living under his roof. The regulations have changed in the last couple years on who can claim what children, it's not as arbitrary as it used to be.
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
24 Feb 07
Well I would put it quite bluntly to him as at the end of the Day what he gets for the Children is yours. I do not understand why he is being this awful to you. Who buys the food and that. Why can't he fix your Car? I honestly would not put up with this and if I where you I would start telling him, not asking, telling him. I just hate it when People are like that. You look after the Children, clean cook, wash and you get nothing. I always worked I was forced to due to my Ex Husband and I brought up 2 Kids and looked after the House but I still never had my own money as it went on Bills and his Social Life. But it sounds like your Man is doing well and you are able to stay at home with the Kids, but you are also entitled what he gets for the Kids as that is your Money. Please try and talk to him about it. I do hope that you will be able to get that through to him.
2 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
24 Feb 07
He pays for all of the food and what-not, so in that sense I am being provided for. It's just the little extras like new pants (our youngest is only 3 1/2 months) or things to make the house nice that I really want. As for the car, I guess that didn't sound nice but it's not that bad. The car was bought for super cheap a year ago to get us by until we could find a new van. We ended up finding my van just a few weeks later. It's a model he likes and I hate. I kept driving the car unless I had more than 4 of the kids with me. Over the summer it developed a problem that isn't really a hard fix it's just something he doesn't like to do. He thinks it'd be a waste of his time to fix it and would rather just get another one. What he doesn't get is that the car got twice the gas mileage of the van and I LIKE the car...ok sorry for ranting about my car lol. What's most frustrating is that he had no problem paying his sister to babysit the older ones for me when I had the baby but doesn't want to give me any spending money.
3 people like this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
24 Feb 07
Well I think you deserve extras to and I think he is not being fair there at all, I would speak to him if I where you and basically tell him that you need some Money of your own. I really hope you can come to anm agreement on this as you do deserve to make the House nice and get yourself some tings for yourself to.
1 person likes this
@simplysue (631)
• United States
27 Feb 07
Start billing him for maid services and child care services. For a family of seven that would probly run about $800 a week at least ;)
2 people like this
• United States
27 Feb 07
p.s. If he doesn't wish to acknowledge that you earn your keep by taking care of all that you take care of....go on strike so he can see exactly what happens to his household when you don't do all that you do for your family and for him.
2 people like this
@Tamest (25)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I was in a relationship somewhat to yours. Difference is that I was actually married to the selfish guy. He was an over the road truck driver making about $800 a week. Good money if you ask me. I didn't work and had a little one at home with special needs. After 2 years of not getting one ounce of our tax return and only $200 of that $800 to pay the mortgage, lights, gas, phone, gas for the car, clothes and food. I went back to work. Needless to say the relationship only lasted another couple of years and now he is out of my children's lives forever, he doesn't want to have any thing to do with them. I have now taken a different turn in life to raise my children. I still have one with special needs, and one that is fine. I am now working at home taking inbound telemarketing calls. You can't get rich this way, but you can make decent money. Check out www.workplacelikehome.com for a list of all of the work at home employment opportunities. Maybe if you start making your own money he will come out of the selfish life he has encountered. I have one question though. You have been together for 6 years is your name on the checking account too? I don't think this has been asked yet.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
No my name isn't on the checking account. Or anything else for that matter. I was coming out of a divorce where my former in laws paid for a lawyer for my ex. I had no money and lost everything except the kids basically. So I came into this relationship with nothing and relied on him to get back on my feet (my youngest at the time was just a baby). I got myself into this in a sense and I want to get myself out of it. I think that's a lot of what is bothering me about this money. I know if I could get just enough for start up money I could start the home business I've been wanting to have and then I would have my own money and our relationship would be less stressful. If he still acted the same way about other things then, I'd be able to leave.
1 person likes this
@Tamest (25)
• United States
26 Feb 07
foxyfire It would take much to do what I'm doing, all you need is either DSL or Cable Modem and a seperate phone line. Please check out that website, there are tons of jobs there that you could work while he's at work and while the kids are at school. Get a neighbor that you trust to watch any of your kids that are too young to go to school.. Like I said you will not become rich but you could sock some money back to get out if that's what you want to do. Feel free to message me here and I will pass on more information on how to get started from home with little to no money!!
@Macthedj (631)
25 Feb 07
I see that you are unsure of what to call him because you have been together so long but not married, well I am quite sure your fellow friends here at mylot can think of a few names for him. The best i can think of you calling him would be SINGLE! Get shot of the greedy swine, he will be the poor one in the end.
1 person likes this
@albert2412 (1782)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Tell him you want part of the money. You have earned it taking care of the kids, cooking, washing, cleaning, etc. It is only fair that you not get left out. Your labors have value.
@pennycan2 (251)
• United States
24 Feb 07
what you should do is calculate the work that you do around the house including raising his children and running errands and send him the bill. let him know that this is what he owes you for the work that you do to keep up the house. if he had to hire a maid it would be the same. I wouldn't put up with this. He is piggheaded and completely selfish.
1 person likes this
@mfpsassy (2827)
• United States
24 Feb 07
Knock him in the head if I'm right your family enjoys racing cut him off tell him no more if he can't grow up take his toys away just like you would a child stop letting him claim your kids which means no more claiming head of household (since your not marreid) this also reduces the child tax credit and the EIC if he qualifies make him start taking care of his kids and cleaning up after them when he is home start charging him cash for caring for his kids and the house sounds harsh but he's gotten a little to comfy with the way things are he needs a reminder of how they should be
@ronita34 (3923)
• Canada
25 Feb 07
I think that you need to have a talk with your husband as it seems to me as this is not fair at all and that you work hard enough to raise the kids. How about you tell him if he does not agree that you are going to go and get your own job and that he needs to find and pay for a babysitter a it seems that this is all that you are to him is a live in nanny! You should have all access to his money as you have his children and you are his wife and that is that! If you two were to get a divorce half is yours honey so do not let him do this to you. What is his problem anyway? He does not sound like the best husband and yu two should really talk!
@ronita34 (3923)
• Canada
25 Feb 07
Oh by the way the reason that i stated Husband is because he is your common law so he is as good as a husband. If you and a man have been living under the same roof for over 1 year in fact than you as a woman are still ebtitled to half of his money regardless of being married or not!
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Common law marriages are not recognized in our state so I don't have any of the rights of a wife. In fact he could take everything he's purchased, from me and leave me with nothing and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.
• United States
24 Feb 07
Hi FoxyFire33, I dont understand what your husbands problem is. Yes, I said husband (some states in the US would consider you common law married by now). My "girlfriend" and I have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids together. I do not work because of medical reasons but the money she brings home is "our" money. It goes to both our bills, food, and children. Her money also buys us things that both of us want. I do bring in some income on some work at home jobs that I do, most of it goes back into business stuff but some of it comes to us for things we both want. As a couple, there shouldnt be a "his" and "hers". A family car is needed or you should have 2 seperate good running cars. You never know when an emergency is going to happen with your kids or something. Both you and your husband need reliable transportation. I understand tax time and how fun it is to blow your money on things that you want and desire but with a family as big as yours, your husband needs to think more about what is needed for the family. Maybe he could do his investment, his cheap little car, and get his "race car", but still do the things needed like fix your car instead of other things. This way, he gets some of the things he wants and desires but is also being a good, responsible, "husband" and "father" to his family.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
24 Feb 07
As I just responded to another answer, our state doesn't recognize common law marriage any more unfortunately. We do both have a running vehicle. He has a truck, I have a van. He wants a little car to drive to work to save on gas. I already have a little car that just needs some minor repair work. He doesn't want to waste his time (probably an afternoon) to fix my car and would rather buy another one which I just really think is stupid. The problem is he thinks NEEDS should come before WANTS. Of course that's true only we have different priorities on what is a need and what is a want. To him his list is all needs and my list is all wants. He truly believe he is being responsible, that's what makes all of this so difficult.
• United States
25 Feb 07
If he truly believes he is being responsible and a good father, then let him read my above reply to you. I'd be interested in hearing what he has to say.
@Transformed (1262)
• United States
25 Feb 07
If he's been your boyfriend of six years and you guys have children together and live together, that's what we call a common law marriage. You should not ask, not hope, not wish for, but demand an equal say in the money. You all are together as one, and he should not have the audacity to spend thousands of dollars a month while you spend what the $20-30 you'll get from MyLot? That's ridiculous. At least demand 50%.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Common law marriages aren't recognized in our state so I don't have the same rights as a wife. He doesn't normally spend thousands every month. This is just the tax refund money that he's spending and not sharing right now.
• United States
25 Feb 07
I'm doing mylot for Runescape dollers, if all goes according to plan, I will have members by next month.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Well that has nothing to do with this discussion but good for you I guess.
• United States
25 Feb 07
I'm sorry that you have to go through that. I know it's hard because you can't leave either-and he knows that. I treid to pm you, but couldn't. So here's my way to help you. I'm a mom of 7. I know how you feel, I have two non bios and my ex has a screwed up wayof thinking too. I can write a book about all the crazy stuff he's done to us. This is why I earn all my money online. I use free sites like mylot. Here's the link: http://www.freewebs.com/4wahms/ Read it carefully. Don't rush. Like I said I earn a full time income online. Feel free to pm me. Good luck.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I feel better knowing I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing the information. I give it a look. I've never used the pm on this site so I'm not sure what the problem was.
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
25 Feb 07
I have to add my voice of agreement on this one. It seems that all you want the money for is to make the house nice and buy your 3.5 month old new pants - thats not a treat for you! This is money for the family. Whereas he is buying new car and stocks/shares. He is spending it on he fancies. I think it is grossly unfair and inappropriate. He does not value your work in the home - if he had to pay someone to cook, clean, take care of kids how much would this cost? Don't let him away with this behavior as it will escalate into more serious issues. Good luck!
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Actually just to clarify, the pants are for me so it would be my treat. I was just refering to the baby to explain why I needed them, He's only 3 1/2 months so my old pants are still too small but my pregnancy ones are too big. Even though things for the house are going to benefit the whole family, I see this as my treat too since it'll also make my job easier to have nicer things. I know it's not much of a treat but I thought it'd be better than nothing.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Feb 07
I would tell him to keep the money..leave and file for child support and take him for everything he has and dont have. A race car? I am appauled that he doesnt want to fix your car that you need to transport HIS children. Just seeing that he didnt include you or your kids in his plans and not to mention the fact that he is a bf of 6 years...with 3 children? He is a loser,and you could have better,
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I already explained the car situation a few times but still have to agree it should be a bigger priority.
@quatelmon (957)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Well, the problem here is that he is right, and you are right. He did make the money to get the return in the first place, and you are part of the reason he got a return. My advice to you would be to get a job, and not let him touch a penny. If he wants to spend all of his money on things he wants, than let him, as long as you get to do the same with your money (once you have a decent job) You should really also consider, once you have a job, splitting bills percentage wise. That is, take a percentage out of what you make, and of what he makes to pay the bills. The only real way to solve this problem is for you to get a job, as well. I'm not sure how old your children are, but even if you got a job at the school (my mom was a lunch monitor to start with, so she was still home when we were home) you'd have enough money to make yourself happy, and to get him to shut up. Show him you can buy what you need, and don't need his money. You sound like a strong, independant woman! There's going to be no way to win this fight unless you show him that you're above him and don't need it. Plus, the money he's putting into stocks IS for your future, as well as his.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I did work before our kids were born and the situation wasn't much better. All of the household bills came out of my check leaving him more money from his to pay with and leaving none for me out of mine. A job now isn't really practical since we have three children under school age. The youngest is just a baby. For his health since he was early, I'm nursing him exclusively at least through the winter months. I do see the stocks as being for our future. The only problem with that is that his original budget was $500, now he's up to $1000 and still researching others to buy. I'm worried that he's going to have too much tied up in stocks and not enough to cover our current expenses.
@thebestmom (1105)
• Philippines
24 Feb 07
How long have you been together? Why not try working? I have a sister in law who has the same situation as you. What she did was she worked as a tutor and now she's happy. She can now spend as she likes.
• United States
24 Feb 07
Your "boyfriend" is really ridiculous! You sound like you're way too nice and like you just take what he says, and what he says goes and that's not right! I'd be damned if by boyfriend ever tried some stuff like that on me! You need to let him know that half of that money is yours...legally, and if he doesn't like it, then it's too bad! You need to let him know that the only reason he's getting all this money back is because of you! You shouldn't be rude about it but at least be stern! So he'll know you're not messing around! I don't know if in your state "common law marriage" kicks in after 7 years (you're one year shy) but after 7 years you're married in the state's eyes. Since you're married in the state's eye then you're entitled (legally) 50% of everything! So if he tries this next year you should let him know this, but first find out if your state recognizes common law marriage before anything because if it doesn't then it's all pointless! Good luck and be strong and get that money!!
24 Feb 07
You deserve so much more! Ok so he provides financially; but, aren't you the glue that holds your family together? Isn't this a family unit? Being a full time Mum is a job itself, is it not? If you were to put a price on all you do as far as running the home, looking after children and the unreasonable boyfriend, I bet your weekly worth is much much more than his monthly income could ever add up to. You deserve some money for yourself. and, yes, you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to out up with such treatment.