How do I ask her to move out?

@SilPhil (267)
Australia
February 25, 2007 10:15pm CST
Ok, there's my situation. A friend of mine, who is only 16, her parents kicked her out and so she had nowhere to live. Since she works, and seemed quite responsible, we offered to let her rent out our spare room. It has been nothing but a disaster. We set some ground rules, no drinking (because she's underage), no going in our bedroom or our daughters bedroom, and help out around the house. The other night, hubby, bubs and I went out to tea, leaving her home alone. We came home, and found our bed had bottle caps in it (from beer). That means she violated 2 rules, not going in our room, and no drinking. She moved in about a month ago, and has done nothing to help out. If she isn't at work, all she does is sit in her bedroom. She comes and goes at all hours (I'm not her mum, so I guess I can deal with that). The other day she went out and left the entire house unlocked. Hubby is furious about how things have turned out and wants her out of the house. The problem is, she doesn't have anywhere else to go. I don't want to be responsible for her being homeless! At the same time though, if she won't respect our rules, she has no right to be here....argghh....its all so confusing!
15 people like this
59 responses
• United States
26 Feb 07
You should sit her down and set her straight. She HAS rules there. She HAS to follow them. If she refusesto get a job and help pay her way, she must do chores. Which she should do anyway. If she dosent want to follow your rules then she has to go. Lock your bedroom door is an option, one you shouldent have to do, but for peace of mind.... well its something small. I put up with people doing similer things, and finally i told them they had to go. I felt terrible, i thought they would end up sleeping in their car... but they found other people to mooch off of soon enough and i had my house back.
5 people like this
• Morocco
26 Feb 07
great advice
2 people like this
@Iccara (131)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
Thats a very hard situation. If you were kind enough to give her a place to stay and you set some ground rules, she should be respectful enough to abide by these rules. I think the rules you set out were quite fair in all aspects. Maybe you could sit her down and talk to her. Maybe say that you are a little disappointed in the way she has been acting. Remind her that there is to be no drinking and no going into other peoples rooms, and that because you have been kind enough to let her stay that she should be helping out. Give her some chores (like washing dishes) and make sure she does them. After your talk if nothing changes give her a weeks notice to find somewhere to stay. If she doesnt find anywhere after a week then kick her out. There are womens hostels she can go to if she needs help and they do give good support. Make sure when you talk to her you use FEELING words like that you are "disappointed because she isnt helping and you have given her a place to stay" dont say" we gave u a place to saty and u dont evn pull your weight". Maybe you can also point out you are married with your own family and although you were there to help her in her time of need she now must move on because you have your family to think about. Hope it helps
4 people like this
@opinder (421)
• India
26 Feb 07
i feel quite the same way. and if 'feeling' words don' work....be stern. after all its your house. since she works, she'll manage to find a new place to live in.
@Deane_2005 (1644)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
I think you should think about that. Would you compromised your family for it?.I think she better move out before you and your husband would have some rift about it. Besides if she break the rules you have set you must really have the reason to do what you think is right. I know it is really hadr but come to think of it , such girl was kicked by her own parents and she is working right?, I think it is about time that she would handle some responsibilities. Let her know how to move on and have a life of her own, maybe in such way she will gain knowledge and idea how hard to lived a life alone.
4 people like this
@flexjr (99)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
Tell her exactly what you are telling us here at myLot. Tell her you dont want to kick her out, you want to help her and that you like her as a person, but she needs to learn to be more respectful and appreciative towards what she is being given.
3 people like this
• Canada
26 Feb 07
I agree tell her to follow the rules or she will be packed up and put out the door.
3 people like this
• Canada
26 Feb 07
Great advice flexjr!
2 people like this
• Italy
26 Feb 07
that's exactly wat I was thinking..give her a chance telling her the abov you wrote:make clear that after that chance she has no more. if she breaks the rules again-she's out*hope it goes well
2 people like this
@imsilver (1668)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
The girl has got to go! She obviously has no respect for you or your family and isn't worth the stress she's putting you through. Don't worry about leaving her homeless, she'll find someone else to mooch off of, probably by crying on their shoulder about how awful you treated her. It's to be expected with people like her.
3 people like this
@jhartana (1085)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
If i were you I would give her a warning and re-educate her about the in-house rules. I do understand she don't have place to live, but you will need to sit and talk to her slowly without any anger. Even your hubby furious at this, it's best for you that he need to keep his mouth closed. Have your judgement to talk to her that you were serious about in-house rules and not to do it again.
3 people like this
• India
26 Feb 07
It owuld be nice if you let her know how you people feel about all this thing and would like her to be more responsible which you said her in the begining while moving in the house.
@magikrose (5423)
• United States
26 Feb 07
Sounds like you do need to play mommy to theis girl. Granted you are not her mother but it sounds like that is what she needs, a little tough love.
1 person likes this
@Mamaof2 (574)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
I would simpily state to her that you really want to help her out...but like you said in the beginning...there are rules to your house that you expect her to follow. Re-state the rules and let you know that you and your husband are aware that she has violated them up to date. Tell her that she has one more chance to follow the rules and contribute or she will be asked to leave. After that, if she does not follow what you ask..then I wouldn't feel guilty about asking her to leave. Second chances are for fixing things..so if she chooses not to fix what you two dont like..then she does not respect you enough..and should not be living in your home anyways.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
Some people are so resourceful when they need to be. She was resourceful enough to find you to put her up in a room and I am sure she will be resourceful enough to find another place. I would at least before kicking her out, give her an opportunity to clean up. Sit her down and tell her the problems you are having, if she continues she is out. If she clean ups then all the better for you.
1 person likes this
@Vankis (30)
• Portugal
26 Feb 07
You have to talk with her e say again the rules and then give her a time (for example a week) to change her attitude and tell her if don't change she have to look for another place to live. If she work she can look for a place to rent.
1 person likes this
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
26 Feb 07
You and your husband have to sit down and talk to her about the rules again. If she is not going to play by the rules you have no choice you will have to call her mom. Best of luck to you
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
26 Feb 07
I'd suggest first checking with your local police/sheriff. She has made a "residence" there, and some locales, you have to go through an eviction process to have her thrown out. (A friend went through this with her adult daughter) BUT, she's a minor, and if she's been reported as a runaway, you can be in trouble for harboring her. Or, there may even be some law where you're considered her caregiver since you've taken her in. And, younger teens and such seem to be very familiar with these laws. I'd check with the police first, then consider calling DCFS to have her removed. Then, it's off your hands if something happens to her if you throw her out. No good deed goes unpunished....unfortunately...
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
26 Feb 07
Also, forgot to add, it's also illegal in a lot of places for a parent to throw their minor child out or not report a child that's runaway....
• India
26 Feb 07
first of all try to do this one, just give the complaint. signal had given good suggestion
@SilPhil (267)
• Australia
27 Feb 07
Good suggestion. I think I will contact child welfare or whatever they're called these days and see where I stand and what the situation is. I want to help her, but don't want to get myself in trouble in the process.
@Joslyn77 (374)
• United States
27 Feb 07
I would talk to this person about breaking your rules. Tell her it's not working out and give her a time limit on when she needs to move on. Upsetting your household shouldn't be tolerated! Make it clear to your friend that if she continues her bad choices that you will have no choice,but to make her leave your home.
@anne_143god (5390)
• Philippines
27 Feb 07
Maybe you should talk to her and tell her what you feel about her and her attitude. I think those kind of people has a bad attitude thats why her own parents kick her out how can she live with other people if she cant live good with her parents that is the big problem of living with such kind of person and you really have a big problem. You should try her to realize what she is doing and she cant live with anybody if she has that kind of attitude.
@hoghoney (3749)
• United States
27 Feb 07
maybe try talking to her and telling her how you and hubby feel or have you tried to talk to her mom and dad to see if they can work something out with her to mave back home. but if she dont want to go by the rules you ahve set them you might have to think about your family first and what is best for them.
• United States
27 Feb 07
if i was you i would sit her down and speak to her and let her know how i feel and tell her she has to go.it is important to talk now before things really get bad and out of control
@dfinster (3535)
• United States
27 Feb 07
I'd tell her just as you're telling us. Let her know that you don't want to kick her out but that it is you and your family's house and you all follow certain rules. Let her know she needs to follow them or she's going to have to go somewhere else. It won't be your fault if she has no place live. I mean you did offer your home to her and she seems to be disrespecting you, those were choices she made and if she blew it she's going to have to live with the consequences. Good luck.
• India
27 Feb 07
look! if its creating a lot of problems to you, u better talk to her frankly 'coz rules are obeyed up to that extent when there was someone to keep an eye over that.u sud have frankly told her that she has created a mess and broken rules.I agree she is not ur daughter but she is too younger and when ur lifestyle is hampered why to care for her comfort?
@Jshean20 (14367)
• Canada
27 Feb 07
Well asking her to pack her bags and move out immediately wouldn't be the right thing to do because she could end up on the streets, as you said. However, if you know that it's not gonna work out you just need to tell her upfront the reasons and give her X amount of days to move out. You could try going over the rules with her again if you feel badly about asking her to leave, but I do understand that sometimes certain people just cannot live together and might not work out regardless.