What mother is she?

@Dolcerina (3379)
Hungary
March 4, 2007 9:11am CST
My friend phone4you started adiscussion about mothers, that gave me a pressure to ask mylot members about their opinion in my matter. I read a lot of discussions about how important to love our mother. And we have to care with our parents. A few of you alredy know that I had a terrible childhood, that I would like to forget. But let's see the present. I can not forget how difficult it was for me, when my babyboy was born. My husband did not live with me, alredy. When I arrived home from the hospital I had to do everything by myself. My mother came only on the first day, then she said that she did want to come, because it took her time. I did not have any help. I forgave her. I can not change my job, my workplace, because I do not have a help who collect my son from the kindergarten (my boyfriend works from dawn till the evening). My mother could help, but she does not want because it would take her time, she likes to be at home. She does not want to babysit after my son, though I ask her twice in a year. She never call my phone to ask about us. She goes in front of our house every day, but she never come to our flat, because she always hurries home. At home she does not have anything to do. No animals, no garden, nothing but my father. (who is another story) There are plenty of strange thing I could say, but I do not want it to be boring for you. Well I forgive her, but who can we count on if our mother behaves like this? Can you imagine this? hm..
7 people like this
18 responses
• United States
4 Mar 07
unfortunately, every woman who gives birth is cut out to be a mother. and there are lots of women out there with no children who would be excellent moms if they did have kids. if you had such a bad childhood, would you really want your parents given the chance to pass this on to your son? i know it is hard living your life, but your son and you are probably better off without their influence. and i agree with the other person, your mom is probably rushing home to your dad for a reason. there is most likely more to the story than even you know. hang in there and do the best you can to get past this and sounds like your doing a great job so far...angelhugs
3 people like this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
5 Mar 07
thank you for taking your time to write your thoughts to me
1 person likes this
@bonbon664 (3470)
• Canada
4 Mar 07
No, I can't imagine it. I'm very lucky, and my mother is there for me whenever I want her. She supports me in every way. Unfortunately, not everyone makes a good mother. I don't think it's something that comes naturally to everyone, and just becasue you're a mom doesn't make you a nice person. There are a lot of heartless b***hes out there who are Moms. If I were you, I wouldn't feel bad if I didn't like my Mom much, she doesn't sound like a very kind person. She sounds selfish, and all I can say is you'll be the total opposite of her to your children.
2 people like this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
5 Mar 07
thanks for the interesting comment :)
22 Mar 07
I think that she does not sound selfish at all.To say that whe should know a bit more of the case where the other parent's involved as well.
• United States
5 Mar 07
Hello Dolcerina , Im very sorry to hear that your mother is that way with you and your son , I don't see how she is able to live with herself being like this , as a mother myself I agree with you I can't wait to see my children and my mother is the same way she loves all of her children the same and she is a wonderful grandmother to her 5 grandchildren ... She definatly don't know what she is missing out on does she ??? I admire you for what your doing as a mother , being there for your son , do you have any help at all ?? from anyone ??? I hopr that your mother realizes that she is missing out on so much and she decides to be a part of your lives , your in my thoughts and prayers as well ... and you ahd said that you could say more strange things but you don't wanna bore anyone , feel free thats why im here to write , read and learn so if ya need someone to talk to look me up ... Angel cute_loveable26@yahoo.com e-mail address angel_gibson26@yahoo.com Instant messenger
2 people like this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
5 Mar 07
Thank you for your kindness. I have learnt to live in this way, because my mother is like this. Anyway i am not her only daughter. i have a sister and a brother too. my sister has 2 kids. My mother comes to see her grandkids only on christmas, or birthday. She asks what he should buy, she comes, the children say thank you for the gift. ANd it is enough for her. She does not miss her children and grandkids.
@anirc750310 (3424)
• Romania
4 Mar 07
it is bad but, seem to be a lot of ignorant mothers, who cares more about their life, who love themselves and not others as it would be natural. I have a child of 3 years old and my mother in law take care of him right now, and she is so fond of him,tired some time is true , but very attached by him, so it's hard to imagine a woman with no feelings for her nephew.... there many others too, you know? good luck and be strog, for your child and be a better mum for him than was yours bye
2 people like this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
5 Mar 07
thank you very much!
@Levente (54)
4 Mar 07
hi Dolcerina,I truly believe,that this story is not complete if you are leaving out a very important detail,namely what effect your dad may have on your mum,You said "noting but my father.(who is an other story)". I think you dad is selfish and does not let your mum to see her children,or anyone at all.Your mum's hands are tight.And you cant tell what she had to go thru,the disputes,fight etc. She's tired of it.She has not got strong willpower to do whatever she wishes.How about your sister?Isn't she helpful either?
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
4 Mar 07
Hello Levente! Well, I am a mother. I think for a mother her children should be the most important. I know mothers, that can not wait to see her children and grandchildren. How can a mother tired of loving her children, I do not understand. It is her personality.
2 people like this
@docsammy (93)
• Nigeria
4 Mar 07
Dol this is very sad i cant imagine my mom acting like this to any of my sisters coz its not good. She doesnt show any concern for you or your son, she might not count it as anything but I think the problem is from your family. If you'll were tight and pretty close when you were still living with them, she would have cared. Can I ask you this, have you at anytime had a problem with your parents when u were still living with them? Well nothing should be used as an excuse to abandon you and your kids. She is really not doing well coz no matter how I piss my mom off or use bad words on her, she will never change her motherly love and concern for me and my family. Glad you forgive her but you still need to talk to her about this to really know why she doesnt give a damn about you and your kids.
2 people like this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
4 Mar 07
I think (the children) never felt that our mother loved us. She did not hate us, but she never said that she loved me, which I say every day to my son. When we were little she protected us when our father hit us, but later she did not. She did not do what mothers do. You know, we just were born, then we were. We never were a happy family. I couldn't wait to be adult. I had to live on my own from my age 16. Just like my sister. I think she was even younger, when she moved from home. My brother lives in UK. He comes home to Hungary only once or twice in a year, but he may not go to "home". Because he is a persona non grata too. What parents are they? He is a really good boy. He always worked hard.
2 people like this
• Canada
5 Mar 07
It's really too bad. There is something between a parent and child that is completely unique to any other relationship. I don't really know what you can do to work things out with your mom, as I am so lucky as to have had wonderful parents growing up. But I also hope that you can learn from the mistakes that your parents made, and use how you feel about it as a guide for how to raise your child. If you can do that, then you and your child will have a beautiful life and a wonderful lasting relationship. Good wishes and blessings!
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
6 Mar 07
Thank you for your kind words. I try to do my best to be a good mom.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
4 Mar 07
You are more forgiving than I am, Dolcerina. Has she always behaved this way? You mentioned that you had a bad childhood. Could she be feeling guilty for this? Sometimes guilt can make a person behave worse toward those they have hurt.
1 person likes this
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
4 Mar 07
No, I do not think that she feels guilty herself. She is only not a kind of mother, than the others. I have also a sister and a brother too. So I am not the only who has this experience.
3 people like this
@adidas7878 (2013)
• United States
5 Mar 07
hello friend, first of all i want to say i am sorry about your childhood and they way your mother acting. i cant figure out why she acting the way she does, i know that you say you forgive her, so call her up and just to say hi if she doesnt want to talk to you, fine tell her have a nice day and call back the next day and do the same thing, and before you hang up tell her you love her and miss her, sooner or later she would change her mood with you, if not than atleast you did your part.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Mar 07
Yes, I can imagine that. My mom is the same way. The only thing I am thankful for is my son is full grown and has a family of his own. She wants nothing to do with any of the grandkids. We were out driving one day and pulled into a gas station and my mom and my brother were there in the car. I got out and told the kids to come on over. Their great grandma was here. The cold shoulder she gave them was totally uncalled for. She can treat me any way she wants but when it comes to my grandchildren you better treat them right. The grandkids don't even talk about her. I wish she knew what she was missing. Maybe than she would treat them better. I feel sorry for you. That is sad when a mother does that. I will keep you in my prayers.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
5 Mar 07
So you know a similar experience
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
5 Mar 07
have
@FrancyDafne (2048)
• Italy
19 Mar 07
Well Dolcerina, as I have just "discovered" your profil with your discussions, I didn't read yet the discussion in which you speak about your terrible childhood, but I think that the words I've just read are enough. I'm very sorry for your situation, really. My son is 7 and my parents helped me only a little, so I had to face the problems about my child only with my wife. My parents often call me to know news about my son, I often leave my son to them because my son is very happy to stay with his grandparents, but they never visit us. I'd like to know if you have ever asked your mother the reason why she behaves this way with her daughter and, above all, with her grandchild. This is very sad because the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is very important. To me something really frustrating happened to your mother in the past, I can't think that she doesn't care of you and of your son for no reason. You should try to speak with her and try to make her understand the importance of the relation with her grandchild. Yes, you are right, you can't count on a mother who behaves like this, but it's possible things will change in future, who knows? Try to start again a new relationship with your mother, do it for your son.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
19 Mar 07
Thanks for your comment. YOu can find the answer to your questions amongmy repliesto other comment. No, nothing hapenned bettween us. She is like this. When we were children she did not hug, or kiss us. She never said that she loved us. So she did not change, because of something. That is her pesonality. We talk if I call her. We are not in a bad relationship. But seeing other families, and grandmothers I see, that this behaving is not normal. And since I am mother I know that I am very different of her.
@phon4u (2217)
• Laos
5 Mar 07
From http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/845173.aspx Thanks for mentioning me,I am here now. I don't know which the signs of your parents were to against your new family, I wonder why they were not happy to see their first grand-son. I also wonder the sign of your child was not on their view or not. She seems to ignore your life, or they may think you have been excellent enough, they may have problem with your background or your husband. Do you have time to drop and say hello to them or take your son to visit them very often once a year? You can talk to them that you only have parents of whom you are still care and much love. My parents love me but never show out by words how much they do to me each time. In my old tradition, when Lao new year coming, they go back to the original family, to reunion the family members. They will look for five pairs of candles, five pairs of white followers, and water mixed with perfume, including cloths and silk for parents, they will make an apologize for the previous year, whatever they have done wrong, they'll ask for their parents forgiving them. So they will be free from the sin. Their bad action won't follow behind them. As an example: The sun shines behind them, the shadow will be in front of them. We like the shadow behind us while we are walking ahead. If the shadow in front us, we shall not see things ahead clearly. Your forgiving to your own parents is the best policy, you have mercy on them, and still love them. As you know wherever you are, they still be with you. The goodness of the father is 21 things such as hard things, bone, meat, teeth, skin, hair, nail, eyes, lung, blade, brain, skull, intestine, new food, old food,...with you. The merit of your mother is 12 things such as liquids, water, blood, oil, uterine, tear... always be with you. I wish you had a very warm family with parents like me.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
15 Mar 07
Look, for my mother the situation to be a mother always meant only that she feed her children, not more. If I do not ring her phone, she would not call me to talk to me ,never. So I can not force her to be the part of my lfe, because she doesn't want. But I have also a brother and a sister too, and she behaves with us in the same way. She has not problem with me, or with us, she simply does not care with us.
• China
5 Mar 07
I want to know whether your mother took care of you since you were a child or something happened between you and your mother changed her? Could you tell me?
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
15 Mar 07
She was always like this.
• Bulgaria
5 Mar 07
Your mother should be a little concerned about you and your family at least. After all she's your mother, which means that you can count on her most not least as it is. She should be right next to you and always help you, because if it's not her then who? My mom has always been taking care of me, but not just because that I can't handle on my own, but because she's concerned about me. If she cares for you, she'll show it. And since you have so much problems, where is she? Standing infornt of your house? Now this is very unexceptable. I mean it's stupid to give such excuses like the lack of time. You should talk with her. Tell her how you feel, tell her how you need her, explain that as a mother she should act like one. If you have a talk with her, soon you'll see how everything will fall in it's place.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
6 Mar 07
I think if I ask her to collect my son from the kindergarten, it means that I would need her help. I do not need huggings, or kisses. If she did not hugged and kissed us when we were little, I do not think that we need it now. ANyway it would be very strange for me. If she does not feel the pressure to pop in our flat weekly for a few minutes, I will not ask her for it each week. She is like this, I can not change her. It is good for her, she has her own life. In which there are not her kids, and grandkids.
• Philippines
5 Mar 07
there are mothers who show love in a strange way. You may not want to admit it, but your mother really loves you. She just probably thinks that revealing her feelings to anyone, even to a daughter, will leave her helpless and vulnerable. She's OK as she is, nobody tries to make a big wave. This makes it very hard for anyone to guess if she feels anything at all. But I assure you, she does. She just wants her children to be independent and uncaring, for the world is made for only the toughest. Your mother may have been through a lot and all this made her what she is now, but the maternal instinct to love her child will always be there, no matter how much she tries not to be carried away by her emotions. She's built a wall to protect herself, and maybe she needs someone to crumble that fortress and help her feel again, as a mother at least.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
6 Mar 07
That is interesting, that you say. Maybe she loves us, but I think that her kids were always only a problem for her. Yes, she loves us, or she thinks that she loves us, but she doesn't behave like a mother and grandmother. I say to you too, I am not her only kid. We are 3 people.
@AugBoyz (79)
• Singapore
5 Mar 07
I am very lucky to have a mum who help takes care of my boy when me n hubby works. I took care of my boy after he was born till i started working. My mum came over to helped out during the 1st month, after tt i am alone trying to handle a new born n adjusting to motherhood. My mum occasionally pops by to help out. My mother-in-law??? i dun expect her to help, she comes over to my house weekly just to play with her grand son. I have heard of millions of women complaining about their mothers or mother-in-laws; what they did or did not do to them etc. My belief is, if u have no expectations fm others, u will not be disappointed. No doubt our own mum SHOULD help us; their flesh & blood, out when we are in trouble, but sometimes thats just not the case. I think u have already master the Art of Independency. Women are great at adjusting to new challenges, roles, tasks etc.
@Dolcerina (3379)
• Hungary
6 Mar 07
Yes, I am independent from my age 16. So it is not a disappointment, because I never got more, than I get now from my mother.
• United States
5 Mar 07
i am sorry to hear how bad your mother treated you, as if she is ashamed of you or doesnt want anything to do with you, that is too bad, you sounds like a great person, just keep up the good work, i am sure down the road your mother will relize how great a person her kid has become
@pravda1 (288)
• United States
5 Mar 07
There is no excuse for your mothers actions...I'll light a candle for you!