What to do when you can't stand your future in laws

United States
February 25, 2007 5:45pm CST
I love my fiance but I don't love his family. His mother is constantly overbearing and needs/talks with him throughout the day. It seems like we can't have a moment in the home. His sister has a crappy marriage and allows her husband to treat her badly. He's always out with his friends so all she does is hang out with the mother and my fiance. She's older then me but acts and sounds just like a child. I really can't stand even looking at her. I'm going to be seeing them again in less then 2 weeks for a few weeks...does anyone have suggestions on how not to go nuts? I'm already cringing just thinking about it.
9 people like this
37 responses
@Shelite (212)
• Canada
25 Feb 07
It's so hard to like someone that you really don't like. But for your fiance's sake you really need to try to like them. How about some time alone with the MIL. Plan a you and her day out. I know this sounds so out there but really it'll make everything so much better. Plan a day out at a spa together or even just go shopping and lunch. She'll appreciate the effort you are making and you just never know...once away from your fiance she might get to know you and not the girl who's stealing her boy. Good luck!!!
2 people like this
• United States
26 Feb 07
I would try and take her out but she doesn't like shopping and she's preganant. She pretty much stays home all day long :(
@hartnsoul (558)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
Same boat here. Only I am already married. So imagine living with that. I can't relay much coz there are a lot of different instances where I was bummed. So i'll stick to suggestions on how to get by. First, have a heart to heart talk with your fiance and simply tell him how things make you feel. Please do not expect much from this so there will be no argument between you and your fiance. Remember, its not about you two. The more he knows the better you'll feel and the more he'll understand if you get upset or anything. NExt, bring a book about relationships. So if your fiance is occupied you're not staring in space talking to your imaginary friend. Last and most evil, have a migraine or a tummy ache. This way your fiance will really be forced to take care of you in the room. LOL. :)
• United States
26 Feb 07
LOL, well I was sick one time when I was at his family and he did stay in the room with me :D It would be a good idea to bring something with me to read instead of constant staring off into space. I had that situation before and it wasn't easy being that bored daily.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Feb 07
I can remember when I first met my in laws and really didnt care for them either. After we were married they tried to be so overbearing with my husband and I things did not go so well. He is the baby and the only boy so till this day she can treat him like a baby. After we had two kids and we had no money so we decided it was time to get away from the families and make a new life for ourselves away from them. We lived in Iowa and decided to move to florida and start over so we could make life right. We now have moved back to Iowa and have been married for 27 years and they don't say as much as they used too. All I can say is you have to grin and bear it cause if you fight it things do not go so well between you and your fiance. Life sure can through some rough turns onto you. Keep your chin up and it will be alright.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
That's exactly how I feel about his mother. He is her only son and is really overbearing. I want to make a life together away from his family and while we don't live near them, it seems like on the phone she tries to still have some control.
@buhawi (2)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
Whenever you will decide to marry him, do not live with your in-laws. What is important is the way you can manage to save your relationship. Do not be annoyed on their acts, just go along with them but do not say anything that will offend them. Remember, it will be you and your future husband who will raise your own family. Try to build your family and live from a distance so that when you will be seeing them, it will be more sweeter and enjoyable. You can assist them for their needs but only the excess from your own daily expenses. Again, only the excess from your expected savings. Just think of your future family.
1 person likes this
@Anakata2007 (1787)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
first of all, you are treading on dangerous ground here. You need to realize that if you marry your fiance you really are marrying his family too. the best way to deal with a family that you dislike is to avoid seeing them except when you absolutely have to, ie-Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. If you don't live in the same city, that's a plus. How does your fiance feel? Does he know you feel uncomfortable around his family? Is he very close to them?
1 person likes this
@baysmummy (1638)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
Everything you find yourself getting annoyed or angry at them just think of your fiance and how much his family mean to him. I am engaged to a wonderful man, his mother drives me bonkers and so does his brothers and sister inlaw and brother inlaw but his sister is the nicest person i have ever met, I think it sounds like they have a great relationship with their mother and that is prefectly fine i only wish i had a great relationship with my mother!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
If you love him so much that despite all these you will still be willing to have him for a husband, just make sure you will living far from them. This way, seeing them and having to deal with them shall become your choice. This is the only option you have other than scrapping the marriage out. You will have to talk about this with your man before you get married, though. He must be aware of your thoughts about his family and on how you plan to deal with it.
@7nicole1 (1634)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
Oh this is a good one. I hate my future in laws for a number of different reasons. These people are the rudest people I have ever met in my life. They talk nice to your face but when you turn around they are laughing and joking about you. They are also very selfish people so much so that they dont even buy my girlfriends kids presents at all and they dont even call on birthdays. I like my girlfriend I just cant believe she came from that family she must have been the black sheep of the family.
1 person likes this
25 Feb 07
I think you need to think about your fiance. If you are going to marry her, you are also marrying her family. If you can't cope with her family being around then I think that you need to consider whether you really want to be married enough.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Mar 07
It's your fiance that you'll be living with in the future anyway. I suggest you let your fiancee know about what you think about his family and what you feel when they are around in a very, very nice way. If he loves you truly, i'm sure he'll understand. It is good when you're open to each other to avoid misunderstanding in the future. Show them your respect though, despite the fact that you don't like them. Never forget that, because they are your fiancee's family. If it's not for them, you wouldn't have met your fiancee. Maybe what you can do to just get over them, one way, is to discover some interests that you all enjoy and stick to that or spend more time on that. Say, if you all like playing video games or watching movies then go ahead and entertain them with good movies that you all can share. If you really still can't stand to mingle with them all the time, then maybe keep yourself busy with other things.
• United States
10 Mar 07
I let him know and he says he understands. I figured lying would just result in a big blow up later on.
@Sasselle (698)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
*huggles* I think you'll find most people don't get along with the in-laws ... I had to live with mine for 9 months while my house was being built and it was utter hell on earth and I would die if i had to do it again. The best advice i can give is - at least you know that you'll be able to leave! I always find that if I make a scene then it's me who is in the bad moods - but if i force myself to at least be civil then if they carry on it's not my fault. Also - does your fiance know how you feel about this? It may be worthwhile letting him know as he might not realise. I'm not saying that he should chose between you and his family but if he realises that you are uncomfortable he might be more supportive of you when you have to visit. Good luck!!
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
You remind me of my best friend. She lived with her inlaws for 1 year and she swears she'll never ever live their again. She told me she would divorce her husband if he ever forces her again to leave with her inlaws :)
@mgmagana (3621)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I did not like my in laws when I got into the relationship with my husband, but it's him I'm in the relationship with not his parents. My husband learned to tell them to but out of our business. I just deal with them. Once I went so psycho, i had to talk to a psychologist about it! His mom drives me nuts, but i just deal with her and know that. Just think at least you don't have to live with her, mine has been living with us for almost 5 yrs. now!
• United States
26 Feb 07
lol wow that sucks, im sorry about that i cant say that i have ever had any of my ex gf family that sucked, or bothered me.. i mean when ever i run into my ex's they always tell me how there parents ask for me lol, but if i was in your situation i would just take a good book and just go into a room and read my heart away or something that keeps you busy.
@crickethear (1420)
• United States
26 Feb 07
Sounds like you have a Marie Baron for a mother in law, and that you have my sister in law. Fun. Move as far as away as you can. LOL
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
26 Feb 07
I have a similar situation. I've actually got a big enough problem with my partner's family that I don't go to his house anymore- ever. In fact, at present, if his father keeps behaving the way he is now, he's not invited to our wedding and he won't be allowed to see his grandchildren. It's that bad. The important thing to keep in mind is, you don't have to like them. You don't even have to think they're human. But, if you're going to spend any amount of time around them, you do have to be civil. My grandmother gives some pretty sage advice for dealing with family members you can't stand; treat them like strangers. If you're forced to interact with a stranger, you usually treat them politely, you don't do anything offensive, and you don't get personal with them. You just give them common courtesy, and that's it. Same thing with these people you don't like being around. Just afford them the same courtesy you'd give to a stranger. Hi, how are you, thanks, you're welcome, goodbye.
• United States
26 Feb 07
Hi Dreamer, You know what they say, when you marry a man, you marry his family. That is so true. I am very fortunate that mine adore me. If they don't or they make life miserable, you will be spending your life like that. He will always be connected to them. Their problems will always be connected to you. Make sure their problems and the way they deal with them and solve them is appropriate for you. If it isn't, you will be miserable. Talk to your fiance first and tell him how you feel about this. Then make your decision. Remember there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe God has someone better for you. Kimberly
• United States
26 Feb 07
i used to feel the same way about my husbands family.. i just learned to bear with it.. smile.. and deal.. think about it like i did.. im just visiting for a few.. i get to go home when its all over..
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
One of the realities of marriage is that he becomes part of your family, so do you become part of his family. You'll just have to accept them. That's just the way they are. You don't have to like them nor do you have to pretend to like them. Just respect them. That's the most important thing and who knows, maybe some day you might see some good qualities in them. Good luck.
• United States
26 Feb 07
Well, the important thing, is your relationship with your future hubby. If, you guys are a strong couple, that will not let them get between you, then, that is the important thing. So, before you worry about the annoying inlaws, be sure that you and your fiance are committed to each other, and will not let them make your relationship difficult. So, talk to your fiance, tell him, that you love him, and know that he and his family are very close, but you just want to know that he is going to always be there for you, because perhaps, they do not like you, and you worry that they will try to make your relationship with him difficult. Then, that is when you know that no matter how crazy, annoying, and wierd they get, you will not be effected by them. I would cringe also, if I had inlaws like that, my sister actually does, and I cringe whenever they come to visit. She has a hard time everytime they are near, but, that is because the hubby has a hard time standing up to their overbearing attitude, and just tells her to ignore, or put up with it, until they leave. What I suggest, is always being positive, about your relationship, with your fiance, but, also let them know that you are in the picture, and perhaps, let them think of you as someone to confide in, so it is not always you against them. Good luck, take care.
@hbk_maxy (66)
• India
26 Feb 07
then let me say u dont love ur fiance....it is bcoz if u really loved him then u would b ready to take any pain for him which obviously u dont look like...nobody in this world is perfect and we hav to adjust according to diff people we meet in life!!!!!