Can terrible words ever be forgotten?

March 2, 2007 3:09pm CST
I found out today that my father said he has wasted 25 years of his life on my mum, me and my sister. My parents were arguing about their divorce settlement and my sister was in the room too. He actually said the words "I've wasted 25 years of my life on you and the kids." He has also (falsely) accused my mother of hitting him and threatened to go to the police. I'm not worried because i think she'll go to jail for two reasons: firstly, it's not true, my mther is a very peaceful person and although she gets angry and shouts she would NEVER hit anyone - secondly even if she had belted him one and given him a black eye like he said there's no proof, he's saying she did it in january. The reason this worries me is because of my mum's job. She works for Ofsted (child protection, childcare registrations and inspection) if even an accusation was made she could lose her career. All this is over new pension laws which entitle my mum to some of his pension as part of a divorce settlement. Nasty eh? lol. My question is, ignoring all the extra police business, could you ever forgive your father for saying something like that? Even if said simply in the heat of the moment can such words ever be retracted? Or is the saddest thing of all the fact that i don't care, i knew he felt like this all along?
4 people like this
29 responses
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
3 Mar 07
I've often said some really mean things that I didn't mean and really regretted just because I was hurt myself and wanted to hurt the other person. You should talk to your dad in private. I'll bet he doesn't really feel that way. If he did he could have left before now.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Mar 07
whilst you may not ever forget you must forgive many things are said in the anger of the moment that are untrue he is your father and we a re told to honor our parents !when thigs finaly calm down (and they will ) get together with him and discuss how you felt at this time im sure he will tell you he was just mad and didnt mean it
1 person likes this
@ironstruck (2299)
• Canada
3 Mar 07
Personally, I believe the words will be with you for the rest of your life. I grew up with a father who was a mean drunk and I remember every rotten thing he ever said or did. And I'm 57. It still bothers me. That is why when you are around your kids, you have to be very careful what you say. They can leave a lasting mark and no child deserves that.
• United States
3 Mar 07
I would be able to forgive, but once something is said/done, it's usually not as easy to forget. When you're ready for forgive, you will. Don't try and force it because it won't be genuine and will come back up in your life later.
1 person likes this
@goodson (93)
• United States
3 Mar 07
You can never take your words back, nor can one forget them. You may forgive but forgetting is another story.
1 person likes this
@helpme901 (157)
• India
3 Mar 07
They are terrible when you take them worth of you. If you really think that your father really wasted his 25 years on you and your mum these words would be really terrible. I can understand.
1 person likes this
@melanie652 (2525)
• United States
3 Mar 07
That sure wasn't a very nice thing to say. It's too bad he feels that way. Maybe he was just angry and frustrated at the time? Maybe he didn't really mean it? I would tell him how you feel and those words hurt you, but you forgive him. If you take those words to heart or harbour anger towards him, it will just eat you up inside. Sorry you're going through such a rough time.
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 Mar 07
Saying what your father did has got to be ones of the most hurtful things in life. I am sure you will remember it to your dying day . It was so cruel and I am sure not true. However for your own sake I think you need to work towards the place where you can forgive him. Not for his sake . but for your sake. You don't want to carry arround that load of poison for the rest of your life . It sound like he accused your Mom of doing he did so because he was sure that this will get her in trouble and make her life more miserable . I sure hope he doesn't get away with it .
• Philippines
3 Mar 07
Can terrible words ever be forgotten? I dont think so, for me I'd raher get hurt physically and be scarred by it than be hit hard by a very hurtful word or statement. Hurting words are very dangerous because it could lessen one's self-esteemed, it can even destroy one's self concept, and this hurtful words are not like the physical wounds that once healed its totally healed.. the wounds caused by hurting words never healed everytime is strikes your memory the pain does not recede.. its just like a nightmare haunting you each day you lived... as to forgive your father.. no matter what happen you cant deny the fact that he your father.. and hating him is just like hating yourself... coz no matter what you feel u have in you a part of your father and nothing could change that.. later on being a father he would look for affection from his children.. time will come trust me..
• Philippines
3 Mar 07
hi lily, you must be pretty upset with your family situation now. i once, and is still a bit upset about mine too, including my relationship with my mom.. i know, it must be pretty hard to adjust on family crisis at your stage now. for me, words are the deepest wound that even time can hardly heal. it takes some steps before you can ever recover. i think it would start from yourself first. accepting the way they are right now, without putting blame to anybody in the family. second would be to strenghten yourslef, for the people you still consider as your family, so you can put back your life according to what you desire for a well-lived life. and taking courage to forgive your father for hurting your feelings.. i know this is not easy.. because i dont find it easy too..my issue is not w/ my father though..but with my mother who has her nasty mouth...that cuts thru my heart deeply like a samurai's sword..(just imagine how sharp her tongue is! lol.) anyway, by focusing yourself to constructive activities you would getby each day (e.g try out things that are new to you, or do things that are of your interest...it may not solve the problem, but it may help you recover each day.. Gobless. :-)
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
3 Mar 07
Hi lily,its a sad thing thats happening in your family right now...First of all I have been there and i know that your father did not mean what he said,it was said in the heat of the moment,and it was mostly directed at your Mom..He shou;d not have said what he said ,its true,but if you will think about it he was not telling the truth...No man will stay in a marriage for 25 years if he is unhappy,he was there for those 25 years because he loved all of you...A woman will stay in a marriage for those reasons but a man ,no way....They are not that tough....He is upset over this divorce and what he means is that he spent 25 years in this marriage and now with a divorce ,it seems to him he wasted those years ,only to see it go down the drain,so to speak..If I were you and your sister,i would try with all that is within me to try and stay out of their divorce and their fights and what is said...I know that you love both of your parents,but trust me try NEVER to take sides...You will probably hear all kinds of ugly words between your father and mother at this time,it is just anger,nothing they say at this time has any baring on the truth...Try to understand that your parents are hurting right now and really not responsible for the words they speak...I know your father did not mean that...He is feeling lost now that his family is falling apart and he is feeling he has wasted all his youth and now he's older he just feels he has put all his time into your Mom and you kids and its just his way of expressing his anger.Yes i think you should forgive and understand he did not mean that...I also do not think he will be the cause of your Mom losing her job...Your father did not spend a miserable 25 years with you all,think of the good times and forget this other..You will be better if you do...I wish you all the luck ,and remember this will end soon and you want to be a good terms with both your Mom and dad...
@meljessxena (2317)
• Australia
3 Mar 07
im sorry to hear about the problem between your parents, and it could really affect your mum big time if she got accused for that, because of the type of job she has. i think that your father has been feeling like this for some time now and it has been growing on him, and he has been holding it back, and then its just come out because its playing on his mind (from not being said and all bottled up) and well im not sure if you should trust him again, but its really up to you and your sister to decide that and well you dont want to get to 50 and have your own kids and if they dont talk to your father, and they ask you about poppy etc and then you might feel bad for not seeing him (my mum is in that situation with her dad now, because i only met my pop in 2005 all because i went and visited him myself as my parents wouldnt take me) so its all your decision on if you could live like that.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Mar 07
boy thats really awful...there is no excuse for him to say thar. really only you know for sure how he really feels. i think that no matter what, you will never forget his words...even if he apologizes, you will know if he really feels that way in the end. If my dad ever said that, given the circumstances, i would always remember those words. a divorce is difficult enough and his actions during this process will take a toll. sorry dear....
1 person likes this
@Razzles (391)
• United States
3 Mar 07
That is a shame that your father said this. You can move on with your life, but I don't think you can ever forget those harsh words he said. Sometimes, people say things out of anger, not really meaning them and by then, the damage is done. They should have had their argument away from you- It was stupidity on their part to talk so you both could hear.
@mrddln (458)
• Philippines
3 Mar 07
My answer is yes. i can still forgive my dad who previously gave me a bad remark because no matter happens he is my dad who gave me life and a chance to maximize the world.
1 person likes this
@nowment (1758)
• United States
2 Mar 07
If you don't care and knew he felt this way all along then it would seem that it is possible he has felt some kind of resentment towards your mother and you and your sister, and so how can the words be retracted? If you don't care do they really need to be? It is a mote point. At the same time when dealing with an indifferent, or selfish parent, as a child of that parent there is always a piece of you that had wanted his love, and caring, so is hurt by such things, its just that over time, you learn to either accept it and move on or let it warp and destroy you emotionally. I have issues with my own father, and at one point I did feel that I loved him, I hated him and I just didn't care. Well eventually I didn't hate him any more, and I loved him in the same kind of way you love another human being, or a very distant relative you don't know very well. I was more or less indifferent, I reached a point where I was going to do what was right for me, and I had to accept him for who he was, a selfish childish person, who had never had any business fathering a child. I am glad he did, I wouldn't be me if it was otherwise. So maybe the words won't be forgotten but as time goes on they can come to mean less and be less important.
9 Mar 07
You are exactly right! I recently realised (when i burst into tears on my boyfriend when i discovered that my father has tried to apologise to my sister yet he hasn't said a word to me) that i have constantly been seeking his approval because i know deep down inside of me that he has always preferred my sister. I know it may sound stupid and i'm sure a lot of parents will messege and say parents don't have a favourite but at the end of the day it is something i *know*. Yet, still i seek his approval regardless of the fact that i know i will never get what i want. After my outburst i have decided that what my father says and does no longer matters to me, (ok i know it does now, but it is my mission to learn to live without constantly wanting his approval) - unfortunately we have never had a real relationship and so it makes it easier on me because at the end of the day i've not lost anything. I don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive him for what he said and i know i will never forget those word so for now at least i will continue my life without him. Oh and just to tell everyone, he's not gone to the police as we knew he wouldn't. So that part is over but i can't forget the threats he made and the words he said. Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice. It has helped a lot.
@unisis (1674)
• Indonesia
9 Mar 07
I am sorry to hear that,i think it is better if your father and your mother dealing with an indifferent, or selfish parent,cause you as a child of that parent there is always a piece of you that had wanted his love, and caring, so is hurt by such things, its just that over time, you learn to either accept it and move on or let it warp and destroy you emotionally. I have issues with my friend father,that her parent will divorce and at one point she did feel that she loved him,she hated him ,when she ask her parent talk together and clearing all of their fault ,and at the end they live together and happily,so i hope it will happen in your family. Well eventually I didn't hate him any more, and I loved him in the same kind of way you love another human being, or a very distant relative you don't know very well. I was more or less indifferent, I reached a point where I was going to do what was right for me, and I had to accept him for who he was, a selfish childish person, who had never had any business fathering a child. I am glad he did, I wouldn't be me if it was otherwise.
@simran1430 (1793)
• India
5 Mar 07
Are you frustrated and feel that threatening divorce will finally get your spouses attention and they will take you seriously? If it’s solutions you are looking for, threatening divorce won’t get you where you want to be. You need couples therapy for that. If it’s divorce then stop threatening and take a mature, informed step in the right direction.
• Canada
3 Mar 07
No. Consider yourself warned how your father truly feels about you and your mother.
@vandana9 (22)
• India
3 Mar 07
ya we can actually forgive.....coz he has brought me up for all these years with so much luv...